My Postpartum OCD/ Anxiety Story|Lunababyvlogs

I wanted to come and share a very important video with you guys I wanted to come and share with you my postpartum OCD and anxiety story this has been one of the hardest videos I've had to film here at Luna baby blog so far but in order to help someone else and in order to bring hope to another person I wanted to really share my story so before I get started I wanted to share a little bit of postpartum OCD with you guys it's an obsession also called intrusive thoughts which are persistent repetitive thoughts or mental images related to the baby these thoughts are very upsetting and not something the woman has ever experienced before that's the obsession part of it compulsive where the mom may do certain things over and over again to reduce her fears and obsessions this may include things like needing to clean constantly checking things many times count or record things a sense of horror about these obsessions and moms that have postpartum OCD note that their thoughts are bizarre and are very unlikely to act on them so that is the part of postpartum OCD the part of postpartum anxiety for me was having the OCD so what what caused anxiety was the thoughts and the obsessive behavior that my mind was creating that is what led to me experiencing anxiety I have never suffered with these things not after until I was pregnant a little bit and then it went crazy at my two months postpartum with baby Anna Lee so with Kayla my older child who was 5 I never experienced anything like this so with Anna Lee this was something new and something I have never even heard of so at the beginning everything started when I was about 8 weeks pregnant I started to get these very bad thoughts that something bad was going to happen to Kayla my daughter or to Henry my husband and I was just getting very anxious from these images and these thoughts and I just thought that it was my hormones around my second trimester we've went through a little bit of preterm labor and that brought a lot of stress and that also brought a lot of more bad horrible thoughts of something bad happening to Annalee in my womb and that's why around that time I stopped making videos because I was just so upset and anxious all the time and I didn't want to be alone ever so when we moved in with Henry's on they really helped me keep my mind busy and so around the third trimester my mind was also very busy with coming back home and setting things up for the baby and just preparing for everything I had to do so at that time I was normal again and these thoughts were just not there anymore so after I gave birth to Annalee I had a little bit of the baby blues I would just cry a lot I wasn't sleeping well wasn't eating well I was a little anemic and I was just not taking care of myself as well as I should and I think a lot of that has to do with me trying to be a good mom and trying to not feel guilty about not doing certain things with them or doing certain things with Kayla because she was my older child so when Anna Lee would take a nap I would not nap at all I would just try to give my time to Kayla because I felt a lot of guilt through this process and I just felt that I wasn't being the mom that I should be to my kids around the first month when the six months postpartum ended I knew that what I was feeling and these thoughts were not just baby blues because in the middle of the night I would wake up a lot and to make sure annalee was breathing I would do this a lot I would actually set an alarm to go ahead and check to see if she was breathing and I would just panic and think the worst that something bad was always gonna happen also a lot of times Henry would help me clean and he would help me you know things with the baby but a lot of times I would push him away because I wanted to do things my way this was more of the part of my obsession I would wash channelings bottles about ten times with two different kinds of soap because I just kept thinking that something bad was gonna happen all the time at that time I was also trying to go more green and to use chemical free products in my home so I kind of went crazy and threw all the chemicals away and I bought things that were more eco-friendly and less chemical like wise so that's kind of what I was feeling with OCD one whole month I was very silent about what was going on I never spoke about it not when I was pregnant I just told my midwife at one appointment and I started to cry she told me it had a lot to do with my hormones and me being away from my mom that I just needed a little bit of more support so with Kayla's pregnancy I had my mom through everything and I think with Anneliese pregnancy I just really needed my mom I had Henry had been super supportive and also my dad and my stepmom were very supportive through the pregnancy and Henry's on an uncle but I just always wanted my mom and I think that's what was the biggest part the hardest part of you know having another baby and not having her here so at my two months postpartum I just broke down I was coming up the stairs with Annalee I had a horrible image in my head of her falling and I just couldn't take it anymore I ran to the room and I started crying and I started to tell myself why are you feeling this am I going crazy is this really what what's happening to me because I had such a supportive husband we were trying to have an elite kayla was not a planned pregnancy and Annalee was so I would just think to myself why this time I was just having these horrible thoughts and why I was feeling this way so I ran to the room and I started crying Henry walked in and he asked what was wrong with me and I just told him the scary thought the horrible intrusive thought that I had had and he just reminded me that I was a good mom that I was doing the best I could for my kids and that he had not chose anyone else to have his kids with and with me and he was just very strong for me and he held me and he told me that it was my hormones and that everything was gonna get better that same week I decided to read more about it and I knew that what I had was not early postpartum depression because I have heard a lot of things about it where you hate your kids where you're sad where you cry where you can't get out of bed where you think you look bad and you don't like yourself or you hate yourself or you hate your baby and none of those things were things that I was feeling at all so I was feeling very happy and I was not feeling sad at all the only times where I would cry were right after the thoughts and right after feeling anxious and having lots of anxiety so I knew that what I had was not really postpartum depression I went to the website baby center where it talked about the different things of post-prom depression that's where I learned about postpartum OCD postpartum anxiety postpartum depression that's