10 DPO and Recurrent Miscarriage Fear | I’m Freaking Out!


yeah that’s the kind of mood I’m in
today yeah I think it’s really the fear I’m asking about the fear like I said
I’m scared we present our fear in different ways so I got to give my
bravado hi thanks for cooking on simply Tanika
I am Tanika if you are new here welcome hit that subscribe button let’s hang out
a while if you are returning welcome back
let’s get those babies ladies hi good morning fertility fan how are you mmm my
goodness it’s Tuesday June 4th I hope you are well I missed you guys I
always miss you guys by the time Tuesday comes around and I don’t know what I’m
doing with the vlogging schedule I don’t know if it’s going to be Monday through
Friday or Tuesday through Saturday you guys let me know what you want to see
yeah I got a revamp the schedule but it is Tuesday I am 10 DP oh I am meant to
test on Friday and so I’m gonna wait and my heart goes out to Genesis loving
Lauren’s TV she had a BF P and then she was notified from 7:00 to miscarriage
like her HCG was 9 and they said that that wasn’t gonna be viable days based
on her LMP last menstrual period so which was interesting because I always
thought anything over 5 was a pregnancy but apparently there was more
calculations and then I think at that initial one like two weeks after
ovulation I don’t know but it scared me because she got a positive at home and
then when she went to get the confirmation um yeah she got that news
I’m not gonna I don’t want to know I don’t want to know until I have to know
I’m not having any symptoms anyway so I’m not really pressing myself um to
have a test I think yeah yeah I don’t know unless like I ended up because the
last time where you guys talk to you guys had to take everything off because
in fact I was in this outfit I had to take everything off because it was my
skin was irritated so like the whole weekend my back was on fire I iced it I
don’t know if that’s a symptom or if I was having a reaction to the cream that
um dr. hayoon gave me that’s probably more likely and
then yeah and now I just don’t feel comfortable in a bra from the front or
the back so I don’t know if that’s a symptom or if that’s more like other
stuff going on yeah but that’s pretty much it like I’m not overly tired or
anything unusual and I’m scared I’m scared to test either way I don’t want
to get a BFP and then find out that it’s not viable and I don’t want to get a BF
in and then find out it’s a vfp so there’s no wind so that will cure your
POS addiction for sure that is pee on a stick addiction for the new ladies and
if you’re new here welcome let me know what brings you here where are you and
your TTC journey are you just starting out which i think is super smart to get
Intel before you actually TTC or have you been at it a while like no judgement
just let me know down below what brings you here how you’re doing and how the
fam can help you welcome to the fam click subscribe if you haven’t
subscribed yet so you can officially be a part of the famine click on that
notification PO and you’ll know whenever I upload a new video especially cuz I
have no idea what I’m doing with the schedule I think it’s gonna be Monday
through Friday but I kind of like Tuesday through Saturday you guys let me
know what you like alright I just wanted to get started with you guys it looks
nice outside I’m going to get dressed and go out and be a productive member of
society all right I’ll talk to you guys in the back all right it’s not human or
muggy not yet knock on wood so yeah today hopefully it’s not gonna be too
crazy I have therapy in the afternoon and I have a list of things I have to go
over her cuz I was not happy about last week but I had to ruminate on it and
then I was like how do I make this constructive and
that’s one of the things I think I said that to you guys before I’m working on
like speaking my truth and so if I can’t tell this to the therapist I’m not gonna
ever be able to tell us anybody and I mean that like not that I hold it in but
speaking it in a constructive way because I’m from the country y’all and
president help Sonia and I’ll just say something crazy and not productive or as
I’ve moved through corporate America I learned that it’s not the thing to do so
then I don’t say anything and there’s got to be a happy medium right like I
need to be able to express how I feel how I’m feeling about what you said and
keep it moving and do it in a way that is productive and not shutting it down
because when you from the country you will shut a motherfucker down and so I
have to rein in my temper and learn to use my language so anyway I wrote some
notes I’m telling you guys so I’ll be accountable I punked out I’ll have to
come back over here and tell you guys I bumped out yeah scheme here my flip
flops I have my little sandals today cuz I have my heels in my bag
they’re cute too here at least I’d like to show you fast now the cab drivers
like what’s going on Hey, cute shoes! cannot walk to the subway in that though
so so work is a little crazy the beginning
of the month is always crazy I think I say that every month I’m trying to be
calm cool and copacetic get the reports done yeah can I try to stay calm
this medication is gonna stay calm keep it moving I just listened to a car to
beat two songs vote ocula I make money moves I’m a boss that might
not have been the right thing to do before I went to sit in corporate
America what’s done is done and I’m pumped
they better get ready yeah that’s the kind of mood I’m in today yeah I think
it’s really the fear I’m asking about the fear like I said I’m scared
we present our fear in different ways so I gotta get my bravado to handle my fear
push through it I’m nothing else I’m a survivor I know
how to get through something good okay we got somebody on the boom box and a
scooter I’m gonna go this is gonna be an editing nightmare hey fam I made it home
so it was a quick day I did go to therapy I did send my grand I didn’t
