hi guys welcome back to my channel today's video is something a little bit different I'm not really used to filming sit-down videos because obviously as you know I'm order of logs sit-down videos to me I just feel awkward to I don't know but it's been almost six months since I lost Ali so I just wanted to film a video on my whole grieving process now I did include a lot of it in my vlogs but this is for the people who don't keep hugging my vlogs every day and just want to care about I guess my experience going through stillbirth and how I dealt with it it's gonna be a kind of long one because I want to make sure I include everything I got a few dot points on what I want to talk about so hopefully it's not all over the place now initially the feeling when I went into the hospital on the way there I felt like I was overreacting and it was just like an inconvenience getting still to come get me getting my mama to watch right yeah honestly thought just everything would be fine and then once I got into the room and they were telling me that it's not looking good or whatever I still was in denial and I remember me and crystal saying to each other like surely they're not let us say that like everything's fine why would they like try and scare me and then I had someone else come speak to me or whatever and kind of like then became real that it's is serious and I'm probably gonna lose him so that's when it kind of became a out-of-body experience it was like it was like I was watching a movie and it was happening to someone else but you can only like it just doesn't feel real that's all I can say like people say they can't imagine going through I literally couldn't imagine it happening to me when it was happening like I don't even know how to explain and then having to tell people you love as well like calling him up and telling him the news is literally like heartbreaking for yourself and you feel like you can't even say those words so I personally I got crystal to talk to Alex a few times because I literally couldn't do it that's how felt when it first all happened and I felt like I needed to let like the nurses know that it's like hey like I'm okay when obviously I wasn't in no it's like no I wasn't either but it became like scary because I didn't know what to expect next like I literally have no idea I had already watched like people's stories on stillbirth and shit I don't know why but I was knowledged on that but I never knew what they have to go through to then after finding out then no it was like I was so scared and I'm trying to like ask the nurses what's next like what happens next and it still never was really clear to me until all happened and then there we go that's what you have to go through they gave me my options to induce labor and I obviously had no idea about any of them I had to ask them to like explain and I didn't know what one was the right one to choose for me because I've obviously never been there so I just had no idea what was best for me to do and so I just went with what I thought was best I went through the whole labor and what people don't understand unless you've been through and I had watched two other stories and I still didn't understand like because you just don't get it until we go through it that it's exactly like a real labor like Oh worse off for me it was my history because I got the epidural is Rider but also worse like emotionally you're not thinking at the end of it I'm gonna get my baby and it's gonna be so worth like to hear them cry and have this whole life ahead with them you're just thinking like I'm going through all this not necessarily for nothing because of the end of the day you get to meet your baby so you get to meet them and then you practically have to say goodbye to them like straight away knowing that they're not coming home with you is probably the hardest thing ever and you're gonna have to say goodbye to them which obviously no one ever wants to say goodbye to their kids like forever when I was in labor I was really in disbelief and it was still like an out-of-body experience and then I still had no idea what was happening around me like Iceland nurses what to expect when do I know he's coming and the heat like couldn't really give me an answer I was all just a waiting game and then I was in intense amount of pain and I was like thinking like I just want him out I just want this whole experience I really it's like I just want to move on or any like it was sorry so he surreal that I was going through that it came time to push and automatically I was scared and I like didn't want to do anymore I didn't want to push him though this whole time I just wanted him out of me but knowing that was all becoming real and I was about to see my baby but not breathing and I had no idea what to expect because the nurses told me like yeah I okay they told me how they thought he would look and it terrified my hair thing I'm not prepared for that um but then as soon as I seen it was like I felt like I should've just made breathing and I thought beforehand I wouldn't want to spend much time with him because I wouldn't be able to deal with the way he looks but once I seen him he was literally perfect to me and I just diagnosed just because he's my know and I've grown him for the time I did or like or if he was like perfect I have no idea I just thought I wouldn't want to spend much time with him but I just I just wanted to be with him in in the moment of holding him I was sorry Saru and I was remember I was just blankly staring at him and thinking like I can't believe this is my baby um think about you what was really really killing me was the full of that I'm gonna have to say goodbye I remember just laying in bed with him staring at him and falling asleep with him had a lot of just one-on-one time with him me and Alex and I left a couple of family members hold him and meet him but they weren't really in the room for that long just because me and Alex had a lot of time alone with him and then if you've been pulling along my story my best friend that was there she lost her little boy and I was still not discharged or anything I still have to speak to like the mental health person I don't know I needed to do a bunch of things and obviously I was just like whatever because of crystal losing her baby as well it was like another big roller coaster of emotions like out in that one short space of time I hadn't even like us at all had it come to this so then because that situation happened Alex had left to go pick up Ryder and like we had to say our goodbyes and I really just because I was slowing down from the whole experience I felt like that I was just not fair with it when I had him and I just wanted to remember every single bit I'm paying every a bit of a motion and I wanted to remember everything to do I like how he felt how he looked I took plenty her photo is if I'm ever grateful I did and I had Krystal take someone I then went to be with Krystal and emotionally I felt like I just wasn't there for her because I just went through like I had just delivered my son in the same day so I was a little bit hard to really feel much I kind of just had to put my feelings aside and then I was trying to be there for her because she had been there for me the whole time he came to the next day and she still hadn't had a sure so and I had been there overnight and the midwife's asked if I'd like to see a light but to just let them know and I was like no I can't because Alice wasn't there so I felt like I couldn't see him for the last time but then at the same time because the way I was feeling the day before I was like I kind of need to see him and just like this one last time to say goodbye he was really dark I actually think the day before a little bit after as well I think so as you can tell it all became kind of a blur all the emotions and everything came a bullet-hole one weekend but I remember had him on the Saturday and on the Sunday so the day after I had to him I felt like I wanted to see him again so they got him it was really hard being in the hospital and knowing he was there just not having him with me and obviously he carries on for so long you're used to them being with you in that it was just I felt empty without him so then I seen him in a room does she like took him to a room for me and I remember just sitting there holding him like venting to them I was like why has this happened to me like why me and I could get up happens just so many people but I just couldn't believe that I was one of those people and cherished every little second with him and I said my final goodbyes and then I went home to see Ryder and I left for the hospital with a box of memories and not my baby and that was honestly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do I remember just sitting in the car and just crying before I drove anywhere because I shouldn't have been leaving with a box I should doing leaving with my baby I've got a dead foot and then I got home and I remember just crying to Alex like I couldn't believe I just like doing the best thing for me to do was remember that his soul wasn't with his body and he was still here with me it's not physically once I had had him it was kind of hard to look at the whole situation in a negative aspect I didn't feel like I was unlucky because then I felt like it was saying having Oliver's lucky and seeing how like perfect tables and everything I just feel extremely lucky that I got that chance to help him and he chose me and like I still had him he was still him but obviously the situation was unlucky so that's what really kept my mind positive is because I loved him and he wasn't a negative at all after I had Olli I had a lot of cramping and I was still sore down there I guess people just don't really think of that when they hear someone's had a stillborn but you're still going through the pain and recovery as if you've had a full-time baby and my milk came in so my boobs are really sore even though I had the tablets I meant to stop it but if it lasts too long thank God I also had suffered from my guilt with although thinking is it's like I did before getting like the results back on what happened I was like is that the soft-serve eye I had just had so many regrets on just little things I don't leave something too heavy at work but I couldn't find myself until it came to getting like the results and I had to wait a little while so know the results but once I didn't know it wasn't my fault at all and how I can prevent it in future pregnancies I felt so much better first few days home I definitely didn't want to go out in public I remember to go to water so I morning and I asked them to come with me and we left like seven o'clock in the morning hoping that just wanted