Miscarriage Update // How I've Been & Honest Feelings

hey buddy I am going to be giving you guys an update today sorry if this first part seems like a little rushed a little unemotional but I've already filmed this and it was just way too long and I hadn't even really gotten to like the gist of the video and I just wanted to redo it but if you're watching this you've already seen my update from just like my schedule and saying I'm back and what to expect from me so if you haven't watched that I would definitely make sure you watch that one because my schedule is not gonna be the same and it just it's gonna explain it all so definitely watch that and I wanted to say thank you first and foremost for all of you who have left comments or messaged me texted me everything else like it just means the world I can't say it enough I don't have a way to show you but it really does so I just wanted to say thank you I knew that you guys would be so supportive and of course you were but today I just kind of wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing I am going to be making a separate video because you guys haven't gotten the details of everything whether it's the pregnancy the miscarriage what's happening now I feel like it's very much scattered I just made that video to be quick and to let you guys know where I was going and I want to give you guys kind of this start-to-finish story but I also want to do it one for myself because looking back there are some things I can't remember about my other two miscarriages that I wish I would have documented so I could have watched and I could have helped myself I mean I with everything I have I hope that I'm never here again but in the case that I am I'm just I've been sitting around wishing that I would have been on YouTube during my first miscarriage so I could think of stuff because it's it's been so long this November will be five years since our first miscarriage and we had another one last year if you didn't know my story and then we just had one on May 5th so of 2018 and I also want to make that video because after the fact after we learned everything I looked for a lot of missed miscarriages videos missed miscarriage videos I said that wrong but I couldn't find a lot of them it was just hard to sort through everything and I just want to put that out there for anybody who is looking for one and like I said I do think that you know you guys deserve to hear the full story you guys are super supportive of me so you know I I want to fill you guys in because I was filming while I was pregnant and I knew that and you know I would I knew I was pregnant for two months and I feel like you guys were along for the ride even though you didn't get to know that I don't know how to put that but there will be a more in-depth video so if you're curious from start to I hate to say finish because definitely doesn't it won't ever feel finished but you know if you're curious about the whole story there will be a video on that but today I wanted to talk about what has been going on for the past few weeks basically since I haven't been on YouTube and I feel like I'm ready for this I'm sure that I said this in my update about me coming back but I just wanted to come back when I felt like my work would help me and I definitely think that I'm there you know I find myself kind of I don't know what shame that I had work to do some days so I want to come back and give you guys an update so I'm gonna give you guys kind of like a chronological update as to what's happened since I last left you and then touch on our emotions last just because what I was thinking about making this video for the past few days it just felt all over the place trying to tie my emotions in with everything that I needed to say and it would leave me in two different times and stuff like that so I just felt like if I just give you the basic facts of what have happened over the past couple weeks and then I'll talk to you about my emotions last but I will put a time stamp right here if you're only interested in emotions of what I've been going through because that's really kind of in the gist of it but so I left you guys on Monday and Mark had taken Monday off he wanted to make sure that I was gonna physically be okay but also that I was not gonna be alone because the girls were at my grandma's and he just didn't feel right going to work so he stayed home with me we've got the girls we came home and then on Tuesday he had to go back to work but that was supposed to be the day of our 12-week OB visit so he had already told his work that he needed a few hours off to go with me to that and I had called my OB on Monday to let them know everything that had happened and they said keep your appointment we'll just make it a different kind of appointment so he was able to go with me to that and we went there the first thing they did was an ultrasound it showed that the baby and the sacra no longer in there so that's what the ER doctor helped me pass but there was some blood and tissue but my doctor said it was really close to my cervix and she was really hopeful that I was gonna pass everything by myself but she did have me scheduled up a follow-up ultrasound which is now like a week and a half away or maybe a little less than that just to make sure that I have passed everything because if I haven't I will have to have a DNC and then she also ordered weekly HCG lab draws so I got my first one done and on Saturday when we first went to the ER it was 2600 which is not in the range of what it should have been at all for 12 weeks pregnant you want to be between 20,000 or 200,000 in that range and obviously 2600 is nowhere close so from a Saturday and then my first lab draw was a week in two days after that on a Monday and it was already down to 51 so I'm very thankful that my HCG is dropping pretty fast I know women have to suffer through getting countless draws because it takes their body a really long time to drop that level and I'm pretty sure that was me the first time around I think I had like four or six draws before I was completely down to zero and it was really tough it's really tough to walk in there and to have to continue to get these lab draw you know even though you're not physically carrying a child anymore and there's just a lot of emotions around everything physically but I'm very thankful and I actually have a my