How to move past Miscarriage as a couple. // Life, Marriage, and Miscarriage.

guys I have tried to record this video so much and it's so hard because I don't know where to start and I don't know where to end and I don't talk about but I do know what I should talk about so um let's just go ahead and get it started I'm not gonna record it anymore I want to start off by saying that I know the quality isn't good but life isn't perfect so I'm just kind of embracing this right now I have a very nice camera I'm looking right at it that I could wrote recorded this on but then I would have had to upload it and edit it and a million other things and I'm just I'm just ready to talk to you guys about this I'm ready to say what happened I'm ready to share our story and I wish Brandon was here with me today and we probably should have done this yesterday when he was home with me but um y'all would be fine with just me I think so I'm just gonna jump straight into it so if you guys know me or have you been following me mainly on Instagram I didn't I didn't post this on Facebook for a while I didn't that was a platform I wasn't ready for but Instagram I was ready for and I was ready for Instagram because that's where a lot of my clients follow me it's where I have the most interaction with people and when I made our post it was because I knew it was affecting my job and I didn't want to have to send out 40 or 50 individual emails letting people know what had happened I just wanted to make one post and be done with it and that's what I did so if you've been following me you know that a little over a month month and a half ago I made a post that was a little alarming because it was kind of out of nowhere and it said that I had experienced and and it's an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage and that I'd almost died and if you follow me on social media you know that Danielle is always happy and always energetic so to see a post like that it takes you back a little bit you're like what this was it so this is just gonna kind of be my story on that what happened and just just kind of all of it I still get asked about it a month and a half later I just got asked about it on Sunday from somebody who's one of my really good friends but that I hadn't seen and he asked me about it we talked about it a little bit and I didn't go into detail and I got really silent and then he said I mean if you don't want to talk about that's fine but can I ask what happened and I was like oh gosh yeah I'll talk to anybody about this so I was like didn't you know you need to make the video like you need to make the video you need to be honest me be real with people and tell me what happened so this is it this is what happened okay so I want to start off by saying that Brandon and I had been trying to have a baby for over a year year and a half and I know a lot of you I know you're so young they're so young why did you do that well I did it because I always knew that getting pregnant for me was going to be really really hard like some people are like you didn't know that but I'm a firm believer in women's intuition and I had I had it from the get-go so we had started trying a little earlier then we necessarily wanted a baby because I just anticipated it's gonna be hard if this was gonna be a journey for us and boy was I right about that was I right about that so Brandon and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half now and we were at a point where I had been to multiple doctors all over I mean I went to doctors in Washington's Washington State so like Seattle I've been to doctors here in the Triangle in North Carolina like I've been to doctors and we finally got told by our final doctor that you know there's nothing I can do for you your next appointment is to go to any fertility doctor that's it that's all I got for you that should be your next step so Brandon I cried a little bit I was like yeah and then I got happy and I said we're gonna get an infertility doctor and they're gonna help us and maybe and then another year we'll have a baby we'll have our miracle baby after three years of trying you know so we go we make our infertility appointment and not even a week later I find out I'm pregnant what crazy I know I was so excited Brandon was a little alarmed but I was really excited I immediately started looking up baby stuff on Pinterest and planning my baby shower and just an insane amount of things because I was just so ready for this to happen I was just so excited and I called I made our first doctor's appointment I was like let's do this thing and it's important to note because all this has kind of filter in towards each other I just been out of the country for 11 days I just been increased for 11 days in 3 days later I come back and I find out I'm pregnant well okay so that's a little alarming to me and then on top of that I was experiencing from the beginning I only found out I was pregnant because of pain that I was feeling okay I had been experiencing the worst pain of my life on my left side on the left side of my stomach like right where your hip bone is I would wake up and be just in tears I just felt so bad I felt something so nauseous and I found out I was pregnant and I just pinned it on morning sickness like a doctor googled myself and it was like it looks normal but I called I made our appointment and I let the receptionist on the phone know how I was feeling I gave her all the point I was just out of the country for 11 days I just found out I'm pregnant after a year and a half of trying and no luck I've been experiencing some of the worst pain in my life and she assured me that it was normal and it was my body adjusting and there was no and to be worried about and then she assured me so much that I didn't have a doctor's plane for the next two weeks because they were just full there was no other doctor I can go to and they're in their clinic or their office or whatever my first time being pregnant I'm just like a guy a week later on May 4th I was photographing away and my left fallopian tube burst it exploded in my body I experienced something called an ectopic pregnancy and I want to clarify this for a minute an ectopic pregnancy is different than a miscarriage and a miscarriage is different than the next topic pregnancy they have different reasons they have different causes they have different outcomes not every ectopic pregnancy ends the way our skin a lot of people have full-term ectopic pregnancies with healthy beautiful babies afterwards a