Punk out so I talked to her about the things that have been bothering me and
like what I didn’t like about our last session and her what I perceived to be
her negative comments about my relationship with Cheyenne and she was
open to it she was here for us so I was glad and it was a big step for me
because I didn’t like whoa I could have said it sooner but let’s just focus on
the good part I didn’t let it fester and then just blow up one day right like I
went through it all was rational I explained how I perceived it and she was
very receptive I didn’t like that she was asking me so many procedural
questions about my journey like last week when I was talking to her about the
UM when my lighting was too thin and like being flicked out about it and
having this game and I’m going to have another slam and she was asking me about
synonyms like I’m telling her about my anxiety and she was like oh is the scan
the same thing as an ultrasound and I just could have fell off my chair I
don’t know like that’s not what we’re we’re not ultrasound what did she say um
sonogram was the scan of something as a sonogram now mind you we had spoken
about mid cyclists and the week before when we talked about what am i preparing
for and so our children was for monitoring my endometrial lining are you
learning and my follicles so we already had enough foundation to it so then for
me to be talking about it I’m talking about the eggs of it all
and then for her to ask is it the similar that sounded I’m just like are
you listening to what I’m talking about other words I love synonyms like you can
and I’ve said it to her session like you can google that and
then I felt bad that because I was like July slapping her but I mean I don’t
know that was the nicest way to say it but it was what I was feeling and I
think the medication that’s making me a little punchy although I don’t want to
be like Roseanne and be like oh the medication is making me racist because
medication is not making me a bitch but it’s making me bitchy cuz I was like and
then I’ve been looking up afterwards you know I want information on a sonogram
it’s not the same thing the scan is an ultrasound scan it’s a verb when they’re
actually doing something the sonogram is the output it’s a picture of what the
output is irrespective of that who cares I was talking about my line wasn’t
thinking that but we were trying to figure out if I would populate before my
lighting was ready if we gave me the estrogen so that was should’ve been more
your focus on semester I was telling her because sometimes I’m like take a cue
for me if this is if I’m here for my mental health let’s focus on what I’m
talking about and what I need your understanding of it all is secondary and
I talked about this with you guys before like a person doesn’t have to understand
everything that you’re going through to support you or to be empathetic and are
sympathetic right they just have to hear what you’re saying and like how can I
support you but like going through all the clinical stuff about it it just felt
like it was I was reduced to the some of my parts I got more than infertility I’m
more than just what’s going on like I have I’m a human being I have concerns
anxieties so that and there was another college in May I think about sharing and
I’d be of two ships in the night or something which I didn’t like because it
made it sound like I was like an absent parent um China’s 24 so we are not doing
up the hips by any stretch of the imagination I choose her as an adult
Gina I have been in therapy before and that is what works for us like meaning
we had joint therapy sessions for two different therapists two different codes
what an LA one here and I think we have a really good communication flow between
the two of us and we worked on that and so because this woman was asked
that question was about scheduling whatever and I was like I don’t know she
made like a comment about how you guys are like she shows the night which I
thought was like dismissive and flip whatnot like I literally have two phones
I have a work phone and a personal phone and I have a calendar on each of them
and so I don’t have to keep it up on their schedule
I don’t want something keep up with our schedule if we are coordinating like
we’re going to dinner hey let’s go on Friday okay
no let’s just out there the movies or whatever then we get antsy but otherwise
that’s like extra what am I gonna put it on my calendar
memorize it like it just didn’t make sense to me and I think it triggered me
because what I felt like it was a judgment like she was somehow judging my
ability to pair and I actually think that my buddy then give her and so I
didn’t like that and so she’s just said like she didn’t mean it that way but
she’s understood like what it wasn’t she said I’m glad you talked to you now
because some people to sleep and I was like girl you know me may go they need I
wasn’t a client as a patient and though someone else
because that’s like one things I’m working on is like finding my voice
speaking retro in a respectful manner and not losing my shirt so there are a
lot of cursors of this one today I feel like oh it’s Christmas morning sorry
guys I’m gonna move it’s it’s suddenly stirred in this beast so yeah which
that’s worth that I talked about realizing like with everything that’s
going on with Genesis loving TV that getting pretty it is only half the
battle and I’ve been spending a lot of time on just that part but I was
pregnant last year and so getting pregnant and staying premiere really is
the goal right and so I don’t know that I need to mentally prepare myself for if
I have a miscarriage but I need to be mentally a word that it’s a possibility
and I think I need to just let go of all expectations and I was talking to some
of you guys today on the video that posted where I just found out about the
lining and you know is there are so many unexpected things happen you can’t
really plan for and it’s kind of like let go of expectations and even me I’m
