Opening Up About My Miscarriage | Emotional



hey guys and welcome back to my channel so I don't want to make this super long we're emotional but today is a important day for us and it's hard to talk about um I'm trying to be kind of quiet because I don't wanna wake up the kids in their room is next door so I decided to record this in the new baby's room because you know I don't know what this video is going to be hard but I just decided to record this in here because I had lost something or someone very important and special to us and in here I'm happy you know like in here I don't know I do not explain it so today marks the five year anniversary of my miscarriage with my mind of my husband's very first baby I just I just remember it I just remember on a Monday I started having light like spotting like pink when I wiped and I had no pain or anything and I freaked out and I told my mom I was like what do I do like um you know I think I'm bleeding and she just she just threw it off and she said no that's normal like that's fine I bled with you when I was pregnant and I was like no like this I don't think this isn't like I don't think I'm supposed to do this and so I believe it continued and then on a Thursday I believe was Thursday I started bleeding bleeding like blood and I started cramping and I was like okay these cramps hurt so I need to go lay down I didn't have a heating pad so I tried to use like a hot rag to maybe help the cramps and I knew that this wasn't good and I texted my boyfriend at the time which is not my husband and I was like look I think you need to go to the hospital something's wrong I'm hurting really bad and the pain got worse and worse and I just laid there for a long time like hoping and praying that the pain would stop because I was not educated on miscarriage you know like I and I thought that that happened earlier in pregnancy and I was nine weeks and five days when this happened so I was pretty far along and I mean I know people have miscarriages you know all the time that far but I think that just I was what was so close to my second trimester that I was like I was shocked so I told him like I have to go to the hospital and he would not let me go without him so I had to drive myself all the way to his house to pick him up and go to the hospital and I was driving because he didn't want to drive and guys like it was the worst pain ever it was like every time I would stop at a red light and I would like to have to stop at every single one like I didn't get any green lights I was just having bad luck that day and it like every time I would stop at the red light it was the worst pain ever and I was screaming and crying it was just awful and it was I don't know it was now I know that it was contractions and labor pain because I it was it I don't know because I've only had one miscarriage it wasn't like cramps like a period this was like contractions because I've had two kids now so I know it was contractions and it was labor pain and it was the worst thing I ever felt I was young so you know I'm not used to pay like that like I was a good girl like I didn't do anything you know I wasn't useless like why is this happening to me like I don't do anything there should be no reason for me to lose my baby and yeah it was bad contractions and the pain would go and stop and I was okay for a few seconds and then it would come back and it was the worst pain ever and then it would stop and I'm like okay I'm good for a second I'm good I can have a break and then it would start again and it was the worst pain ever and then whenever we finally got to the hospital we had some family and some friends come up there to meet with us and be there for us and I remember going to the bathroom and told them that I have to go to the bathroom like I have to like I want to the bathroom I felt something come out and I really thought I lost the baby in the toilet but it was a automatic flush toilet so I didn't even need to look very much and I looked at it and I was like what is that and now I don't know what it was honestly it was probably that big and it was dark I thought that maybe it could be the placenta maybe I don't know I don't know it was big it was like that big and so I thought that I lost the baby in the toilet and that toilet just flushed my baby down the toilet and it made me really upset and I just started crying and crying and and I went back in there and I was crying and I told the doctor I think I just lost the baby in the toilet and they were just the nurses and doctor was just they didn't you know they looked like they felt sorry for us it was was pretty sad um so I got up there and they checked me out and he said oh I can see the sack and I was like like I got excited I was like so I didn't just lose my baby in the toilet like I'm okay he pulled the baby out and like it for that split second I had hope that the baby will be okay and no he pulled the whole sack of the baby there was no pieces there was no nothing gory or gross the baby was perfect in the little sack not harmed or anything the sack was not opened it was not punctured it was perfectly put together so I have no idea what happened to me I have no idea why I lost the baby or what that would be I don't know what I lost in the toilet I don't know why the baby was perfectly still together and there was nothing wrong with the baby they put the baby in a cup a little Hospital cup like that you would pee in I I don't know I just I instantly felt better the pain was gone so I was really relieved my husband had the worst reaction he was a mess he was screaming and crying and he was he was very upset and he couldn't eat he couldn't contain herself like he he had to leave the room and go be with the friend that came to support us you know it was very hard to see him like that because you would you would expect it from the mother but not the man usually and he couldn't even like comfort me because he was so bad it like it really broke my heart seeing him like that but at the same time like I needed comforting too because the baby came from me like it was coming out of me like the doctor just pulled the baby out of me I don't know how to explain it but I had blood everywhere on me I had to get we had to get ride home they decided to take us home the friends did so that I could change because there was blood all over my shirt and stuff so they took us home and then we went to go eat we sat there in silence we got some chick-fil-a and we just we literally all just sat there like no one know knew what to say there was anything that you could say to make it better we just saw sat there in silence like barely eating anything it was a nightmare usually I try to contain myself better when thinking about it or talking about it and I try not to let it affect me too much but you know our baby would be five years old right now and she would have been due at the end of February and when that time comes around it is really hard I just say she because me and my husband both have always felt that it was a girl I don't know why but we just have always thought that the first