lot of people have it topic pregnancies and they get a choice where they have to terminate their pregnancy because the mother's life could be at risk a lot of people have miscarriages and nobody knows the reason why it could be you ate something wrong you went on a walk that was too long you stretched your brain out too much they're different so I want to preface all of this saying that because although I did experience a miscarriage and that was very traumatic and sad for me the saddest part to me is that my body was experiencing something that could have been caught by a doctor in time and it wasn't because nobody took it seriously the doctors didn't take it seriously when I caught him at an appointment me saying that I was experiencing the worst pain that I've ever felt my life on my left side when I just found out that I was pregnant and had been out of the country for 11 days wasn't an alarming fact to my OBGYN and that just makes me sad that makes me sad makes and this isn't like a a woman's right saying this is a it just it's saddening to know that a woman can't complain or a woman can't confide in somebody and say she's hurting and she's experiencing this without basically it being brushed off and saying that you're being a little dramatic in its life and that's your body growing and expanding because you're pregnant no that was my body like almost dying I was experiencing pain for my type like pregnancy for weeks before it was caught and I had gone to a doctor's appointment while I was pregnant and that doctor told me that I just needed to go to an infertility doctor when I was pregnant and she didn't know it so and that's not a fault it's just its life and that's what it is so on May 4th if you guys don't know this I'm a wedding photographer I photograph a lot of weddings okay I love what I do and I'll make forth a really big way and I was just so excited for this wedding and I had a bad feeling about it though I just had this like little inkling feeling I got a second shooter but this time I was like very intentional about the second shooting that I got for this wedding because I just that woman's intuition I had it I had a feeling and I said I need I haven't been feeling good I need a second true that's really really capable of finishing the day without me in case I need to sit down or something like that because I'm not feeling well so I show up to the wedding everything is going good the couple gets married it's great boom boom boom I'm here for it until its cocktail hour and I tell that couple go outside for like 20 minutes enjoy your cocktail hour I'm gonna finish up detail shots and I'm gonna go the restroom and then we're going to go out there and do your couples portraits guys I sent them on their way and I went to the restroom and I experienced the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and this isn't one of those you have no pain tolerance somebody said that to me actually multiple people have said that to me and first off you know how rude that is to say well you don't really have a pain tolerance I had an organ explode tell me about your pain tolerance and Oregon exploded in my body you don't say you don't have pain tolerance sorry that's a whole nother thing but so I was at the wedding and my left low peon – exploded it ruptured I had no idea what was going on keep in mind that I've given the doctor all these all these things that I thought were alarms but they assured me they were and I go on to my wedding I do all this and I just found out that I'm pregnant and it's taken me a while and I'm trying to drink lots of water and I'm trying to like eat because I normally eat like once maybe twice a day and I start at like 2:30 p.m. but this day I'd like woke up like cooked breakfast it was like drinking 40 ounces of water at a hydro flask like I was I was like prepared so when that happened when I was experiencing this pain I thought I was dehydrated guys I thought I was not pass out I thought I hadn't been getting enough liquid and I thought that I was gonna be okay I just needed some water and my body was just a little weak but I was in the bathroom and I experienced that pain and I just I knew something wasn't right and so my friend was the planner and florist and designer and everything first and I got really really lucky this day when I think about it it's just like the like and I don't like to say the word lucky like I don't like to say oh I got lucky because I don't believe in luck I don't believe I'd get anywhere in life on look I believe that I work to get where I need to be and everything that happens in my life happens because I've worked for and I've prepped for it and I've given it my all so does so to use the word look for a day like this it's a kind of ironic maybe I don't know maybe I'm using the word rent but I got a hold of Erica and she has never been pregnant and is just like pregnancies not for her and her sister was there signe who is pregnant and Erica got Sydnee in there and Sydney just started feeding me water and I couldn't stand and I couldn't sit and I couldn't lay down and I just remember my vision like I like this sounds like crazy like tie lines and stuff but it was just getting darker and darker and darker and had no idea what was happening to me and all I could think is I just need to eat something I just need some peanut butter crackers and I just need some Gatorade I just need to hydrate like that's it I'm okay and the pain just kept getting worse and worse and worse and before I knew what my husband was there and he had picked me up from this wedding and my second shooter Kristen is such an amazing woman because she knew something wasn't right and I did I never even talked to her before I left we looked at each other like as I was like laying on the floor in the worst pain ever she looked at me and said Patrick's on his way and Patrick is her husband and she called him and they came to take over that wedding for me they came to finish it and I will never be more grateful for that because the entire time that I was coming through one of those traumatic things in my life all I could think about was the couple on the wedding day I was like oh my gosh I'm not going to be there they paid me so much money I have to get back to the wedding I have to like I'm gonna go to the hospital they're gonna give me some IVs I'm gonna get back to the wedding bye like before the reception starts a copy back during dinner I thought it was gonna be gone for an hour and I was gonna come back he hydrated have