Coping With Infertility | Kati Morton

hey everybody today we're going to talk about infertility and how we can better cope if we find ourselves struggling with it but before I jump into this important topic are you new to my channel welcome I put out videos on Mondays and on Thursdays so make sure you're subscribed and have those notifications turned on so you don't miss out now infertility is a medical condition that can not only create more stress in our life but even put strain on our most important relationships there are already plenty of pressures in life let's be honest like what school do you want to go to what career do you feel is best for you how much money you're gonna make can you support yourself when will you get married and of course when do you want to have children now for many people I looked up the stats you guys 5 million people or 1 in 10 couples so a lot of people are affected by this and they struggle with infertility and they don't have an easy answer to that question when do you want to have children many people find themselves trying for years to have a baby and spending tens of thousands of dollars working with doctors to get pregnant when someone struggles with infertility it can feel like their body has betrayed them some of my friends have shared how they feel like they must have done something wrong to cause this like maybe I wasn't eating right or I exercise too much or not enough for I don't know or that you know I don't really feel like a woman if I can't have a baby and it can place extra financial and emotional stress on their relationships and turn the loving act of sex into a pressured time-sensitive activity many of my friends are like tracking their ovulation like we have to have it now and that can just kind of take all the romance out of it overall knows that dealing with infertility can be difficult and however you feel about it is warranted and completely ok but since the issue can drag on for years and years and really take a toll on our mental health it's important that we find some ways to better cope with all we may be going through and my first word of advice is to acknowledge your feelings I know I talk about this all the time but it's so vitally important that we tap into just how we feel each and every day and notice what comes up for us this can help us be more mindful of our own situation and our mental health if we realize that we've been feeling more anger or exhaustion lately then we can make sure that we put more effort into our self-care or take some nights off from hanging out with friends and others so that you know we just get some downtime so let's make the time to acknowledge what we're feeling and write it down or maybe even practice saying it out loud or even make a feelings collage about a particular emotion you know that may be plaguing your days lately if you haven't heard me describe feelings collages before it's pretty much you take a white piece of paper you write the feeling word in the middle and then you you know fill it in the rest of that white paper with other words and quotes and memories and maybe photos that remind you of that feeling word because sometimes we can say more in pictures or in quotes from others than we actually can express ourselves and that's why feeling collages are a great way to help us process through a difficult feeling and also see how we have been feeling all spelled and Co washed out sometimes it's good to reference back and be like oh that is what anger feels like or that is what disappointment feels like now for all of those ideas and the feelings collage just seems like way too much and you don't want to try them at least try to come up with 3 to 5 feelings at the end of the day today see how that goes if you can only come up with one well that's more than you did yesterday and we have to start somewhere and it's best to meet ourselves where we're at there's no room in this tip for any judgment or guilt so just do the best you can number two give yourself permission to feel how you feel try to lean into all that's going on in your head and sort of shoving it down and trying to ignore it do you want to scream you want to cry you want someone to hold you I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone give yourself the time to express all that you feel and let it out I know personally when I'm upset if I'm not able to vent it in some way hopefully it's using a healthy coping skill like walking and journaling or you know talking to my therapist if I don't have a chance to do that it just boils over into other parts of my life I could even have more road rage than usual or pick a fight with a loved one sometimes if I haven't been in therapy for a bit I know that I should you know remember I'm not perfect either but I can just be irritable and angry with everyone and anyone around me but by giving ourselves a permission to feel it as it comes we can ensure that no innocent bystander gets hurt even if that bystander is us and it's our own mental and physical health that takes the brunt of it number three talk to your partner or a supportive person in your life it is so important that you not only have a support system around you to help you as you work through this but dealing with infertility can take its toll on our relationship or our marriage it can cause resentment misplaced anger bring up feelings of inadequacy and at times make you feel so disconnected from one another even though different people will react differently to infertility it's important to talk about all your feeling and to listen to them express their take on it too just because they may respond differently doesn't mean that either of your feelings are right or wrong just be open to talking about it with them it's so important that we communicate give yourself the time to do it and working as a team is important also for the longevity of your relationship and will ensure you come out of this time in your life stronger together if you and your partner are already having too difficult a time to talk it out on your own reaching out to a therapist in your area is a great resource – and you can even look for one that specializes in infertility issues there are a lot of them out there and ideally I mean let's be honest we all should be in therapy while trying to conceive since having a child can put a lot of strain on a relationship I mean because of lack of sleep lack of alone time together the financial stress it could cause you know there's a lot of things so getting into therapy to prevent any issues from getting bigger is always best number four allow yourself to grieve infertility can often mean dealing with miscarriage or even grieving the loss of what you thought the process would be like for you and your partner we so often feel the urge to keep pushing through and ignore how different life may be than what we had planned giving ourselves the time to acknowledge that difference and be sad or mad about it can help us better manage this very difficult time joining support groups for infertility or for those who've lost a child due to miscarriage can be really really helpful – and give you more of a chance to express all you may be feeling honestly I think it can be validating just to hear that someone else feels very similarly to how we feel and I truly believe that we all need to grieve a lot at different points in our lives not just when we lose loved ones things don't always turn out as planned and much of what we go through is completely out of our control and we often have to grieve the loss of the dream that we may be had you know maybe that dream about what life was gonna look like and be like and feel like so maybe today try writing out what you thought this process is going to be like and look like to you and then maybe cry about it tear up what you wrote throw it in a fire it's okay to be upset it's okay to grieve we just have to give ourselves the time needed to really really feel it and fifth and finally take care of yourself during times of extreme stress or upset we can neglect our basic needs so make sure you're showering regularly getting enough sleep and eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full if you feel any of these things are way off or too difficult to complete now will be a good time to reach out to see a therapist since self-care is something we have to do on our own so even if you're going to therapy you know alone without your partner it can still really help during this time because we all need to make sure our issues with infertility don't push us in to a depressive episode or make any of our pre-existing mental illnesses worse so take the time to care for yourself and ensure you're able to manage your basic needs each and every day there is so much more to talk about when it comes to this subject but I just wanted to really start the conversation with you this video has been brought to you by the Kenyans on patreon if you would like to support the creation of these mental health videos click the link the description and check it out so please let me know if there's another topic within this realm you'd like to see me create I would love to talk about this more and as always share your experience too are there things you did to help you cope with your fertility issues or anything you wish you would that I would have mentioned let me know in those comments down below then I will see you next time right