like what day are we doing this you know cuz I’m like sure I’ll hop on a plane it
was Merlin we can’t like and then it’s just like you gotta fall back like this
is a part of my life that is going to take over at times and I need to be okay
with that and then what I’m not okay with is that I need to fall back instead
I’m taking the cycle off but I can’t have it both ways and so it’s not
something that I could be like on booking a ticket per ticket it better
have insurance you know in case it gets canceled because I thought my cars can
be on Thursday and it didn’t end up happening to a Saturday of the Memorial
Day weekend so I could have been on a plane somewhere but I want to have a
baby so I gotta figure that part out and I think the more I try to control it the
more Russell’s away from me so I just it’s a foolish notion
foolish notion to think that I can control any of it so is that a sacrifice
that I wrote it is definitely a compromise there’ll be lots of
compromises if it all works out like if the baby’s up until so fucking would or
not to go to work but I’ll figure it out so kind of roll with it go along with
the budding a lot of us we’re type-a you know we want we want it
now we want a yesterday we wanted to boom boom boom and see the results like
we got it in BAM and it has its own it’s a great equalizer no matter what
nationality you are what the writer your socioeconomic status where you are on
the planet like it it keeps your application of the pressure keeps me
humble yeah I did do some coloring I’m going to show you guys more that’s my
coloring conception book so this actually helps this weekend I was like
not trying to focus on anything I got quite a bit of them down I feel like a
little kid mommy do you want to see what I colored you see that I can zoom in
later so don’t mess up the life but that one that was day 15 you could see the
little sperm traveling out headed to the egg and penetrating it and it has the
the meditation on the side or I don’t know if it’s a meditation I guess a
visualization but as your color yet you kind of think about that too and think
about like what’s happening in your body so it’s nice because it’s relaxing like
I was thinking about okay this murmur come and I can find the egg and then
color and then the next day feeling this
connection within myself and then there’s you know that and like feeling
the love within my body see how these hearts and it’s very like feminine and
you know sorry I swear I colored one oh here we go
day 19 this one’s a little crazy there’s a lot of pussy willows in here I don’t
know if sa euphemism not so so just had fun with it day 24 the feeling of love I
have for myself so I highly recommend coloring it’s very like relaxing and
meditative and it’s actually something I did instinctively that we could have had
the mascara that did a lot of coloring I did a lot of butterflies I love
butterflies they mean transition at least for me I interpret them that way
of sort of like having been a caterpillar than transforming so
transition and transformation beauty and sort of being still before your
transformation and so I remember coloring a lot after I had the
miscarriage and somehow this makes me feel connected to my angel daily and to
my rainbow baby that I know is coming so it just gave me a sort of peace and
thinking about letting go of expectations and taking it all in stride
and just knowing my boundaries right knowing where I am and who I am and what
I am and just really owning that I think is important
so a little bit of symptom spotting I said I wasn’t going to do but I will say
like this was the weird thing to weird things whenever I drink cold water my
uterus is contracting like crazy which I remember when I was pretty shy and like
if I wanted her to move I wouldn’t call waters like you know they tell you that
was they’re pregnant but if you have a new
pregnant when you’re pregnant they want the baby to move and they you kind of
like count how many movements they have and what happened what happened is she
had the intrauterine growth restriction so she heard movement was very tight and
like her little foot was getting stuck up here if I didn’t know her move for a
while I would drink cold water and then she would get to moving around because
it’s all going down there so I felt like that obviously this would be way too
small for anything be happening but I’m like well maybe something’s in pleasure
it could be I don’t know and then the other thing is my areolas on my boobs
are doing like little raised bumps around the nipples which is like it was
that way when I nursed her again if you’ve had kids that you nurse like they
would have like a little especially like a duck got blocked they would get larger
but just in general which they don’t really do that before a saw
so that is a it just might be a symptom of my mind or it could be the estrogen
too right it could be contracting because of estrogen because the patches
are that it could be how my breasts are responding to the additional estrogen
again I’m surprised that I had to take it through my beta that I have to keep
applying it but it is what it is they did not give me progesterone because of
my progression was at eight something whatever it was the last time we talked
and yeah so I don’t know if those are some of them so I just wanted to go on
record of like that I noticed today and I did it a couple of times with the cold
water cuz I was like am i trippin so I went and then I had like some tea
and then I went back into ice water every time it was like so sometime not
some time I don’t know all right ladies that is it I hope that you are well
and yeah I hope you want let me know down below how you’re doing I want to
check in with you guys I missed you guys haha alright if you like this video
please give it a thumbs up please a little share useful and down subscribe
if you haven’t subscribe click the notification browse so you’ll know when
I post it in your video and I’ll talk to you guys later bye baby as to you

