Miscarriage in early pregnancy | Finally opening up about our miscarriage | ZOE YOUNG MUMMY

read it boy he's a courageous boy of mine hi you love you till I hope you always love yourself because you're beautiful inside and out so I was going to film this video we're that Blake yeah but it is proving very difficult but I wanted to put in some footage because you guys haven't seen him in forever unless you follow me on Instagram and you see him every minute of every day but he's here his big sister is out with my mum because I've been working today and I'm gonna take an hour out of my day to film and edit this video because it is a video that I have wanted to film for the longest time but I haven't felt ready I guess um yeah I'll go into that once I sit down and film get changed get him into bed but I just wanted to put this little bit of footage in a backpack and a shoe just so you can see Blake and I need to do something with Heidi which I think are doing upcoming videos but I'll leave you for now and I'll see you guys when I'm changed and ready to film do just say bye doo doo doo doo doo doo say bye say bye guys save eight-month-old now watching that footage back I also just really as you can tell I've been to the dentist I don't know if you can tell yeah you can tell they tell so I decided my face is fully numb and I can't really move it all right I see you in the media everyone and welcome back to my channel I'm not too sure if my numbness has it's not fully gone so I'm not sure of my face looks weird right now I'm like constantly looking in the monitor I'm pretty sure no I'm pretty sure it's still there because it's still like numb but anyway we're gonna film it because my cubes gone to bed and the other kids with the grandma sore I can actually film and chat to you guys so you would have seen a beautiful little blankie who is now eight months old he is just the happiest sweetest cutest caring lovely perfect little dude that could ever of roam this world from this world Rosen's planet I've never known anything pretty much I'm obsessed with him he's eight months old and then I have my beautiful Heidi ray who is three years old she's with her grandma today and she's just full of beans full of life has me laughing at every moment of every day and she's just the best I have the two best babies in the world totally not by his being a mom or anything but if you are new here be sure to either subscribe button down below it really helps our channel to grow share it with whoever you think might be interested in this and let's dive in it's going to be a bit of a deep video so if you're not into deepness or all things to do with loss and miscarriage then click out now you want so I do have to start by saying that the dates and all of the timeline might be a little bit off with this because it was a really long time ago I didn't write anything down I didn't document anything because I was just literally going through the motions and it hit me a lot harder than I thought it would and I really haven't been able to speak about it on camera I do talk about it in my everyday life to certain people but I haven't really ever addressed that much on camera or talked about it at length to most people in my actual life but Toby and I did have a miscarriage back and I'm pretty sure we started miscarrying in August 2000 and 17 is when it all started to happen and pretty sure just before my birthday so I'm gonna go back to how we found out we were pregnant if we were trying and just pretty much the whole thing how it all happened and then I don't jump into like the emotional side of things and how it's affected me today I guess so let's go back to the very beginning I was breastfeeding Heidi quite a lot we stopped breastfeeding around 16 ish months and after that Toby and I had said let's start to try for a baby so I didn't have my period I didn't have any signs of like fertility ovulation before all this started happening but after I stopped breastfeeding I could tell my body was gearing up to of you late to get back into just the swing of having a cycle which I hadn't had because I was breastfeeding I do have thyroid disease as a couple of other factors that go into it but pretty much it was down to breastfeeding so my body started to gear up we stopped protecting I guess which isn't really protecting it's just the good old gross pullout method yes mm-hmm but we stopped doing that and we fell pregnant I hadn't even had a period since Heidi and I fell pregnant um which blew our mind I didn't know how far along I was when I tested the lines were pretty pretty there on the test when I did it so I didn't know if it was early or if it was however long I didn't know how to be honest with you I had the weirdest feeling I don't know how to describe it when I found out I was pregnant I remember saying yet like those two lines on the test but I don't feel pregnant it doesn't feel right I don't feel like this is it I didn't ever really communicate that with anyone other than Toby I did tell my family I was pregnant but I didn't really tell them that I was feeling like it wasn't gonna be viable of that make sense in my gut I just had the grossest feeling that something wasn't right so I booked in with my doctor and I went her bloodwork and even sitting having that bloodwork I remember the feeling so well I was so like I shouldn't be here I'm not pregnant like that's what I was going through the motions in my head and that sounds so negative and it's so not like me but it's almost like my gut was telling me that something wasn't right forgot supply work done and my levels were only at 29 which is so low like so low so I got a call from my doctor and they said look you know you could be really early on we don't know let's retest in three days but if these pregnancy isn't viable we'll need to look at other alternatives even just hearing them say if it's not viable I just knew like I seriously I just knew something wasn't right so three days later we tested and the levels