baby we had was a girl we never had the baby tested or anything so we don't know and the biggest regret that we all have leaving that day was was leaving the baby there okay trying to contain myself why a while I'll look ridiculous but we just this is so hard to talk about so we didn't take the baby with us knowing now what they probably did with the baby just probably threw it away or I don't know flushed the baby down the toilet like it's a fish or something I don't know what they did we really regret not taking a baby with us and burying the baby at home or something all right husbands mother she picked up the jar that the baby was in and she looked at the baby and the baby was perfect that you could see the baby's eyes and everything there was no blood the baby was in the sack the water was still in the sack the sack looked to be closed up and there was no problems and maybe it just got detached from the placenta or something I don't know we don't know how it happened or what happened I wish so badly that we knew what happened to the baby so that we could have closure but this was five years ago and we just don't know my husband's mom was going to open the baby sack and look at the baby more and we just didn't and we really wish that we did so badly but I did get a tattoo for this baby so it is hard to see but it's right here 7:24 14 in case any of you were wondering what my tattoos mean they're all people in our family who have died so this is my grandma's this is our baby's pink and blue and then this is my grandpa's who actually died a day in two years after my baby he died July 25th and she baby dad July 24th two years apart so I do want to show you guys a picture of the baby and this is just his sonogram picture that I have so I had just went to the doctor like not too long ago I want to say a week or two before but I can't like for sure say and everything was fine the thing says eight weeks and five days when I got the sonogram but I don't know if that's accurate or not but I did try to get into the doctor two days before the actual miscarriage happened and they weren't answering the phones like no one was answering the phones nothing was being able to be done or me be seen it's hard to see because of the glare but there's the baby sac and there's the little baby there's the baby inside I just have it as my screensaver now but I do think that it may have something to do with the job that I worked at so me and my husband actually met at our job we both worked at McDonald's and I know that's cheesy but we did because we were young and little and they like the managers there did it but like us being together they loved us until we got together and then they started hating us and so they would put us to work scrubbing the floors and scrubbing the insides of cabinets and stretching and bending on the floor and scrubbing stuff and and carrying the humongous like big like big containers of sweet tea that you have to pour all the tea in and then pour all the sugar in and then make and then you have to go pour it into the tea jugs that the tea comes out of that McDonald's and they would make me carry those and I told I remember telling one of the managers I can't carry this I'm pregnant and it's too heavy I don't want to hurt my baby and she told me you're not that far along you'll be fine you're you're not gonna hurt your baby so she made me carry that stuff and I I do think that that may have something to do with it which now makes me so mad but there's nothing I can do now so I just I just wanted to share this day with you guys it is July 24th so in case you were wondering we lost this baby July 24th 2014 you know maybe the timing just wasn't right so we lost the baby peacefully I don't know but this I don't know this baby was so so special to us like it was big deal when we even found out that we were pregnant like I had like that's just all another story of telling my dad that I was pregnant and and then him being okay with it and then me losing the baby was really hard it was really hard on all of our family and except for my mother because she I don't know she's she was going through issues of her own and she wasn't right in her mind but it was it was bad for us but luckily I had land in my rainbow baby that is my oldest he is four now I got pregnant right away with him Mima has been started trying right away because we were so upset over losing the baby so I got pregnant within two or three months after losing the baby with him and then right after having my son I got pregnant again within two or three months with my youngest son which is now three so I have had no problem ever getting pregnant we just want to remember this baby my husband is the one who reminded me that morning boys not like I forgot but because the day is literally on my arm but like as soon as I woke up this morning he texted me reminding me that we lost the baby today I was like no why did you remind me like why do you have to bring it up and get me all emotional but it is something that we are still trying to get through and heal from which I don't know if healing from that will actually ever truly happen but we are just trying to stay positive and we know that this baby is coming soon we don't know how soon as you can tell we have all the nursery stuff behind me I'm not getting into all of that stuff this is mainly for people who watch my channel regularly and you know our story if you don't know our story and you are not like someone who watches my channel you can go back and watch the videos if anything sounds confusing to you I still why a baby stuff and maybe I should tell you guys the name that we picked for her so as I said we did you know I have a feeling that this baby was a girl and me my husband from the start loved the name Addison Grace and that is what we were going to name her was Addison Grace if it was a girl and since we didn't know the gender but we felt afterwards after losing the baby that it was a girl that's just what we've been calling the baby and so that is clearly not a name that we are going to use for a future baby but that is a name that is very special to us and yeah that's what we named that baby so I just wanted to share that but I'm going to end this video here now because it is long so thank you for watching don't forget god loves you and if you are going through the same thing if you have any questions or any advice or any anything that you were going through some more like this you can just comment or message me on instagram and i will right away try to message you back and help you the best I can because this I know it is so bad if you guys have like any ideas or you know suggestions you think maybe you what as to what happened based on what I told you guys like happened with the baby and stuff if you think maybe there was this happened and that's why I lost the baby or something let me know because I am curious I don't know what things can happen to make you lose a baby so we just really wish we had closure to it but anyways thanks for watching don't forget god loves you and i'll see you in the next video bye

