A Daughter Finds Out She’s Been Friends with Her Mother’s Rapist | Iyanla: Fix My Life | OWN

I want you to look at
your daughter, this woman. And from the place of
woman inside of you, tell your daughter
your experience. Not the facts. Shay and Marcia, It all started me
being molested. I was molested by [BEEP]. Interesting. I want you to see something. OK? Mhm. My love, yeah. I don’t want to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It’s OK. Breathe. Come on, breathe. Come on, breathe. Come on, breathe, baby. It’s OK. You can do it. I need you to understand this. Get up here and sit
with your sister. Yeah. It’s OK. Yeah. [CRYING] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you see what
I’m talking about? Mmhm. And you’re sitting there
with your arms folded. I mean, we’re in this, we’re in this – I’m not, we’re in this, I mean, of course.
I expect her to feel like that. I mean, yeah. But you know what? It’s not [INAUDIBLE] like I don’t care. But you can’t
tell her like this! – I’m not telling her like that.
– You are. That coldness that’s up there. I’m telling you that’s
what you’re doing. Listen to me, baby. Your mother was a young girl who
was violated by a family member that you are now close to. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Yes, baby. I hope that helps
you understand. Tell me how you’re
feeling right now. Yeah. Angry. Come on. What else? Yeah. So you’ve been friends with
your mother’s violator, because she didn’t
know how to tell you. And then you want to know
why there’s so much breakdown between the two of you? That doesn’t go
away, Miss Alicia. That doesn’t go away.
– Thank you. You’re welcome. I know this is shocking, and
my heart goes out to you, baby. My heart goes out to you. But you know what? I’m also holding
your mama’s hand. You know what I want you to do? I want you to take her
upstairs and let her lay down. OK. Sit with her. She’s going to take care
of you for a minute, and I’m going to come see
you in a little while. OK?
– Yes, ma’am. Anything you want to say
to your mom before you go? I want you to get it all out. No, ma’am. Yeah. Do you want to hug your mama? No. OK. OK. Take her upstairs.

100 Replies to “A Daughter Finds Out She’s Been Friends with Her Mother’s Rapist | Iyanla: Fix My Life | OWN”

  1. That mama seems so closed off. One of my daughters-in-laws mother is like that to her. I'm so glad my DIL found a woman who was able to help her understand narcissistic parents & helped her heal. The change in my DIL has been amazing.

  2. The secrets that people hold in and how it causes catastrophic pain in others is spiritually criminally.

    Just like we go to the doctor for our annual exams this needs to happen with emotional and spiritual injury also.

    This stuff is too damaging.. people who hold secrets the energy of it can rot you to the core and cause infection to everyone around them and can cause generations of pain.

  3. ……am i trippin or is iyanla coddling the daughter more than the mother that was molested?….and im also hella confused as why sis was crying..was it mourning fir who she thought the person was or because she felt guilty about her relationship with them?…she couldn't even be empathetic to her mother for being violated and she made it all about her…am i missing something?…ive seen this episode in full b4 and I'm still baffled by this

  4. What is it with these dam black men raping our women. This is crazy. You want to know why black women today are angry broken hurt.. do not tell me a dam thing about a white man. We need to look at these black men. They are destroying there women there girls boys and these women are growing up broken … every dam episode is a black woman women molested rated by a man then from that point the dysfunction starts and manifest throughout adulthood

  5. Wow to not warn her own daughter to stay away from the violator. As mothers we HAVE to protect our babies. God forbid he could've violated her daughter.

  6. How did she get to be friends with him, wouldn’t you stir your child in the opposite direction of your alleged abuser?

  7. I had a similar situation. When I was about 7 or 8, I was molested by a male cousin of mine. As time went on, I suppose I thought I forgot about it, but it manifested itself as me isolating myself from others, aggression and depression. I went from remembering that it happened to me, to not saying anything because I didn't want him to get in trouble, to blaming myself for either not saying anything, not having the power to stop him, or both; that's when the depression and suicidal ideation came.

    I have learned to move on from that phase in my life, but it took about 15 years to move on from that moment and grow away from how it had changed me for the worse. There was fear, denial and shame rolled into those life phases. I think for most people, especially with males, talking about things so dark and being afraid of whatever may come from bringing it to light is terrifying. It might be hard to understand the coping mechanisms that a person can develop to deal with trauma of that sort, if you haven't had it happen to you.

  8. The way Iyanla talks to people, she makes you feel like she’s your own mother that you never had. And I love her for that.

