Postpartum Depression Story



all right so hello everyone I'm back with another video today I decided to switch it up and do a video about an important subject on something that I have been dealing with for quite some time now let me just start from the game um I'm Leslie and if you watch my other two videos I am a mom of two boys chasing Kaden silence enter pictures um cadence I was a single mom for five years working two jobs going to college I had postpartum depression when I had cadence but it wasn't as bad as it is now there was an incident when I was on maternity leave with cadence where he just would not stop crying no matter what I did would not stop crying so I had put I'd never picked him up who still his crib and I just remember slamming my hands on the side of his crib just screaming at the top of my lungs like why won't you stop crying and I just walked out close my door and went into the living room and cried and my mom came and took him for me for that name after that one incident with cadence I was fine Jacqueline I I don't know if it was because I was in church back then but I never had another outburst cadence fast forward five years I'm try not to cry so like with my hair um I had chase February 15th of this year I was diagnosed with lupus on 2017 October 1st 2017 so when I was first diagnosed with lupus and they were going over all the information about it with me and everything that I would be feeling and everything like that um the doctor explained that I will become very depressed what I'm like alright I'll work through it it hit me hard once I had chase when I first had him I felt alone I'm back I am with chases father but I am I felt like there was nobody around for me and I just cried every night mind you I have two boys working two jobs at the time I was when chase was just born I was going to classes for phlebotomy and I finished those classes before returning back to work before my maternity leave was up after weeks and weeks of crying every night and putting on a happy face in the morning to go to work and around my family I finally sent the texts out to my sister my cousin and my sister and I explained to them that I really needed them at this time and if they can just contact me more often it will be greatly appreciated because I was depressed and I didn't know why that was a huge step for me because I am a private a private person when it comes to home feeling so for me to come out and tell somebody that I'm not okay it was hard for me after I explained that to them it kind of got better and then just last week last Tuesday I had an emotional breakdown at work chase was with his dad for those couple of days and cadence was diagnosed with ADHD so once he's off his medicine it I feel like all that energy that he had bottled up from being on his medicine it just releases in my mind and I was failing I was just done and when I say done I meant like ready to end it all I was frustrated I was upset I I know this will sound bad but I had hate towards my son and the only reason why I felt that way because I was just tired of doing it alone I felt that I understand that I made the decision to have him and I understand is not his fault that his dad's not in his life but I felt alone in taking care of him it's hard trying to work two jobs trying to handle everything I have to handle with my medical condition trying to handle everything I have to handle with chases foot and you know since he's a newborn and all his medical stuff and trying to handle his and trying to handle Cadence's medical stuff with his ADHD and starting to get him ready for Kenny guarding and it's like I felt everything was just crushing down on me and I felt like I wasn't doing a good enough job and it was time to leave this earth the more Tuesday morning while I was driving my son to my aunt's house so I can go to work he's just talking to me in the backseat and I'm just in my mind I'm just I just so hate towards him I just for some reason I just hated him at that time and it crushed me because I know I don't hurt I know I don't hate him I know I don't hurt I don't hate my child but at that time I just felt like everything was his fault and I just didn't want to be here no more um after dropping him off and going to work on my way to work I just needed to talk to somebody screw back so I called my sister she was at work and I I just broke down and cried like I need you and I explained to her what I was feeling and she tried her best to calm me down but in the back of my mind I'm just like nothing's gonna help I'm feeling I'm always gonna feel like this because I always have to do it alone and nobody will ever understand the pain that I'm going through right now so after talking to her and trying to calm down I get to work and before going into work I put like on this happy face I wipe every I wipe my tears I do some breathing exercises like nothing happened just to put on that piece so I walk into work happy smiling but in the back of my mind I've heard like and I'm contemplating if today is gonna be the last day that I live on this earth I went into one um the offices of the ladies that I work with and I'm just asking her questions about the individuals she looks at me and she she actually come okay I'm like yeah I'm okay you know just just got a lot on my mind and she closes her door and she goes are you okay and I just I just was like I'm filling it to me like it's hitting me hard today so she prayed for me and I think her for that and I needed that like so I leave her office and I go to my other boss's office to ask her a question my job still smile you know fake smile just so nobody will ask me from okay so she's like how is everything going okay what's going fine and she looks me in my eyes I say is it really and I broke down I couldn't keep it in um my boss basta the higher boss she actually asked me if I wanted to be seen a hospital so I leave work with her and she bring her to walk in we get to the walk in they tell me that they can't do that there I have to go to emergency room so now I'm like good I'm second-guessing like all right maybe this is the sign I don't want to go but I go um at the emergency room I experienced something I would never want to experience again some talking to the person in the word and then she's taking them information she axes me have you ever thought of hurting