36 Replies to “Coping With Infertility | Kati Morton”

  1. It`s been ninety days since I`ve attempted to get pregnant and now I`m searching for something totally new to attempt. I tried the “Gοfαt Fanvuko” (Goοgle it), luckily. The program is wonderful at helping you study your periods and signs to see your body`s differences. I am heartening my buddies to attempt to plan. By visiting Goοgle, you will see more..

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  3. @kati is it worthy to tell toxic people to stop making those comments? I’m afraid she’ll laugh and know she’s hurting my feelings and get satisfaction from it. I try not to pay attention or just smile away. She’s my coworker there’s no way to get away from her. Today she told me I could had look beautiful pregnant😒

  4. Thank you so much for doing this and the other infertility video. It’s extremely hard for us.. especially me. I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant but me. It’s been really tough. ❤️

  5. I can't afford to have kids because I can't get loans or afford IUI or IVF and I'm gay. So I'm basically destroyed and hopeless and suicidal

  6. I've struggled with infertility for a long time now. I have a time clock. I was diagnosed with pcos and one of the symptoms is infertility. I'm very lucky to have my daughter and I'm grateful but me and my fiance want another baby before my surgery. We've been trying for #2 for like 2.5 years and it's difficult. I see all my friends and family around me getting pregnant so easily and I'm happy for them but.. Still I'm a little envious.

  7. Yes! Thank you ☺
    Would you please talk about hysterectomy at 35 years old and how that affects relationships. How to cope with it and different strategies to feeling whole again?

  8. Thank you for linking me to this video kati! I'm surprised I haven't seen this video, I'm going to try out some of these techniques to help me cope through this difficult time

  9. It must have been really difficult a couple hundred years ago when a woman was a queen and had fertility problems since she was under social obligation to produce and hair to the throne.

  10. I’m about to be 32 and I’m single and I’m really scared that it’s never going to happen for me.

  11. Cancer made me unable to have children. There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in that. But, for me, having a kitten who loves to cuddle on my lap all day really helps.

  12. I needed this today. Thank you, and bless you for being the kind soul you are to help others. ❤️

  13. Thank you, saw you on Shane Dawsons video. I tried for 2 years with an ex partner and was told by doctors he had issues he has since gone on and had 2 kids and they never tested me (split up not due to this issue). Me and my fiance have been trying for nearly 2 years and currently waiting on test results. Its been quite a journey but i have been looking into adoption more and more, so i think if i get negative news it wont seem as final as i might be able to help a child that really needs loving parents. This is the first video i watched but if you do a something on how people are adopted feel that would be interesting.