where I learned that I had postpartum OCD / anxiety and I decided that it was time for me to get help for me to talk to someone and to speak up I had already talked to Henry but his support was very strong but I just needed medical help because I was feeling very insecure of myself around the kids I would get out of the house every single day and as soon as Henry would get out of work that's when I would come home so a lot of the times when Annalee was a baby I would just go oh go out I would go to the store I would go to relative's houses I would just did not want to be home I just felt very uncomfortable being alone with the kids after that I remember I was very nervous about calling and I was very nervous about getting help because I thought that I was going crazy and that someone would take my kids away and they would lock me up or things like that so I was trying to be strong for my kids and I knew if I needed the help that I needed to speak up but I remember I called the hotline and this is the postpartum depression hotline here in New Jersey I told them what I was feeling and the lady told me the first thing she told me was that I was a great mom for picking up the phone and making that call it was the hardest phone call I had ever had to make but they got me a referral to a medical center where I went and I met a therapist who has helped me be where I am now and I think for my recovery there was three main things that really helped me through the whole thing the very first thing was my husband his support and his help was just tremendous and I don't even know how to thank him the second thing was talk therapy just talking to my therapist and help on how to cope with what I was feeling and the third thing was God I got closer to God and I started to feel that I had a calling that I wasn't just going through this because I was going through it I felt more of a desire to hell others after I have somewhat recovered and I thought to myself that I was never going to be silent about it that I was going to share my story with the people that needed it and I don't know why it's been so hard for me to sit down and make this video with talk therapy I would just talk about my thoughts I would just talk about my emotions I would just let it out I would cry and I would feel better my therapist also was a big believer in God I'm gonna get a little bit spiritual right now so if you guys don't believe or if you guys don't want to listen to this part you can just scroll down a little bit the night before I went to my therapy I prayed to God that I wanted him to be there with me through this process that I wanted him to help me through this journey and so I prayed I went to sleep the next morning I got ready and I went to my first therapy session as I'm sitting down getting ready to talk to my therapist I look over to a dry erase board where there is a Bible first that just said I will handle your anxieties and your worries and just leave everything to me something on the lines of that I'm really not sure exactly what it said but at that time I just knew that God was there with me and that this was a calling that I had that I just had to go through and that he was going to be there and he was never gonna let me down so with also me getting very spiritual with God I started to read a book it's called the battlefield of the mind I started to also listen to more Christian radio stations and get closer to God with praying and really understanding what I had my therapist showed me ways to cope with my thoughts and with my obsessive behaviors she just gave me little therapies to do each week whenever I would get a bad thought I've ever replaced that bad thought with a good thought so if I he thought I would just say I have a beautiful family beautiful children and God loves me and that helped me through this journey I have also discovered myself as a person a little better I am a very anxious person and I think that's just something I'm going to deal with the rest of my life I wanted to find a way to help myself cope with it and I think I've have found several ways on doing that with the positivity with getting closer to God with just being more positive in my life one of the hardest memories I have through this journey I also wanted to share this because it's very important was one night I was feeling super super anxious after having an intrusive thought and I was so determined to breastfeed annalee and to never quit breastfeeding I was super anxious and I was breastfeeding her because she had woken up in the middle of the night I think that night I didn't sleep the whole night and I thought to myself I am the worst mom even though I'm breastfeeding I feel that she feels my anxiety I don't know why I felt that way also as I was doing a little research I found something that is very beautiful and actually says that women who deal with this postpartum OCD and anxiety our mommies just that are very overprotective of their kids and are trying their best to be so protective that their mind is playing with them that's something that is always going to happen but they are the most loving and caring moms out there and that is something I always try to remind myself that when I get these bad thoughts that I'm just being a protective mommy and I know that I truly love my kids and I would never do anything to hurt them okay so I'm very happy to say that now I do not go to talk therapy anymore I have found ways to cope on my own and I am very happy of where I am in my life I could say that this has been a journey and this has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life I had never dealt with something so hard something I could not control and something that I was taking over me and I am super happy to say that now these feelings never come back and sometimes when I start getting these thoughts not the same thoughts that I used to get before but even if I ever get this not a bad thought that something will happen I just remind myself that I have to live day by day and that God is taking care of everything for us I also try to see what is causing me to have these thoughts I feel that if I haven't taken my vitamins haven't ate well haven't slept well and I'm just any very cranky mood this feelings and this anxiety seems to come more and I just want to give a big thank you to my husband if you're watching I said I seriously don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you and thank you for always being there and also helping me when you knew I was going through it just listening and holding me and always reminding me that I was being silly and just being strong for me when I wasn't strong for myself or when I wasn't being strong for my kids I love you ok guys so that's it for this video thank you so much for watching thank you so much for your support

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