had tripled and they were like yep looks like a viable pregnancy I think we're all good to go sorry I keep looking over here because I'm worried I'm blurry and also worried like the numbness of my face is dropping lopsidedness so sorry if that's happening um but anyway so yeah the levels tripled and we were looking good but still I just I didn't feel right if that makes sense so a few weeks went on I think it was about three weeks so we thought we were about eight weeks pregnant or seven weeks pregnant and we went in for our early scan and I still felt weird I felt sick about it I didn't want to go to the scan I told Toby not to bother coming I just didn't feel like I wasn't in a good headspace I don't know if that contributed to anything and that just makes me feel so guilty make me feel guilty they even say that I was in a negative headspace and I think that that might have contributed I know it didn't but it's almost like my mama instincts were telling me that something just wasn't right so I went to the scan and they couldn't say anything they couldn't find anything that wasn't a sack there wasn't anything and they said that I needed to come back and I remember calling my mom and I just said something's wrong something's wrong and this isn't right mom like it's not gonna happen and she was so great she told me it's probably just early and just wait and you'll be you'll be fine let's just wait and see like telling you not to jump to conclusions and anyway so after that scared oh god he's bringing back so many emotions that I feel like I've just suppressed for so long was I saying oh yeah so that yeah I think that was unlike a Tuesday or Wednesday and they said to come back the following week which we had booked in and the weekend rolled around and I was feeling normal I had no cramping no nothing no signs that anything was going wrong other than the feeling in my head and we were getting ready to go to watched home you play footy and he had already gone so he'd gone to his game and Heidi and I were packing up to go and I just went to the bathroom and I wiped and I saw her a little bit of blood and in my head I just said I know I know what's happening and I couldn't get a hold of Toby I couldn't get a hold of my parents I couldn't get a hold of my sisters and they're the only people that I you know really felt like I could talk to because I knew I was pregnant so I ended up calling my best friend ash and I just started crying I was like I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding and I didn't know what to do and she was really great she just like spoke to me and said let's get a hold of toy be like I think we can do right now like do you want me to come and I said no and anyway eventually I got a hold of my dad actually and I told him and by this point I was bleeding quite a lot it was brown blood and which they say can be old blood and you know even when I called the hospital they're like what color is that I said was Brown and she goes what that's a good sign she's like come on in and we'll see what's happening but I just I knew I knew what was happening I knew I was losing the baby I knew that that baby was never meant to be it's a wrong thing never meant to be our baby because it was our baby but it was never meant to be in our arms anyway my dad came over and he sat with Heidi and I got a hold of Toby and they said I'm gonna meet you at the hospital and I met him at the hospital and we spoke to my OB and she was just sort of spoke to me so I spoke through everything I hadn't even seen her but she did know that I was pregnant but I was before the time that you met to see your doctor because I was around I think around eight weeks I I thought I was eight weeks obviously there was nothing in my belly so I was I don't know how far along it was I can't even add to that we got to the hospital the bleeding had completely stopped and what had come out was just brown blood so they were saying you know it all seems fine and I literally kept saying I what I need a blood test I need a blood test and save my levels they're like look if it if you bleed some more come back and I said it's my obey I called her and I said I need I need the reassurance of a blood test because I know something's wrong so she organized me to have a blood test and the blood test came back and I knew that my levels were like at a hundred and fifty or something like a couple of weeks earlier so I knew that would have been in like the tens of thousands by now if I had a viable pregnancy and they came back at like 130 or 135 or something so low and I remember just crying when looking at toy bein I'm saying sorry because I felt guilty which is so wrong like as a mother there's nothing we can do we all do our best to you know keep these babies healthy you now tell me and keep them healthy once a year and we are all trying our best but it was just the most awful feeling and there's nothing that anyone can do or say to make you feel better it's all something you need to work on I feel on your own well I did anyway so I remember even getting the blood test they couldn't get the needle in my arm and I always am fine with blood tests I always like they always find a vein he kept he knocked the man next to it which ended up like bleeding everywhere they did it like ten times they finally got the blood took like two hours for the results to come back they finally came back and he was like yeah I still pregnant your levels are at 130 something and I was like no and I explained I said I you know about three weeks earlier I got a result of 150 they've dropped and he was just really sweet he just said I'm so sorry like wah dah dah and what I was getting sick you know so anyway I went home I wasn't bleeding and the next day it all wrapped up and I miscarried naturally I didn't end up even having a scan or anything afterwards because about four days later my OB organized me another blood test and my levels were at one I think or two one or two which is like you're not