I got some candles that I made in my black plant cuz I love black plants been bought me some flowers got a candle lit and a coffee over there look at me pretending to be basic hey guys oh my god I literally didn't try to set it up like that I don't know I'm just feels forced when people were like let's set the mood and I'm just like bitch this is my mood you're here anyway um hey how are you guys I hope you have been fine I hope you've been doing well and super duper I'm really sorry that I haven't been posting as much I feel like I've been saying that for the past month and I know you guys been super supportive and saying don't worry take your time of course it's just the the fan anyway thank you guys for the well wishes for my gallbladder surgery everything went fine obviously it was out of bed within a couple hours and home the next morning so it's nothing no I feel fine it's like week and a half now I probably shouldn't be doing half of the that I have minutes like carrying a very heavy baby up and down the stairs but I actually feel fine I'm stop and ask for help when I should so yeah anyway I thought I would just be upfront with you guys because I am aware of what depression does okay this isn't a buchumi video or meaning to cleanse myself for venting to you guys this is more of hey these situations have been going on and it's triggering a relapse I would say I've noticed that in the past almost month postpartum depression relapse is very very common within the first year especially when you get off of your medication which I did and I felt completely fine up until I had a family death recently and that's been really really really hard to deal with overseas especially when you can't go and travel you feel very helpless and very trapped a little bit and then just like with my pancreas and all the stuff that was going on it was very stressful and then having to deal with like the nice of stuff you know those are like three major stresses and I feel like all of that has contributed to postpartum depression because I noticed I am having crying spells which are common like okay the postpartum depression it's not just sitting there feeling sad all day it's like sometimes you really it's a gut-wrenchingly like painful and you're not sure why you know this is really really how to put it it's just like miserable but I am going to my doctor today to discuss hey I want to get back into therapy I personally don't want to get back on medication I'm sure that's gonna be somewhat of an argument I want to do everything proactive that I can like getting exercise sunshine I've been doing all that cutting a lot of the process crap out of my diet natural means of medication when necessary and yeah I feel a lot better physically mentally I feel this time around with having this relapse I am very aware of what can trigger an episode of feeling very depressed or you know mourning and stuff like that but it is going on and on and on and on and on sometimes for hours I just wanted to make this video not to tell you guys it's been particular but in case other people are going through that or other people just are googling stuff and they belief I this born-agains video I don't even know how to talk about this stuff and I really I really think it's important to be honest like how do you talk about the you're suffering through without making other people feel bad coming out of the postpartum depression and psychosis that I had I suffered for seven months and it was really dark and there's things that I have seen and said and didn't realize what was happening it just made it worse and the medications I was taking I really do believe amplify it a lot of that I weaned off of the antipsychotics and that was help is detox and detox in detox and then I cold-turkey the antidepressants plus the doctor wanted me to get on anti-anxiety and medication because it's caused the most severe form of anxiety where you don't want to go on public because you're afraid if you're stressed out you're gonna have a seizure I was a real big and that kind of breaks a person I feel better most days I have been getting my energy back in my stamina I've been pushing myself getting exercise sunshine if I don't feel like it you just do it anyway is that many goals for yourself every day and if you don't reach them all set them for tomorrow and just like tell yourself hey this is the priority before the other goals today so you don't have to start out gung-ho I need a fight you got to just take it day by day and when it comes to depression especially with postpartum depression because that's my experience you have to pretty much play the most strategic game of chess in order to beat this in my opinion for my experience because it can kill you and it has killed a ton of people so I did all of these things that I knew would be beneficial to me I changed my diet I didn't rely on a pill I got exercise I got real with myself I got real the point that I gained a lot of weight after having the baby I didn't even gain weight during pregnancy because I maintained doing the weight loss thing before and I felt good I was running all this I felt so great and then after I had my baby a couple weeks after I felt really good after c-section and stuff and then boom it just came crashing down and they just had me zombied out on all these meds and there are psychiatrists coming in and out of the house and I go to the psychologist appointments and it was a lot you guys like I don't talk openly about it but it was a really heavy time in my life and probably the most difficult thing to go through for me as a person simply because on top of all of that you feel like you're failing your kids so anytime the medication wasn't working let's um but we got to bump it up we gotta bump it up the medications not working at work for like two weeks not just be like zombied no episodes or anything just feeling bleak okay we're gonna dose higher the dosage and I finally said no we're not doing any more and I remembers on the phone with a psychologist or psychiatrist and she was like excuse me and I goes no I am done taking all of this and I stopped I weaned myself off the antipsychotics I said note an anxiety pills I said no to anything else and then I we you know after I leaned off of those I stayed on the antidepressants for a while then I just said this one day and I'm like I'm done with all this and that was very hard but after a few days physically I felt better and mentally I felt clear minded it's one of those things and I don't want to tell people what they need to do some people are comfortable in it antidepressants and their medication I personally don't believe that in my case if something seems to not be working I should continue to take it when it's making me feel worse if anything there's a lot of side effects to those pills including seizures and heart attack and diabetes it's crazy it's like what are we doing I got off of that stuff started getting exercise started to clean up my diet and be more mindful of when I do eat junk food sorry the battery died just being good to my body and to my spirit and just being mindful of myself I even made it a goal to see if I can just get that genuine belly laugh that you get when your kid does something cute because I couldn't do that for a long time and it was hard when you see this happy gorgeous baby laughing and adoring you and you feel that but you can't physically feel it you know you feel you love your child but you can't mmm get those little hearts popping around your head and you need that so I had to really dig deep and remind myself this is this is okay this is temporary this is not what defines you and it was very difficult so fast forward I'm feeling better for months I'm feeling super duper doing everything and my pancreas goes kaboom and just like oh what's this so that kind of stresses you out and you know I was in the hospital for over a week