36 Replies to “10 DPO and Recurrent Miscarriage Fear | I’m Freaking Out!”

  1. I just bought new prenatals recommended by a MTHFR (gene mutations) TTC facebook group. I have never had expensive MTHFR gene testing, but it is associated with recurrent miscarriage loss. Folic acid has to be eliminated from diet….and supplements if you have MTHFR gene mutations and methylated folate taken….and methylcobalamin taken too (methyl form of B12….as without it can be low in iron, and needed to absorb folate too). The brand I chose that was one of the recommended ones is Naturelo Prenatal…Amazon £39.75 for two months in UK. Might be worth getting for you if you get BFP.

  2. Thanks for thinking of me it was a roller coaster but don’t let me stop you from poas!!! I love your schedule I love how we get them out of order and random. Lol you said I will shout a motherf’er down girl yes!!!

  3. She better be ok with how you felt about what she had to say about your baby girl! She sound like she secretly be watching your channel!! That’s right tell her google it you are paying for this time for you and to help you not to school her!!! Girl I love these videos you touch on everything!! Yes girl listening should be a class for college for professionals in that field!

  4. Curse I love it “ live your truth” sometimes they help you to get how strong your feeling are about something!

  5. first of all.. good luck on that HPT when you do test.. Positive thoughts.. I LOVE THEM shoes girl… anxious to hear your results. i understand and can relate .. yes you are a survivor…

  6. I’m all in your comments I’m sorry but I think wanting to control it is normal! I felt the same way shit I feel the same way through this miscarriage I am now pushing forward and ready to get back in the saddle!! Ok I’m going to be selfish I want that picture for my nursery! Of the sperm and it pink is on point ok ok enjoy your day I needed this today!!!

  7. Proud of you for discussing your concerns about the therapist with her! That was such a big girl thing to do! I'm pretty nonconfrontational lol… I'd rather keep it all inside and act like everything's fine, and then eventually blow up like you said 😂 (A little about me… I'm 39, and my husband and I have a son (17) and a daughter (12). I'm about 90% sure I want to have a tubal ligation reversal so that we can have another child, and we'll probably do it within the next year sometime. Your videos stop me from thinking I'm crazy about wanting to have another baby over the age of 40. Thank you so much for your positivity and willingness to share these personal moments with us!)

  8. She should have known the verbiage due to she did go to medical school regardless of what part she identify as all the same but yea she can google🤣… Cardi B will have you in trouble lol.. that estrogen is something too I be laughing crying mad all in a sentence my boyfriend be looking like 😳😳🤦🏽‍♀️.