  14. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy when I was 30 years old (10 years ago). I went into hospital to have surgery to remove some fibroids, but it turned complicated so they had to remove my womb there and then. As you can imagine, it was devastating for me and my husband and we definitely when through a type of grief. What is also upsetting is that our type of infertility isn't really recognised by friends or family as a grief because our children have never exisisted, we've never even had a chance to experience buying a preganancy test, but I love my children even though I haven't had any. In order to process it all I wrote an annoymous blog about my experience and it really helped. I got a few followers and the comments were reasurring and supportive. I felt like I wasn't alone. I also joined an online group called gateway women ( it was free at the time but I think you have to pay now) which really helped because I was surrounded ny people who understood. Feel free to check out my blog. I don't write it anymore because I got a job in the Caribbean so it was a nice a ending to a difficult time and I stopped writing it. It still upsets me that I can't have children, but I have come to terms with it and have moved on with my life. Things do get better, but it takes a while to feel comfortable with the new normal.

  15. I find it hard to interact with those who are either pregnant or just had a baby. How do you process your own hurts and still find a way to be happy for them?

  16. An interesting fact that comes to mind about this topic – my mom had banned Mothers Day from our household because her godmother is infertile. In fact, Auntie Tamara has a lot of godchildren, because her friends knew how much she wanted kids, and said that she is officially the honorary mom of all of their kids. And she really did seem happy about it, she loves all her godkids and has always done her best to be able to help and babysit them and legit stand in as their second mom!
    My mom justifies the banning of Mothers Day saying "There are many women who would love nothing more than to have a kid, and this holiday spits in the faces of those women! And alternatively, there are so many so-called mothers who had abused and neglected their kids and don't deserve to be called 'mom' and yet they get celebrated and the kid is made out to be the bad guy for not loving an awful mother. We have international women's day, congratulate me then, but mothers day is banned"
    I just really wanted to share this on the topic, coz honestly a) I wanted to gush about how amazing and strong Auntie Tamara is and b) I thought it's an interesting way of looking at the whole mother thing.

  17. I know so many other people have already shared their story and maybe it is pointless to shate mine too, but i feel the need…so idk…here we go…

    First, im a 27 yro gal in my 2nd marriage. My first husband was abusive. He forced me to take birth control because he didnt like how i would get depressed and angry on my periods and wouldnt want to have sex. So the depovera shot fixed that for him. (I still didnt want to have sex…and it has taken me until recently to accept that he raped me several times) Then when it started effecting me badly…worsening my depression and stuff mr dr told me i shouldnt take it anymore. Then he suddenly wanted kids…and when i couldnt get pregnant right away he would constantly use that to mentally manipulate and abuse me. On my birthday one year he actually replaced the "happy birthday" song with one he made up about how im a broken piece of trash. Childish, i know. But it still hurt. Since i left him, I've been with an awesome and super supportive guy. We got married in 2016. But before that, in 2015 we'd been together for about 2 1/2 years and i found out i was pregnant. First time and only time. A week later for no apparent reason i miscarried. On 7-20-15. I'll never forget it. I was about 6 wks along. It tore me up. I ended up quitting my job because i couldnt function. And at the time he was a long haul driver. So i went with him. End of that year i started seeing an ob/gyn to figure out what was going on. I went through so much testing, poking, prodding, different meds, and different drs…there was never a CLEAR diagnosis until last summer i finally got fed up with the pain i was having in my abdoment and told my dr she needed to figure something out THAT DAY or I'd go to someone else and stop seeing her. Long story short, i now know that i have PCOS. It had been an idea tosses around for awhile…but they never really tried to diagnose me until i raised a stink about it. The diagnosis didnt fix anything obviously…just gave me a more defined way to go about things. What treatments i may need, meds, and possible lifestyle/natural things that may work. I still have other undiagnosed issues…like why tf am i always in pain elsewhere in my body? There are more reasons that i need to discuss with my dr. But i can only mentally handle so much. This has fucked me up more than i can express through text. I was going to therapy, but because of what i do for work (daycare for my niece and nephew) and money…i had to stop earlier this year. It's tough when no one wants to help me out by watching them when i would have a therapy apt. Im currently taking metformin and welbutrin. The welbutrin sucks. It doesnt work for shit. I also take CBD oil to help with pain. And prilosec daily because apparently if the 1 test my dr did for it doesnt come bavk positive, that means that there's nothing she could possibly do to make things better. I really need a new dr…but tbh i wouldnt know who to see or how to even ask to see someone else at this point. My bitch ass is too damn nervous. Or maybe i just dont care as much as i think i do. Idk. But, anyways, for what its worth, there you have it. My story. The short version believe it or not…

  18. I'm infertile. But, I'd prefer to adopt if I ever decide I do want children.

    I often forget I cannot have children biologically. Weird how our priorities can differ so drastically from person to person.

