Life After Baby| My Postpartum Story

Hey everybody, I just wanted to talk a little bit about what it’s been like ever since my son was born back in October and I just kind of give you a little bit of a glimpse into everything that’s happened since then He is almost four months old and these past four months have actually been quite Interesting. They’ve been hard they’ve been Exhausting but they’ve been the most exhilarating And wondrous months of my life Harrison was born October 27th, and I went into the hospital that day with You know, no intentions of what I wanted my birth plan to be like I just wanted to come home with a healthy, baby And I did get my healthy, baby but I ended up getting more Than just a healthy baby. I developed postpartum depression and anxiety from his birth and I want to say the start of that had to do with Actually what happened during his birth. I had to have an emergency c-section which resulted from him Having low heart tones due to the fact that the cord was wrapped around his neck We didn’t know that the cord was wrapped around his neck until after he was born. So when I got into the hospital And the doctor came in and broke my water. She had stated that there was meconium in there So Harrison was stressed out while I was having contractions and the reason why is because he was Sunny-side up and the quarters wrapped around his neck so every time I had a contraction it was just putting more and more stress on him and we didn’t know it at the time so they tried to Do a bunch of things like moving me to my sides Putting me on my hands and knees trying to figure out a way to get his heart rate to stabilize and it eventually they got it stabilized, but prior to that they started to prep me for a c-section and once they Got him stabilized then they stopped the doctor said that she just wants to watch And see what happens in the next couple hours see if I progress or anything like that And so it was about five hours later. Unfortunately, I wasn’t progressed any more than what I had been when the doctor came in and broke my water and during that time when they checked me his heart rate dropped again, so they decided to take me back for it c-section and I Honestly, I feel like I was traumatized by that because It was my first baby. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared I was scared for my baby. I was scared for me And You know, I was just hoping that things would be be Okay, and of course, they turned out fine, but you know, it was still a scary experience I’ve Grown up with pressure and anxiety. So that’s something that I’ve had my entire life and I think with the stress and The stress and exhaustion from being in labor having a newborn baby going through a c-section ended up pushing me into my postpartum depression and It was a hard experience to go through because it’s something that I’ve never had before My depression never got is Bad is what it’s been these past couple months You know, I’ve had my my ups and downs But never anything as bad as it has been since I had a c-section I had to go into My doctor’s a week after being discharged from the hospital to you know have myself checked out have my incision checked out and that’s when I I Guess I really started noticing that something was off. I get into the doctor’s office and they asked me right as soon as they walk in if I have been having any baby blues and Of course I just burst into tears and I start sobbing and Curtis was there with me so he’s you know trying to console me and while they’re asking me all sorts of questions and you know, they’re asking questions such as You know, have you felt down within the past couple days as you’re eating? changed are you sleeping things like that and of Course, you know, I’m not sleeping because we have a brand new baby at home. So You know, I’m exhausted from that and I’m exhausted from you know, being in labor and and not having any sleep in the hospital So I’m tired all the time and then they asked me if I was having any bad thoughts about myself about the baby honestly, I was I Was very unhappy with how everything was going at the time. I didn’t know But only because I had a week old baby who all she did was scream and cry and I Didn’t know why you know he was Crying after every meal he would cry any time He wasn’t eating he would he just cried all the time, and I thought I was thinking to myself Yeah, why would a week old baby have colic? I’ve always heard that it’s not until they get a little bit older that they actually have colleagues symptoms and so I didn’t know what was going on and I was very frustrated very Irritable and angry because of that, you know, I wasn’t able to soothe my baby I wasn’t able to comfort him because all he did was cry, and I didn’t know how to comfort him I didn’t know how to soothe him. I would sit there and I would just walk and walk and shush him and lightly bounce him and Rock him give him his pacifier and he would just cry some more and I didn’t know what to do so my doctor ended up increasing my antidepressant amount a little bit higher than what I was currently at and For a couple days. I felt a little bit better and then I would say it was probably about three four days after that. I Started to not feel as good again at the time I probably didn’t realize that I had been on that medication for so long that it most likely was not working like it should have Essentially, my body was immune to it just kept feeling worse and worse and I ended up feeling more guilt And more hatred for myself. I thought I was the worst mother because I couldn’t comfort my baby And then I felt guilty for thinking that But then I would tell myself You know Why I feel guilty because you can’t comfort your baby. You must be doing something wrong and So these intrusive thoughts just kept coming in and out of my mind making it harder and harder to calm down and relax and It just made it really hard to actually want to Do anything my desire to eat had suffered so much That by the time I had hit my sixth week postpartum appointment. I had lost all of my baby weight. I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight by that time period because I didn’t meet I think the fact that I was pregnant for so long and especially during the third trimester as your belly grows and The baby gets bigger. There’s less and less room for your stomach And so when I would eat I wouldn’t be able to eat very much because there wasn’t enough room. So I Got used to eating very little quantities. It compounded my inability to want to eat because I wasn’t hungry enough to eat and so that also played a factor in my depression and still does because You know, I don’t eat like I should I don’t drink water like I should and I know it affects my mood But when you’re not happy you know, the desire to eat is very low and so It just makes it harder to actually want to do something that you know is good for you by time My baby was four weeks old I had gone into the doctors again because they wanted me to keep coming