My Pregnancy & Miscarriage story

hey guys welcome to my bathroom new new view and so I just got home from babysitting cat's meow at me I ordered a bunch of pregnancy tests online on Amazon because they're cheap and so I'm about to take the first one I don't know if it's gonna be positive or negative I don't know if I will be pregnant or not I don't know um I haven't missed my period yet I have to start for a few more days so let me see if I can get this open sure sorry so it's just one of these little cheese strips okay yeah he put the backside down here a count five seconds should be and give it five minutes that's a long time okay I'm just gonna sit here eat my banana with Paisley well we wait we still have three more minutes but basically I say and I'm not really having a lot of like symptoms or anything um we've just kind of been trying it's like I'm really excited I'm like I wanna you know let's get the show on the road and I mean I've been nauseous Li every day like not like throwing up like after I eat some things like I just my stomach just like it's queasy you know but it also happens to me when I'm having anxiety oh sorry and I don't know like I don't have any specific I mean I guess I kind of do we're like in the process of moving like I have a reason to be anxious but I do a little bit I just don't know yeah I don't know okay next we'll see what the results are okay sorry I looked at it without um having the camera on I just attempt to look expecting that side a minute left but I'm just confused I'm thinking I'm assuming this is negative because it's like I'm using pink like the second one's white the pink backdrops that's just another yeah I'm assuming that it's there's nothing stuck there I'm gonna do one more but for I'm just gonna say it's negative okay if anything changes all you know but see you next time okay hi guys I'm just gonna pop in here really quick i'ma try to be quiet um so it is Tuesday last X test I took my video that was lost when today there were negative today was my must period I took a test morning and I put it on the side in the bathtub and then I heard Mason come home so I like stuck it behind a shower curtain and I forgot about and like 10 minutes later Mason was like oh what's this and I told him what it was I just tried to play it off from the campsite like a single bit okay was there wanted to I she was like oh there's one okay cool it's negative or whatever and then he got into I got in the shower and sorry he really likes look at yourself find the shower and I went to throw the wake he was like I'm watching that and I looked at it and there was a very faint blind okay like very and so it was like five minutes past when it was really ready in five minutes it was like five minutes plus the time was gonna be ready so I took everyone and I couldn't see the line as much so we're just like okay like it's not it's negative all this I'm just gonna take another one tomorrow it's negative but now that I'm sitting here like it's like way later than a it's like 2:30 and I look I think in my knee so that's why I'm just making this video good morning I don't know I mean this weekend's Father's Day so it'd be perfect okay guys it's the next day it's Wednesday the next Wednesday so it's you know one week apart I'm like in the middle of my makeup process that's why Wilder he goes I don't know why I didn't pick up my camera I took two more tests there's definitely something definitely something definitely another line they're just some of the cheapies from Amazon so now I'm doing a first response I don't know I did one yesterday too and the line was even lighter than the like I was like barely even like the edges but the other do definitely have something on it and I was sure to recorded it I mean I really don't have much of a reaction because I'm just kind of I'm just always denied I feel like I understood shock like I feel like I don't know baby won't whine look it you whine yeah okay – this first response yeah so I'm saying that the first response is supposed to be you know earlier than these but those definitely have lines I will insert a picture if I figure out how after this clip screw first response yeah I mean I guess that's it as of right now I'm gonna say that I'm pregnant some days fathers days that's when I will tell Mason thanks I'm gonna try and wait till then you know there might be an eclipse that I wasn't that good see I was just kidding that pregnant but I'm like okay like although they definitely have lines this one this one just doesn't and it's different one so okay guys well okay so I went so I was just kind of like worried because lost today is my line hasn't really gotten any darker I was just like this is really hard for me to believe that you know and so I you know I was waiting again to test in the morning for today started doing assess every morning because the lines have just been so faint so I took one this morning and it was still super faint but it definitely was like more noticeable and so I have this digital one that I've had for a long time and I know I didn't record anything because I really just think I expected this at first of all say not pregnant because it's a digital on it I feel like they just need more hormones like for them to work out and I think I always heard that they're not as sensitive in systems by lying was so faint and I was like I'm not gonna take this until I have a really clear line um mine wasn't even like super clear but I was thinking I'm gonna take it anyway like it's there and it's tiny bit darker and stick it okay that's definitely upside down Mason oh my gosh no no I'm just sorry guys I literally crazy like I rolled out of bed and took these tests like I haven't done anything yet no sure there's that definitely pregnant yeah it's great all right bye okay hi guys um hey