next lab draw tomorrow and I'm hopeful that that it's down even farther if not 2-0 then try not to get my hopes up and then after the ultrasound mark and I just really got to talk to my doctor about everything and one of the first things that she told me was that while this isn't comment to miscarry the way I did it definitely does happen and that made me feel a little bit better just in the sense of knowing that I wasn't alone that I wasn't like one in a million or anything I mean the odds are pretty low it's supposed to be two percent given the circumstances of what happened so that sucks to know but it's definitely not like it doesn't happen to other women which like I said it just made me feel less alone in at all so she told me that and one of our our biggest things was just seeing what we could do next time and even if it was just to give us more ultrasounds that's what we had initially asked for because I only had one ultrasound to give you a little bit more of specifics we went in for an ultrasound in my doctor's office assumed I was ten weeks based on off of my mess period but I knew that I ov you lated Lee and I was expecting for me to be seven weeks 60s at that ultrasound which is exactly what the baby measured at so I was seven weeks six seven weeks six days then and when we got the news that we had miscarried it said that the baby was measuring only at eight weeks so obviously right after that ultrasound that we had at my Obie's something happened baby stopped growing and didn't have heartbeat anymore you know whatever and I really wish that I would have had like an ultrasound at ten weeks or something just something in the middle so I didn't have to go a whole month thinking that I was carrying a living child and everything else and she was totally fine because we did ask about other stuff that I'll get to in a minute but she was totally fine doing whatever we wanted to do to like reassure us but and like would make us feel better next time around but she was saying how insurance company is tend not to pay for it because I haven't had three miscarriages in a row so I don't have a medical higher risk so it's not medically necessary for me to get those ultrasounds which just infuriates me that money has to be a factor and people getting answers that's just so wrong to me and I'm just so aggravated by it my camera cut me off but I was just saying it's really infuriating that money has to do with getting results around your health care just infuriates me but my doctor personally is fine with doing whatever would make mark and I at ease next time around and we did ask about testing for ourselves and a bunch of other questions but it just basically comes down to well you knew whatever you want you just might have to pay out of pocket so we'll have to see what those things cost in time if our insurance will cover them if they won't what it would cost out of pocket and all those different things I'm going to be doing a hold trying to conceive update because there was stuff that happened in the cycles and that I learned that I weren't telling you guys about and I just there's different specifications my doctor gave me before trying to conceive again which it's nothing serious but I'm also curious about what I should document next time I just have a lot of things to tell you so it is gonna be its separate update but we did talk to her about that and when we did ask about testing for her selves she said that we could but she was very hopeful that nothing was wrong with us because we did have to term healthy babies and you know it just seems like this is just happening to us and that kind of sucks but it kind of makes you I don't know like you want to reason but like at least there's not anything wrong I don't know how to put that but she said again that we could do whatever but you know again it just might be an out-of-pocket expense but she spent a lot of time reassuring us that she felt pretty confident because I had gestational diabetes with Remy and I also Sofie had ovarian cysts in utero but like other than that their pregnancies didn't have any huge complications our deliveries were fine I was fine just like everything about it she's very confident that you know it's not anything to do with us it's just unfortunately this happened she said she I want to call it bad luck but like it's just one of those things that were just unfortunate with and I don't know we just spend a lot of time talking to her and I'm just really grateful for her she's always been super sympathetic and empathetic with me and what I've gone through and pretty much the whole office you know I have so many appointments when I am pregnant that like the receptionist all know me the ultrasound tech knows me the nurses know me everything so it like it feels like I have the whole support of the office if that makes sense and that makes me feel better that like there's people who are thinking of us and stuff I don't I don't really know but yeah so that was the gist of the appointment basically and also a little update if you watch my chitchat videos my doctor is going to stay in practice my OB so I can follow her which I'm very thrilled about because like I've said a bunch of times I love her and I never want another OB so I was really excited to hear that and ever since then I've been bleeding I bled for about a week and a half basically maybe a little bit over and I was passing stuff some days I was in physical pain others I wasn't some days I felt fine and other days I had really intense back ache and cramps but nothing compared to like what it was in the hospital the hospital on a pain scale was like an eight sometimes a nine for me but ever since then nothing's been I mean at max had spent like a two so it's nothing that I can't handle with a heating pad which has been just like my go-to thing fortunately I'm not bleeding anymore I'm making this on the 20th and I haven't bled for a couple of days that's basically the gist of what's happened physically as what I know I will update you guys what happens with the ultrasound and everything else probably in just like a chitchat video and throw it in there if I do need a DNC I will be taking more time off even though it is like an outpatient surgery I just know it's gonna like set me back a million places so just expect that if I do need a DNC I'll make an announcement just so you guys don't