  9. Have you tried using progesterone cream or suppositories? And have you tried to use maca root? It helps the fetus develop and grow faster.

  10. That outfit is everything, not to mention the shoes 😍. To test or not to test; that’s always the challenge but stay strong

  11. Your therapist sounds clueless😳 I have never been in therapy and I probably need it lol but then again I have a huge problem with ‘authority’

  12. I don't know about the cold water, but the raised bumps on the aereolas are a dead giveaway. You preggers girl, yep, still claiming it! Gonna get you boarded on the BFP train! 😀 I also did a lot of coloring when I would visit my sister in the hospital. I would spend all day in the room and talk to her while coloring.

  13. Wow! What interesting week you had. Still sounds like you're pregnant with the symptoms… Hope next week will be better. Baby dust👣🍼🌈🤗😍❤️

  14. Praying for you beautiful lady!!!
    I’m just as scared to test! I had a chemical pregnancy last cycle.

    Tuesday through Saturday is a great schedule!!

  15. I would think that if u had a miscarriage before, that it's absolutely normal to feel concerned with any other pregnancy afterwards. What's up with that Doc? She needs to stay focused on matters at hand and not try to skip the train. I know this is it for u honey, I'm getting excited for you. Can't wait for you to stop teasing and spill the jellybean.

  16. Lol….shut that mutha down girl!!!!! Rotflr. Just do what you have to do dnt let them people get to you…u r glowing. Hell therapist probably go home to a shattered as# life and drink that's y they so deep. God bless you it's coming we not accepting no miscarriages went thru that one 2… Children are an inheritance from the Lord and blessed is the man who has his quiver full!!! Meditate on some scriptures when feeling that way.

  17. My wife and I started at home insemination last month and got a bfn. We are goin try again in a couple months. Our journey is on my channel tiaraniccole

  18. New subscriber! My first appointment with the doctor is next Monday. Former foster parent but my adoption fell through after the kids are with me for eight months. Ready to go a new route.

  19. girl you got to be pregnant I've never seen you this Moody on video it's got to be to pregnancy I'm claiming it in Jesus name

  20. I love your outfit, lovely!
    I'm glad you spoke up at therapy and you got your views across… such power to you. I remember having to go to therapy when my parents separated, again as a young adult with my ongoing leg injury (over here they have to check it's not all in your head if it lasts awhile.. cos faking pain is what most people enjoy doing lol!) and finally the university offered me free sessions – by far the best I ever had – when my Father was killed right before my semester began in my third year. Therapy in a good environment is a productive and healing tool. Unfortunately in my first two, it was detrimental. Apparently all my issues were my Mother's fault, and that hurt her greatly. The second one was the worst… fully knowing I had anxiety, on my first session says "if a person with a gun came in here right now, what would you do." Well, let me tell you, I had my route planned on how I would attempt to save myself and every time I went subsequently after that session (it was compulsory if I wanted to be paid my disability payments or else I would have hightailed out of there)… I was on edge waiting for some gun man. Further went on to say a scenario of my Mum being late to pick me up from uni, its raining, and she had mentioned the tyre tread was getting low, but also knew she was with my Aunt and they get caught up, which would I think would happen first. I went home and immediately checked all them damn tyres. I'm so so glad I went to my Anxiety Recovery course last year, by far the best healing and productive course I've ever done to assist myself and thrive in this world! You really are more than infertility! I think from what I've seen between you and Chey, that your parenting is really positive. Good that you spoke that up indeed!
    I love this colouring book so much!!! I must look into getting one for when I'm closer to TTCing.

  21. Can't wait to see ur bfp ! Baby dust. I've just started tracking my bbt for ovulation my cycles r all over place so maybe this will help . anyways good luck to all u ladies out there !!!

  22. My early symptoms with my other babies were dark nipples n raised bumps around it ! So that def could b an early symptom !!!

  23. I’m days away from getting blood work done to check progesterone and hCG levels. Super nervous 😬😬 but thankfully I’m busy so I don’t have as much free time to stress over it.

  24. Wow your aura, energy, strength, focus, perseverance and work ethic is so inspirational love from Cali. Prayers #Babydust 🙏🏼💫💗💙🙌🏻

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