pregnant everything had cleared out what I described to my OB she told me everything was all good and said we could start trying straightaway and we did I really really really wanted another baby and I felt like I fallen I was so lucky to fall pregnant with Heidi so easily we weren't even trying to fall pregnant with Heidi and I felt pregnant with this baby we felt pregnant so easily and I was like this is gonna happen like no tomorrow and then we a decent journey of trying to conceive not compared to most people and know that there's some people out there that try for years and years and years and years and it's it's tiring and it's draining so my heart breaks for you guys because it's really tough when you're trying to conceive and especially if you've had a loss or you haven't had a loss I don't know what's easy or harder if you do or don't but for us the miscarriage really broke me I never thought it would I don't think people in my life knew it did but it's something that I cried a lot about it's something I felt really guilty about and it's still something I think about but it brought me like that baby that we lost brought me bike and bike was always meant to be my son he was always meant to be Heidi's brother and for that I'm so grateful and it has made me connect as well like losing that baby has made me connect with so many people that have been through loss or I've been trying to conceive it's weirdly growing my channel here on YouTube which is they allowed me to connect with so many more people it's maybe more vulnerable it's made me appreciate those that do struggle to have kids and those that do desperately want that baby or those that have been through loss and yeah it's changed me but it probably changed me for the better I think so yeah that's a little bit on my story on miscarriage it's been a really long story so I'm really sorry I didn't think I was gonna cry so it's been well over a year nearly two years actually that it all sort of unfolded but still it's very real it's very raw but it is my story it's part of my journey of motherhood and I know that there's so many out there that have lost babies whether that be at four weeks five weeks six weeks 20 weeks 25 weeks whatever it's still a loss and it's really painful so my heart breaks for you guys so the lot um I'm trying to think there was anything else that I needed to go through a lot of people ask me all I asked question I asked questions on my Instagram I actually got so many questions but because this video is so long I might just answer a few and then maybe answer some more in the coming in the coming weeks or coming videos maybe I'll do a miscarriage Q&A if you don't follow me on instagram i'll put my instagram here so you can cuz i do do a lot of my questions on there where are the question so make sense of three questions here we go caitlin 29 said did you have any signs before having it I imagine that before having the miscarriage no I didn't have any physical symptoms before having it other than the low blood test levels and the feeling in my gut I just knew something was wrong like I honestly just knew it was gonna be viable but no cramping no pains no nothing I actually had cramping a lot with Blake in the early days and he was a beautiful viable pregnancy so cramping for me never happened with the miscarriage I didn't have any symptoms I didn't even have sore boobs I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms I had nothing literally nothing other than a positive pregnancy test so no no symptoms Rayo says how far along with you and then she shared something personal which I'm not gonna I'm not going to read out but my heart goes out to you Brier and how far along was I I think I was about eight weeks we don't actually know when the baby stops growing or the baby ever even implanted properly we don't know so I think I was about eight weeks out of eight weeks where I thought I was pregnant but whether or not I was pregnant pregnant I'm not sure wellness and happiness said how did it affect you breastfeeding Heidi mmm be touching on it previously so I weaned or highly weaned at 16 months and I thought that was just her weaning but it could have actually been to do with me being early days pregnant and my breast milk changing I don't know because I was never really that pregnant based on my levels that sounds awful I was pregnant but I was never really like I didn't have high was of HCG so I don't know what would have affected my breast milk but she did self weaned and will sort of self wings she pretty much self weaned in the day and then at night time she just wanted it sometimes and I stopped keeping it or offering it and after like a night or two she just forgot but I did have a lot of guilt and regret because I was like I've lost this baby and now I've stopped my I stopped her from baby I didn't stop her cuz I know she had stopped but I didn't keep offering it anyway ah so many emotions so anyway that's it for this video I'm sorry again for the tears like I said this is just my journey and everyone's miscarriage story hopefully you never have one but if you do have one or had one it's probably very different to mine you probably handled it very differently I know there's people that it affects massively and people that are just able to move on and there's no right or wrong because it's all their journeys and that's what makes us us because we get through things differently and there's no right or wrong so I love you guys like I said if you are new be sure to hit the subscribe button down below and I am going to be trying to upload more regularly I do that load a video last week and I've done on this week so hopefully next week we have one I know if you have any video suggestions I know my comments are disabled at the moment because of this whole YouTube thing that's going on but do follow me on instagram send me a damn comment on my pictures and yeah i love you guys and I'll see you soon

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *