My Miscarriage / Chemical Pregnancy Story



hi everyone so I wanted to make this video for a really long time now and I've made it once before but i deleted it just because i wasn't comfortable with it and I just didn't like how it turned out so I'm going to try my best to make it again and make it in a way where I explain everything and try not to cry at the same time so as a lot of you know I've had to of what they call chemical pregnancies and that is they happened usually before women even find out that they're pregnant or even like things that they're pregnant and with my last one I was only I think three and a half weeks or three weeks five days or something like that and tomorrow it'll be a year since that happened and I don't know it's just really crazy to think that right now I would have a two or three month old and I gotta be a mom but I'm a firm believer and everything happens for a reason and I just hope that one day when I do decide to have kids that it happens I don't know quickly it is a healthy pregnancy it's you know everything that I dreamt of when I got that first positive test with my little bean that's what I called my baby that I had in my stomach where as far as I knew for a couple days and the second that I found out I was pregnant it was I know it's really hard tug well as soon as you see those two pink lines it's like your life just changes and so even if it was just a moment or a day or two days look I did not want to do this my life changed drastically in just those two days and since I had had a chemical pregnancy previously I just remember hoping and praying that it wouldn't happen again and then this one would stick and I would have a sticky healthy baby so last July me and my now eggs were trying for a baby we were living together we both had decent jobs we just thought that was the the next step I knew that I wanted to be a younger mom I didn't want to be I didn't want to wait too long and so it's already having a chemical pregnancy before I don't know what just this weird pressure feels like what if I'm not able to have kids what if I'm not what if it's gonna take a while you know so we've been trying for a couple months and then in July I found out that I was pregnant so I believe I got the positive test on the 21st and I had gotten it on one of those little quick Amazon dip tests and it was actually on like ten days post of and ten days post ovulation or past ovulation or whatever and I looked at it and I seen the small faint line and I was like there's no way you know and been in the back of my head I was like I've never I've never gotten it like pink and so I immediately went and like cried and my mom was there and I was like mom like look there's a faint line and she was like no no like you know it's it's you can't be and I was like okay and so then later on that day we went in into Walmart and I was like well let me get the pink dye tests and let me try first response yeah first response or the result or whatever and so me being impatient I took it in the wall my bathroom and I got the faintest as pink lines but it was a pink light and I've never gotten a pink line on the first response test and I remember I was already starting to feel a little different and a little more tired and I was just like oh my gosh like I'm actually pregnant and so then I was really really excited and since I had already had a chemical before it was really really scary and I just kept thinking like I want to bleed again and I don't like I don't want to see any blood it was just really really scary and so I just kept talking like please please please please please like don't let this happen again immediately like started taking prenatals and everything and I was just really excited and so I was testing every morning to make sure that there was still Laurie and like two days later I noticed that they were they weren't really getting any darker and I started like spotting and it was like really really I would come and it would go and so then I called my doctor and she was like no like that can be normal sometimes that just happens you know and just just keep an eye on it we're pod and see don't think it's big its any heavier and so I just kept doing what I was doing and the blood just started to get a little a little heavier but it wasn't like super super heavy not like the last time the cramps were like there but they weren't like they were with my previous chemical so I was like okay maybe you know it's implantation or whatever and so I just kept trying to be calm and then I believe it was the 24th or the 25th one of those days I can't remember and it's it had to be the 25th but it's a weird feeling to describe because at one one second you you feel pregnant and you feel you feel all this excitement and like you're just ready like I said it soon as you see those two vine your life changes forever and so the bleeding started to get heavier and I just I didn't feel hard anymore that's the best way to describe it it's just that I just did it I didn't feel any of the rail sections I just felt lonely I already knew it was happening with my body and so my doctor I sent her a picture of my test and I was like hey you know they really like but I think that I'm I'm pregnant and she was like okay well let's get you away and this is when I was already bleeding so I pretty much already knew what was happening and it was a guy doctor and I called and she was like well the doctor said that it's not as dark as he wants it to be so he doesn't really think that you could be pregnant and so he wants you to come in and get a urine tests urine tests are not as sensitive as blood but they didn't want to do blood on me because like I said they kind of like the girl who cried wolf because I wanted I wanted it to I want it to happen so bad and I just didn't feel like he believed me so then I reached out to a a woman doctor and I was like hey I know that he won't see me until I get a urine test but I'm already bleeding and I already feel like it's like my baby is leaving my body so is there any way that I can come in and get a blood test and so she was like yeah like come in don't worry about it and so then I was at work so how do you know it's my boss like I had to go and I wait and I got the blood test and then I just went home and I just cried I just sat on the couch and I cried whoo I didn't know what to do this and my mom just what's wrong what's wrong I just told her here I'd know that I know that I'm losing it and I was still waiting to hear back and I just wasn't hearing anything and so I got a call from the doctor and they told me it wasn't my doctor I was just a lady that worked at the lab and I was like hey you know like what are what are my results and she said well I can't tell you if you're pregnant or not and she said but you're measuring at 5ml you and I can't tell you for partner or not but all I can say is I would start taking prenatals if I were you and so I just told her thank you and I hung up the phone and then I really started crying because like I said I already knew what was happening and it just sucked my mom was one of my biggest supporters and it's crazy because talking to her is amazing but it's hard to because she's never really gone through that and so she kid it late and when you see those two lines you just get all these hopes and and dreams and you just constantly wonder to this day like but I've had a son or a daughter would they play sports like I did would they you know do this would they do that and although it's hard and I know it's something that I still had to overcome every day that eventually I will get there and going through what I've gone through already it makes me believe that I can absolutely get through anything that like I said they're at me and I am one of the strongest people that I know and also that I'm very blessed to have the mom and the support system that I do without her other friends family an update that I would have made it through especially students it just is a different type of page and although I was I wasn't even that far along and although the lines were so faint and I was only pregnant for a short time the pain is still there I think about him I heard every single day and it's just one of those things that you just have to take day by day after the second one I really wanted to get tested and just to put my mind at ease because when you go through it it's you automatically go to well it's my body it's my fault what did I do like oh I shouldn't drink a coffee or I shouldn't have done this I shouldn't have done that I really just wanted to get it done just to just to make sure that like I'm okay and that that nothing that I did made it happen and I know that I know that I didn't and I know that sometimes stuff happened but in that moment I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about well let me try to find answers and the only answers that I got from both doctors were that I'm young and it happened and they didn't want to do testing on me that I'm fine and it was one of the most annoying annoying times in my life and if you have ever been to that situation then you know what I'm talking about especially citizens young you're healthy you're fine and at that point in time I just felt well that's the case then why am I not pregnant like I said before I have a firm believer and everything happens for a reason everything that I do that I've done from that point on has been for both of them and I cannot wait for the day when it is my time to be a mom and I know with every ounce of my being that I am going to be a great mom someday and even though now and then we're not the time that eventually and hopefully I will get my time my sister got me this really pretty necklace is with both of the birth stones that they would have had I I try not to wear it too often this is something that's really very special to me and definitely don't want to break it or ruin it and it's just one of those things that I will hold a very dear leave my heart every single day I made this video to help myself and maybe help someone else who's going through it know that you're not alone because it's a really lonely time and I know that I've been there and even if it helps just one person then I feel like the video I did its purpose and also just to let people in on my mind frame and also to let myself know how far I've come because from that point last year ended to this point this year it's been a journey and I'm really proud of myself for making it through what I have and I'm also really excited to see what else my life has in store for me and

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