Let's Talk : My Miscarriage | Kayla Dakotah



hey guys welcome to another video so I want to do something a little bit different on my channel and I'm super excited about it because you guys are gonna be able to see a different side of me you're gonna see like the Kayla that everybody else gets to see and I feel like that's fair I haven't been very open on my channel you just only see makeup tutorials and I feel like I should kind of show you guys Kayla I'm gonna be doing it starting a series on my channel called let's talk is I'm going to talk about specific topics and give my advice or my opinion or you know maybe talk to you guys about things that I have been through so I can help somebody so I can help you that clicked on this video so to even make it a little bit more fun and not just me just sitting here talking to be doing my makeup while I talk about the specific topic that was chosen for the video I hope that you guys enjoyed this video if you're new here and this is your very first time clicking on this video it's your girl Kayla thank you for stopping by thank you for checking out this video thank you for clicking on this video and I hope that you will subscribe before you leave enjoy my little fail and let's get started I was never really a depressed kid when I was younger playing outside all the time jumped on the trampoline but when I turned I think about was in my 20s my early 20s yeah I went through a traumatic experience multiple traumatic experiences but this one was one that really gave me major major depression and it is something that completely changed my entire life like this is something that I never thought what happened to me something that happens to other people not me this would never ever ever happened to me that's that's literally what I thought when that happened I was in a 5-year relationship during that five year period I got pregnant that was one of the most exciting things in my entire life god I'm gonna be a mom this is gonna be great like I was like super super shocked when I found out that I was pregnant but I was like just mind blown I was like okay I did everything that I was supposed to do I took the prenatal vitamins I probably could a little bit I did everything like I even googled like what's the best position to sleep in and then what should I do with this and what should I do with that everything was going great like I was showing you know it's the first time I've ever been pregnant in my entire life and I was showing very very very very quickly went to my very first doctor's appointment I was at the part where you know it was like at the time whatever many weeks it is that you can like listen to the heartbeat and stuff like that they have the place I went to didn't have like the actual like ultrasound stuff they just had like the little monitor I'd like to maybe heart monitor that you could put like on the stomach she could never find a heartbeat so oh my god like that's so much market talk corner like this we were trying to find a heartbeat and we couldn't not as far along as we thought you were so like okay like your next stop just warm up we'll try again I went the next Hux appointment and of course like I think like a couple weeks went by and we still couldn't find a heartbeat Oh an actual like hospital type that most people go to you know like I went to like the doctor that was like right up the road from my house they're really really good I still go there they're amazing so I went to an actual like hospital that has like the doctors offices inside of the hospital and they had to do a can I didn't say vaginal ultrasounds so they did one you know you know and if they did like the tummy ultrasound leaving their like she did it I snuck and I like looked up while she wasn't in there to see like you know the actual like monitor that showed the ultrasound and it was like oh my god like you can see like a little baby in there that's crazy but they couldn't tell me what was said on the screen I had to wait for my doctor to call me so I'm like leaving all nervous because I'm like okay I'm pregnant but we can't find a heartbeat and they can't tell me anything for some odd reason they weren't telling me anything we they found the heartbeat everything's fine which was a huge relief because I'm like okay like you kind of don't want to think negative you want to sit there and think anything bad could have happened this went out upset because they didn't tell me anything but I kind of tried to stay as positive as I could time went by and it was to the point where I had to meet up with another doctor I saw ever seen two doctors at the time the doctor at my in my local town and then the doctor that could do like that had the monitor that was actually going to be my delivery doctor first time meeting him and I went to my appointment and my boyfriend at the time went to this appointment with me because it was the appointment where I was going to find out what I was having so it was gonna be one of those like I didn't want to know if we were gonna do like a gender-reveal party so none of us was gonna know what I was gonna be having until you know it was not I was filled out all the paperwork at the doctor's office the new one that had the ultra but I was doing the actual ultrasound phone it wasn't having so my ex-boyfriend who was my boyfriend at the time this was his first appointment that he ever went to with me because the other ones I felt like were so serious that he needed to go to because it was like let's check a heartbeat I mean I think honestly the two most important appointments for your significant other to be out with you is like the gender-reveal part where you go to the doctor and you know all that stuff happens and obviously when you're getting birth I think that's the two most important places for your significant other to be with us and we were in there she was doing her thing