anyway that was a bit stressful and in surgery and then I had my uncle who I told you guys was sick he passed away and I'm going through the motions on that he was like my brother for a very long time for my childhood and let's and stuff we're close and age and we fought like brother and sister and he was really good to me in those ways you know when we were younger and unfortunately made some really bad decisions and then he got cancer for that you know because of some of that stuff and yeah so I'm just I'm angry right now and we help somebody we try to help somebody with addiction you feel helpless you know like in the it just took me back to all those years so anyway I think that has been contributing to what I feel is a postpartum relapse because I was I'm not feeling as bad as I was but I have definitely been when I cry I'm not crying for like half hour I'm crying for like five hours devastating I am just up and down every day and with having fibromyalgia which if you're not familiar with what fibromyalgia is it's pretty much like this pain disorder your brain goes so haywire because of stress and depression and psychosis and trauma and PTSD that you start to just feel pain when there's no pain there's absolutely nothing wrong with me and I wake up sometimes after having those stressful episodes my body is just killing me so I forced myself to get out of bed and I time myself every day because I'm not gonna let this tear me down I'm not gonna get in my way of my martial arts goals I'm not going to let it prevent me from running again because I really love my fat-ass legs running like you know a lot of fat people were always like oh I love exercise I actually used to be in track and field growing up and I started running again during weight loss and then continued to do it during pregnancy so I I loved it again I did it for a long time I'm not letting any of this determine my life it's one of those things where I don't want you guys or anybody watching this to feel bad for me because I am doing well I'm aware that this is going and I'm aware when it's happening that this is going to pass it feels easier it's just a normal part of postpartum depression or postnatal depression terms are different in different countries I need people to know that it's really important to move forward it's really important to know that you're not alone in this and that it's okay to seek help it is okay to talk about it if you don't have people in your everyday life that you can talk about this being they might not relate they might not understand or have never been depressed or even know what a lot of people didn't even know what postpartum psychosis was including me until I had it this is like can become permanent if you don't stay on top of it or it can just lead you to a dead end and that's it for you and leave family devastated I've heard so many cases just doing the research and wanting to like being out of a kit in a way I hate using that word because it sounds pretentious like I'm an advocate like I just really feel like using my platform for what it is you know to speak out at times so that's why I make these videos sometimes I know like a lot of people when they make content that's not mental health related they throw in mental health stuff because they're just like oh look at me I'm so stress and anxiety is this is like really serious you know like to me and just feel like it's needed to be said that you are not alone if you were a spouse you know that is suffering because you're watching your loved one suffering you're not alone I honestly feeling like doing something about it like workshops or something I don't know I just feel like something needs to be done about it I am grateful that Australia has a lot of really good resources at least where I'm at because there's a lot of things that I don't have to pay for any of it either like I have to pay for any therapy I was willing to like because after X amount of sessions you have to certain like price and stuff um I honestly wonder like if I didn't have that stuff covered under private insurance in the u.s. if I would have even gotten half the help those resources just aren't as available as they should be this really really was hard for both of us it really was so now and I feel like it's returning I'm immediately jumping on it and talking about it and requesting with my GP who specializes in postnatal depression and psychosis and stuff she actually specializes in this stuff which I just looked out like that's if that's not the universe or god I don't know what it is but like for a GP this is actually her like a specialization and she's like super local to me in bumfuck nowhere so I really lucked out because my my previous doctor she was good she's like taking antidepressant and shut the up you know she was it was it very helpful so if you're not comfortable with your doctor you can always find somebody else to like it's totally fine and go back to the other doctor for other stuff or something so anyway I know this videos is like all over the place but like that's really what's been going on I always get the last laugh on things I'm Petty and I am going to get the last laugh on this because I can't go back to what was when I first had little Marcus there's no I am determined to just be happy like any time I want to be in a bad mood I'm just like the work that Amber you know so I feel like through this whole process of having like this just suvir's depression ever like seriously just the most severe there's no point even thinking that there's a point that was my level and I feel like now what that's taught me is start picking and choosing when you get pissed or when you get sad or upset or cranky just pivot your mindset and you realize that you do have so much more control over your emotions once you practice that and for a lot of people there was like three million birds outside screaming like the ends of times you know and like the apocalypse is about to hit all the sudden you see 50 billion birds fly overhead screaming that's what's going on anyway this has helped me really feel like I'm gaining more control over myself and my feelings and just life and I want to be in the right direction and I want to be open and honest and say hey I'm not perfect I don't know why we where we got as a society we're like every youtuber and everybody on Instagram we got to be perfect as we gotta have flawless skin we gotta be like this and that I would feel resentful like I'm a normal happy person and I can handle all of the stress so well why is this happening to me you know you just like present yourself but you can't do that you say alright look at we're gonna accept that this is going on and we're gonna get through this like taking what you can going I laughed today so I watch a lot of comedy on my phone I listen to like a lot of inspirational stuff in the morning when I'm taking care of the baby and I force myself to to say no this isn't gonna take over my life anymore also marijuana helps a lot just putting that out there in case anybody that's something else I wanna talk about to be on it's like a whole other video because it's just blowing my mind at this point I'm aware hey this is starting to look like the pattern last time so let's jump on top of it so I don't want you guys to worry cuz I know about when I had all that stuff last year like a lot of people were worried and that made me feel really bad because I don't want to ever make you guys worry I want to inspire and make you just laugh and hang out and I somehow I'm able to do that and it's a it's a blessing it's really like rewarding and I don't get it but anyway I just want to spread positivity that's it all right you guys you take care and I will see you very soon you're really super missing your guys's faces and tags and funny stuff you have to say it makes me happy all right until next video I will see you then you you you