think that I disappeared again or for no reason but yeah that's basically the gist of everything that's happened since I last talked to you guys it physically has been the hardest miscarriage to go through and I told mark it's just things that are even as simple as the fact that I took a pregnancy test because I wanted to see how much the line was on there and it it was a super faint faint positive like faint to where my husband probably couldn't have noticed it but it was still there I could see it and I told him that like while I was sitting that looking for it I was disappointed that there was still a line on there and just how mentally it screws you up thinking about I spent all that time hoping to see a second line wanting to see a second line watching it progress and now I'm in a situation where I want it to go away I want my HCG levels to drop I want my body to go back to normal you know like it is such a messed up situation that I'm in that two weeks ago I wanted nothing more than to make sure that my HCG was going where it should be but then now two weeks later I'm in a situation where I want to see a negative see test like that just meant till he screws with you everything about this physically screws with your mind and I don't think a lot of people understand that they know that I miss care just sad they know that losing a pregnancy is sad but I don't think anybody ever thinks about the fact that you don't just lose a pregnancy it doesn't just disappear that you physically have to go through things to lose it you have to physically lose a pregnancy you know so like what I had to go through physically was just emotionally draining and exhausting and mentally too and even after the hospital when I was out of the majority 99% of my pain every day waking up and seeing that stuff it's just a physical reminder of what your head is already you know stressing over and it's going through and it's just awful like you can't begin to even take a step forward if you're physically having to have reminders of it it's just awful I don't know how else to say it and this time everything physically was just I don't know like having to see that stuff having to go back to the hospital and everything that happened when we were in the hospital like it was traumatizing like I'll never forget it I'll never forget what physically happened to me the first two times I could tell you in such detail that you could like paint a picture from it but this time there is so much more pain there's so much more stuff to it the fact that medical professionals had to help me and I was a week and I could feel stuff and it was just like it was like horrific I don't know how else to put it but like physically having to go through this it's just awful like I wouldn't wish this on anybody I don't care who you are I would not wish this on anybody and that's been one of the hardest parts especially in those first few days when I was just in so much pain and it just didn't feel fair I told you guys on Sunday that I couldn't let myself feel anything because of how much pain I was in like my I would have been hurt up to my boobs like that's my entire torso hurt from the pain I was in from just my abdomen and like contracting and stuff it was excruciating and I couldn't even let myself cry because when I would cry obviously like your chest is moving and that would make everything feel worse so if I started to cry I would have to make myself stop and that just that messes with you mentally to look everything about it has just been so hard and I just wanted to mention the physical part because I don't think enough people understand that I had a lot of people tell me I don't I don't want to get into that I don't know I'm just gonna read my notes and move on to the next thing the next thing that has come to me as I definitely wasn't realistic in my announcement video well you guys didn't really know anything about my mind said then I mean obviously I was upset but on the drive home Sunday night from the hospital I was telling mark how I felt like this time I felt more equipped to deal with things that I felt like since I've unfortunately been in this situation two times before that I know what makes me better what makes me worse I can stay away from things I can embrace others and just all this different stuff how I was hopeful that this time I could deal with it better and I was just so unrealistic about that it doesn't matter what you lose who you lose how many times you've been through it it's always gonna hurt in a different way it's gonna hurt more it it's just I don't know how to put it but this time like I said physically but emotionally mentally it's been a lot worse and I don't know like I'm gonna be pretty candid with you guys I'm I'm I had a lot of people tell me that you know I was brave or have a strong for telling my story but I'm not telling you guys to even really share my story necessarily it's just I wouldn't be honest with you I'm gonna feel like crap I feel like crap right now I'm gonna feel like crap for weeks and months to come there gonna be good days there's gonna be bad days and you guys might pick up on that and I'm not gonna tell you that I'm fine when I'm not fine I'm I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that I did that the first time I miscarried people would ask me how I was I went to back I went back to work three days later and that wasn't right I I wasn't doing myself any justice I wasn't taking care of myself I was doing what I thought other people were comfortable with and I refused to ever do that again because they made it that much harder on me mentally the first time I miscarried that I learned my lesson from that so you know people might be uncomfortable with what I say or how I act or that I'm honest and I'm not gonna be okay but I really don't care I don't you know everybody grieves differently I don't care who you are you've had grief or loss touch you in some way form or another in your life and if you haven't you will and you will learn how you grieve and everybody does that differently there's no you know you can't tell somebody that they're grieving wrong or whatever like everybody has their own process with it and I don't think that judging anybody based off of how they grieve it's gonna make your journey any easier it doesn't make the things that you're going through any less so why not just