– You look fantastic.
– Thanks. – And you’re out of the house
and everything. – Oh, I’m so out of the house
right now. – You have so many children now. You have two children
so close together. – I got ’em wet after midnight.
– Yep. – They multiply, guys. – So how old is–
the first one is Lincoln? – And the first one–
Lincoln is 22 months, and Delta is seven weeks. [audience exclaims]
Whoa, yeah. – Whoa.
– She’s cute. And I’m so happy to be– this feels like a vacation,
coming here. It really does. Everyone here speaks
in full sentences, and no one’s asked me
to wipe their buns… – Not yet.
– Yet. So, yeah, I’m very happy
to be out of the house for a– – That’s amazing.
Seven weeks old? – Yeah.
– That’s–and sleeping? Is she sleeping? – She just–she’s–
slept quite a bit last night. She slept, I think,
eight hours last night in one stretch. I don’t think it’ll stick. But it was a–
it was a nice treat. – And Lincoln likes being
a big sister? – Loves. Loves, yeah. – Dax was here last month, and he told a story about
the birth of the child. Did you watch that?
– He’s very dramatic. – Yeah.
[laughter] – No, I know, you know–
well, it’s interesting, ’cause I wanted to tell you– [laughter] What the– – I don’t know what
we were doing. – Something awesome.
– I’m not sure. – He told you how traumatic
it was for him, but, to be honest,
my perspective was– as someone who has never
experimented with drugs, I really enjoyed it. It was kind of
a wonderful experience for me. While they were doing it,
I actually thought, like, “What else could we get done
down there while this”– – Wow. “Just–and maybe
lengthen the shins.” I’ve always wanted to be,
like, 5’7”. Just anything to keep
the epidural flowing, ’cause I felt so–
these modern hospitals, man. – They have–
– They treat you right. – So it was a C-section.
– Yes. – It was not planned.
– No. – It was something
that had to happen, so they gave you drugs
to prepare you for that. – They did,
and I felt really great. But the–
[chuckles] The interesting part
of the story is that a couple hours later– like, it wears
out of your system slowly, and about six or seven hours
later, I’m sitting in my hospital bed,
and I say to Dax, “Well, I think the epidural
has finally worn off.” And he looks over,
and I am scratching holes in my face like a meth addict. And I’m like, “I think
it might be time to re-up. “I don’t know.
I’m, um– ’cause it’s definitely
worn off.” And he said, “Are you–
are you sure? You think it’s worn off, hon?” And I said, “Yeah.” So the nurse comes in,
and obviously, she notices and offered
a little bit of Benadryl to help with the itching
and put me to sleep. Well, what a cocktail. [laughter] Because I started–
I had a lot to say– more than when I’m sober,
believe that or not. I started telling
all these stories, and later he tells me
I was taking 30-second pauses in between “and” and “the.” And I would just… go out. And I grabbed my phone,
and the light was like– do you know what looks really
good when you’re on that stuff? Handbags. [laughter] Or throw pillows or rugs. And I was just like, “Pew! Pew!
Internet shopping. Whoo!” Thank God I didn’t remember
my credit card number. [laughter]
So nothing bad happened. But Dax kept–I mean, it–
honestly, a picture of a throw pillow was
as mind-blowing as, like, seeing “The Matrix”
for the first time. That’s how I felt.
– Wow. – He said,
“Honey, do you think you should maybe
put down your phone?” And I’m like, “Yeah,
I’m just gonna have– just one more minute.” And he finally–
he seized the device, put it away,
and I’m happy to say I’m stone-cold sober today. – Good for you.
– Yeah. – Good.
[applause] I’m glad to hear
you didn’t get hooked on that–
all hopped up. – No, I didn’t. No.
– No. – [laughs] – So you have the two,
and now it seems like that– plus they’re so close together. That’s a lot of work. Are you gonna have more children
or no? – No. No, no. We don’t want to be outnumbered. [laughter] We don’t want to be outnumbered.
– Smart. – Until, I suppose,
I accidentally get pregnant, and my third child
watches this clip and realizes that
he was an accident. Sorry, honey. No, but–yeah. We’re gonna cap it at two.
– Yeah. And he must feel outnumbered, ’cause now he’s got all girls
in the house. – Girls to boys, yeah. He likes to say that he never thought he’d be
surrounded by so many women and not having
this much sex. [laughter] – He’s hilarious. He’s a good dad though, right? He’s got to be–
– He’s a wonderful dad. – Yeah.
– Oh, yeah.