Postpartum/Borderline personality disorder

hey YouTube it's talk to you CH and today I want to talk about borderline personality disorder and postpartum um kind of because postpartum just added a lot to my borderline personality disorder so I'm just gonna kind of get right into it um I had my baby about ten months ago exactly today and she's just beautiful and a blessing and I love her told they just want to start off the positives because this is gonna get really deep and if you're sensitive to this I advise that you probably don't wash it um because it might be a trigger too but I'll try to keep it as like mellow as I can um so I had my baby the birth wasn't too hard I mean I was in labor for two days you know fast-forward blah blah blah I just remember the social worker coming into the room and saying like hey Tatiana you know like you know just explaining to me like what poor sorry what postpartum was and like what you know it could do and like to look out this for the signs and the symptoms and I was like yeah and she's like have you ever struggled with any mental illness in the past and I'm like yeah you know I have borderline personality disorder and she said okay well then you're especially you know prone to getting it and I'm like yeah okay you know and I was like I was preparing and so I remember going home and I remember like having a blues I think every mom kind of has like the blues like you know you're your body's going through so much change you have hormones racing still um but I remember something was off probably about a month in um I was just tired and exhausted and that's obviously the normal part of it and I remember just like crying to my mom and just saying I'm so tired like and she's like you know you just need sleep you just need sleep and I was just angry all the time and I think that my family just thought oh like you know she's just exhausted which I'm sure obviously was was what was you know part of that but that wasn't the underlying issue and I remember like just one day I was in the room and I remember my child's father saying something to me and me just being like what like what did you say like I just snaps like just completely different person like and I just didn't even know why I was so angry like I couldn't tell you why the guy just was angry at him I was constantly just irritated at like everything I mean I just it just kind of felt like a cycle and then the next thing that hit me was like depression and I remember just being in the bed and like looking at my daughter and just being like I don't care like I don't care like at all I don't want to do this anymore like there's no point like I just felt so numb like when I got up I just felt like my body was like drunk like I felt like I was drunk and it was heavy and I just feel like I could collapse and just lay there and stare and just four hours and I was just so bored with life and then I remember the anxiety kicked in and I've always struggled with anxiety okay that's always been something that I've struggled with but this was like Todd this is like anxiety on steroids like it was just so intense and so much to take in and my body just kept cycling it just felt like it was rage then it was depression then it was anxiety and I was like man like I just feel like I'm backtracking to like when I was a child and I would have like these rage fits and you know panic attacks or you know depression episodes and I used to self-harm and I used to like destroy things like so quickly and not think and just be reckless and careless and insensitive and that's just kind of how I felt like I was becoming and I was a man like I worked so hard to get to where I'm at now like what's happening you know and like it wasn't like I could just control it like it was just so it just felt so out of control like I felt like I wasn't me like I was out of my body I remember like calling my mom or just being like there's something wrong look I'm backtracking like I just went off I just hit something like you know I'm having panic attacks like I'm having rage fits like I don't know what's going on with me like I'm scared you know I would go to the hospital for panic attacks the doctors are just be like you're okay you know like here's some mattes go home you know like the this she's having anxiety like but then I feel like after I started going I was like hey yeah I just had a baby like you know probably a month ago and they're like oh yeah you're probably going to postpartum so they admitted me to the hospital and the doctor saw me he's like you seem fine you know and I'm like God hi guys so I didn't like want to sit there and be in the mental hospital like I feel like that wasn't gonna like help me so I kind of just like yeah I'm fine you know like like kind of like just like bluffed it a little bit and um I just I went home like a day after like they literally discharged me a day after and um I remember just going home and then my child's father was like what are you doing you know like why are you home like you need help like I really want to see you better and I was just like I don't know like I think I can just handle it on my own like I think it's just a phase and I'm gonna get through it and that was like by far from the truth like it just got so much worse and mind you he had work his work is very demanding so he could only take like two weeks off and he had to go back and so when I was taking showers got so bad to the point where he had to like sit there on a chair and watch me take showers because I was panicking so much I felt like my breathing pattern was changing like I was just breathing differently I was just breathing faster it was like hypertension and hyperactive and my mind was racing and I remember just like being in the room at one point in just mingling I'm not coming out of the room and him being you need to go out of the room and I'm like I'm not this is my only safe place like if I leave the room like something's gonna happen and I remember just get starting really really bad when one day I was holding my baby and I was bringing her from my bed to the changing table and I just like all the way there like just this thought like it was almost like a flash like man like what if I drop her and she snapped her neck and I remember just being like damn like what the is like what's wrong with me like you know like why would I even think something like excuse my language I'm sorry and I remember just being like like that's not okay and um I just I just like thought with me I'm like I'm psycho like I'm going psychotic like this isn't normal like I'm all alone and finally all right went to Jacob