EVERY HOOKUP EVER


Dude, I swear, every guy in this bar has a girlfriend. You know, you’d think it’d be easier to find a meaningless hookup. What are you doing? Um, my ex, Ryan, is coming to pick me up. Wait, you came out tonight to get over your ex. I have face wipes and extra panties in my purse. I’m hooking up tonight, even if it emotionally destroys me. This sounds like a really bad idea. Oh, it is. Every hookup ever. (Courtney) Why won’t he make a move? Maybe he really did just want to watch a movie? Come on, Tucker! Make a move! Just put your arm around her, or something. Am I being sexist? It’s 2019! Girls can make moves, too! Put your arm around him! High five. [Nervous laughter] Oh, God! What the hell was that?! A high five? Seriously? Okay, uh, this is dumb. She obviously came here to hook up, dude. Well, maybe she just feels bad for me. I-I-I don’t- just ask her if she wants a kiss! Just tell him what you want. It’s not weird. People do that! (Ian) Do you sex?
(Courtney) So horny! We went to second base… like, we watched baseball. Okay. Okay, buddy. Tonight’s the big night. Kelly totally wants us, so I need to make sure that you’re gonna be on my team. That you’re gonna step up to the plate, okay? Not- Not- chicken out and run away, you know, and hide From outside: You okay in there? Uh, yeah! I’ll be there in a second, Kelly! Let’s do this. Uhh. Uh, hang on one second. What’s wrong? Uh, nothing. I just need to use the bathroom again. Hey, buddy. What’s going on? I need you to do just one thing for me, and you can’t do it. I-I-I treat you right, don’t I? You do, you do. I’m sorry, i’m just nervous. Uh, but I’m ready to do it again. Oh, god. I-I-I give you massages, don’t I? The massages? Incredible. You’ve literally never gotten an STD, and that’s thanks to me. I mean, have we been to the beach lately? Cause I haven’t seen any crabs, you know. Sometimes, I make sure to take off my pants when we’re watching movies, so that you can watch them with me. I’m doing my best. You don’t have to be a dick. Okay, and I’m not being ironic there. Okay? Alright. Let’s get in there. Yeah. I love you, buddy. Love you too, Dad. Yo, dude. He sucked my ear. Hey, Rach. Hey. Wild night? Yeah, I guess you could say I had hot steamy sex with a total stranger. Uuh, Cool! Yeah, right? Yeah. Good for you! Thanks. Rach, are you doing that fake walk of shame thing again? Yeah, and Joe down the hall totally thinks I slept with a stranger. Why do you care what Joe thinks? Clout. Rachel, that doesn’t make any sense. CLOUT, Ally. Okay. Sorry, my cat fell asleep on my bed.We can’t hook up tonight. Wait. Do you have a condom? Oh, yeah. Alright. Aw, man! I’m all out. How many were in there? I don’t know, it was like a twelve pack. Twelve!? So did you bang twelve different women, or did you bang one woman twelve times, and dump her after you got bored? Neither. Okay, well, you’re lucky I’m really jonesing for a bonesing, otherwise I’d be PO’d. I think I have some in my purse Okay. Oh, no! I’m out, too. How many were in that box? It was like a value pack, so like a hundred. We used tongue, do you think she’s pregnant? God! Ah, incredible. Hey, Chip. Last night, what’d ya end up doin’? Oh, dude, last night… Alyssa and I, we ended up hooking up. Wow. (Keith) Hold up. Hold- W-w-w-wait wait. But ain’t you a virgin, though? Yeah, we kissed. Chip, kissing isn’t hooking up. It’s a handy or better. Oh, hell no. It’s sex, plain and simple. How would you know? Come on, are you kidding me? – (Shayne) Okay, sorry, but you’re both wrong (Shayne) See, hooking up is clearly when you take a woman’s [bleep] and you put it inside your own [bleep] and then you just [bleep] around a bunch and then you take garden hose,s and you wrap it around each other’s [bleep] and you just [bleep], you [bleep] a lot, and then you want to take Newman’s own salad dressing and lube your entire [bleep] up, and then you just [bleep] back and forth, back and forth, and it’s really aggressive and you can get really sick, and then you have to call your dad and have him pick you up while you just cry all the way home. What the f*ck is wrong with you? A Lot. I’m always prepared for one-night stands. I bring my own bed everywhere. Thanks for inviting me over last night. I’m glad you came. Over. To the.. Me, too So… You wanna get breakfast? I guess. (Noah) So.. what now? Should we spend the day together? Yeah, I guess. So.. you wanna sleep over again? I guess. Cool. So, uh, should we get married? Yeah, probably. Okay. Okay. I’ll go tell the cats. Yep. Let’s get out of this Hooters. Good morning. Good morning to you. (Ian) So, uhm Guess this means you’re my girlfriend now, right? Uhhm. [sigh] Woah. Wow! I’M PREGANANT! So, what d’you wanna do? Yo, you smash a ton. I do! So like… just butt stuff, then. And then you take otter pops and shove them into both of your ears. and, you know, it only gets worse from there, because at that point you’ve attracted rats, and you just gotta deal with them. You just gotta stomp ’em. You got to stomp ’em, like that. Some of us are comfortable in our bodies, and our sexualities, so clearly, none of us are friends. His whole seat is wet. [Keith farts] That one’s gonna smell, bro. (Behind Camera) Why are you letting it out? Cause it stinks, it f*cking stinks. I don’t wanna smell it, I don’t wanna do this to him. I just- (Behind Camera) That’s yours?? That was me. (Behind Camera) Why did you- Aw, I thought it was- 0h, my God.

100 Replies to “EVERY HOOKUP EVER”

  1. 5:15 The first time I watched this I thought they were just two best friends having a sleepover. I think I misunderstood the first time.

  2. Who else started to laugh uncontrollably as soon as Courtney got on Ian and they acted like they were aggressively making out lol 😂

  3. what’s up with the two bros sleeping over and getting “married” i’m confused. what does that have to do with a hookup??

  4. Can smosh please do a fake video if Courtney and Shayne announcing they were dating….. or do a video where they are a couple for 24 hours!!!!!!!!!! Also spin the bottle suggestions:

    Fake wedding ceremony
    Talk about feelings -love ya courtbort!

  5. anyone else just miss the old smosh… like with the songs dixon cider, assassin creed 3 song. the food battles n that. was literally my childhood

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