shut up and keep a good distance if you don't like what somebody is doing but I want to be honest with you guys because I want to be honest with you guys that's what it comes down to I'm not gonna tell you I'm fine what I'm not I'm not gonna be all normal alia and I don't know I wouldn't necessarily say like I'm happy and bubbly but I'm definitely a lot more delightful than I have been I will say that much but I just don't think that I was realistic and that makes me kind of upset with myself because I feel like I almost set a standard or an expectation for myself and I just I shouldn't have if you're going through this and if you're going through this multiple times don't think you have to act a certain way don't think that because of what someone else expects from you that you need to meet that like your grieving is your own journey you need to do things on your own time need to fuel things as they come and that's not wrong so that was something else that I realized and basically this time like I said it's been a lot different because of all the different circumstances the first two miscarriages we never made it to the first appointment let alone heard a heartbeat or see a perfectly healthy baby from what we could see and we definitely weren't this far long I was 12 weeks in 3 days when I got the news I was 12 weeks on 4 days when I actually started miscarrying and it's just it's been a lot harder I was four days away from being out of the first trimester or so I thought and I know that that the baby was done at eight weeks it was no longer growing its heart had stopped beating but I thought I was pregnant for an entire month after I still had pregnancy symptoms my placenta was trying to do what it could what it thought it needed to do and that's heart like everything about this has been completely and utterly heartbreaking and just sad and I don't know how else to put it just knowing that I was so close or what I thought was so close to being out of the first trimester and even walking into that ER we thought we were overreacting like I was initially scared because of the blood and I was crying and I was upset but the more that like the the night progressed I thought it was fine because to be candid mark and I had had sex the night before I know that you know internal exams ultrasounds sex stuff like that you know it can like shake things loose and whatever when you're pregnant so a little bit of blood and it wasn't like a period blood either it was tinged in like other stuff like a discharge so the the more the night progressed and the fact that I wasn't bleeding anymore I was like wow I'm kind of silly for coming in and I just like when I told mark when I remember things I don't remember them as like first-person I remember them like third-person so I can see myself and whoever I'm with like experiencing stuff and that might sound strange but when I think about us getting the news we were sitting there and we were laughing and joking about something because at that point we had thought that we had overreacted and now they were gonna come and show us pictures of this healthy baby and we were gonna go home which would have been such a relief to us when we were sitting there laughing I saw the doctor approaching but we were talking so I didn't want to look away and when I remember it I can just see her walking towards us and I can see us happy and then just how quickly that changed and I don't know I could sit here and talk forever about why everything feels the way it does I don't I don't know a good thing I made notes because like sitting here it's just it's really hard to concentrate because your mind starts to go one place and it starts to go like a million different others but like I knew that I was pregnant for two months and for over 60 days I went about my everyday life like I was pregnant because I knew that I was and to think that we had made it to the ultrasound and we saw everything and we heard a heartbeat and to me I felt like that was good like we're set I heard a heartbeat like I'm fine and like I said there was a 2% chance of this happening and neither one of us expected it and that just crushes me every time I think about it like the unexpected see of it all and how far we got and just everything about it it just there's a lot of different reasons why this time hurt so much deeper and so much harder it was just so much worse that I like I said I could stay here forever I wrote down when I wrote these notes I said that I wasn't really angry I was just very sad remembering how happy we were about everything makes me sad but to address the anger thing I'm definitely not not angry this time I think initially I wasn't angry you know the first couple of times I was really angry with my body just right off the bat because it miscarried the second something was wrong but this time my body tried to hang on and try to do everything that I could which I I just I didn't feel angry with it this time I also know that it's not my fault or anything but I just wasn't angry right off the bat but I definitely have started to feel that anger it's more geared towards people who haven't been there for me who continued to not be there for me or however you want to put it and I've told friends that you know I've experienced loss a number of times in my life and every time it will surprise me the people that you expect to show up who won't and the people who you didn't even think of that well and a lot of that has made me angry and before I also had a lot of anger and jealousy and stuff towards other pregnant women which honestly I don't really feel that but I do feel sad and I guess that's what I'll get back to I feel really sad when I think about people being due in November like I was or seeing people announce their pregnancy because I would be right now and like thinking of everything that like could have been I don't know that really upsets me and uh I'm thinking about how happy we were I told mark this you guys didn't really know but like everything had happened within like a few weeks of itself and it was going so good like we didn't have a single thing to complain about in our life we found out we were pregnant I got my certification there was so many other little things that happen in our life within like a few weeks that it really truly felt like we could not complain about anything ever because it was