  9. I have a feeling the mom didnt say anything before because she was ashamed of her self for have that happen to her and sometimes shame on yourself over rules when you should share it

  10. Almost everyone in this comment section thinks that telling someone about what another man or woman did to them is so easy. Well it is not. I guess almost none of you will ever realize that is one of the hardest things to do. Learn about sympathy and empathy, maybe that will help most of you. We can believe that the mom made a terrible mistake for not telling her daughter but in reality none of you know how that truly affected the mother. Do not act like you do. There are many things that the mother will have to go through in court if she decides to press charges. She will have to talk, in detail, about what he did. She will have to go back to that moment in court. She will face brutal questions from his attorney and she'll have to answer hard questions from her attorney. This whole situation is fragile. It is true that you can have your opinions, but a topic like this? If it is a negative opinion keep it to yourself. If it is criticism keep it to yourself. That's all.

  11. I was molested by my cousin (first) and then my dads best friend. I told about my dads best friend but I never said a word about the cousin. I saw him at a funeral last summer and I hugged him like everyone else did. It's amazing what some of us will do to keep a family together when we should just be open and honest. Secrets can destroy but revealing them can start the healing process. I know I'll go to the grave with this secret though.

  12. You'll be surprised of how many problems can be solved and how strong relationships can be forged by just communicating.

  13. Im sorry but the girl in the tan need to get her attitude checked cuz she really not making it better anyway.

  14. Some of u that are getting on the mother for not telling her children abt this… U aren't in the mother's shoes.. She didn't know how to tell her children abt it.. I agree that the mother should have told her daughters from the beginning, but just think abt it, how would she tell them??.." Hey kids! So I got raped by a close family member of ours!".. She prolly didn't know how to tell them!

  15. Some people are saying the mother is being cold… but I'm realizing that she's also broken and won't show it to her daughters she's holding it in but what I wish is that they can let it all out and have a talk.

  16. I learned so much in less than 3 minutes…. I learned that conversation is important in ANY relationship and it is a crime to "stay quiet.". You cannot keep things like that inside and expect everything to be okay. Secrets will destroy you and everyone around them.

  17. The mother was the victim and they are blaming the poor woman, and her daughter is mad at her for not telling her she was raped. What kind of bs is this? The daughter should have comforted her mom.

  18. Omg this is just so heartbreaking. I feel really bad. I hope she recovers from it soon and the mom and daughter have a strong bond now ❤

  19. When she was okay then as soon as the lady in the middle started talking to her and she broke down…

    I get that. It sucks a hole lot.

  20. Wow, the power of empathy. the daughter was stone faced until the "my love" – that's all it took! And she just melted and started sobbing. When u give people the space and permission to feel its a powerful thing

  21. From a personal experience I can say that when something like this happens to you as a child it causes so much pain and suffering and makes you numb to emotions. Growing up I had a really hard time letting anyone in and have yet to tell anyone what happened to me when I was a child. I am now 21. I feel for the mother and can understand the pain and embarrassment she is going through. People ask “why didn’t she tell her daughter”? There’s a sense of embarrassment that comes with something like this as well as if she felt that that person would never do harm to her daughter or others, she wouldn’t have had a need to tell. It might be a messed up thinking but it’s what she rationalized at the time.

  22. It's like the mother's pain is blocking her from being able to feel anything for her daughter so she just sits there and stares blankly while her daughter is obviously distressed and broken

  23. Yooo I been binge watching this and the amount of crying Ive done from these episodes im sure I could fill up a bucket lol

  24. I hate when Oprah pops in at the end and goes “I’m happy to give you an update..” because I always want it to be able the people in the clip I just watched but it’s always about her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

  25. That poor girl. The Mum revealed something so terrible with no emotion so she copies it. The second Iyanla speaks, with the tiniest hint of empathy and connection, her emotions trigger because she feels safe enough to explore it

  26. How do People get through stuff like this without having a breakdown!!! There is something out their that is trying to destroy our lives….. We have to be on the look out & Care ourselves our families.

  27. Iyanla is powerful. It’s called genuinely being connected to God and it’s felt by those around her that’s why this lady burst out in tears when Iyanla said “my love” she knows how to break people down in the right way with few words because her pure intention behind them. People fall into her arms and cry. That’s truly powerful purposeful life

  28. Indeed, the evils of rape, molest and all perverted acts run deep. It is not just the victims that are crushed but future generations also.

  29. The mother is sick to keep the secret and allow her daughter to bond with this f*** animal! Very disturbing reasoning on the moms part😕

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