to see anyone because you don't want people looking at you you feel like everyone enjoys what you've just been through even though no one really would and that's you know even then you start with when I think things you literally never thought you would have to organize you have to decide do you want them to have autopsy do you want all that parts returned before things have to get sent up for further testing do you want everything returned before you get them cremated then go to organize legging and cremate it if you're having a funeral service how much it's going to be and another thing I never would have thought about is the cost of a funeral and getting them cremated having them at the cemetery it was like crazy expensive I definitely wasn't expecting that and thank God that I got so much so much support from so many different people like I don't even know how I would have ever been able to afford to give away the service he like deserved without all the people's support like I wouldn't yeah I like about a fella can't lease those out but now when it came to grieving the loss of our YouTube honestly hundred cent helped me so much and obviously the fact that I had Krystal there as well but it did come in our past sometimes the bad we grieved completely different and we had little because they hate each other but at the same time we knew that we were both to screaming and that we do all grieve differently and we just accepted that and we made sure we'll still there for each other 100% my mum was there for me Alex was there for me like having people you love around you helps so much like to be surrounded and distracted kind of by it for writers sake I wanted to go see a therapist just to make sure that I was in the right mental state for him because I have no idea what I was dealing with like I don't I didn't know if I was like hey I didn't know I wasn't okay didn't mean Lange I just had no idea how I felt because I felt so numb so I went it's like – someone pulled my heart out flat ten minutes and then they asked if I had another appointment I said no and they're like or what you better go to the front desk ever book another one see ya next time bye so literally all he said to me ten minute I left and I just called crystal and I was like I cannot believe what I just did and he's absolutely useless YouTube helped me like ten times more than he did and I'm never seeing one of those ever again I mean I probably just got a bad one but it was just not a positive experience for me especially that was already nervous going to see her therapist so I learned that I was in the nor right – they pretty quick so then it came to like I think that's about a week after crystal himself and my mum and Ryder and Ellie of course went to go tree like a stillbirth like a vent type of thing and we got there and we felt sorry out of place like it's like everyone was just looking at us thinking why are you here you look so young and they might not have been thinking that that might have just been like ah anxiousness thinking that's exactly what they're thinking but it was not a nice feeling and at the end of the day that's just I guess this all comes with being a young parent I don't know but this can happen to anyone at any age like as long as you're pregnant you can have a steal but that terrible but it's true and I don't know personally at those top events I just don't feel comfortable I feel I don't even know how to explain it I just won I wouldn't know any out there that like anyone can go through anything like you have no idea what someone's been through and just remember that I also had the stress of work when I had lost I like I was breaking out because I was hundreds and not ready to go back to work and my work was really understanding about it but obviously there's only so much they could do I used my annual leave I used greedman day and a a compassionate leave day as well but yeah that's like as much as they could do and so then I got online and had a look and I found out that I could actually still receive paid parental leave because I was having a hard time at work and I was gonna have hate purlins parental leave with Ollie anyway so I was sorry thankful for that but I still wasn't an active essential so I had to contact like the government whatever and make sure that I could kind of went differently with like a bereavement rather than a normal paper and to leave so yeah I was thankful for that amount of time off I know some people don't get that it honestly helped me so much it's just I think going back to your normal kind of just seems off at first when you're not fully like yourself and I can deal with the fact of having to help and be happy to other people when I wasn't in the right mental state to do that and working and reach out you really need to be like positive basically and it wouldn't be fair so I felt like her son gave me out of shade I would have like broke down right and they would have thought I was a total winner then it comes to the sensitive topic of sharing photos now this was a really hard decision for me because I wanted to show off how my baby looked and I wanted to show off to the world but then at the same time they were very personal and I didn't want one person having a single thought of anything negative towards him so Alex and I came to the decision to keep the photos private we would share them with