she put like the lube on my stomach I feel weird saying that lube thank and she started doing her thing right so for me it didn't really hit me at the fact that something could have possibly been wrong because she was quiet so I was like okay maybe this is normal maybe they're all quiet because you know you're trying to listen to see if you hear things heartbeats and things like that so I was like okay well maybe like the awkward silence is normal I don't know this is my first experience I don't know what I'm supposed to expect sorry guys all my makeup is behind me just have to keep getting up and like we're having separate going back so she kept like she's still doing everything and then she asked me she's like are you sure that your due date it's the correct due date no I was like yes I was like I know everything I am on top of it all like I know I know and she's like well and I'm sitting here thinking okay well and she was like do you see these squares that are lighting up I was like yes ma'am she's like nothing is happening and then like this is your baby's heart and there's nothing like there's there's there's nothing like his organs and all of this and and there's there's nothing and she's like I'll be right back she's like before you know I'm gonna go get another nurse and blah blah blah and so I'm sitting in the room again I'm not a negative person it don't like to think negative so I'm just sitting there like okay like I don't want to think anything's bad because she didn't really make it seem too too bad at that time so I just was sitting there on the bed like I'm kind of thinking it in the back of my mind but I'm not fully I'm not fully accepting it yet that this possibly could be what I think it might be I want to say I was sitting in the office room like in the little room I was in for maybe about 10 10 15 minutes or it could've been five but it's all like forever hmm with another nurse and she comes to me and she's like so we have two options she's like we can either do a D&C which I do not recommend because for your age I want to say I was 22 years old I was 22 years old and your second option kind of I want to say like it's pretty much inducing me to have a baby that is not ready to be born yet wait for me to get closure for me to do the whole thing to make it seem like that I went through the whole thing I got the IV you know to make it seem like I'm actually giving birth to my child and it hit me like I just miscarried my child this is actually happening right now like I was just like what like this something that you would never think what happened to you you tell yourself that would never happen to me I would now I bet something I would never go through and then you go through it and you're like you hear you like you you say I don't even remember if they say miscarried I really remember what word or term that they used but it was one of those like this is for real like this is actually happening as well the next day is when I went in to get my whole procedure done I woke up super early well I think it was like five or six o'clock in the morning my mom couldn't see so I had to drive us to the hospital could have to be strong like I have to I have to be okay because I've always been that person where I'm like no matter what even if I'm not okay I'm okay so I get like the IV hooked up to me and the next step that what they had to do was induce me so worst thing ever especially when you're not even anywhere close to giving birth because your cervix is not anywhere near where it should be what they have to do to induce you is they take like two pills and they put it on their fingers and they have to insert it in you and put it in your cervix or on your subject so it dissolves so the whole the cervix can open so that way your baby can come out through that every four hours I think we did that three times remember I'm laying in bed I remember my mom was there my dad was there and that made me feel safe not really mentioning my ex at the moment because he was there but um he wasn't really there he slept the whole time and the perception I got from him was it just seemed like he didn't care I'm pretty sure he did and I know that people grieve in different ways but for me personally it just felt like he didn't care and that he wasn't it didn't really matter to him because in his mind oh my baby's dead it is what it is that's that's what I got from him but that might not even be how it was but when up me my mom my dad we all of us were all in the room and instead of him talking and being like hey how are you do you need anything are you okay like I'm here for you like I'm the one sitting in this bed with an IV in me and I'm over here trying not to cry and I'm trying to like be strong and hold on and and and and just be Kayla and you're sleeping what you know what I mean I had to go to the bathroom my guide to pee and I'd get up and like I feel this crazy cramp I was like oh you'd like I haven't had a cramp that bad since I was like young like when I first you know hit puberty and in my very first period I ever had in my entire life that is what the cramp felt like that's what that cramp felt like it hurt so bad I mean so bad was crying standing up and I was like oh my god I have to go to the bathroom and I look down guys I look down blood just dripping down my legs just like gushing it's going down my legs on to my ankles and then I feel gross because I'm like oh my god what is happening but I hit the collar nurse button and I just I clearly remember just saying um so I'm bleeding and like just nonchalant like I'm I feel like I'm just into such a nonchalant person just like I'm so laid-back and chill that I'm not like I'm I'm like so I'm bleeding what do I do that means that it's time like the time is approaching to have my baby so after I use the bathroom the cramping intensifies like I it feels like someone is