but I am so struggling grew frightening and you have to grieve well and let that wave crash what do you think you're doing wait what happened are you stuck yeah yeah what's what are we gonna do good morning you guys if you haven't seen if you haven't seen yesterday's vlog on I went to the ultrasound this morning and we are two feet in time yeah but I am so struggling I want to be so excited I was so excited like this last week I'm like okay we're gonna do this baby come on baby my doctors supposed to call back tonight give me results and then come up with a game plan the film just gave me a prescription I feel like I just want to cry but I don't want to let it out he's like you should let it out I think it's so important that you can hold this so you can see all that's yeah I think it is so important friends that agreed well and for us our grieving is a lot different when we aren't the beginning stages of infertility like our grieving was there's not a kid in the house and we just desperately want a kid and that was way worse well anyway where's however this is similar in the fact that like we feel like our family's not done growing and we want to grow our family and we're committed to that we still have three embryos and we're going to use them and this is just sometimes what it takes to build a family and it is a stressful yes however what I was good right what I want you to know how it's like breathing well doesn't just mean saying okay girls I'm so thankful for like you're the best at that I'm so thankful for literally the best and I you know don't take this the wrong way but like we want to build their family might not be an apologetic I mean like grieving in the sense of Alex like you want to carry a child in your stomach like you you desire that but that's not the end goal I want to sure I totally want to but I'm like adoption is hard – anytime someone says oh just adopt I'm like obviously you've never done it because it's not everything there's so much time fertility treatments there's so much to adoption and that's why I'm so thankful so many of you on this journey with us because you have learned so much okay happy what you want oh we're so thankful for our girls so yes that's true BAM and it's also a it is also for us and for many of you and with anybody that you know going through infertility like there's this intrinsic I love them more if they're like can you get smaller again Kelly can you get tiny again no because you were screamer thank you but there is this intrinsic struggle and ability to say like I naturally should be able to procreate and for some one in eight couples right now in the United States alone are struggling with infertility that is eight guys like between ten to fifteen million couples right now in the United States are struggling to have a baby like this is crazy – something that seems so natural for us is so unnatural and so we called our pastor this morning and said um I need counseling and they are amazing and they've been through your loss and a lot of stuff so I feel like having counselors that also have like understood your journey is even more amazing so I have been good for so long but I am ready to just like debrief and talk about it because I don't want to feel this way I don't want to feel PTSD going into the doctor's office like of like I I was explaining in yesterday's vlog of like it's like creepy crawly feeling under my skin of like I just don't to be here like baby oh I don't want to be here I don't want to be here I hate this and I do I hate it right now and I don't want to hate it because I actually really enjoyed the IVF process as a nurse I'm like I love the medical she's touching you you don't have a phone no thank you hey goober hi I love you can you just cling to me every time you hear mommy cry just hug me but I just that anxiety of being at the at the office it's just there and it's real and I'm gonna just not ignore it yeah I'm a little sad no I am sad no okay just said no party over here party over there oh yeah that's the weird thing is that you can be so happy one moment so sad another and then it's like inside it's like this grief inside of like oh it's like I kinda would explain it was like an anxiety feeling of just like grief can be correlated to waves in the ocean you don't know when it's coming there might be a pattern to it and there might not some are bigger than others some come crashing down on you and then some come just like in the night that are just mellow and they just happen and that's just a normal part of life just like waves are to the ocean grief is to life and you have to grieve well and let that wave crash so that you can continue paddling out into the ocean Alex I love you I'm gonna listen today I'm gonna love you and you need to grieve and grieve well and it's okay to it is okay for this amazing magnificent precious god-fearing woman to grieve the loss of her miscarriage it is okay for her to grieve the loss of the periods that she's been through in the years and years of infertility it is okay for her to grieve even when we still have blessings just because you have blessings in your life doesn't negate the fact that you should still be able to grieve other losses because you will always have losses you will always have successes you will always have triumphs to explain you shouldn't have to explain what we do because so many common new every single day and we don't want them to here and out of context video so that is why in every video we say we're breathing we're struggling but we are so grateful for these girls but we really do believe that that so many come maybe to this video or the next video or the next video for the very first time and then we don't want them to feel like we're not grateful because we are the most grateful people on earth but we still have a huge deep desire to continue to have children and if it's biological great if it's adoption great we just want to build our family and multiply our love and you're gonna see Alex today go to the beach with your friends yet again and I'm gonna stay home and work if that's what I do and I love you and I'll see you guys soon and I will see you for the rest of the day take my lucky dance did you fight at the beach we took naps today and when I say we I mean me when they were sleeping I might not okay maybe it's just like me that's totally exhausted cuz you know I've been super emotional I think it's totally the beach because these two Oh sisters calling I'll be right back anyways I think we are all three next babies are you're exhausted the girls are like Barry do you know what happens when everyone's going to Trina I say can I have cereal for dinner and we go The Mummy is just waiting for cereal is favorite I was totally good all summer just in the last couple days coming back I was like super excited and then when I stepped foot in the office I'm like I don't want to be here I hate this I hate this like it's you know just the feeling of like it's not gonna work it's never worked all that kind of stuff yeah right right it's actually helpful to think about that way right we have three embryos left and I want to transfer one of the time because I want each one to work individually but I also want this transfer to work right yeah absolutely I still have bruises on me I'm my thighs from the heparin and it's not like an active bruise almost more like a scar bruise that makes sense okay okay so it's more of like just like a pigment scar versus anything I'll probably just have you look at it next time I'm in the office yeah I think I was just overwhelmed this morning of feeling like I mean I need my people to hug me and say you're back like I mean I was so glad I saw you that made we breathe a little right it was like yeah okay thank you I will see you next week I know a lot of people go to clinics that are well-oiled machines and feel like that's the route that they want to go and our clinic has really great amazing success rates and but you have to know no matter what clinic you go to it doesn't matter what the success rates are each individual is different and I'm different than the next person and so everyone's gonna be different I don't need them to hold my hand I'm very proactive and if I need an appointment or I need to get blood drawn like I don't need them to walk me through it step by step very carefully I need them to have a smile on their face and be excited for me and and root me on versus just the well-oiled machine that just you go through all the people so I got a name of a counselor that my doctor recommends and she's talked to me about her before and she sounds amazing so I think I'm gonna go to her a couple of times and I'm a little more excited now I feel like I can breathe now I just needed I needed that talk I need that reassurance and so I'm gonna go in and go and do the procedure that we need to do to get this IVF started come on Cali bring your water do you want to go straight to bed or do you want me to read you two stories okay then pick up your water let's go honey she's not coming she's gonna miss out on story time if she doesn't come hey you want two books there they're over here come pick them you find a story okay where did Callie's pants go yeah where is there yeah yeah we gonna do oh that's like dangerous hey let's move this out of the way okay okay what you think you're doing ah you're stuck yeah are you trying to climb out on glass you can't find out yes what do you think you're doing I know you're gonna fall down okay okay okay trying to clean up a smidge our pastor and his wife is coming over so I don't know how people get through hard things without having people to talk to well they're here my house looks clean that's the drink encouragement of the day you want to clean your house and bite people over people that you feel like oh I should pick up a little bit and all of a sudden palms clean I think this will be really good it'll be good to start talking I'm glad I'm in a pretty good state it's just I want to feel like I've dealt with everything I don't want to just suppress my feelings

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *