Guided Mindfulness Meditation: Understanding the ache of miscarriage – 10 minutes (2019)

Hi everyone. Today I want to offer a 10-minute guided meditation
after I share something that I observed after going to dinner on Saturday night. I don’t know if y’all have watched any of
my other videos, but about six weeks ago my husband and I lost our little girl. I was about 5 and a half months along, so
it was really hard. It was a really traumatic series of events,
and it wasn’t something I was wholly unfamiliar with. I have several close friends who have struggled
with infertility and child loss. But I remember really struggling to identify
with them and this need for them to have a baby. I love children. I don’t think I’ve ever been someone who dislikes
children. But I couldn’t really understand in the aftermath
of losing a baby why you would still want one so badly. And I was at this restaurant Saturday night
and I saw a newborn. He couldn’t have weighed more than six or
seven pounds, sitting at a table near us. And the dad had the baby, little tennis ball
head in his one hand and his entire body in the other hand. And I felt this sensation of hands stretching
my chest apart. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel overcome
with emotion, which has happened before in public. But the stretch and the ache was very apparent,
it was very involuntary. That’s what surprised me the most was that
I wasn’t feeling mentally stirred with lots of thoughts about “Why me?” or “I wish that
was my baby…” or anything like that. And upon reflection, I began thinking about
my friends who had lost babies, either through miscarriage or just through some tragic set
of circumstances. And I think the thing that no one ever articulated
to me was that ache isn’t something that you make up or you’re not just tortured with this
series of thoughts in your head about “why me” … “why can’t I have a baby” … it’s
very … it’s just there. It is an ache. It is a longing to have a babe against your
chest that doesn’t go away. It gets lesser and lesser. I’m able to go about my day and I find joy
in things and I feel like each day I get closer and closer to understanding what acceptance
of things that are outside our control looks like. And so in the middle of the peace that I feel
and the acceptance I’m choosing to receive, there’s also this physical response of my
body that I can’t make go away. And so I just wanted to offer today that,
I get it. And if you have a friend who is going through
a season of grief over losing a baby, I want to offer that perspective to you because I
feel like it would’ve really helped me be there in a better way for my friends when
they were going through their grief. That this is something out of their control,
this is something that they aren’t just dwelling on 24/7 that makes them want a baby so badly. It is I would imagine biological at its baseline,
that you want a babe to hold. But it’s also, what I’m learning, it’s very
instinctual. The grief and the desire for a baby, especially
when you’ve held one in your body and didn’t get to hold him in your arms. That is something that does change you. And it’s not that any of us are choosing to
just dwell. Some days we need to. But for the most part, we want that baby in
our arms, and it’s not something we can force or do anything about. Especially in the first weeks and months after
that loss. So I just want to offer a meditation in honor
of people going through that and the friends and family in their lives who are trying to
support them and be there in ways that don’t make sense. I tried to be there for my friends and I felt
like I came up empti-handed a lot. I want to offer a 10-minute guided meditation. That’s what I’m bringing to my meditation
today — is just this sense of I can’t control it, the longing doesn’t go away, the stretch
across my body shows up at times when I least expect it, or when it seems pretty logical
like when you see a baby in public. I hope this meditation will offer you some
comfort and some way to work with it if you’re going through something similar. I’m gonna set a timer for 10 minutes and I’ll
walk you through the entire meditation and instruction. If this is your first time, you don’t need
any experience. I’ll be here to walk you through it. So I’m gonna set a timer and we’ll get started
now. [timer dings] Let’s start by taking our seat whether that’s
on a cushion on the floor with your legs crossed loosely in front of you, or sitting in a chair. Both are equally wonderful and perfectly fine. If you sit in a chair, please be sure to sit
with your feet flat on the ground. And as you take your seat, just really give
your weight to whatever cushion is below you. The back is strong and straight. Let the shoulders relax. No need to carry any tension in your shoulders
today. The back of the neck should be long but the
chin can be tucked just a little bit to help protect the back of the neck. The palms rest lightly on the thigh , somewhere
around mid-thigh, whatever is comfortable for you. And the gaze is cast down to a spot about
six feet in front of you. Let the eyes be soft. Let them take in the whole visual space in
front of them so that they’re not gripping on one spot or another. Breath comes in and out of the nose naturally. There’s no technique here. And really let your belly relax. Let your belly soften. As we sit together, you’ll probably continue
to think thoughts and that’s a good thing. The point of this meditation isn’t to stop
thinking but to rather notice if you become absorbed or carried away in a thought. If that happens, it’s no problem. Just say to yourself, “thinking” and notice
that thought and let it go. And come back to place your attention on the
natural rise and fall of your breath. [timer dings] Please bring your practice to a close. And drop the meditation technique. Thank you for being here with me and for choosing
to sit here now.

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