I guess this is a video I never thought that I would make any I don't have to make this video I guess I could have just deleted the rest of the clubs from this journey and acted like nothing never happened but you know miscarriage and infertility and child loss it's just kind of taboo and it's never talked about so I figured I would take my experience to talk about it because I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who is experiencing these things and you know they just I don't I don't want people to feel alone so I guess putting this out there just somebody sees this and they just experience and it's great I just don't people think that they're alone because it sucks okay just I guess you've already seen all the clips of me finding out I was pregnant it is now July 6th I believe she had time has passed especially since I made the last clips today is Saturday we're currently stationed in North Carolina my wit will run from Texas and my parents came to visit us they got here June 25th and at the time I do 25 I was six weeks five days or something you know just just about seven weeks and so since my parents were in town we were gonna tell them that hey we're pregnant because they were gonna be we're gonna see him in person and we probably wouldn't see them in person again until the baby was born because I wouldn't be able to travel because I would have been too far along during Christmas time to travel so yeah anyway I was like yeah like let's tell him so they are here on Monday the 25th 26 to za that was their anniversary so they went out to dinner so when they came home you know we like I told them it was great and the very next day I don't know if I should go into detail I just started I had I had a feeling I was miscarrying um you know I started spotting and I just throughout the day I was getting basically contractions on and off I just tried to play it off I did and I would like I went outside I was in Tim 9:10 a.m. I went outside made the phone call to my doctor be like hey I think it's happening this is what's going on they went ahead and scheduled me for an ultrasound for the next morning oh I have my days waiting mixed up yeah they got it on Tuesday Wednesday was their anniversary it doesn't matter we went to is their anniversary Thursday I miscarried Friday I went to the doctor anyway so yeah Thursday night Thursday all day I was just in pain and it just slowly got worse worse worse and then at nighttime you know 10 11 o'clock it was just I mean the worst pain I've ever experienced and then it was just like it went away out of nowhere I don't know what time it was by then and I would sleep that was it it was over didn't I I didn't know what it happened I knew it had to be a miscarriage but I hadn't passed anything large so I didn't know the next morning I got up and it was very obvious that I had miscarried I still went to my doctor's appointment I was at 9 a.m. I still went just to kind of verify it um and so yeah they did an ultrasound I was like gasps so here's where you notice a clip in your kind of bleed for the next week or two so sorry yeah that's it I mean that's it I mean they scheduled me for an appointment in five weeks technically like four weeks so I think I know what for and then they gave me a thing to go to the hospital yeah the hormones checked in four weeks um just to make sure that they're lower it all the way past Rose sorry dog-sitting uh-huh yeah I mean that's that my parents are here for a vacation we told them hey you're gonna have your first grandchild and then six days gone yeah it's just it's a lot I mean we were trying I did video I parents and my husband's reactions but I don't think I'm gonna put them in here it's just too much for me sorry hold on I find the vine I just okay I just want to I just want to be able to share my emotions you know obviously without showing them too much just wait this process but I just and I guess you know why posting this so many people are gonna know not even ten people knew I was pregnant like I knew like I knew yes like it's a miscarriage is always a possibility you know it's so common you know don't tell people you're pregnant till you're out of the safe zone laughs so I just I I didn't I didn't tell anybody I was I told you know my close friends that's it and then I got to my parents and that yeah that lasted about a day but you know I'm glad I'm off right you know they were here my mom was here to come for me and that made things better but it's just really hard whenever you start planning this whole like the idea of this whole entire life like you imagine who that who this baby's going to come you know and then it's just like you wake up one day and that's just not a thing anymore like yeah like oh just kidding you're not pregnant like it's just hard because you do you prepare yourself to bring this life into the world and you carry this life or even if it's just a few weeks and that's another thing I see is I've been reading a lot of blogs and just a lot of things you know just trying to cope with things and apparently it's bringing up it'll be like oh boy you know you weren't just think that if you weren't very far along it's not that big of a deal but it is it still is so if you're going through this it doesn't matter how far along you are it doesn't matter if you were five weeks 12 weeks you know it's hard no matter what it is hard because this is something that you prepare yourself for and you are planning to be a mother you're planning those little life that is inside of you to grow it to grow and to grow and you're gonna get birth and you're gonna have a child and you're expecting at me my due date was February I was saying I had a letter board I had baby burns February 2020 a light and then I haven't even taken the letters and the numbers off of that board game