Our Fertility Journey | Dealing with Multiple Miscarriages

oh my god I haven't even stirred talking yet I freaking out why am I wearing mascara oh my gosh I will I will get through this I'm sorry so this is gonna be a hard topic for me to talk about today freaking hell Keo and talk this is precisely why I don't talk about this very often it's hard um just gonna very difficult journey let me tell you I found him your luck was I thought I knew what love was until I first found out I was pregnant and then love just gets taken to a whole new level freaking how this is difficult the top I knew this would be hard but this is exactly why I'm doing this because I come to a place where I realized that it's not only important to talk about these things because they're not talked about often and the more they are not talked about the harder they get to talk about and the more alone you feel the more isolated you feel and I have realized in the past in a while that it's really important for me to talk about this and to share it so not only I can help others but I feel like it's very very important for my own healing journey to begin and um I just it's very important for my own personal healing you know this is something that I think about every day and I think I always will but hiding it from the world and having it be such a huge huge part of who I am and what is made me who I am today and the fact that not many people know this about me and about Mitch about our relationship in our marriage it's hard having a huge part of your life that not a lot of people know about sorry my voice is all over the place clearly I still have a lot of personal healing and issues to deal with this so yes let's go back to December 2015 Mitch and I decided that we were ready to start trying for a family a few months earlier and we found out in December 2015 that we were expecting and I was pregnant and we would hopefully be welcoming our first son or daughter into the world in September of 2016 this baby's due date was actually September 15 2016 which is Mitch's birthday so that was kind of cool we were super super excited to hopefully know welcomed a baby into our lives on that date in that month so excited fast forward to February 2016 so about two months after we found out that I was pregnant this was February 11th to be exact I was lying on a hospital bed laying there for a routine ultrasound I was nine weeks pregnant at that time and staring at the ceiling I was nervous as you are terrified that everything's gonna look okay that you know baby's heartbeat this is gonna look great however at this point I actually already had an ultrasound two days earlier I had a bit of a scare where I had some bleeding so I went to the hospital with Mitch they did blood work and an ultrasound and they said everything looked great they weren't sure why I was having this bleeding but that baby looked great nothing to worry about you can go home so we go home two days later I had a routine ultrasound already booked I contemplated canceling this ultrasound because we just had one two days prior but of course I ended up keeping it the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound on within a few minutes she had called another ultrasound tech into the room and she said to me that I would need to go down to a merge to get my results I kind of quickly made my way to the waiting room crap Mitch and I immediately burst out in tears and told him I think something's wrong they want us to go down to emerge and see a doctor for the results for the ultrasound that seemed like a friggin long wait in that waiting room let me tell you but as I was sitting there in the waiting room this song came flooding into my head the one line from the song that kept running through my head is you taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship you taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship you taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship it just kept going in my head and going through my head and all of a sudden like I clued in to what I was thinking about what was going through my head and at that moment I knew I knew that God was preparing me to hear the news that we lost the baby and I danced upon this disappointment and still didn't continue to praise God because I know that he is so good and I know that shitty things happen and so at that moment we hadn't spoken to the doctor yet by inside of my heart I knew that we had lost the baby and a few minutes later the nurse came into the waiting room to get me to Mitch and pulled us into the hallway didn't even put us into a room or anything just there's like tons of people waiting there to be seeing an arch end like literally in front of all of them the doctor says so you know right and meaning my heart I knew but no one had physically spoken those words to me a team kind of just looked downward and I'm very sorry there's no heartbeat anymore so right there in the hallway heard burnt out into tears they were just here two days ago they said everything looked great I don't understand it gives us a mistake um I was just of course confused and he had the ultrasound report actually in his hand as well from two days earlier which did show a heartbeat but what they failed to tell us two days earlier when we were in emerge that the heart rate although it was there it was I think it was like just over a hundred or something and so on the lower side so I guess that would have been indicator that there could be an impending miscarriage I mean I had it naturally miscarried at that point so if I hadn't gone for that ultrasound I don't know how long it would have been until I found out that we had lost the baby and at nine weeks pregnant we lost her her so we didn't get that first September baby unfortunately you know it was a very difficult month you know the whole process of actually physically miscarrying was