16 Replies to “Opening Up About My Miscarriage | Emotional”

  1. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. That's extremely, heartbreaking. 😢 I've never had a miscarriage, but my mom and sister did. My mom, had one miscarriage before I was born. And, it happened to my sister, twice. So I do know, how that feels. My sister was extremely devastated. She has a 14 year old son, and both miscarriages she had, was wayy after her son was born. The most recent being November 18, 2017. That was the day she gave birth to a stillborn baby girl, at 5 months gestation. That was an awful day, for sure. I was there for the birth, and I got to hold precious Baby Girl, and I just rocked her and held her tight. For some reason, I didn't feel the need to cry. She was very beautiful. She was fully formed, and was just so beautiful.

    With that said, I do know how it's like to lose a precious baby, though not from personal experience, but even so. Anyway, again I'm sorry for your loss, and Baby's an Angel now, watching over your beautiful, family. Sending love and light, and prayers to you and yours. ❤❤❤❤ Also, I hope that you'll conceive another child, soon. I'm going to pray for that to happen, for you. ❤❤❤❤

  2. Loosing a baby at any stage is heart breaking. On Friday I had a appointment to do a sonogram that's when we found out our son was gone. I wanted to go home if nature didn't do its job by that Monday I had to go to the hospital. I had him early Monday morning at home he was perfect and beautiful. I'm sorry you had to go through that love

  3. I’m so sorry girl! 😢 Miscarriage is so hard. Think of the glorious reunion y’all will have one day!

  4. I’m sorry for your loss I also had a loss in 2011 at 5 weeks,the pain never goes away there’s a empty spot in your heart for tht life you never got to meet tht grew inside you for a short period of time, I’m sorry girly 🙏🏻👼💕

  5. I am so sorry you went through that I understand what you are going through I had five miscarriages. My heart goes out to you.

  6. I’m so so sorry for your loss even if it was 5 yrs ago! When you were talking about how you had a moment of relief and excitement and that maybe the baby would be ok it was exactly how I reacted when we lost our baby at 26 wks due to an infection in the placenta from pprom and when there wasn’t anything they could do to save him and my husband and the whole drs and nurses came in carrying our son I really thought everything was good and got so happy when I saw them come in and then my husband looked at me and shook his head no and I just lost it 💔 so I know the grief you have my son would of been 3 this coming September losing a baby no matter how early is one of the hardest things ever!

  7. awww i’m sorry, i’ve lost 2 and you’ll always grieve for this baby but it’ll always be your baby and one day you’ll get to be with it ♥️

  8. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like God allowed the doctor to not answer the phones so you would get to see your baby. Had you went in and found out there was no heartbeat you probably would have had to have a D&C and wouldn’t have gotten to hold her. I lost my son at 22 weeks and I was so glad to be able to hold him and see him.

  9. Halie I'm sorry for your loss I know what is like to go through I too lost a baby at 3 weeks pregnant three and half years ago

  10. I also lost a baby 5 years ago and I was also 9 a half weeks along. Though my son would have been my third child I still not your pain very deeply. my son also came out perfect nothing wrong with him. In fact I holding the whole way to the hospital crying uncontrollably. Believe me when I say I know your pain and your confusion and your anger. All the unanswered questions and all the stuff blame and all the what did I do wrong. questions that we will never get answers to. But I've always found comfort in this thought And I hope it helps you to. Yes I'm mourn for the baby I lost but I find comfort in the knowing that he will never know the pain of this Earth and it makes me over-the-moon happy knowing that when he opened his eyes the first time was to our Heavenly Father. So I'm sad for me not for him he's up there with our heavenly father. I hope that brings you some comfort I know it does for me.🤗🤗

    P.S …. I'm so sorry you weren't able to bring your baby home. that was the hardest part for me the thought of leaving him there. fortunately the hospital that we were at gave us the option to talk to a funeral home and and make arrangements for him to be cremated.. the day I brought his ashes home was the day my heart started to begin heal….. I am so so incredibly sorry That you weren't given that chance.

  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is the hardest thing to go through. Miscarriages happen usually by the 10-12 week mark. When I was pregnant with our fourth baby,I made it all the way to 6 months. I had a miscarriage before my 3rd.baby when I was right at the 10 week mark. That was very hard to get through. I never imagined after making it to the 6 mo mark that it would have happened again. It was the hardest thing my husband and I had ever been through. She was Our baby girl!! I had to have a normal delivery to have her. We had our 4th Son a year later. Prayers for you and your husband. You never forget a loss like that.🙏

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