alright here's my eyes hey guys so today's video is going to be a little bit different as you can tell by the title if you're new to my channel my name is Brianna and I have a beautiful 8 month old almost a month old baby boy named blaze but our first baby we actually miscarried we had a missed miscarriage that baby would have been born their due date was July 22nd 2018 so this should be going up on July 22nd 2019 in honor of what would have been their first birthday so I'm going to try and make it through this video without crying but I have wanted to do a video for a long time about this I think it's important for me to have it on video the whole story so I can look back and you know show blaze and any other kids that we have one day also I have met so many amazing people and connected with their stories because of being open about my miscarriage I just know that connecting with others and telling her story such a huge part of healing it was for me at least so there is hope and I believe that God is good and my rainbow baby is proof of that and I know that I will get to hold my baby again one day so before I start crying let's get into the story so in September of 2017 my husband and I kind of started talking about having kids and what that would look like and we had decided that in January of 2018 it would be a new year we would go off birth control and just what happened we didn't want to start out really like trying and likes to get to schedule and like all that kind of stuff like we just wanted to see if it could happen just by not trying to prevent it if that was possible I just didn't want to be stressed naturally about a month later in October I was dead set like let's go ahead and start trying let's Golf birth control so we talked about it and he still was like very adamant about just waiting until January and then lo and behold one day we're watching baby driver and he pauses the movie and looks at me and goes I think you should just not get your birth control refilled and to this day we still don't know what it was in that movie what scene what happened don't know but that's just where he decided we should not get birth control refilled and so we did it so fast forward to November and I am just on high alert and just wanting to be pregnant so bad I start taking pregnancy tests like a week before my period is even supposed to start way too early and I keep getting negative test after negative test and finally I just give up I'm like okay not pregnant I was just so sad about it and I ended up being late for my period but since I had been on birth control for years that took that away I didn't really know what to expect so I just didn't think much about it and it was supposed to happen on a Sunday and the hot Monday like a day and a half later it was Monday night so kind of two days I get home from work nick is out of town for a business trip and it just kind of all hits me I'm like oh yeah it's like almost two days at this point like what is happening and so I text my friend Kelsey who had just told me the month before that she was pregnant and I told her what was going on and I was like but I have already taken like four pregnancy tests and they've all been negative and she was like you're taking them way too early like you're late now go take a test I have like one first response tests left and I go and take it and I remember sitting there as I'm waiting and I'm like literally praying God just please don't let me be disappointed I know I'm not pregnant like help me and just you know stay focused and stay positive and just not be mad at you and time was up and I look at the test and there were two lines and I immediately fell to the ground and just started crying I was so happy and my mind was racing like I could not even I couldn't even tell you what I thought but all I know is 30 minutes later after I had gathered myself enough I went to Walmart and bought two more packs of pregnancy test I think I ended up taking like two or three more that night the next day I went and bought stuff to tell Nick which was so cool but also so hard because I had to wait a full 24 hours and I had been texting my friend Kelsey a my friend Allie about everything until I took the test and I'd always told Nick that I was going to tell him first when I was pregnant and so they're like texting me like hey what the test say like are you pregnant what's up and I just had to ghost them so of course they knew but it was like super funny and it was super hard I couldn't tell anybody and so the next night when they got home I had a surprise like box waiting for him to tell him it was the happiest I've ever seen him I was so happy and it was just it just great it was blissful it was perfect and it was perfect timing it was right before Thanksgiving we were going to see Nick's side of the family both his sets of like grandparents and aunts and uncles and then we were for Christmas we're going to get my family because we were doing Christmas with my family we were gonna get them presents that announced it and then for the day after Christmas we were going to Europe to see Nick's brother who lives overseas and we never get to see him so we were to tell him and my sister-in-law and it was going to be amazing I grew up knowing about miscarriage as my mom had two miscarriages I just I just knew about that but the second that I got pregnant I can honestly say like that never even entered my mind and I think now part of it was because like I had never heard of a Mis miscarriage so in my mind if if I had a miscarriage like I would know it like I would know that I was losing the baby my body would like let me know but that is not what happened so you know I go I get confirmed that I'm pregnant at the doctor I have an appointment for just a regular exam not an ultrasound with a midwife and then everything was fine and at nine weeks we went in for our first ultrasound and by this point we had already told and thanks whole side of the family it was amazing like I was having morning sickness and you know just I was pregnant we went in for the nine week ultrasound and Nick and I both left from work so we drove separately and we got there and I had to drink the glucose drink and they were going to draw my blood afterwards go in and we see the e-tec and immediately we see on the screen when they do ultrasound we see our baby and I didn't know what I was looking for but it was it was a baby like it was very clearly baby and I lit up and he was like I think so which was such a weird answer but I still don't think I I thought anything yet I was just so excited like it was it was there and I knew that they would be looking for the heartbeat I thought we would see something like that would chart it but I didn't know that we were supposed to hear it so the tech is looking and looking and me and nicker just smiling at each other so happy and and then the tech starts asking me questions and he's assured your last period date and I was like yeah and he was like if you had any pain or bleeding and I was like no when he asked that I knew something was wrong and then he said are you supposed to see a doctor after this today and I was like I mean I don't know I'm supposed to get my blood drawn for the glucose and he was like okay I'll be ok and he leaves through him and he doesn't say anything and he leaves and Nick's just still smiling and and I just looked at Nick and I was like something's wrong and so nurse comes in and she's like okay honey we're gonna go to a different room and I was like is something wrong and she was like I can't say anything they'd take us to room and I just heard sobbing so we waited for 45 minutes and you can honestly say it was the longest 45 minutes in my entire life like I went through 23 hours of labor with my son and I just look like I'm crying I can't there no way around it I'm sorry the doctor comes in and it's a doctor