extremely emotional extremely difficult on me emotionally on my body on you know like so heartbroken I loved that baby with every single thing in me so – Luis never heard just I don't even know what to say it accept it forget sucks as you can imagine I just wasn't in a place emotionally to think about moving forward and trying for another baby quite yet I was just so torn up about what we had just gone through God had other plans though we found out that I was pregnant again it was a shock so it was only the week prior that I had gotten the all-clear from the hospital that finally my blood work showed that it was no longer pregnant and then I I did not have to come back anymore I was discharged and I was you know on my way and the miscarriage you know come to an end and so you can imagine the shock when I took a pregnancy test the next week and honestly it wasn't because I thought I was pregnant it was because it's it's very confusing after you miscarry when you start your period when you don't and I didn't know what my body was going through where what the heck and I felt so silly taking it because you know there's other reasons I'm not going to go into right now but I ended up taking the test and that is the point and I was shocked when it came back positiv pregnant 33 weeks I think it said on it and I just burst out into tears I just miscarried if I'm pregnant isn't that too soon I don't think everything's gonna work out that's way too soon my body's not ready for this and I also just wasn't sure if I actually was pregnant or if this was just lingering residual hormones from my previous miscarriage that's just we're still there even though the hospital told me they weren't so I called the hospital right away and I told them I had taken a pregnancy test it's positive is there any way that this is actually a false positive and this is just hormones from my miscarriage still lingering she put me on hold for a few minutes came back and said well congratulations you are definitely pregnant if you have a positive pregnancy test right now you are absolutely pregnant because your hormone results came back as zero you had absolutely no pregnancy hormones in your blood whatsoever at this time last week so you know was happy but I was more terrified than anything that this was just way too soon my body was not ready for this it was just through all of this and literally just finished as a whole journey and I and I don't have any dooms I can say it but I was terrified and excited I didn't know whether to like smile or cry I mostly just was crying long story short nine months later haha December 24th 2016 IV Georgia came into the world our beautiful baby girl who is now almost two-and-a-half it's just crazy to even think about her mean but she is our beautiful rainbow baby who came immediately after we lost our first pregnancy and she is perfect she is absolutely our pride and joy our rainbow baby born on Christmas Eve and you know I know as much as it just sucks even think about and it breaks my heart if that it's so weird to even say or to think about but I know that if that first kind of sad worked out I wouldn't have IV right now so it just like it's such a mind it's so crazy and I don't even know what I'll say about it then she's everything guys she really is everything so my V was our second pregnancy and she's beautiful beautiful baby girl I actually filmed Ivy's birth story a sit down video going through all the labor and delivery details so if you want to check out that full journey I will link it here here I don't even know what site at this point in time but it will be it will pop up here so that is how we found out that we were pregnant with ivy and how she came into our lives um but this you know isn't where our journey ends knowing that we miscarried the first time around I really I had no idea what our journey moving forward would look like and we knew that we wanted to have siblings close together you know not that it is that all in our control but if it was at all we you know we're hoping that they would be close in age Mitch's three years apart between his siblings and I'm four years apart with my sister and we just wanted them to be even closer than that so we decided in the fall of 2017 that we would begin trying again for another baby so that I B could have a brother or sister with in the following year again the fast forward a few months later December 2017 we were so overjoyed to find out that I was again pregnant our third pregnancy and we were expecting baby solder number three again in September of 2008 September 28th was baby solder three due date with regards to morning sickness for three months solid I was so sick and I was very sick with IV as well but this was next-level sick I was so sick for three months all day morning sickness it was absolutely horrible but that's typically a sign that things are great they mean things are looking good so I went in for my first ultrasound eight weeks pregnant and everything looked great baby was growing perfectly was measuring exactly to date and my due date was confirmed September 28th baby had a heart rate of 167 at that point and so happy so relieved as you can imagine lying on that ultrasound table my heart was racing waiting to find out you know if everything looked good at that first ultrasound painstaking it is you know a great time but it's also so scary until you hear those words you do you want to see baby or baby's heart rate citizens so I left that appointment feeling so relieved and so happy that everything looked great and I knew that the heart rate at that first ultrasound was healthy and typically once you see a healthy heart rate once you see the baby's growing according to dates you know your chances for miscarriage typically drop quite drastically at that point given our journey I was cautiously excited but so overwhelmingly happy that everything looked great my