in and racelle often to be Checked up on because of my depression So my doctor has a nurse practitioner that works underneath her and I went and saw her I had saw her the week prior as well and My symptoms were just getting weren’t getting any better and so I had gone into my appointment and She had the psychologist in the OBGYNs office come in and talked to me because she was saying that with What’s going on? We feel like we need to do something medication wise but what we can do here is not adequate enough for you and That I would need to be seen by somebody who could actually work with me on Getting the right medication set up so the psychologist came in and talked to me for a little bit and her and the nurse practitioner decided that it would be a good idea for me to go up to the hospital and Go to the Behavioral Health Center and get some help essentially What that is is it’s a part of the emergency room department specifically set up for mental health and You are assessed to see what the severity of your symptoms are like it’s depending on that the type of treatment is then decided whether it’s just you know meeting with the psychiatrist to determine if medication is an order or If admission into the hospital is something that needed to be done. So I went up there and I was very very afraid of What was going to happen? I was scared that I would get my baby taken away from me because I Didn’t want to be labeled as an unfit mother Even though I myself felt like I was unfit I didn’t want other I didn’t want somebody else to tell me that I was unfit. And so when I was at my doctor’s appointment My husband was at work and the nurse practitioner and I’m speaking with my husband over the phone telling him what was going to happen so I ended up driving home meeting my husband at home and we went up to the hospital and I checked myself in he Went back home with the baby To wait while I was there because they said that it I most likely would be there for a couple hours He took Harrison home and waited for me to give him a call while I was there, I Ended up speaking with the psychiatrist and They determined that I didn’t need to be admitted. All I need was just a medication adjustment and since I wasn’t able to Get in to see anybody within a short amount of time They just decided to give me the medication and then also set me up with some therapy Appointments at a local behavioral office. I Ended up going home that day. So I started the new medication and I Was a slow go at first. I still had a really hard time with everything I was very hard on myself and Anytime anything Happened that you know was out of my control or anytime anything went wrong. I would just beat myself up and Take myself down and no matter, you know, no matter what even if it was just something as simple as Spilling spilling water on the floor, I would Tell myself how horrible of a person I must be and that I shouldn’t even be around so those thoughts were really horrible to experience because at the time you Know I’m waiting for the this medication to start working And then I’m waiting to be able to get in to see the therapist than I needed to see and or nothing was working as fast as I hoped it would with the therapist that Didn’t end up working out because during the month of December I had only seen that therapist one time I Had four appointments set up with her and all all that one of them were cancelled And so I decided that I would hold out and wait to go in to see the original Psychologist psychologist that I had seen in my OBGYNs office and go speak with her, but unfortunately my appointment was set up and it was six weeks out So I had to wait the entire month of December before I can go in and see her Which made it really hard because I was still having these bad thoughts but I pushed through it and eventually, I was able to get in to see the psychologist that I had initially saw and Currently, I’m still working with her on Getting myself better making myself better. I’m still on medications. I Have been working with another provider on Putting myself off of my off of the medication that I had been on for a couple years and moving myself to something new I eventually I do hope that I can start feeling better about Everything in general. It’s just a work in progress, and I hope that eventually There is a light at the end of the tunnel. So I do I do feel better about myself now that I have had time to let all the medications work and As time has gone by as my baby has gotten older things aren’t as hard anymore when I was home with my baby and feeling all sorts of horrible Horrible things and thinking all sorts of horrible thoughts. One thing that did constantly go through my mind was how Hard it’s been to bond with him because I Don’t think I did until he was about two months old And so with that it makes it hard because you have this little little human that relies on you So much that can’t really interact with You or with their surroundings? they’re 100% entirely dependent on you and it just runs you runs you dry runs you ragged and With being so exhausted. I felt resentment towards him because I Had wanted a baby so much but he was unable to reciprocate with anything it made it hard to bond with him because I just had this little human in my arms and I could barely Figure out how to take care of him. Let alone get enough time to learn how to love him. It’s hard to explain Because even though I know what it feels like to have the have a hard time bonding with him because I just felt so down that it’s hard to explain how I Didn’t have a connection with him How I didn’t have that Joy, and endless love for him right as soon as he was born. I Looked at him wondering what what do I do? What is this little blob that’s in my arms it took took me two and a half months before I actually Started to think and actually tell him that I loved him because I guess I was still trying to figure out if I did and how to love him even Though at the time I knew for a fact that if anything were to happen to him I don’t know what I would have done. I definitely would have gone into mama bear mode. I Find myself staring out the window a lot unable to think about anything Because I don’t know what to think of I Don’t know how to talk. I don’t know how to Put my feelings into words Other than I’m tired angry Hopeless Exhausted frustrated Alone lonely, but yet happy to be a mom Even though there are times. I don’t feel like I’m a good mom. I feel guilty because I can’t be there or because I got angry or I got frustrated and I put the baby down and walked away But in the end I just have to tell myself you’re doing what you can do and What you’re doing is the best thing that you can do So just remember that You’re not alone. I Reached out and I found it. There’s a lot of other moms that I know Who have suffered with? postpartum depression So reach out talk don’t hold it in Love yourself You’ll find the way don’t come out of the darkness

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