as this probably video that I've been needed to do I've just been I'm in an hour and about it because I just thought is it worth doing it is not and personally I think it is worth doing it and I'm it's quite hot hard winter and wrong but it's one that needs to be spoken about and needs to be processed more and spoke it about more than everything and it's that dreaded word that everyone everyone never dreamed of in it some spot miscarriage and I've gone through one personally and I'm living like it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through and still two years on I mean I'm not over and I don't think you you you ever get over I think you just learn to cope with the maybes and I'll go back to the beginning of I wasn't feeling great I thought I had the flu like I was that unwell and I ended up bringing my doctor who said yeah she's got the flu like just leave her in bed and stuff and I remember was a Wednesday night and I was like do you know what I'd show pregnancy test I hadn't had a period about four months so I was like you know what just to see I've done I was poor ha and they were all negative I was like let's just do it literally did it as a joke and I put it face down on the toilet floor so I couldn't see what the results were and I remember sitting on my floor and turning it over and seeing two lines and I felt like everything had come together but everything was falling apart at the same time the first thing I did was tell my best friend I was just like it's come back two lines and I'm pregnant and I couldn't believe it and I then just fell into tears I was sat on my bed in tears I didn't know how to tell my mum I just I forced her to frame me I why I told her and everyone was really supportive and I then start to get a little bit excited and I went to the doctor's next day and said that I was pregnant and he was like well we'll put you in for a blood test and a few days went by and I decided to do another test but I did the clear blue ones which tells you how many weeks you are I thought I'd only be about four weeks because tests were coming up negative and I did this pregnancy test and it came up pregnant and it said free plus Wishman I was more than six weeks pregnant and I was just over the moon I was further along then I fought and then I had the blood test and I started writing this journal and I just started writing everything that happened day after day what cravings I had everything annum the Midwife came to see me and she looked at my brother results and it was like 36,000 and she said I was about 12 weeks pregnant over the moon I was ecstatic everything was just falling into place I wasn't in the best relationship but I was getting the support I needed and I had like everyone in my life and everything just felt perfect and one day I went to work and I went into the toilet and there was a little bit of blood so I panicked and went to A&E where I continued to bleed but on and off they did a blood test and everything and they said we can't confirm anything until the day after when I can have an ultrasound the next day I went back for the altars hunt they did one over the top of my stomach and when I saw no baby I instantly knew something wasn't right because at 12 weeks you've got a baby inside you you know there's a full-grown baby so they did an internal scan and I saw my little Bubba and it we were just patiently waiting and I just looked at the midwives face and her face just dropped and she said I need to go get someone else so she did I was then told that I was six weeks borderline seven but there was no heartbeat and I felt like everything I just crumbled nothing felt real nothing felt I didn't know what was wrong with me I they told me that it might not be a miscarriage that they just might not be able to find a heartbeat but I should prepare for what could happen and I remember being placed in this room with my mum and my dad and given these sheets of paper about miscarriage and I just fell into tears I just I didn't want it to be me I didn't want it to be real anyway I went to my now ex-partners for the weekend and that weekend I gave birth and I know people just go it's a heavy period it's not a heavy period it's so much worse and that the pain was unbearable I was I was screaming in pain on the sad day and I went to the toilet I felt myself lose lose a cloth and the pain stopped and then it came back again and it was I was every two to three minutes I was getting these severe contraction pains to the point that I actually phone 999 for an ambulance because the pain was really really severe and I couldn't control what was happening and Pamela came and I remember being a little my ex is bad my legs in the air give him birth too much help but not my whole child my child in pieces in two or three plots and it sounds disgusting because there is just so much blood I thought I've lost more blood than I thought and I remember looking to the paramedic and I said to him I missed Parian he just looked at me and went yes I'm really sorry but it looks like you're miscarry him I remember looking over to my partner it just his I don't want to go our bed for days weeks I didn't know what to do myself I didn't know where to go who week we're buying I had to go back and I had to get back and have another ultrasound maybe showed up at the hospital nobody I was down on my own and they put you in this room in the waiting room full of people that are pregnant really pregnant no in the eve just lost yours and I sat down in this fucking ultrasound room she didn't know stomachs and and there was no sack and she's doing it to Edel's dad as well and she did an internal scan that was nothing just my empty stomach yet seven days prior there was a little seven point seven sent me a baby in there my best friend came up to see me and I just fell into tears I mean this baby we're in seven days lose of it and it's not just losing a fetus is not just oh it was it was nothing you know it was maybe lose a baby four weeks six weeks eight weeks 12 weeks whatever babies to the baby my baby had a heartbeat so don't just tell me it's just a head heavy period don't just say to me it was just a fetus it was nothing everything to me it doesn't just get really a baby it doesn't just get ready pregnancy is not just a period of my fucking child then you have to give birth to it and it's not normal period is the most painful thing and I remember somebody saying to me well at least you know what labor feels like yeah but at the end of your labor you have a healthy happy baby what do I have plots and still two years on I get like this when I talk about it because it doesn't get better some days II just kept like this and you look at this can't picture which is behind me and you get into bed some nights and you hold your stomach wish you were back wishing your going through whatever you did that day thinking if you did something different your child still be here I've been to so many doctors and counseling sessions and everyone has told me it's not my fault but you don't you don't feel that way you feel that baby was inside you you should have looked after it that's how you feel Mother's Day fucking your child's birthday I knew the day that my child was due my child was jus that ate for Junie and now I would have had you know a one-year-old right now and I constantly think of that I constantly think on my child would have been 13 months today you know and I'm not ashamed to talk about it I I miscarried yes I did I'm not ashamed to say that that I have because I have it's just one in four people will miss Harry so put yourself in a room with four other people between you for one of your miscarry once in your life now that's not a big number you narrow it down if you're sat in a room with five girls take one out of the equation and then one of you including yourself is going to miscarry and people go you'll have another baby soon you don't want another baby look that baby back because that was your baby and you want it back I know this video is totally heartbreaking but I want to show people that it is normal to miss Harriers normally it's more normal to miscarry than it is to not miscarry never be ashamed to talk about it with your friends in your family I still talk about it to my friends and my family in my current partner now I cry on him some days because some days it's just harder than others I used to wake up in the morning and I'd be like oh my god I'm still pregnant and you're not and I look through pictures and even though I was six weeks I had a bump you'll never forget the ones that that you that you didn't get ever and it it's fucking heartbreaking because you just you want that baby you wish you could have been a better parent but honestly you couldn't have been a better parent you were the best parent for that child whether you drank smoked did drugs whatever before your baby miscarries its knows it's gonna miscarry your chromosomes don't match up it's nothing to do with what you do all this stress and all that bullshit it's nothing your chromosomes just don't match up and that's just the way life is and I'm proud of my Baba and I know that my brother was proud of me but I just want girls to know whether your age sixteen sixty six whatever it still hurts but you are not alone and there are so many people that go through the same as you and just open up and talk to somebody you'd be surprised how many people go through the same as you and most people don't be like or whatever to get over it a lot of people are synthetic for you but don't get angry that people don't understand because because they don't people will say the wrong thing to you but don't get angry just explain that but for those women ladies girls that I've lost their kid they're up there and then watching over you and they love you so much and they couldn't have asked for a bad mommy but it's tasty on guys

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