going that good and I know life doesn't stay that good but like why couldn't I have had my credit card stolen why I couldn't have something you need fixed on a car like something replaceable instead of this because nothing else has changed other than this and I hate that like it's really hard for me to think about how happy we were in doing certain stuff and think of where we are now and that we had no control over being here you know like I said I wish it just something crappy could have happened that would have been replaceable and that's what makes me the saddest and I think I'm a lot more sad than I am angry the anger definitely comes just every once in a while but the sadness is like what weighs heavy on me 98% of the time it's just being sacked like all the time and I try to like laugh through it and honestly I think that's one of my biggest coping mechanisms and stuff that makes me feel better is laughing so you know if you see me laughing it's not because I think things are genuinely funny I'm just trying to help myself get through this next moment and I'm sorry this video is incredibly long I'll do what I can to shorten it because it's it's getting really long I also want to talk about the fact that I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm strong and brave and a lot of other things along those lines and I don't want to be a lot of the time like I don't have a choice I have other people who depend on me so I have to wake up every morning I have to get stuff done I have to do things I am responsible for other things and other people in my life and I have to be those things but it doesn't mean I want to be those days that I want to spend in bed those things where I just like lay on the couch and just like chill with the kids and you know do whatever they ask but that's like the extent of what gets done and you know I don't feel those things I definitely would not use them to describe me I would use a mess to be probably number one but like I just I don't know I don't think that when you're a mom to living children you have a husband you have a life you have other responsibilities like you kind of have to meet them at some point so and I know everybody is trying to pay me a compliment and I appreciate that I just wanted to be honest that like there's nothing farther from what I feel then strong right now and I just I wrote a big long thing about how people who show up in people who don't but I basically wanted to write it in case anybody has somebody in their life that's going through something like a loss or grief and they're not sure how to be there for them I just I wanted to say that I understand that this is a hard conversation to have but you need to have it with them you know I had countless people say I don't know what to say to you but I wanted to let you know that you can talk to me I love you you know you don't have to go through this alone I'm here if you need anything like just anything to show your support like that that means the world you don't know you don't have to know what to say to say something supportive just leave it very open-ended just let them know that you love them you know don't try to suffocate them or anything but at the same time they don't need to be ignored you know I've I get a lot of that I feel like a lot of people think that they either need to be overboard or they need to not do anything at all and it's really just that middle ground that people are looking for you know when I had people consistently say I don't know what to say or hey I just wanted to let you know like I'm here if you need to talk that's one of the biggest things because I started to believe that they wanted to actually talk with me and ever since then I've had one friend who continually text me and checks on me and we'll just listen to me but she just lets me talk and she just listens and that's just all that someone wants it's just that I mean there might be people who tell you that they don't want to talk and that they just want space and you know they're not really interested they might not reply to your text or your phone calls or whatever and that's completely fine to like if they're giving you that answer that's how they want to grieve but I know for myself personally that people being silent around me just makes me feel worse it makes me feel like some kind of like car wreck or train wreck that nobody wants to look at or see or involve themselves with and that just feels like crap for me so I don't know there there's a lot more well written things that I have wrote and down but wrote and down written down but that's basically the gist of it I just wanted to encourage people who might have people in their lives going through grief or loss to reach out to them because it'll be appreciated it it might not in like that moment it might not seem like it's well received but looking back when they look back on their experience they're gonna know that you were there and that'll mean a lot that'll mean a ton and the last thing that I have written is basically how I'm feeling now and like I said I I just want to be honest with you guys that I still feel like crap a lot of days I still feel really sad about everything I don't cry a lot anymore I've been crying because or almost crying in this video because I've been dredging up everything but for the most part I don't cry and less something I think is something new something new happens just having a really rough day and at the end of the day it just gets all built up and I end up crying but I cried for like four days straight it felt like and I after that I just felt like drained with everything like physically emotionally I didn't feel like I had any water left of my body to even cry but I don't know just a lot of days I feel really heavy I also forgot how up and down this entire process is it was like three days ago now I felt relatively normal I felt like in a pretty good mood and I was texting mark telling him how guilty I felt for that you know I felt like feeling good meant that I would forget everything and forget what we lost and just like he always has he always reassures me that that's not the case at all and just like he did the first two times he always or just need to take my good days where I get them because you know you're not gonna always have good days so feel good when you feel good and it was really hard I like I didn't