yourself I'm here for help you know I say yes I have thought of it before okay I go to them back treat me like I imposed two Psychopaths a suicidal psychopath I go into this room there's nothing in this room there's a big mirror a chair and then across from the big mirror there's a small mirror that you could tell it's a two-way mirror I'm not thinking about nothing of it so they tell me you have to leave my bag outside and change my clothes and take everything off except for my underwear okay so I put like these little paper scrubs on feels like and then I they gave you these hospital socks and I put the hospital socks over my regular socks and the lady opens the door and going to have to take those socks off you can't wear those and from there I just flipped out and started cursing so I'm just screaming like you're watching me undress and didn't say nothing so now my trust for you is gone I don't want to talk about my issues and I just want to leave so then they proceeded to make me take my bobby pins out my hair my earrings on my ears and I couldn't wear my own socks okay and I couldn't wear I had um my adidas slides on and I had to walk around the hospital would just dose sucks up okay um then I after I got dressed they take my bag and it makes me sit in the hallway in front of everybody my boss is still with me she came with me and I wanted her there so I felt more comfortable with her being here I just started crying and the lady that watched me undress is trying to console me and I just flipped on her and was like I don't want to talk to you no more I don't wanna be here I want my stuff and I want to leave so then the doctor comes over and brings me into a room with her boss and he's like he's actually questioning that I'm like I don't want to talk to you guys I said I don't feel comfortable you treated me like I'm some type of social path you watch me undress and then you give me my bag back and you look through my shit I said I don't want to be here I don't want to talk to you and I want to leave so he's trying to convince me to stay for 3d and I said that's not happened give me my clothes back and I want to leave like my whole bag was like rearranged everything in my bag was rearranged I feel like if that's their protocol they need to change if I'm coming to you with postpartum depression for help you just now made me not want to talk to you so you thinking you're helping you just made it worse so the doctor leaves he gets my stuff my clothes I changed and he gives me recommendations on therapists to see mind you after that whole situation I'm still iffy about even talking to anybody anymore that changed my whole perspective i wanting to get help back – I'll handle it myself I go back to my boss transferred me back to the office cuz she had girls that she didn't feel comfortable be driving at the time so we get back to the office and she makes me sit down and call the therapy places all so I could be I could get an appointment with the therapist after I've called some places and everything just kept going to voicemail I just was I was ready to give up again like I give a push um I just didn't want to do it anymore so I go home well go to my aunt's house because she had called me walk called her and I explained to her what happened on my way home she I broke down like that so she wanted me to come over to her house and talk to her so when I got there my son came running up to me and I'm trying not to cry and he said mommy you're taking me home I gotta talk to you I would just go back in the room to watch the TV and the top of your heart and she's trying to calm me down to show me and tell me like you know I just have a lot on my plate and I just need to relax and maybe talking to somebody his best but in my mind I'm like I just wasn't betrayed by people who I thought would help me my best friend contacted me like I treated him badly because I just didn't know how to handle it like I was one wording him and not replying and and that wasn't everybody that day and I finally was like maybe I should have go talk to somebody so I made him play with a therapist I actually have an appointment tomorrow at 5 o'clock after work so I'm hoping this works out for the best because I really don't want to feel like this I made this video because I know a lot of people take both carbon depression as joy or depression of any sort as a joke in being a witness of what it can do and how it can make you feel if if anybody is going through it if they could reach out to anybody somebody anybody I would listen if it's a stranger if it's a friend if it's a family just anybody that would listen and and if somebody's coming to you with depression and is please don't take it as a joke please don't take it like they're choking because you never know what their next move might be the suicide rates have been climbing parents are leaving their kids and a family behind and I know some people that's like oh I would never leave my child alone I would never do that now my their child is hurting but at the end of the day when that person is going through something they're not thinking about their family they're not thinking that their kids are gonna be hurt all they're thinking about is going through something that nobody would understand and thinking that that's the best option and I'm coming to you and I'm coming to anybody with postpartum depression with depression what's anything to not take depression as a joke I'm here I listen I understand I stand with you I stand with anybody that's going through this I will be here if anybody or if anybody knows anybody they can contact me anytime of day just before you make that last move that you think is the right move just reach out to somebody and I hope and pray this video can help somebody out there that's thinking the ending their life is the best option right now or somebody that's thinking their child it's best off without them or the family's best off without them just please think and get help Oh I'll keep you guys updated on my I'll come with therapy and everything I hope you all have a wonderful night you

2 Replies to “Postpartum Depression Story”

  1. Almost cried
    .. Happy u put this out .. Becuz Depression ..Is Very Very Real &Most ppl dont kno thr proper way of dealing with it being in tht loney state..

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