Ashley's Multiple Stillbirth Story- Don't Talk About the Baby Documentary



um I first when I was pregnant I first child September of 2010 and I was with my then husband and we were super excited about it and really I'm excited to have our first child the pregnancy actually went pretty well there wasn't any complications it was really a normal pregnancy the whole time there was some minor stressors because he was and just getting out of the army so we were there and we happen to live in Washington State at that time for every one of them so but everything was pretty normal until I was working as I worked at a leave I was worked at Oh as a legal assistant at a law firm so I was working the night to go the bathroom and I ended up bleeding I got really freaked out because you don't just bleed when you're pregnant and then I called my husband and we were like well why I have to go to the hospital obviously but I had left my ID at home so I like rushed home and met him there and when I had to use bathroom so when I used the bathroom again I felt a bulge and that's when I felt the water break at that point I was about nineteen and a half weeks and I ran not ran we drove to the hospital which was on base at matok Madigan Army Medical Center in Tacoma Washington and we waited in the ER for a couple hours because they didn't have a spot open and when you're not 20 weeks or more you can't go to labor and delivery they have to ask specifically if labor and delivery will take you so on the off chance they had room and labor and delivery so I went there they did an ultrasound and the baby's heart was beating but it was slow and they could tell that the amniotic fluids weren't in and around her and it was starting to leak they said the only option for me was to wait until the baby's heartbeat stopped to deliver or to go to a different hospital and see if they could deliver the baby with the heartbeat but the baby still wouldn't make it couple weeks prior or note two days prior to that we ended up finding out it was a girl so we had a name picked out so we were super excited about it but really sad that we couldn't see her baby girl so while waiting in the delivery room we just decided that we were already here and might as well wait until the baby's heartbeat stopped at around ten o'clock her heartbeat stopped and they ended up in do see me to start labor and giving me an epidural labor didn't really start there really wasn't too much for me to do I only had to be about four centimeters to deliver once I was then about that they would check me off and on to see if the baby came and about 5:00 a.m. on January 21st 2011 our little girl was born her name was Lily and Jean landrush and she was super super tiny really really beautiful about really tiny I got to hold her which was really great and the doctors took picture or the nurses took pictures and they put her in this cute little basket with this bear and it was really adorable my ex-husband got to got to hold her – what now then husband he's like smell but he got to hold her – and it was it was just beautiful we were able to talk to the nurses about what to do we didn't there was no option at that point to figure out how you bury a baby there just wasn't anything and they told us that luckily almost every single one of the funeral homes that are around do it for free so because of a child and I was super encouraging but really tough because when you don't know you just get so bombarded with so much stuff that you can't think and super sad we end up talking to a chaplain about it to make sure that we were strong on God and make sure we were okay with some questions and it turned out okay like we had a service afterwards I wear my a couple of my family members flew in from Minnesota to Washington and they ended up being really supportive and really nice but the issue is that when people find out that you lost a child not only do you find out others do they just don't know what to say they become really insensitive you tend to find out who people end up wanting you to be a be their friend and who don't because they can't handle how much pain you're and they just don't know here's a here's her earn it was Green and has little flowers on it okay and then here's the picture of her with a little teddy bear the nurses and doctors there they they asked if we wanted footprints and handprints and we accepted and it was one of the times where I'm super glad that we did that way that was one of the few memories that we could look back on and and love to see you know when when your baby is 19 and a half weeks you you don't know you know you expect a full-term baby to have hand puts handprints and footprints and they luckily were able to to give us those so it was really nice so that was January 2011 a few months after that I found I was pregnant again we were really nervous because they had told us that the reason that she was born early was a fluke and because I had an infection they they said well you know could have been caused of an infection that you had or could have just been a fluke they didn't really know they took a couple tests and I was found I was pregnant with my second one and they had just said you know we'll just monitor you closely you know every two weeks or so two weeks – once a month I went in for an ultrasound to make sure that the baby was doing great we found out in about 19 weeks that we were having a boy so we're really excited and I had passed the point of what we would call no return so I was even more excited that we were finally going to have a baby and it was going to be full-term and great and at that point my then husband he had to go in June or July to Minnesota from Washington for a job so I was left at home with a roommate by by myself to just take care of our animals and just stayed no stress unfortunately that didn't exactly happen on September 23rd I was having really bad pains and started bleeding again and I called the hospital I was that or called my doctor and they said well you need to come in you're having contractions and you you're bleeding and that's like a huge deal they asked if I wanted ambulance and where we lived in Washington compared to where the hospital was was 45 minutes so the ambulance would end up taking 45 minutes to get there and 45 minutes back and I chose to drive instead so I drove from our house to 45 minutes with contractions three minutes apart to get to the hospital because there was no other option for me all my other friends lived between a half-hour 45 minutes away so I drove all that way with three minutes contractions waited for someone to talk talk to me and tell me that what was going on it took a long time the doctors weren't really there the nurses were like you're fine and I'm like I'm not fine like you know I'm having contractions they brought me into a room I this time the contractions were a lot shorter together and they hurt really really bad and there was nothing they could do they said until my water broke they couldn't do anything and that they would just have to let it let it go and continue going so I ended up laying on the bed and my water broke all over and that was at 20 and a half weeks um my friends came like I said my husband was in Minnesota and he couldn't fly out until the next day so I was in the hospital for a long time probably twelve or so hours or more we just waited again it was the same thing we you have to you can only deliver when you're so many centimeters above that at 208 in the morning I delivered a beautiful baby boy named Arthur John or AJ what like we call him and a couple of my friends were there but they had to leave so