because I can't bring myself to even touch it I want to look at it um you know I've always said like yeah I'm terrified of bugs but whenever I'm like seriously talking you people how about you know what their biggest fears are I have always said that my biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant and we were he didn't try for very long six months total but he was gone for three months of it so you know we barely tried for three months and so when we got pregnant I was so excited I was like I've always had this irrational fear I have no reason to think that I'm young I'm healthy like I've no reason think that but now I am terrified to get pregnant again because I'm terrified of another loss sorry the dogs just perked up there's really weird and I hate that a knife and I've read that that's a very common a lot of people that they're scared to get part of it again they're scared when they get pregnant again they're gonna experience another loss and so if anybody has any anything on that you know what they I don't know just if they've experienced something like that what they did to try and reassure them because I don't want to go through another pregnancy and be filled with anxiety and not be able to be excited because I'm terrified that I'm not gonna get to keep my baby you know I had like a whole lot of thing like things that I've been like going over in my head all day I was gonna talk about and I just can t remember anything because it's just hard you know and I just randomly I don't know where like I'll just randomly burst into tears medicines like what is for like what's wrong like I should probably I guess today we were out like an hour away where there's a mall we don't have a mall here and I was like I kind of wanted to go shopping but he didn't he just wanted to go home because we do bellini to do and I was like okay so we start driving home and I was upset that we could go shopping the thing and I just thinking like yeah well I guess we don't need you to go shopping we don't have anything to shop for and I'm like oh my gosh if we had a baby would have something to shop for and I just cried the whole Elm for an hour straight and the rest of my day was right like it's just you know and it's just hard you're seeing other people pregnant like I am so excited for them and I'm so happy for them but I so and longing for that to be me you know and I hate that you know now it's another setback and it's just it's just hard that's all I can say is it's just hard you know I don't know how long this is gonna affect me probably forever just because I'm the kind of person who I've never been iffy on children as far as I can remember I've always been like yes I knew I wasn't it to be a mom I mean that's why I've always been scared that I couldn't have kids because I know I was falling this world to be a mother like that's just me at I've always been so to have that you know ripped away from me it was just it seems unfair and I know things happen but it's just not fair and not for me but for anybody it's it's not fair for anybody to go through this yeah in a while silence video what's going on we've moved it's we moved to a new house but we're in the same city then they moved half a mile down the room I've got my hair done today that's another thing is I've just felt so crappy I've just been down you know I felt I felt so bad about myself because at first my body started changing I gained weight and then I started my skin started changing and I was like it's fine like I don't care I have a baby I'll go through anything like it I get to fight I'll put up with this and then I lost my baby and then my skin started getting worse and then I noticed how much weight I really gained and it really just put me down so yeah I went I got a pedicure the other day I got my hair done today I'm just trying to do things to make myself feel better and feel more confident because I know that I need to be healthy and I need to be happy if I want to try again a successful pregnancy so the dogs are watching yeah I guess that's just where I'm gonna in things for now sorry this is a long video I haven't even watched the clips from when I found out I was pregnant or when I was testing I want I kind of just want to delete everything I kinda just want to literally fleet every single video I took of telling my husband telling my parents because I don't want to have this memory but then again I don't know if I don't know if it would be wrong to just try it you erase it from my mind or if it's just something that I need to like keep and hold on to you know what do I do with all these things and the baby items that I bought you know what do I do with those like is it okay to use them for my next child is it like is it like I'm just replacing they're like hmm you know cuz I bought those things with this baby in that yeah that's not a baby anymore it was never a baby I guess but I bought those things for that fetus and like what do you know what do I do yeah I don't know do I keep the club so I hold on to them so they're just gonna make me sad do I delete them like so I don't know what do you think somebody let me know I'm sorry this video is long I know it was but I just really hope that I can I somebody is able to relate to this video and understand that they're not alone and that it'll be okay we'll get through it you know there's nothing we can do to change the past there's nothing I could have done to prevent this miscarriage there's nothing anybody else could have done to prevent a bear mitt there on this carrot so it just happens it's August but dies so yeah we've made it this far thanks for listening to me ramble I really needed to get some just get it out I really just need to get some things off my chest so thanks guys

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