next scheduled ultrasound I was actually I was exactly 13 weeks 1 day pregnant when I went in so the ultrasound that is typically done in between 12 and 14 weeks pregnant is the one where they also they check for heart rate again and they check for baby size but they also look for chromosomal abnormalities at that ultrasound and they will tell you if there is a chance or what the chance may be that your baby can be born with chromosomal abnormalities so this ultrasound is done between 12 weeks in 14 weeks I went in for mine at 13 weeks one-day pregnant and I was by myself at that ultrasound Mitch wasn't with me because he stayed home to watch IV that day now with this ultrasound you have to do an ultrasound and then you have to do bloodwork and you know the combination of the results of both are what helped to determine whether or not your baby does have a chance of the informants the chromosomal abnormalities ultrasound tech looked at me and said you know the baby's a little bit smaller than we're hoping to see at this point so you can hold off on your blood work today you won't have to go get your blood work done and that's all she said I know that if your baby is not measuring to the day or a day ahead or a day behind things aren't things aren't looking good I was 13 weeks 1 day pregnant at this point and the ultrasound tech said that our baby was measuring at 11 weeks 1 day pregnant you know that's not normal that's not good especially since I measured completely perfectly on dot my last ultrasound at 8 weeks and I didn't know if we had already lost the baby or if we were losing the baby but I knew there was a good chance we already lost the baby I said can you tell me the heart rate and she said I'm sorry I can't tell you that your doctor is gonna have to tell you that information and actually at my previous ultrasound I had the exact same ultrasound tech and she didn't automatically tell me the heart rate at my first appointment but I did ask her and she told me it was 167 and my midwife also confirmed that for me at my first appointment with her that at the first ultrasound the baby's heart rate was 167 so I knew that at this appointment when I asked her again and she didn't answer me it was confirmation for me that we had lost the baby again and the thing that kind of sucked was that she asked me if I wanted to see the baby and so of course I said sure so she turned the screen to me and showed me the baby you know here's your baby's head here's baby's arms legs and here she was perfect like a little perfect baby arms legs everything just looked exactly like every all just and I had with IV I don't know I don't really know I didn't really know what to think if that was cruel for her to show me that knowing that you know she didn't tell me outright that I lost the baby but she knew that I had lost the baby at that point so it was kind of and I mean at that point I pretty well knew so I'm looking at the screen of this baby that's mine and so perfect but I know that here she is gone um so I got out the end I left in such a hurry I just didn't even know how to react I just wanted to get out of there and like as soon as I walked through the door at home Mitch says oh you're back so quick and I just broke into down in tears and I couldn't even talk of course that was my phone rang and it was my midwife yeah and she told me about it he had lost the baby again our second beautiful September baby slipped away in March of 2018 I wasn't in such disbelief you know my initial thoughts were that's already happened to me once you know there's no way this is gonna happen to me again I've been through it once it's not gonna happen again and you know if it does god forbid it does I have Ivy so I'm gonna be fine and you know it is okay well I'm okay but that miscarriage was a whole different journey than the first it was very difficult trying to go through that while also having to come home you know that same day and be a mom the first time around I had time to go through the motions and deal with my emotions and take time physically going through the process and in making decisions around the miscarriage and the second time it was totally different I didn't have a lot of decisions I felt this time around because I just like I said I had to be home that I stay I had to be a mom I had to be there for Ivy I couldn't sit around and cry for weeks on end and to be completely honest I didn't even realize this until these past few months and you know this is what has led me to you know share my story is that I didn't deal with it last year I you know jumped back into being a mom to ivy the next day and of course I had a few weeks where I was you know crying and but I also suppressed those emotions all because I just wanted to be there for ivy I'm realizing now that I didn't deal with things and I feel like they're starting to surface I feel like God has really been impressing on my heart lately the importance of sharing this for myself and I know so many people just on social media and I personally follow because specifically because they've had a similar journey to mine and it's so comforting to read their stories and to hear them just be so honest and raw about it and say the things that suck that no one says and I want to be that person for someone else right now because I have needed those people so much in these past few years and especially this last year I feel like I just I really want to be that person for someone else and I just really need to talk about this I need to deal with it I don't even have words to explain how much I love ivy with all of my heart she honestly makes me want to cry every second of every day because I just don't even know how to handle how much I love her it sounds kind of silly but I mean it's not I just I love her so much and as much as I love her with every single ounce of me I can honestly say there is not one