|My Miscarriage Story and Journey| Raw and Vulnerable


Hey guys! Welcome today! We are going to
talk about miscarriages and I am going to share our story of our miscarriage so
stay tuned! If that’s something you want to hear Hi friends! Welcome! If this is your first
time here, congratulations on finding this channel! I hope it is helpful for
you. If you’re a returning member thanks for coming back! Today we’re going to
talk about something tough and it’s super vulnerable for me because I’ve
never shared it in a platform like this. So alert that this is going to be about
miscarriages so it is heavy it is tough it is my story and I guess we’ll kind of
go at it. My hope with this is to help other people who are struggling with
pregnancy loss, who are struggling to get pregnant, and who I don’t know are just
struggling with pregnancy stuff I guess get to get the story out there maybe so
people don’t feel so alone because as you’ll hear that was kind of a common
theme throughout my journey so yeah we go so um I also feel like I need to add
that I don’t put humor in here because I think this is funny I don’t think this
is funny at all if you’re anybody close to me you know that I have like a super
nervous laugh and smile so if I’m super nervous about something I will have to
say to my loved ones I don’t think this is funny I’m just super nervous but also
I throw humor in to get through life and to get through things so there will be
some humor inside of this I might laugh some or giggle some or whatever that
looks like and it’s not because I think this is funny I don’t at all think this
is funny and you’ll hear on my journey it’s really not funny at all um but
humor is just kind of a way to get through and that’s me so okay so her
backwards rewind so okay my journey starts with I had this
thought for most of my life that I couldn’t get pregnant I don’t know where
it came from I don’t know how it started I have no idea why that thought was in
my mind but from a very young age I remember thinking about mommyhood and
thinking that I wasn’t gonna be able to have kids so who knows it was like God’s
gift to me to have this that I have no idea where it came from but it wasn’t
that so I remember even having conversations with friends like hey I
don’t think I can ever have kids and then having nothing to back up why I
thought that so I think it’s important to know that this has been like a
long-standing thought inside of my mind that I was gonna struggle with pregnancy
so there’s that so my husband and I met when I was 18 years old we worked
together I always joke that our first date was at Subway he clearly didn’t
think it was a date so there’s that um but saw we were young when we met he was
a couple years older than me I was 18 I’d always had a dream of having like a
big happy family right and I feel like I was always a little bit more mature than
my age was and so anyways with all that I felt like I was ready to start having
kids and get married at a younger age than probably most people and I don’t
know if I actually was more mature or if I just thought I was more mature but
either way yeah that’s where we got to how we got to so um my husband I met
when we were 18 we got married when I was 24 24 yes
um and then soon after we got married we decided to try and start having kids I
was like ready ready like I wasn’t ready to be married like before we were
married I was ready to start having kids but where we started having kids so um
yeah I was always like need to get to the next level which has kind of been a
pattern in life for me which Touche for some right so anyways so um we decided
to start trying to get pregnant and it wasn’t like this like we need to have a
baby right now at least I’m pretty sure not for my husband for me I was cool
with it but um so we started trying but things were just weird for me like my
cycle wasn’t regular like I don’t know things just weren’t really quite right
for me they never really had been quite right for me so um after
about a year of trying and not getting pregnant we talked to my doctor and my
doctor talked both of us and said I would like to do some testing will test
both of you to make sure that things are working properly and go from it so we
did testing everything was cool with my husband things were not cool with me
so with me um like I said my cycles were irregular and so they were like hey
girlfriend you don’t ovulate like you’re supposed to and so you’re gonna have a
tough time getting pregnant so they said if you guys are actually ready to have a
baby then you guys should probably try some more monel stuff to try and get
pregnant fertility treatments right and so we were like okay cool and my husband
was like what really like what’s a young why would we need help right now so um I
think we yeah it was a struggle my husband has always been super supportive
and super awesome and amazing but he totally was not like oh sorry husband
I’m sorry my my dearest I’m talking about you but my I don’t think my
husband was in the same place as I was about it so I was like boo hiss it’s my
fault that we can’t get pregnant and he was like hey we’re cool or young
so anyways um we started fertility treatments and we got pregnant the first
time the first time the first month of fertility treatments we got pregnant and
I remember thinking like oh oh shit it happened like no work we’re pregnant now
so I remember being like shocked like I thought I could never get pregnant holy
buckets right yeah so um we got pregnant we told my family I was 6 weeks pregnant
we told my family at Thanksgiving they were so excited it was so fun but I
remember the whole time having this feeling of like I’m pretty sure I can’t
get pregnant and so I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant and I just can’t imagine
that this is real and that this is actually gonna happen and so we went
along with it though we told people we’re excited we announced it we
everything and we would get those reactions of like Oh congratulations how
far along are you and I was like six weeks and there
like oh okay congratulations and I didn’t get it really I was like poopoo
on you like are you not excited for me right so fast forward I about two weeks
and things just weren’t right so I was really really sick to my stomach like
morning sickness and all of a sudden it was gone
and just like I was having to peel out in the middle of the night it was gone
like literally my separate symptoms came to like a cricket and at first I was
like dude this is awesome I can eat whatever I want I’m not stuck anymore
and then I was like oh this doesn’t feel right so um shortly after that I started
bleeding and then new right like I knew my symptoms were gone I was bleeding I
mean I right I mean you know so um I was devastated I was devastated so we called
my doctor and my doctor had me come in for a blood test and the blood tests