I was left in the hospital by myself until in the morning then my friends drove me to my house before that though they were luckily the hospital was able to take pictures do footprints again um this time we got a death certificate because it was over 20 weeks they took beautiful pictures not not the best ones as I wouldn't recall and they did do hand in footprints um I feel like different hospitals have different ways of taking pictures of your child and how caring they are to I never knew about any program or anything in our minds we were supposed to be moving from Washington to Minnesota and so there was so much going on at that time as well that I didn't even think about any sort of or know of any help with how to how to deal with losing two children now and how to save those pictures and be able to grieve my husband ended up coming home from wash from Minnesota that that day the 24th of September 2011 in the afternoon we were packing and ready to go I flew out with my sister to go back home so he could drive the truck and two days before you're supposed to go he found out that we would be saying in Washington so we ended up deciding that we would have a service in Minnesota with all their family and we decided that it would be the best option to have it at my grandfather's grave because we couldn't have the niche where Lily was born because we were in Minnesota so um so we had all our family there I chose songs and I chose my siblings to say something no one tells you how to plan a funeral you just have to do it on your own you never know when you're when your baby dies one sort of fee an old plan what flowers to pick out one songs to choose you just don't know that information um on our way back from Minnesota to Washington we ended up I end up getting two phone calls from people who is said I'm really sorry for your loss but think of the good times think of all the great memories you had um think about your next child you're going to have I mean they were trying to be sincere but it's really awful things a month later a couple months later I ended up making a birth announcement that I sent out to my family for both Lillian or lily and Arthur John or AJ and someone told me that I was just asking for sympathy and a busy and that I should really let it go and to not be so so vocal about it because it doesn't do anything for anybody and it only causes more issues so although my family and everyone was supportive when someone says those things it's really hard to forget so I tried to find a support group in Washington I found one I was luckily luckily to sit around but there wasn't anyone that was christian-based then I could say oh yeah you know why do why does God do these things why does these things happen to so many people how come it happened to me twice you know there are no answers the only answer I got was maybe it's high blood pressure we don't know and it probably is because your blood pressure was so high for months that's when I got there was no answers so this is some the urn of AJ and then here is his picture um a few months after that in March of 2012 I found out I was pregnant again obviously we were super worried and concerned and I went to a high risk specialty doctor who monitored me the whole pregnancy each pregnancy I went through the pregnancy itself was fine nothing happened in between the time I was pregnant to the time I delivered at that time my now ex-husband did not want to stay with me anymore because he couldn't take not having a child and he had said that if his child didn't make it we our marriage wasn't going to make it so I high hopes extreme high hopes for this one they had said that there wasn't anything wrong with my blood there wasn't anything wrong it was just blood pressure so from probably 13 weeks on I end up going to Seattle which was about an hour and a half away once a month to get my blood pressure checked to get all these tests done and to take all this medicine but June 14th of 2012 I ended up bleeding again and calling my doctor and they said come to the hospital right away and I went to put on my shoes and my water broke all over my shoes and I knew that this one wasn't going to make it and we hadn't even had the exam to figure out if it was a boy or girl yet I was only 18 and a half weeks and we were supposed to in a couple days I went to the hospital where my doctor worked at she couldn't get in at the moment but they put me into a room they told me that they would have to induce me and they could either give an epidural or they could just do drugs and I said well I'd rather just have the drugs I'm not in any pain or anything so we're okay so we get there and they put me in a room and they're checking me and everything seems on track – the fact that my baby's heartbeat wasn't beating anymore and that I was going to deliver another stillborn child at that point everyone said it's going to take a long time I told my husband to go to a doctor appointment he had I told my friend who was with me to go to the cafeteria to eat lunch and the doctor came in five minutes after I told everyone to leave and said you're gonna deliver the baby he's coming it's coming and I said okay I guess I turned to the nurse and I said can I please get some drugs and they said there's no time you can't have any now so they paged my friend to come back and I delivered a beautiful baby boy who we named Logan Liam at 18 and a half weeks unfortunately with this one the placenta wouldn't come out so I had to push and they had to scrape the placenta out multiple times until they decided that I was in too much pain to not do that anymore and I had to go in for a DNC when I came out they put me into a room with my son and my friends and there was nothing else I could do they took pictures again and took footprints again I held him all night long until they would release me and they told me that the reason that this happened was that I have a spontaneous incumbent cervix and that they're really sorry then it had to happen three times for them to find out and that the next time at thirteen weeks they went stitch me up with a cerclage and at 36 weeks they would close it and that they would try to guarantee that that was it but they couldn't and they said that not every doctor will do it so I have to be really careful for every doctor that I have here's a picture of him and his urn um I didn't have a service for him I didn't have a baby book for him I lost most of my pictures and a few months later I had to leave and to leave Washington State and moved to Minnesota where my family was because my husband wanted a divorce you don't go through three times of losing a child and not have something wrong people don't understand what it's like to lose them someone close they think that if you lose a grandparent or parent that is really similar to losing a child and it's not those hopes those dreams those exciting times those are the things that you lose there is no happy memory you have you have a memory of a baby kicking you once and then you have a memory of delivering your stubborn child I was able to on Logan's first birthday throw him a birthday party and although people thought it was crazy I did it anyway and that was the only thing I could think of to do with my family in Minnesota um I now I'm surrounded by people that care about me that really are able to help me but no one's been through what I've been through I now constantly rely on my face to get me through it because that's the only way that I'd still be standing otherwise I don't know where I'd be I don't know what else to say I'm sorry I've never told it from beginning to end before