understand even when he was talking to me I was just like no like I feel guilty right now and I didn't know how to put it but then the next day I felt like crap and I was like oh that's what he was talking about I forgot that you feel like this so it's been really hard dealing with that but again you know it might not make sense to anybody who's right here right now going through this but definitely just take your days as you come and if you do have a good day just try to enjoy the good day don't try to read into it don't try to expect anything from it just try to take that day because you might feel a lot different the next I am still pretty Spacey and like it's really hard to concentrate like making this video I'm really glad that I made notes because when I start to think about stuff my mind just tends to go in a lot of different directions so like I said it's been kind of hard to concentrate on stuff and see like I can't even remember what I just read I'm really not in the mood to go out and do things but after the fact I'm definitely glad that I am because seeing pregnant women or even babies and stuff that really doesn't upset me I don't really feel any kind of way about it necessarily right now so that doesn't really bother me that's not really what it is it's just generally getting out that I don't like doing it I really just don't want to be around other people right now I think on the sudden random occasion that I have an outburst like I just started crying in the middle of whatever store like I don't want that to happen I don't want to cause a scene or anything so I think that's what I'm afraid of but we've gotten out here and there and after the fact I'm always glad that I did because it's just one step further but I do feel bad for the people who are experiencing me for the first time I'm going through this because I probably seem like a pretty miserable person like I've had a lot of doctor's appointments so it's Remy and just like I said going out in general you know like you meet people for the first time every day and they probably think I'm a miserable individual because I just have like no pep in my voice no whatever like normally like the best you can see from me it's one more round my kids in my husband basically but I know eventually one day I won't feel like this and I'm gonna try not to lose it I talked about this right now I do feel like crap I've said I feel angry I feel sad everything just feels heavy and I feel hurt but I know that I will get into a different place day by day week by week year by year I told mark before all this happened that like I said we're going on five years of our first miscarriage in November and I said how that that experience everything around it that pregnancy doesn't bring me anything but like peace and love when I think about it anymore it doesn't really make me sad it doesn't make me upset there's always that hurt that had to lose something that was so dear to me but you know like it just I feel so much peace about it now that years ago I did not feel so I know that eventually one day I will be on the other side of things I will be in a different place but right now it's hard to believe that it's hard to be optimistic you know we to give you the gist of things we are going to be trying to conceive again because that's what we want to do and that's what we're comfortable with but it's hard to envision me actually sitting in a hospital in holding one of our babies again it never gets any further than that like I can't put any belief into that I don't feel like I can be really optimistic I know that one day no matter what way mark and I will add to our family the way we want to but it's just really hard to be optimistic right now and I think that's normal and fine I think there's also a huge part of miscarriage for me that is a physical sense like I won't believe it until I see my body do it so I know that that's gonna take time obviously I mean it may never happen but hopefully it does and I think that's that's basically everything like I know that grief and loss can like overshadow my spirit and my sense of self but I won't feel like this forever so that's basically what I've been telling myself and trying to remind myself that like today might be a crappy day but eventually I'll get a good day and those good days will happen more and more and slowly but surely you'll be in a different place and that's basically the updated that I have and you know I'm I'm fine with how this is ending I'm sure some people expected me to be fine I'm sure some people expected me to act fine act normal we'll go back to my normal schedule go to my normal work and whatever sorry I'm moving around but this leg of this and dresser is like in my butt but I know people probably had other expectations for me but I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not fine I'm not doing okay most days but I do feel like I can get on here and my work can bring out the best in me and it can give me something to do I can give my mind another place to be because it does not need to constantly be revolving around this I think it's healthy to grieve in to work through emotions but I don't think it's healthy to sit around to think about it constantly either so that's why I'm coming back even though I'm not a hundred percent but I think that's good for people to see – I'm not gonna lie about it I'm not gonna hide it either I'm not fine and I wouldn't expect someone else to be fine either so I did want to give you guys an update as to what's happening and how I'm physically doing where I am mentally and I guess I can say that marks doing all right I don't really want to talk much to that just because I feel like that's his own place his own story his own feelings like very much has to do with him and I wouldn't feel comfortable just coming on here and saying everything that he's ever told me and stuff like that but he's doing all right the girls are doing good and yeah I don't know I just kind of wanted to fill you guys in and I'm happy to be back and I hope you guys are happy that I am back hopefully I don't know why you'd be here if you're not but yeah again thank you for all your support I greatly greatly appreciate it it really does mean the world to me but I'll see you guys next week in my next video because I'm not gonna say that I hope you enjoyed this one but yeah I'll see you guys