confirmed that I was having a miscarriage so I will never forget the
day we got the phone call I just have tears my eyes thinking about it the day
we got the phone call I was standing in the entryway of our house and I saw the
phone number come up and I answered it and my doctor was very kind but told me
that we were miscarry so my husband was standing right there
and he seemed shocked to me like kind of didn’t really know what to say or what
what to do right I mean what words are there for that right I’m sorry I mean I
there really are no words so um and I went upstairs to my bedroom and I
honestly don’t know what I did after that I fell asleep or I don’t know that
I was just so emotionally like told that it just and
so but after that I remember thinking that we were being punished so I have
some religious views that will kind of come in and out of our blogs and I won’t
go like deep into it but my thought at the time sorry I’m
gonna go back my religious views are unique and I don’t know many other
people that have the same religious views as me but so you’re gonna kind of
hear like some God stuff in and out and some stuff that maybe doesn’t make sense
with your religion or whatever that looks like right but um so just bear
with me and stuff I’m still searching so um I remember thinking though that we
are being punished and we’re being punished by God because we forced it
because it wasn’t time to have a baby and I was so gung-ho that I wanted to
have a baby that I did fertility treatments and that it wasn’t the right
time it wasn’t our time to have a baby and that that was our punishment and so
saying that now is so sad to me come on I mean really but I was so deep and so
dark and like how could this happen to me there must be a reason this happened
to me that was supposed to be our baby I had hopes and dreams for that baby that
baby was inside me right and so there must be some reason that that baby was
taken away and then so that took a lot of working through for me and then I
also remember thinking oh so that’s why people gave me that shocked look when I
told him I was six weeks pregnant and then that converted over to anger of
well that’s not fair because even if I was only six weeks or eight weeks
pregnant that was still a baby inside of me and so it was tough it was really
tough all mixed with the shame of like I was really young and thinking like maybe
I wasn’t deserving of being pregnant then so as you can
tell a lot of like really negative self-talk but that was reality for me at
that time it was really really hard for me at that time to find anything
positive really if you will it was just a dark dark time and so I didn’t really
have friends I had kids I didn’t have friends that were trying to get pregnant
my like group of people that were like me was thin I mean it was almost
non-existent so I don’t have many people to talk to about what was going on so it
was a really really really lonely time and so somehow my husband I cling on to
each other and we got through it and quite honestly that part of life is just
um like kind of a blur if you will like I don’t remember much I remember going
to work after finding out and be bitter and like hearing people’s problems and
being like get over it like you’re mad about paperwork like okay I wasn’t a
therapist at this point I feel like I need to add that here
it wasn’t the therapist at this point um I was actually working for the military
full-time moment I’m a veteran and thinking like you guys are upset about
paperwork like I just had a miscarriage like I’m actively miscarrying right now
and you guys are complaining about that stuff I mean I remember being really
bitter to people and so um it took time it took time to heal and get through and
work through emotionally and lots and lots and lots of work and kind of
working through those and those negative beliefs I had like I was being punished
and I was too young and I wasn’t worthy and you know there was a lot to be
worked through and so um yeah I mean that was kind of my tough my tough
journey I feel like I need to remind everybody that this is my view of this
story this isn’t my husband’s view or any Outsiders people’s view this is just
straight mine and so if mine skewed it doesn’t mean other people’s needs to be
skewed or anything like that but that’s where I was at so um I feel like
I need to create the happy ending for this because it is a happy ending but
that is a part of me and who I am and what makes me think ways that I think
and that’s what got me here today and I believe that’s what helps me work with
other people who have suffered loss and who have had miscarriages and who have
had hopes and dreams ripped from them when they weren’t expecting it or
prepared for it but so moving forward my husband and I did I decide to continue
with fertility treatments when I got to a point of recognizing that I was worthy
and that this wasn’t something done to me as a punishment and that
unfortunately one in four women or one in four pregnancies does end in
miscarriage and so it’s a common thing that many of us suffer through and that
a lot of times is unspoken so we pushed through we did another round of
fertility treatments and we got pregnant again
on our second fertility treatment journey and we had a beautiful spunky
fabulous huge piece of my heart little girl named Peyton and she’s four now and
so after that we got pregnant again with her son without fertility treatments and
his name is baron and he is a year and a half now so please guys the journey can
be tough the journey can be treacherous the journey can be lonely and we can
have a lot of self-talk that isn’t accurate or true so if you are going
through something like this please know there are therapists out there that are
certified that have done lots of training who have a huge heart to work
with other women who have gone through fertility treatments or miscarriages
early miscarriages late term miscarriages stillbirths all that stuff
there are people highly trained and that their heart is in it to work with these
people to work with people like you if you’ve gone through this
so please please please reach out if you’re in the beginning stages the later
stages the unknown stages the oh my god I can’t have kids I don’t think I can
have kids but I’m only 14 so I don’t really know that for sure right if
you’re in any of those stages please please please find somebody to talk to
because the journey does not have to be as lonely as it could be without so take
care please comment below if you have any other videos that you’d like me to
speak on or any other topics you want me to speak on thank you for listening to
my vulnerable a journey and my vulnerable story that I have not shared
with a big group before thank you thank you thank you and have a good day bye
guys

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