I've never seen it he comes in and he just says so your baby's not alive anymore it was but it's not it doesn't have a heartbeat so we can send you home something to speed up the process I'm sorry what stupas send me home was something what do you mean and so we're trying to ask questions and heileen dick is like can you go check Lee can you go do an ultrasound and he says no our tech is really good and he looked for a long time and so he was like we can send you home with something I was like I'm not taking anything and he was like okay well you had to come back and like a week can do a scan whatever we knew like we were never going back to that doctor ever again sake part was we had to drive home separately because we drove there from work and that car ID and that 45 minutes in the doctor's office were to the lowest moments of my entire life like the most pain I've ever felt I got home and I text my small group and I text my friends Kelsey and Allie and Nick called his parents and I couldn't tell my parents cuz that even know I was pregnant because we were waiting for Christmas and I was telling my friend Kelsey who's a PA and I was telling her like everything that it kind of happened and she was just like sound right like did they the doctor didn't come back in and do an ultrasound on you like he just let the tech and I was like yeah and then somebody else was like they didn't draw your blood like they should have drawn your blood to check your HCG levels like have you come back in two days and monitor them and I was like no they didn't do anything it was literally one ultrasound and that was it and so everyone we talked to were like you need to get a second opinion and so we it was a Friday by the way I think I forgot to mention that that was a Friday and so we had to wait an entire weekend and we mourned and grieved while load and we prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and we had so much we were like I think this might be like it's just a mistake like it's just a mistake he was just wrong he was an idiot he was a jerk like whatever so we find someone that our crappy insurance would take and I call on Monday all right when they open and I got like beg the lady to let me get in and she does and so Nick is asleep and it's before I go to work and my appointment was gonna be that afternoon and I I sat in our living room just praying and that whole weekend I had so much hope and just was trying to make myself feel better because it was too much pain and I remember praying and there being a point where in my heart I just it was this overwhelming like you've got to give him to me I give this baby to you like his baby's yours and I give this baby to you and I felt God like and I did I knew and I still like Oh like in my heart I knew so we went into the doctor he did i transvaginal ultrasound which by the way back hang out with the first ultrasound I think I just did my stomach like when he couldn't find a heartbeat he didn't do it transvaginal a or anything like that so this doctor did transnationally and he could find a heartbeat so then he sent us to the hospital and said okay they're gonna go check and he'll get back to me so we went to the hospital to like the radiology is where you do an ultrasound and they did transvaginal II and on top of your belly and it took I mean like at least probably about an hour ish like they were super detailed and they couldn't find a heartbeat so we went back in like the next day for consultation and I would dr. I was like okay because I told him like what had happened with the other doctor and he was like you are so far along I would never send you home with medicine to pass this on your own so he explained my options and he said that a DNC was the route but he said you don't have to do anything right now and we were so thankful for that because we just weren't ready I couldn't do anything without knowing a hundred and ten million percent that my baby was gone and it was hard because it was like my body wouldn't let go and so we were supposed to go to Europe at this point like the like in less than a week and he examined me and he was like everything looks intact I think you'll be fine but if you start to miscarry go to the emergency room like they can do a DNC anywhere so we went and two weeks later we went back to the doctor and he was like so what happened in Europe I was like nothing and he was like nothing at all like no bleeding knew cramping or anything no like I was still full pregnancy symptoms too so he did another ultrasound which we were super thankful for again and the baby had shrunk and at that point we scheduled a D&E and I remember being prepped for that and I was in like the pre-op room and everyone was so sweet and anesthesiologist came in and like told me I'm so sorry for my loss he grabbed my hand and was just like I'm so sorry and we're gonna take good care of you today and everyone was just so sweet I just remember crying so much because I had to fill out this paperwork the paperwork was like mother's name father's name it just hit me I was filling that out like my mom you just don't think that you'll fill out that kind of paperwork I was like mother whose mother his father and not be taking a baby home I'm so thankful for Who I am because I was able to be a part of their life before just like a tiny amount of time after we had our DNC it took like six ish weeks for my body like I realized I wasn't pregnant that's at least how my doctor explained it to me and when I went in for my checkup he was like once you get your next cycle you guys can start for a baby right away we ended up just pretty much doing the same thing as we did with our first baby and we're just like wait let's just not permit and lo and behold a month later we found out that we were pregnant with our miracle rainbow baby blaze so there is hope for a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage there's hope for healing and the hurt never goes away it just isn't it has easily at the surface and it isn't as raw but I love being open about my pain and about my experience because I just feel like when you can connect with someone about their story like it makes people feel like they're not alone and I felt like I was on an island I felt like something was wrong with me I remember apologizing to Nick over and over and over again and saying I'm sorry I lost your baby even though it clearly wasn't my fault it felt like my body failed me and felt and our body failed my husband and my baby but it didn't it did it wasn't my fault and I know I just I can help give someone hope for successful pregnancy afterwards beautiful afterwards and not because you have forgotten what you went through or your baby because trust me I have that I got a tattoo honoring my baby it's the letter C the letter J with a heart because we did end up naming that baby even though we didn't know the gender we just felt like it was something that we wanted to do to help us heal so I very much have not forgotten it's we think about that baby all the time like we talk about that baby all the time and we still live our lives to the fullest so you can't have both you can have a beautiful life without you know feeling that hurt 24/7 and without letting it wreck you and I don't know there's just there's just hope so if you have gone through miscarriage and are watching this then I would love to hear from you because I just I I think connecting with moms who have gone through similar things is just such a beautiful way to I don't know just not be alone in this so and if you're a friend or family member that is watching this thank you for watching I know it can be awkward and hard when it's someone that you know and it's a painful story so that's it that's all I have that's the story of our beautiful angel baby I love so much happy birthday little angel

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