25 Replies to “Ashley's Multiple Stillbirth Story- Don't Talk About the Baby Documentary”

  1. oh Ashley hunny, I was going to state half way through your video about possible suturing your cervix. 🙁 So terribly sorry on the loss of your sweet babies… Hugs

  2. This is so sad! I was the same when people kept saying “maybe god has a plan for you”, “maybe it wasn’t meant to be”, or “just be happy she’s in a better place and not suffering”. Everyone kept telling me “good thing you didn’t go further along in pregnancy cause your beautiful tattoo on your stomach would look weird plus that god you didn’t get stretch marks! At that point everyone who spoke to me that I stopped talking to them because those are words you don’t say! I distant myself from everyone only talk to a few who understood what I was going through. Those people and even group chats of losing you baby helped me a lot

  3. You're still young enough. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but I hope you have another baby one day. Without that idiotic man. He doesn't deserve your children. I'm so sorry for the losses of your beautiful babies. Their urns are beautiful.

  4. i lost my beautiful baby boy at 42 weeks on the 24th February 2019 i miss him with every breath i take and i love him with every broken pieces of my heart

  5. You are a wonderful person and a strong woman…I'm so sorry that you have to go through so much heartache!

  6. Many prays for you. I have only had one baby lost at 18 weeks.You are so brave to have gone through this. My marriage ended in divorce too shortly after. Stay strong. You will find happiness again!

  7. God bless you mama, I hope you have an amazing life filled with happiness, where you can find calm after everything you went through. No mother should see her baby go to heaven before she does, I can't imagine let three of them go, but they will forever be your angels looking after you, and forever know how much you loved them, and how much they loved you. Keep fighting, beautiful and strong mother, God will take care of you and lead you to a happier future

  8. That is very sad losing three babies to stillbirth I feel sorry for you I hope it gets easier in time I've never been pregnant but I'm sure it would be painful losing three babies to stillbirth

  9. sounds like the third baby could of been saved if the hospital did what they were suppose to, Im a doctor and this makes me angry how those medical professionals treated you <3

  10. I lost 3 babies due to miscarriges around 8 weeks , I was devasted everytime. I think about them all the time. God bless you , you are a strong women .

  11. Ashley, I cried as I listened to your story!! My heart breaks for you for to loss of each child! For the loss of watching them grow. For the lack of support you felt! But embedded in all of your story I grieve for you for the man that was to see you through the good and the bad. I can not imagine adding the loss of your marriage to the broken heart of going home empty handed without a baby! I wish I could have been your friend and come alongside you. I had at least 1 miscarriage (maybe 3) and mine were at less than 10 weeks. It still hurts. I can't imagibe your pain! Have faith!

  12. Sweet sweet girl, I'm sooo sorry for your loss. I've lost six babies myself. Three early miscarriages, two stillbirths at 17 and 19 weeks and one full term who passed three days after birth. It is a terrible pain to go through and I couldn't have kept my sanity without my faith in God and my husband, who is my rock. I am heartbroken that your husband wasn't strong enough to ask for counselling if he needed it to deal with the loss and decided instead to turn his back on your family journey. Unfortunately this happens a lot: the loss of a child, at any stage, either makes or breaks the couple and it's just so sad. It also doesn't help when people give you "advice" telling you not to voice your experience and unfortunately that still happens to me now, within my family and it hurts. The truth is they don't want to hear it because it makes them uncomfortable. But sharing these stories is so important for all of us who have been through this because we don't feel alone and misunderstood. So, thank you with all my heart for sharing this! I wish you all the best and lots of love in your life…with someone who deserves a heart as big as yours <3 <3 <3

  13. Truly heartbreaking you are an amazing lady. I hope you find your soul mate and have a baby you deserve it. So sorry for the loss of your three beautiful babies x

  14. There aren’t words for this. Thank you for sharing your truth and your pain. I truly hope that you find peace and stay surrounded by love and support. God speed.

  15. Hi Ashley. I remember watching your video a couple of years ago. I also lost 2 babies because of my incompetent cervix. I am so sorry you lost your precious babies. How are you doing these days?

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