like you know electrolytes going through my arms like I thought I was gonna be good but we got to the hospital and passed out before I even made it to the back of the emergency room and when we got back there we told all the doctors she's you know I'm pregnant we don't know what's going on and I just kept telling them I was experiencing some of the worst pain ever and we found out that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy after a couple of ultrasounds they realized why all something's not right and I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy so what happened is my left fallopian tube had exploded in my body well combusted just down you know what I'm saying so an ectopic pregnancy is where the fertilized egg never makes it to uterus like it like you know goes in and then it's got like two little tubes that can go in like your right or your left little V into my never and then it goes up to the years my never made it it never made it it never finished the cycle so it implanted our fertilized egg and planted itself and my left fallopian tube and it continued to grow every week that I was pregnant until it exploded and so crazy it's so crazy to say it's so crazy to say and to be here and talk about it it's crazy but they figured out that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and they called my doctor and doctor was on his way and then as I'm laying there on an emergency room bed it's like she's so pale she's pale and I'm like I'm always pale always my sister just did I'm and this is what I'm yelling in my head cuz I think that I'm talking to them but Brandon has gone on to let me know I wasn't really talking guys how out of it I was but in my head I'm screaming my sister just did ancestry DNA and we're 70% Irish I'm always pale I'm like give me peanut butter crackers and Gatorade and let's do this thing like I gotta go back to work that's what I'm saying in my head if I ever said it um because um I also feel like this is taking hours I feel like I'm in the emergency room for three and a half hours even looking back I'm like I was there all nine but him Brandon's like we were there for 25 minutes we were in the back of the emergency room for probably 20-30 minutes tops because they experienced oh well they realized I was having an ectopic pregnancy and then right after they realized that I was bleeding internally that I was losing blood at a rapid rapid right I kind of remember past that is like them coming in giving me blood transfusions and then being wheeled into surgery and the entire time I'm just thinking like is my baby okay when I think I kind of always knew like with the pain that I had been experiencing for those weeks that we weren't gonna meet that baby that it just wasn't gonna happen it wasn't in Our Stars so it's pretty sad I'm sorry I don't want to cry about it I'm not going to but that's what happened guys I didn't just miscarry I didn't go to the bathroom one day and realized that I didn't have a baby anymore I didn't have a experience where they imeem I don't know I don't know what a miscarriage just like and I'll never pretend to know what it's like because I know what my topic pregnancy was like and it was well scariest Taisen and it was tough and it still is tough and sometimes I don't want to talk about it and sometimes I did and today I want to I want to tell you guys what happened I want to explain to you so you feel like if you ever go through any of this that you're not alone because I see thanks for miscarriages all day online I don't see anything for a topic pregnancies I don't see anything that says how to cope with being an entrepreneur and writing your business and trying for something and losing it and it just crushed every ounce of you I don't see anything like that there's no comfort for me but there will be there will be and every day it gets more and more comforting because I just think about how lucky I am I think about how lucky I am how lucky brandon is how lucky we are together that we have such a strong marriage and such a strong relationship that not even not even 12 hours after the surgery like I got rushed into surgery I don't know probably like 8:30 I'm joking I don't know what time it was that's I don't know but let's just say 8:30 and I woke up at like 2:30 that and I just laid in my hospital bed just looking at my husband and saying like I remember thinking I'm so sorry I'm so sorry you had to go through this alone I'm so sorry that you had to lose a baby and almost lose your life I just I can't imagine so saying that the word luck has something to do with this guys it's true like I've never been like I'm a lucky person but if this ain't luck I don't know what yes and I'm just so lucky to have Brandon through this all I'm so lucky that he loves me enough and we both love our marriage enough to know that we're gonna make it through and it's gonna be okay and we don't have to talk about what happened every day and we don't we don't have we don't talk about it at all but we choose to and we choose to chip to share our story with people to help other people to show them that they're not alone and I'm just so thankful I'm so thankful for each and every one of you and I'm so thankful for our family and Brandon it my sister and my friends that were concerned I mean I'm just so thankful for you all and I just hope you know that if you ever go through anything that there's always gonna be people for you and even when you feel like you can't share or you don't know how to share and everything that you can and there's gonna be people there that care and I'm one of them because I know how it feels to say people aren't gonna care about this but we do so share with us tell me because if I can go through something like that and come out with a positive attitude saying it just wasn't our time and things are gonna get better maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but each day is a day where it gets better each choice that I make is a choice to make my mental state better my life better everything so that was it that was it that was our story that's what happened to me um sorry for the shaky video in the sound again but I just wanted to talk to you guys about that and if you have any more questions on anything ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage or a lot of people couldn't like endometriosis stuff like I'm here for you guys just message me let me know comment on this and I'll help you any way I can

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