and I stabbed Mike I think like something was like going on with me and we need to go back to the hospital and so he's ago II do want to go and I just kept being so like bipolar with it like no yeah no yeah no yeah no and so one day he was in we were watching we're all watching TV in the room and I remember just getting up and being like I'm gonna kill myself and I went to the bathroom and I got a knife and I just sat in the tub and Jacob immediately knew that something was wrong because I never left the room so he came into the bathroom use like what are you doing like stop like your daughter knew and I was like I don't care about you guys and I knew right then in there and I remember just like sitting in the bathroom and being like like god please please God like like please help me like there has to be something more like I'm literally I literally can't feel I can't do it I don't know what to do anymore like help me you know and I remember just being like what's like what's gonna happen like if I stay like what's gonna happen if I do something to somebody myself or somebody else I just was so unsafe I was so unsafe around myself I was so unsafe around my family and I remember just being in the car and like all these like intrusive thoughts started coming in and I couldn't stop them so we were on the way to food for less and I remember just being like like what if he crashes a car right there I'll just die like that's an obviously super not normal and like not okay and not like a good way of thinking at all and so I finally started telling like people who are personal to me they were like we need to put you in the hospital so I went to the hospital and they were so supportive and I ended up going to a crisis house because I was having panic attacks I was at the point where I was I was yelling at people I was having a choice of thoughts about my baby in me and so someone else who's very personal to be stepped in and she took over a lot for me and she helped me and I love this woman to death and she's like the best person ever like I just love her and she just took over and she just kept me updated and while I went to the hospital they finally sent me to a crisis house and I think that's like the most the roughest thing that I went through this whole thing had to have been the CPS case and it's really like hard for me to say that because just because of my past I've never ever wanted anything like that to ever happen but obviously I really needed help and things were just getting out of hand so CPS is called CPS got involved because I was trying to hurt myself and so we had a huge meeting and my worker was so sweet she was so good so supportive so kind and loving and I was a little paranoid over at first because I didn't want her to take my baby which um she didn't and you've I guess CPS has this stigma of oh they're just there to take your kids it's not the case she actually really helped me he gave me so many resources that I didn't even know like existed and that's the same with the personal people like I had a team like I said it's personal that's a different subject but after going to this crisis house they just showed me coping skills and grounding and when I first got there from the time that I left there was just a significant change I got put on Prozac I take it every day to this day and it's helped me so much I haven't had depression in such a long time of course I have episodes here and there but when I first entered the crisis house I was on the floor panicking I couldn't get up and I couldn't breathe and I thought I was constantly having heart attacks I wouldn't sleep like none of that just constantly suicide to anxiety suicide to anxiety and when I left it was just like I was a completely different person and so for you woman out there when you think like postpartum is like something that you can just get through on your own I advise you not to there's one person that I will always remember and this is the cop and that was the time that I was sitting in the bathtub like I said and I was just holding the knife and the cops were called on me and the cops the cop came to the bathroom and I swear it was God that did this he came in and he goes you need to get up and I was like why like who cares and he's like you need to get up and I was like I don't want to go and he's like um he's like I don't really get personal people but my wife had postpartum and it's a monster and it took her and I'm looking at you right now and you're just gone like I don't even know you and you just look gone and if you don't get up now like you know I don't know what could happen to you and I can't go to sleep right now not knowing that you're gonna be okay because it took my marriage I did everything I could for her but it just took my marriage and she was never the same again after she had a kid and I think that that just scared me and I was like wow this is really real you know it is a monster and so if you ever feel like like any kind of just anxiety depression like I'm not saying like be paranoid about it but like just little signs like if you've never struggled with that or even if you have if it's intensifying don't push it away like at least go get checked out and then you know if it goes away then it goes away everybody's different everybody handles their things differently I think mine was just so intense because borderline personality disorder is what I struggle with apart from postpartum and if you know what that's about that's it's it's an unstick it's unstable moods it's it's everything I feel is intensified so I was just like oh my moods are on steroids and it was incredibly hard to go through but like day by day I'm getting better and still to this day I struggle with anxiety but I can definitely just say like I have definitely grown and I've gotten so much help and I'm feeling so much more happier and you can do it I just say don't put it off and don't ignore it and don't be embarrassed and don't be humiliated like everybody everybody goes through things but you have to think of yourself you have to think of your daughter because they're a woman out there that like really hurt their children over this they're they're a woman out there that that make really really bad decisions or take their lives and it really affects other people so if you need help speak up don't be quiet about it like don't ever be quiet about asking for help and I just think I'm gonna end the video there and hit this subscribe button down below I totally just stuttered give this video a big thumbs up and I will see you soon thank you bye

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