people who wish to see like family and friends and whatnot but we can't want to just put them out there and people stumble across them not expecting to see that I just don't think that that was something I could have like done but at the same time I really really wanted to so I did share photos of his feet and there's like a cyber ball on my Instagram stories that's like kind of from distance and I just wanted people that that photo is gonna coming up they have spoke about it in my vlog I would like to get their drawing done up with him so I can show everyone what he would like see looked so much alike brighter as a baby and I would just love to show everyone how precious and real like he looks like a baby he just needed some extra chunk on him and he would have looked like a full-term baby and obviously a bit like bigger but other than that has fully formed everything looked like it should moving forward over like an overview of the last few months I've just realized that I feel like I'm a different person after going through what I've been through and it just becomes a part of you that's like a big impact on your life and it's a really tricky thing to explain and there's been a few situations where I've been stuck in the people ask things like how many children do you have like when you have your second little comments like that it's kind of awkward I don't even know oh are you gonna have another one soon obviously they are tricky questions to be asked because if it wants how many children you have you don't want to just say oh I have two but one was still on data go there's a whole story but you don't want to say one because you've got two so I struggle with those a lot and people asking when you're gonna have another because you it's just not that simple for some people and you never know what someone's going through so you just don't ask any of those questions I regret ever asking anyone how many children they have or do they want kids because some people try for the ages and just never get that opportunity or they've gone through miscarriages still worse and just make sure you thinking about that next time you're speaking to someone if someone's pregnant I'll share it with you someone's trying and they want to share that with you they will if someone once they tell you how many kids have got they will and just leave it at that also over the last six months I've tried really incorporating early into my life having things to remember him by but then also not having too much sorry I still have the nursery set up and I'll keep it set up for whenever I have another I have my necklace on still that has an a follow and a rider I have a big image in the land room of like it's like his real size picture type of thing and I've got mindful rider as well so kind of brings me comfort to have and then in the backyard I've got his cross that we had his gravesite temporarily and I look at pictures of him literally every day and his image is always in my head and always thinking of him and I'm not sure he knows that I just love and miss him so much the first week we'll so after I had him I was in like a pretty good place but I could tell my emotions were taking a toll on me I couldn't eat because I just didn't feel like that hungry feeling I was living off energy drink because I couldn't have them when I was pregnant so it was just something kind felt like I wanted so I just kept drinking I wasn't sleeping and normally one that loves going to sleep early and I ended up having to get some sleeping tablets to help me because it was getting to the point where I had double vision like I thought something was seriously wrong so I called the women's assessment and they just said it's from the lack of sleep and not eating the emotions but I was generally so concerned because like I couldn't text or anything they looked so strange but after that week I began starting to get an appetite back and cutting down the amount of energy drinks I was drinking the sleeping tablets I finally got some sleep I need to look them for a couple of nights and I felt back to normal with like my sleeping routine my first night home when I woke up and I didn't have a belly anymore I didn't feel sick I had slept all night without getting up to throw the toilet it was really like a slap in the face of reality like you not pregnant anymore and you don't have your baby so that was a hard morning on my judo I really tried to make myself believe that that date wasn't an important and say he was born was what was important because really the due date is just an estimate of the day they meant to be there but I couldn't help but think on the due date I meant type my baby here and picturing him that day just in my life and around that time that he was meant to be now that I'm six months after having a Larry I feel like it's something that I can't really talk about because I get scared that people are gonna think that I'm just attention second but there's such a big thing in my life and I always want to speak about Ollie he's too much child to be honest it feels just as rural as when it first happened and I miss him so much and it doesn't become any easier it just becomes something that you learn how to deal with so yeah that's all for this video I hope you guys enjoyed and I hope it wasn't true all over the place I'm hoping this at least helps one person out there