31 Replies to “Miscarriage Update // How I've Been & Honest Feelings”

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I have never had a miscarriage, so I don’t know how you feel. I have however been forced into an abortion. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that baby and want to take it back. I constantly want to get pregnant again to replace that baby and I just can’t.
    I found your channel through your exclusively pumping series and you helped me so much in getting my supply established! Thank you

  2. I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with all that you're going through and you've definitely helped me better understand what happens emotionally and physically during a miscarriage. Now when I hear of someone having a miscarriage I will remember this video and know a little of what they may be feeling. I may be wrong but I think you talking about it helps get your feelings out instead of ignoring your feelings. So I will watch and listen to what ever you have to say, and again I think it helps everybody understand what someone may be going through and those going through it now.

  3. I am soo sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what a difficult time this must be. Thinking of you and your family ♡

  4. I am so so so so sooo very sorry that you are going through all this. Yeah if only it was a credit card stolen or something that could be taken care of. I’m so sorry. I know no matter how many times I say that it won’t make you feel any better. I had my second daughter in 2014 and she passed away in 2015. My whole pregnancy I had no idea anything was wrong with her. So shocking as it may seem when she was out she was purple and not breathing and my mom and sister were freaking out and praying and I just froze and had no idea what was going on. It was like it was an out of body experience. She made it for 2 almost 3 months. Cadence Desiree Allen born 12/03/2014 and she passed away 2/23/2015. She was one strong baby. She had Trisomy-13. I’m here for you always. I know that feeling. My family didn’t know what to say but they were there for me. My friends said they were there for me but after a month of her being gone so were those so called friends I thought I had. I barely slept and didn’t know how to close my eyes. I was always crying and sad and still had to take care of my 1 year old daughter at the time. Most of it is kind of a blur sometimes when I go and think about it. Everything that you’re saying is how I felt and what I went through. Writing was something I tried and then stopped. My grief counselor has been my go to. She lets me talk and she explains my feelings to me when she realizes I don’t understand why and how I feel.

  5. You have been such a help to me, and I am forever grateful. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, my heart and prayers go out to you.

  6. I am soooo sorry for your loss! Thank you sooo much for sharing! I am so sure your story will be really helpful for others that have gone through what you have. You are so right that if you haven't experienced it you just don't understand what someone goes through. I appreciate you telling your story either though its extremely difficult. Thank you!

  7. Thank you for being so candid with us! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know we don’t know each other, but if I could I would come help you around your house. And if you ever want to talk I am here. My girls always find a way to cheer me up.

  8. Sorry for your loss and what you had to go through with the miscarriage 🙁 You're such an inspiration. Prayers for you and your family

  9. I started watching your exclusively pumping videos. I love the honest in all your videos. You are real on camera. I hate to see you go through this. Like you helped me during your pumping videos even when you talked about your c-section and the lost of not being able to nurse really helped me. I felt so alone. I know this video will help women.
    It’s a real eye opener for me because people don’t talk about these things. It needs to be talked about. Hang in there.
    I’m going through so much in my own personal life and I think opening up with our feelings and what people go through helps one another. Thank you for sharing.

  10. Praying for you!
    Thank you for sharing this! I don't know if you'll see this comment with not being on YouTube as frequently, but I really appreciate you sharing your heart. My husband and I have walked through two miscarriages, the first was 7 years ago, and although we've been blessed with other children, there are still the occasions where my heart is broken once again and it feels like it's just happened. Take the time you need to grieve, even if you need to get a babysitter or take a time out. When I lost my second baby, my girls were 2.5 & 1.5, so because of that, after I got home from the ER and rested, we picked them up from my parents' and brought them home. I had to go straight back into mommy mode, which was a good distraction in some ways, but I later regretted not making sure I took some time alone. I felt like I couldn't grieve like I needed to, because I was trying to keep things as normal as possible for them.

  11. It's ok to not be ok right now. You're grieving and it takes time to get over. Not that you actually get over losing a child, but you learn to walk with it. I have had 3 losses. My last loss back in August of 2017, was very similar to yours. I went in for an ultrasound, and heard the heartbeat as t 6 weeks. At 9 weeks I felt like something was off, spotting the whole month had picked up some, and we learned the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I finally miscarried the week I was suppose to be 10 weeks along. My prior losses were much earlier than this. This one was much more painful (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and devastating to me. Everyone around me was announcing and due about when I was. It still makes me incredibly sad. Most of my friends now have 1 or 2 month olds. It was the second time that I finally conceived when everyone else did, but wasn't able to keep mine. For months it felt like I was being punched in the gut when someone announced they were expecting. It was so very hard for me. I found out I had some underlying issues and deficiencies and began working on them shortly after losing my baby. I'm now expecting my second rainbow at the end of October. I chose to talk about my miscarriages on my Facebook page because many people don't understand and don't realize the physical part of it. Like you, I have other responsibilities taking care of my 2 girls that finding the time to mourn by myself was nearly impossible.
    I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Please know you aren't alone, even though it feels that way. Do what you need to for you. Talking about the babies I have lost helps me. If it helps you, don't apologize for it. It doesn't make us strong, it makes us real. It lets others know that they aren't alone if they end up facing this journey as well. ❤

  12. Hi Alia, I’ve seen quite a few of your videos recently and one thing that I have always admired about your channel is how incredibly genuine you are, whether the content has to do with breastfeeding, baby gear, your personal life, etc. you always bring such an interesting point of view to each video, you are so informative and it comes across so clear that you take such effort to make sure your videos are as accurate as can be and that your viewers are getting quality information. When I found out what happened recently i was so sad I don’t know the kind of hurt you are feeling but I can see it in you that this took a heavy toll. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you for coming on here and sharing your story with everyone I know it will help so many people. Also thank you for standing out in the crowd and bringing us such quality content! I know you and your family will someday have that rainbow baby you very much deserve!