stabbing me you know in my woman area with a freaking knife and it feels like someone's just just twisting not in my stomach like worst cramps I ever had in my life she's like she gave me some medicine I don't know what it was but that was some good medicine I was like she's like you're gonna have to lay down for this because it's gonna hit you and you were gonna be out and it hit me and your girl was out I think I slept for about two hours the doctor came in and woke me up out of a very good nap a well-deserved nap that I needed and he was like let's check and he checked and it was time first time ever that I had my water broke and he pulled out some weird-looking device and it looked like a needle to me and I was freaking out but it was plastic and it had like a little hooky thing on it and that's how my water karo remember sitting there and feeling like I peed all over myself and it happened boom so quick my baby just came alone out I don't really know what the lady's called but it's like the lady I think it's for women that do miscarry kind of handled the baby and wrapped the baby up and went and took pictures did like a memory box so I don't know if this is every hospital that does this but my hospital made me a memory box and when I was pregnant I was like I'm a boy I don't want girls I want a boy I want a baby boy and I got I got a boy I was so excited that that made everything a little bit more a little better for me so that I had a son I had a little boy I was so excited when I saw him for the first time he was he wasn't far enough along to have like bone what we have he was definitely skin and through the skin you could see his veins you could see his whole shape you could see he had my arms and my legs and his face shape his nose his jaw line his chin everything was literally just like his father my son had trisomy 13 I was lucky enough to find out what my son had that potentially killed him I am very lucky to find this out because a lot of people don't get to find out what really happened to their baby once it passed away during a miscarriage so my son ended up having trisomy 13 and that means that it's a condition in which a person has an extra 13th chromosome so chromosome 13 instead of having two chromosomes they had an extra one three years ago I could not tell you why that happened to me but I can tell you why that happened to me now I now know why I lost my baby God knew that five months later I was gonna lose my house in a flood and I wasn't gonna have a house I was gonna have a home I wasn't gonna have anything that I needed to take care of that baby there is nothing anyone can say to you to make that better and you know that so when people would be like I don't know what to say and I'm like I know I don't know what to say either like I would never get mad at somebody that couldn't you can't fake something you can't you can't fix a loss of a child whether my child was in my womb or whether my child was outside of my womb there's nothing anyone can say to make that better or not alone you didn't do anything wrong and it's okay it is okay to every now and then get down and to feel down and to feel all the emotions rushing back that you pushed into the back of your mind because it's trying to like come forward it's okay to cry it's okay to feel a heaviness over the situation any October 7 every October 7 since that since this has happened I tried to preoccupy my mind so I'm not fully thinking about it but it's still in the back of my mind I still am sad because it every year you know this October it'll be four years since this happened to me and I sit there and think what would I be doing right now with a four year old like what would my life be like if I had a four year old son running around but no I would just assume he would probably be in t-ball or playing football or a sports like I don't ride it I could not tell you what I would be doing right now if I had a four-year-old son I know that eventually one day I will have another baby and I hope that it's a healthy pregnancy and I hope that everything goes well but I know that if I ever get pregnant again I'm gonna be scared I am going to be a nervous wreck thinking is this gonna happen to me again like I am NOT gonna sit here and tell you that it gets easier I mean eventually it gets easier but it's not something that you can just be like it never happened because it did it's always gonna be with you it's always gonna be in the back of your mind but you just have to take it day by day and really just stay positive and just remember that they're in heaven they're little angels they're always with you and they're never that far away I feel like everybody grieves differently everybody comes differently so my way of coping might not be how you were coping I sleep that is how I cope with anything I am a silly poor I will sleep and sleep and sleep and Laney helps me cope and deal with stress and anxiety and my depression and my overwhelmingness that helps me I hope that this video helped you in any way possible I hope that you know that if this did happen to you that you are not alone that I went through that I had a miscarriage and I have never felt stronger from going through something so traumatic at such a young age and um I just want you to know that I am here for you and if you need to talk write in the comments down below or follow me on any of my social media Instagram Twitter snapchat I'm a here for you like I know what you're going through I have been there and I if you need to talk I'm here I am here for you so I hope that you guys learn something or that I help someone out there and I will see you guys in my next video

2 Replies to “Let's Talk : My Miscarriage | Kayla Dakotah”

  1. You’re beautiful! To be so vulnerable and share this is not easy. Your story will touch so many Kayla! Praying for you!

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