  1. Hi Samara grief is so hard to go through. You are so strong and sucha beautiful mother. Sending you so much love.

  2. Omg you are so strong to talk about it after such a short time I know it took me such a long time to share my story, but you have explained it to the tee girl xx

    I take my hat off to you girl, you are so strong!!

  3. Oh and I know you probably had to work up the courage to be able to even make this video Nd it must have been so hard to have to think of every little detail you could to help all us viewers to better understand how you felt and feel today 😔!! You should be so extremely proud of yourself girlie , You really are amazing xoxoxxo

  4. Ok so first of all little lady don’t you ever feel like you can’t speak daily about YOUR SON if that’s what you feel like you want to do , He was and still is YOUR precious son and nobody will say it’s attention seeking or I’ll whack them one in the chops myself 😜!! It’s so so clear in this video that your definitely still suffering so so much pain from losing Arlo and that’s OK!!! I Can’t imagine just how you manage to get up and smile and it’s beautiful and inspirational! I just know that little Arlo would be SO SO PROUD of his beautiful Mummy and he will wrap his arms round you tight when you meet again, I am not a huge Church or Jesus person but I do 100% believe that Our loved ones do go to heaven and they do meet with us again !! Second , I think that you need to stop worrying about what others think Gorgeous, Bugger them ! If anyone has negative crap to try and bring you down with then they actually just look vulgar!! You are amazing , You are Beautiful and You are SO SO KIND!! We are all here for you 19283637399182%xoxoxooxxoxox

  5. So sorry you had togo through this Sweetie… 💔😩 it brakes my heart… you are such a Beautiful Strong Lady, and an amazing Mummy to Ryder 😍💙 your family and friends that love you.. and your Best Friend Crystal..❤️ Big Hugs 😘♥️♥️XOXO

  6. Thank you for sharing this video. I think I cried more in this video than u did 😢😢…
    I know it’s a lot different to wat u went through, but I fell pregnancy wen Chelsea was lik 7, and although I was only like 8/9 weeks, I was ok about it, even wen I had my ultrasound to say that there wasn’t a heart beat and stuff, my big sister was with me (she has 5 kids, that r all in their 20’ s and 30’s now), she cried more than I did. I was like no I’m ok, I’m like, I Don’t need to talk to anyone I’m fine. But then they sent a chaplain in to see me and I was ok. Until I spoke about Chelsea and how I was now faced with telling my poor innocent daughter that the baby in mummies tummy was sick so it had to go to heaven…. Telling Chelsea was the hardest part for me. She was abit Devo until she started to get upset and then said so does this mean she’s not getting a new baby brother or sister?? Then we said yes that we would try again, she was like oh ok and off she went….

    Samara can I just say ur sit down was amazing. I know u said u don’t really like doing them but u did an amazing job & u r so brave, especially given the content. Brave to have sat down and revisited all of those good and sad emotions. I can’t even begin to know how hard that was, only that from one mum to another mum, that breaks my heart 💔 that u had to go through the still born journey with Arlo…. 😢😢😢
    Ur such a wonderful mum and a wonderful friend to have not only been through such a tragedy like this but to have been there for Crystal as well. I’m so sorry for u both that u have such a thing as this to deal with, but happy at the same time, that u r both so lucky to have each other. Such an amazingly beautiful friendship that this has strengthened ur bond and for those beautiful boys that r in heaven together and Ryder and Alvy (sorry if I spelt the boys names wrong)…
    Love and hugs to you hun, u did Arlo proud ♥️♥️♥️

  7. He definitely was perfect! I can’t believe how much he looked like his big brother. Love you xx

  8. I am so glad that you & Crystal have each other & that YouTube has helped you through your grief. Sending you love & light, sweet girl.

  9. You should proudly say I have two beautiful children and leave it at that. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. People should just respect that.
    It’s ok to not be ok. It’s also ok to show emotions you are human.
    Don’t focus on what other people may think because 9/10 we are wrong. Just some people cope with things differently. Thanks for the update.

  10. The changing light in this video is crazy! I think Arlo was there listening to you girl, trying to comfort you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. No one should ever have to say goodbye to their child forever xxx

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