  19. I’m glad you covered this. I don’t know if I have it medically, but I know I want children but haven’t found someone to have them with and don’t know if I ever will. That isn’t the same, of course, but I know how much that hurts me so I can only imagine how much more it could be for others.

    I wish the best for everyone.

  20. Hi Kati! Can you do a video covering low libido and sex therapy?
    Love your videos!! Thank you for making such great videos

  21. Interesting how people talk about wanting kids..
    I am the one who doesnt want them.. i feel like i would be a horrible father.

  22. Please make more video’s on this topic! My husband and I have been stuggeling with infertillity for more than 10 years! And the dochters cannot even find anything wrong. We have tried Everything and also taken multiple breaks from trying.

  23. Thank you to talk about this topic. I am born with sterility (I have Rokitansky mrkh syndrom, born without uterus) and even if I'm transitioning and taking testosterone, it's still a delicate topic for me. This is taboo in my family, it was never talked about and  I never felt I could talk and express what I felt, and so I'm still now with a lot of anger and can not stand pregnant women near me. I just can't cope with it.

  24. I have depression and anxiety, I don't want to have children because I feel I would be a terrible parent I'm not sure how I should overcome these feelings? Also how do you deal with the guilt of depriving your partner of having a child?

  25. I noticed that you said "When do you want to have children" and not "Do you want to have children", and I just need to point out how problematic that is. Yes, a lot of people do want children, but some of us don't, and I'm sure that some people who don't really want children are pressured into having children by family, partners and society in general. I believe it's really harmful to talk about it in this way, and that it also makes it worse for those who are infertile and do want children. We need to show that you can be a successful and happy person in a happy relationship without having children!

  26. Hi Kati, I have a question to ask you, if possible. As a teen I self harmed, I've been in therapy and now I don't anymore. But I still have some self harm scars, I'm going to work as a kindergarten teacher, would there be any problems with my scars about you? Thank you! Love your videos♡

  27. Thank you for sharing this. This year has been a tough one. My husband and I just celebrated 10 years together. He has been very patient and understanding about my infertility. Both my younger sisters had babies this year, a month apart from each other. I've been lucky enough to be there for them, though the planning, the baby showers. I'm an aunt to a wonderful baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and that's ok.

  28. Hello Kati.
    I hear often that it's never too late to have a healthy childhood, but i've also come to believe that on the level of mental and social developement, this is is untrue, as you reach milestones in childhood that are impossible to replicate. Basically, what this means is, if you don't learn something by a certain age, be that speech, motor skills, social skills,self care and understanding of emotions, your developement of those skills will always be stunted and malformed, and you will never reach the same maturity as your peers.

    Not only that, but abuse or permenantly damages your brain by forcing your brain to adapt to the abuse.

    What is your take on this?

  29. please make some arrangement for video calling with patients that i believe will help people
    if i am wrong correct me because i am new to the channel i came from the video from jacksepticeye for mental things

  30. Hi Kati, I'm from the UK 😊 could you possibly do a video on touch deprivation please? It's such a big issue but there's so little information on it :/

  31. I grieve for the children I can't ever have, and I grieve because of the painful gender dysphoria that I have because I can never get a woman I love pregnant, never watch her belly grow knowing that inside, was a part of both of us, and looking into my own eyes when I welcome my child into the world. It's possible that the female sex organs I have wouldn't work anyway because of pcos, but I don't and never have considered them an option. I am not strong enough to use them. I know that to some it seems like I'm choosing to be infertile or that I'm taking what I have for granted, but that isn't the case at all. I'm trying to work through that guilt as well.

  32. Hey Kati I'm sorry this is kind of irrelevant to the vid (I'm still in my teens but it was a very educational video for me) I just want to ask how do I deal with a manupulative friend. She's been bullied when she was younger and due to that trauma she's going through depression and a lot anxiety as well which she does cope with by going to a therapist but at times she depends on me alot because I'm her best friend and yknow I'm supposed to be the one that has her back, but when she does mistakes and in turn has caused so much hateful energy but she refuses to accept responsibility over it and I try to talk to her about it, she dismisses me cuz I'm her support and if I say smtg wrong I'm terrified that I might trigger her into a panic attack. I want to help her as much as I can but it's so difficult to say no to her because her family depends on me to check on her at school and I'm with her almost every day, the negativity is starting to rub off on me and it's getting tiring to be her friend and it's not easy trying to say hey I don't think we can be friends anymore because she's always said we'll be tgt forever and if you ever leave me I think I might kill myself because she's dealt with other toxic friends that left her. Tldr I just wanted to say this out loud for the first time cuz I can never tell my parents or friends about this and I've been burdened with this thought for about 3 years now and it's good to finally have the courage to at least even comment it here

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