single day that goes by that I don't think about those other two babies that are mine do I just want to say that if you have gone through this or a similar story I'm so sorry and it sucks and I'm just so thankful that I had this opportunity to hopefully connect with others who have been through this in because you know taking the stigma away from things just by talking about them is huge and what are these trials that we go through if we can't talk about them and if we can't share them with other people and like what's the point what is the point if we can't help someone else I know that there's a reason I experienced this I know that there's a reason that me and Mitch have gone through this and it has definitely made it stronger and have to deal with so many things that I never thought I'd have to deal with and so many emotions I never thought I'd have to deal with and I don't know quite honestly I don't know what our future holds with regards to fertility with regards to other children I'm not gonna go into that right now but what I will see is that we're leaving in God's hands and love to be blessed with another baby and a sibling for ivy and if that is in you know God's plan for us that will happen and we're very hopeful that you know that will happen and I just hope I can be a voice for those that have gone through similar journeys and similar stories similar trials be a voice to know fertility issues to miscarriage multiple miscarriage – missed miscarriage I'm all of those things you know the statistics are 1 in 4 miscarry as much as I don't talk about this to many people I have heard of so many people who have gone through this and someone who will just don't talk about it and to be truthful one of the huge reasons that I haven't spoken about this until now is because I I couldn't I just couldn't handle one person seeing something that was hurtful you know out of just being uneducated miscarriage is no one's fault it doesn't I know that it's absolutely nothing I did as much as I know that we still blame ourselves but I know that it's nothing I did if you've gone through this it's nothing you've done either it just sucks and I do want to share this one piece of comforting words if you're going through this as well you know not many people could offer any words that were comforting while I was going through my miscarriages because there is nothing you can say really to make it better or to make any sense out of it but the one thing that one of my friends said to me was that miscarriage is God's way of helping a sick baby and that was the only piece of comforting like advice or word that I ever got from anyone and that has helped me immensely just thinking that you know God's Way of helping a sick baby really is the only things I kind of makes me think okay you know I get it and I know that my babies are there together and happen and I know that you know whether you have the same belief or not this is just what I personally believe that they are together and that I'm going to meet them again one day they know a lot that we don't this is my life and this is the whole point of this to share if some be open about it and honest about it and I would love to answer any questions if anyone has any to be honest wasn't planning on filming this money woke up this morning I knew I was gonna film it soon I kept putting it off and putting it off because I know what was gonna you know be difficult and a song but I have come to realize there's not gonna be a perfect day or perfect time or perfect place and I just wanted this to be you know as honest as I could be and that should seem like the right time so and I just want to thank everyone that you know was aware and really really was there for me and Mitch throughout this I want to thank you because you really have helped me so much thank you for you know the ones that I have opened up to thank you for letting me talk about it and I will also say that one of the hardest things to a miscarriage is that you think about it every day I think of all those babies every single day as much as it it sucks talking about it I also need to talk about it and want to talk about it so when people bring it up I love to because I'm always thinking about him or her or you know whoever my babies are and thinking about them all the time and that's it thank you for listening I'll see you guys soon

4 Replies to “Our Fertility Journey | Dealing with Multiple Miscarriages”

  1. Cakes, you speak so poignantly and openly and I'm in awe of your honesty and bravery. You are one incredible human being and an even more incredible mother. Know that your strength and resilience are paving not only your journey but so many others as well! On behalf of all mothers today and future mothers, thank you for sharing this. It's something that truly needs to be talked about more and without stigma. Love you so incredibly much xx

  2. So sorry for your losses. I have never had a miscarriage but I did loose a baby girl that was born prematurely. Loosing a baby is devastating to no matter how far along you are. My love goes out to you.

  3. Tanya, you are such an incredible Mom to all 3 of your precious babies, you are such an inspiration to all of us Moms out here trying to work through the pain of our miscarriages. Thank you for sharing your journey and your very difficult to talk about, honest emotions. I cry with you as miss them and I celebrate with you when you remind yourself that you WILL hold them one day! Thank you for doing this video. Your courage will help so many other women going through their fertility and miscarriage journeys and encourage talking about it. You are such and amazing inspiration, thank you for sharing this ❤️

  4. You are a Mama warrior🌈❤! Love you!! Your journey is heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time! Thank you for sharing❤.

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