Pregnancy Loss, Miscarriage, Grieving 2nd trimester loss

hi there again I wanted to talk today a little bit about our pregnancy loss so if talking about miscarriage and pregnancy loss is a trigger for you this may not be the video for you however I have found that it is therapeutic and helpful to talk about it and it's one of those things that it is a horrible part of life but it is a part of life and so I it's part of my story so here I am to tell it you'll have to forgive me I'm waiting for my husband outside one of his appointments and I was just feeling the mood to talk a little bit it's been kind of an emotional day and I just got out of therapy and I just kind of wanted to share a little you know about what I'm what I'm going through so last year November and I'm sorry July 2018 my husband and I found out that we were pregnant it was kind of a surprise because we were not planning it and we definitely weren't ready we were in a pretty bad situation we were somewhere where we did not have a stable or safe or healthy living scenario employment was kind of hit or miss and it was just really one of the worst possible times the only thing that could have been worse is maybe if we had a drug problem or you know neither of us had jobs at the time it was just unpredictable at that moment um so you got pregnant I've always wanted to be a mom and finding out that my dreams were coming true was incredibly exciting and terrifying and my husband who he's the one that controls our finances and he really is the overall responsible party not to say that we're not partners but I fully willingly and totally give over a lot of the major choices and major things in our life over to him he's much better at it he is a little bit smarter and he really likes managing all of the big things and I I don't as much I'm more of the gypsy free spirit individual of the two of us which makes a nice balance back on track we found out we were pregnant he was freaking out he was very stressed and kind of in that whole panic what are we gonna do we're that we're never ready or were nobody's ever ready but we are nowhere near to even kind of pretending to that we're ready but we went with it and we started going to all of our prenatals we went to the doctor we started doing all of our everything we were supposed to do you know I stopped drinking caffeine I stopped drinking cold meats and I stopped drinking anything that could be potentially harmful any tea was out I went full crazy mode soft cheese didn't care if it was pasteurized or not even though soft cheese is okay if it's pasteurized milk nope it was off the menu wasn't doing it I went into full-blown crazy mode to make sure that I was doing everything right for my baby and we got our ultrasounds and I saw our little alien face which it's just the cutest friggin little thing straight up looked like a little baby alien skull I was adorable my husband made lots of jokes about being disappointed that it wasn't gonna keep its tail cuz he's like it needs to have a fully functioning prehensile tail that's absolutely required and then that's not gonna happen and you know it's gonna be a weird gnarly like a naked gross prehensile tail not a not a cool like monkey tail and he's like that's unacceptable I need a reroll but we we joked and we started getting excited and we started talking about names and we had narrowed it down to about three different options and we were so excited and I went in for my 14 week prenatal exam and about two weeks before there had been some cramping and bleeding and I had left work early a close down the store where I worked and we went we closed it early and I said you know I need to go to the hospital because something doesn't feel right so I went into the hospital I was about thirty pounds heavier than I am now actually maybe more than that yeah give or take thirty thirty-five pounds heavier I'd already lost a bunch of weight but I was still still here and I still have more progress to go but I was 30 pounds heavier so when they did the ultrasound at the hospital they had trouble finding a heartbeat because they just couldn't get through all of me and for me that was horrible and painful because there was literally too much of me in the way to hear my baby's heartbeat they couldn't find a heartbeat but they saw him moving around so the hospital in the middle of the night just kind of went well you know we can see him moving so everything is fine and just talk to your doctor in two weeks when it's time to check up what we did in my 14 week I went in by myself I didn't go with my husband because I was confident that everything's gonna be okay it's all good I started to feel what felt like little butterflies in my tummy and I've been told that that is the precursor science to movement and kicks this is very excited to see his little face again we had gotten a test to determine his gender the non-invasive I think harmony test was the brand we went with and when my OB did the scan there was no heartbeat and there was no movement and my little boy who and every other scan that we'd found was or we'd had it was just kickin away and the most active crazy little bouncing off the wall baby they I could have imagined he was still and it just that moment just broke my heart because there's nothing you can do once they're gone they're gone and it was horrifying and I just felt guilt I felt like it was my fault because my body betrayed me obviously I had one job and that was to raise and take care of my baby and that was to bring my baby safely into the world and I failed rationally I know that's not the truth I know that there's like a 33% chance of miscarriage and any any pregnancy and I know that these things happen we were doing everything right we were taking precautions everywhere I was avoiding all of my weird of versions of which I had a bizarre aversion to sausage for no reason whatsoever and I just didn't matter and it was it was over my doctor was amazing and he gave me the option of inducing labor or doing a DNC and I I could not do induce labor there was no way that I was going to be able to give birth to my son who was about 14 weeks old at the time and I could not let that be my first birth experience I that would have ruined me that would have broken my spirit and my soul and I I don't know if I could have recovered that so I said let us you know say our goodbyes and and and put me under to remove him and then we will mourn from there and it was hard my husband cried he'd finally kind of gotten on board and started getting excited it was painful it was incredibly painful and it's nothing that I would wish upon my worst enemy because losing the life that you are caring that you're building you're nurturing them from the very very beginning building blocks of their life to lose them is it's horrible it's a horrible punishment but these things happen as horrible as they are they give us experience and they allow us to connect with the humans around us and they allow us to be there and be a sounding board and one of the things that I found is I I was open with my pregnancy I was open with every part of it including when we lost him I shared every every part of it which was hard and some people didn't quite know how to handle that so I I stepped back from them and I tried not to push it onto them but what I found is that people came out of the woodwork that had all experienced something similar almost all of my female friends on Facebook on Instagram everybody was just letting me know you know we went through this and we know how hard it is and we're here if you need to talk and that was amazing to me that that in this moment of absolute misery and sorrow and grief and the one of the most horrible moments of my life there were people that were reaching out that I barely spoke with that knew what I was going through and for me that that was amazing and I wanted to be somebody that was there for everybody else as well that I could help then I could just be a voice so that you know that you're not alone so that is my thing I did good I didn't cry that is my video for today a little long kind of a downer sorry about that but it is now mid late June 2018 and we have some good news on the way so if you want to hang in there a little bit we have something good to share with you in a couple of our next videos so thank you for listening I appreciate you and I just want you to know you are not alone thanks for watching

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