  1. Hey Amby, glad to hear your surgery went well, but sorry to hear you’re not having the best recovery.
    Mental health issues suck major dick! My wife has been battling with bipolar, anxiety and depression for years, and our daughter has crippling anxiety; the kind you mentioned, where she feels she can’t leave the house.
    Sending you much love and best wishes that you get back on track to where you want to be. Seeing what prolonged use of med’s does to a person, you’ve done a brave thing to refuse to use them. Much respect to you.
    Hoping you’re feeling better soon ❤️

  2. Glad to hear your surgery went well and your recovery is progressing well too. It’s great that you’re able and willing to recognise any changes in your mental health and you’re seeking help early in addition to doing whatever works best for you to manage symptoms. It’s great that you’re willing to talk about it and the triggers that contributed to depression creeping back. Hopefully your story will help others have the confidence to seek help and advocate for themselves. You’re a great mum and no doubt your kids and Ben are really proud of you for being so proactive and focused on finding your happiness again – which is crazy hard when you’re going through depression. You rock!

  3. G'day AMBS, mate, more strength to you, know that your family loves you and there are thousands of us who care about this crazy yank bird who calls it like it is, and calls our country home. Not bad I reckon. Tell Benny boy to keep fighting the losing fight, love your kids and love yourself! Cheers Mate!

  4. Good to hear the surgery was routine and I can understand that posting Vlogs is important in coping with depression and stress. You might be holed up at home but you can reach out to strangers in your wider circle and get reassurance and support. xxx

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