  13. Thank you for being so raw and honest with us. I always appreciate your perspective and open demeanor. Thank you for showing that you don't have to be "okay" to move forward in life. I will continue to pray for your peace and healing, though I'm not saying that to negate the child that you lost. That baby will forever be with you, I just pray for peace that must come in order to keep living life each day.

    I struggle often with guilt over having my tubes tied after my 2nd living baby was born, since we lost a pregnancy in between my first and second births. I struggle with wanting to feel a child growing inside of me again but also knowing that mentally I am maxed out for my living children. Most days I don't feel like I am everything they need so adding another child to the mix would be doing everyone in my family a disservice. I struggle with that still though since I still grieve the baby we lost and it's hard to grieve while knowing I made another permanent choice. Sorry for all the rambling, I'm sure my random story isn't that helpful. I do want you to know you aren't alone in those tough emotions of dealing with guilt over good days. I think it's very normal to feel so abnormal for feeling happy during such a tragic time in life.

    Please know you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Much love!

  14. Thank you for sharing with us. I can’t imagine what your going through but I know that this video has helped me and will help a lot of people out there. Again thank your for being this open with your viewers and allowing us in.

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss, I went threw the same thing recently I was due in October this year and I had a miscarriage and all my friends around me where announcing their pregnancy’s. The thing that has gotten me threw it was my kids and husband. It made me even more great full for my little loves! 🖤

  16. I also had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks. Mine happened February 6th. If you need to talk to anybody I am here for you. If you want to read my story and maybe try to find some comfort I wrote everything in my blog. Www.redeandlore.com
    Once again I am here for you if you need me.

  17. One of my good friends. Her mom had I think 4 or five miscarriages. Most of them between her oldest and middle child. And one more between the middle and my friend(who is the youngest). Sometimes these tragedies just happen for no reason. But if two of those miscarriages did happen and the kids were born my friend never would have been born and she recently became a mom herself. As horrible as it is these things happen. Like I said before you might want to buy a fetal monitor to have at home so you can monitor if your insurance wants to be an ass.

  18. My heart breaks for you Alia not because I have been through a similar experience but as a fellow mother, woman, and friend. Allowing yourself to feel anything and everything you're feeling is normal and healthy. Sending positive healing vibes your way 💞

  19. I’m glad you’re able to process this. I believe it’s healing to be able to talk about your loss out loud. I hope you’re heart continues to heal.

  20. So much of what you said resonates with me. I had a mmc last year in July. Was supposed to be 12 weeks but the baby passed at 7 weeks. I was obsessed after my D&C with googling. I took pregnancy tests for months. My hcg came down really really slow. I hit 0 3 months after the procedure.

    I understand the feeling of hoping to see a negative test but also feeling horrible about it. You voiced the feelings so well. I hope to never find myself in this position again but it is so nice to have someone you can relate to. There are huge stigmas to either keep a miscarriage quiet or to feel better quickly after the miscarriage.

    Take all the time you need to feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally.

  21. I hope this grieving process helps get you the closest thing to closer we can achieve, i know as mothers we cant fully ever let that mark on our heart go. Im hopeful you begin to feel more like yourself when you want to. You have this youtube family to try and support you any way you need 💚 do what you need to take care of yourself and to get yourself where you need to be. Im hoping you start to feel better soon hun

  22. I can paint the picture of mine… I was angry. With myself and others. But most importantly i was angry with the doctors. We buried our baby. And the doctors told us that our baby was medical waste… And it was a struggle to work with them about getting the remains of our baby. I did get the d&c and it hurt so bad… I couldnt walk at all for 3 days. The doctors i had where not understanding what so ever. So please look up your doctor and make sure they are okay for your family.

  23. Alia I came to your channel for the exclusive breastfeeding serious. And it has been such a helpful thing for me. Seeing you go through this is heartbreaking as I have been in your shoes. Keeping true to yourself, and everything else will fall into place. Taking care of yourself and your family should be top number one priority. Thank you for being so transparent with all of us.

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