Prepartum and Postpartum Depression

everybody it's raining I hope you're all having a good day let me set this up a little better I can while driving Luke that award not too sure let's hope that works I'm going through a little bit of construction here so it's not the easiest spot so I have to kind of set this up and safest way from you did vlog and chat with you guys while driving almost no better like Easter this unlogged but I guess kind of so anyways this isn't going to be a fun video to do so I really haven't thought about it a lot and I really am not sure how to approach this so bear with me and I take a little while to think about exactly I want to portray this and you know what everything about this out there so I wanted to talk about postpartum but I also want me to talk about depression during pregnancy because there was a lot of help for me personally at least when I was finished with my pregnancy and my depression kind of got bad and everything else but as far as you know the depression during pregnancy it was really I don't know it was a lot harder to get help for that and not a lot of people seem to hear about that or understand that so I kind of want to explain my situation with everybody so I know I have two children I have a three-year-old she'll be three and a half and a little bit in a couple months so she's I believe like three years and four months right now the 15th will be a month or so not for a while she was just eight months old anyways my experiences with be pregnant with those two little ones was completely different so I kind of get into that and then that's mother first of all stories and such I'm going to share about making decisions about you know keeping babies and how many kids to have lifestyle whether you should action whether you should consider an abortion or just a lot of information that I feel could be helpful for people going through some hard times right now postpartum depression while you're pregnant so my first pregnancy I never thought I was going I thought I had done some damage to my body because it just wasn't receptive to anything and everything just seemed like I would never be able to have kids so when I actually realized I could I was ecstatic I was so excited to find out it was just everything I had extremely bad freedom SIA I mean dangerously bad just the water went in the swelling it was to the point where my skin had actually lived in a few spots like open leading because the water weight was so bad and I wasn't even with anything down but I was still so happy because I wanted this girl girl so bad it was some of the things I had went through in life it was just like a miracle for me and then I had her and I decided later as she was getting older that okay have another one I'd love to have ideally two little girls but you know life is what it is so some things happen along the way and then when I was ready and with a partner that you know that things realized forever type of partners and we could see myself what we started to try for a little one it was once once – nothing's happening sad things happen just nothing was working so I felt very down very negative about it after I and even though if she was a miracle and I loved her and I cherished even being sick and horribly high blood pressure and not be able to sleep and my skin tearing I was still the day I had Riley I was sobbing and I was writing in this journal and I'll take a picture and show it somewhere but it was just the whole page of paper like there was not a blank spot there's no white to be seen because every little tiny corner I was writing notes to her about how I wish I could be pregnant with her forever that loved her so much for his clothes I have heard as we were during my pregnancy when we are still that close I was wonderful and such good experience so I'm just entirely blessed for that but anyways so it was just a beautiful experience but after I had her I got very depressed I've always had depression with my PTSD that's been you know six years since the event that caused me to have PTSD you know I had it well pregnant so it was just very hard to cope with the postpartum after because of that it was just really bad mix of things but luckily I had Reilly and that really good support system with it so anyway so jump around a little there but going back to fact of things that's trying and trying to have another baby we then found out that I was pregnant that was working and just really had things going a different way and I kind of had to a point where I was like alright well it's not gonna happen for me we're going to end up just having the one little girl I know that that's totally fine and then we got to the point where like I said we realized oh wow I'm finally I'm pregnant after trying for a long time now super excited I had thought it was gonna be a boy I hadn't got feeling for some reason I was like no I really hope it's a little girl it turns out we went and got like an early ultrasound done Nicole I just I love her with all my heart she was there for my pregnancy dryly she is there for me now and she was amazing so I had one in and it turned out it was a little girl my name is Reagan Paige and I love her to death she's totally different from Riley but now that she's been here and it's born and everything else I'm so thankful to have them both but anyways it was a little girl all right that's fantastic that's what I wanted I've always wanted the little girl or two of Austin that's perfect maybe one day down the line I'll have three kids but right now this is exactly what I wanted is to little girls close together that's perfect it was okay the first few and then my depression just went out of control I have never experienced something like that I've never been in a lower place in my life it was like everything I had handled or dealt with from my PTSD from my past from everything at once and it wasn't in a good way it was in a really hard to deal with what and so I was just kind of in shock I thought it was and then it got to the point where couple months more along now I could start to feel the baby move and I don't hear anyone talking openly about this so I'm gonna bite the bullet and I'm gonna do it because it's not I don't think it's a longer taboo word it should be hard for people to talk about and unfortunately it still is but I felt like something foreign wasn't a bad I felt like my skin was crawling every time I would feel this last pregnancy the baby mule or kick or do anything I would get so panicked because I felt like it was something invading my body I felt like falling underneath my skin or like they it had an alien inside of me and it was just the most foreign and uncomfortable feeling I've ever been through ability in my life and get panicky at first and then once a little time when I would get angry and I'm a very docile very even reversed and I would get so angry any movement only the baby kicking or anything impossible to this way and I was so I didn't sleep my doctor's appointment so anywhere I don't want to be seen it took me until the third trimester to tell people that I was having a baby like I had sent you anybody wasn't seeing every day is that it was so upset about the fact that I was pregnant and I felt like it was my body and something that didn't have a right to be inside of me once I felt like almost like being sexually assaulted but because I was pregnant and every time I would try to talk to somebody like family or whatever they would judge me maybe like that's terrible the baby can't help with and it's like alright but I need help I need someone to be there now that looking at now that I have her she's born she's no evil it's all day and a half month old like I'm so happy to have her and I'm so thrilled than ever and I think the way people treated me it was disgusting and I don't think it's fair to just to write it off as well baby's innocent how dare you think like that that was so wrong on so many levels I would never ever treat somebody like that or react that way to somebody especially not now because you have a right to feel I didn't see it I think it's right that I'm thinking this way or feeling this way I said this is what I feel and I would have full-blown anxiety attacks panic attacks even it would even trigger PTSD flashes I was petrified the baby would certainly I would just I would literally start shaking and panicking and I would I got to look my brows Mohammedan everything they would be really active I'd go in the vomit I'd be so stressed out and so upset and then I had preeclampsia just as bad again and the water weight and swelling took me from 125 him a third trimester starting it it took me at the end of my pregnancy that was one hundred ninety-nine point eight pounds like it almost nothing and it was almost all swelling water away because after I had this itty-bitty baby she was right at about five pounds only just because my preeclampsia was so bad he's maybe smaller and I was really small I was born if I found three ounces that was five pounds you're awesome at one point when I would say we have very small babies in our family her dad was four problems that I think for fourteen ounces when he was born something like that so it's for at least our situation but she was really little as a point and after I had her I think it was gosh I think it was 37 or 38 bonds I can't remember which of the two that just fell off me like within a week like right away it was like two days later that I was down 25 pounds and then a couple of days after that and like I said it was 37 or 38 pounds just gone without doing anything just having a baby and it was bad I have a condition where they had to go in through my subclavian vein which is the vein underneath her collarbone or like to the side of it because I don't have external things and always those little had weakened veins and they can't they're just too buried especially from some of the bad things that happened the event that gave me PTSD had such a bad and significant scarring and scar tissue that they can't get through very easily so that contributed really negatively to everything and it was just an ugly situation so both times they had to take input its wired through like kind of your neck and you know in here and it was just a mess everything was just just a bad a traumatic experience Sooni but going back on track people judge the hell out of me and it made me hate being pregnant even more and it made me start to heat the pregnancy itself I didn't associate that it was a baby inside of me this time around I didn't associate that it was she was related to me that she was part of me I was almost angry that she was taking from me that she was going to have a life and everything because of me because I felt like she was please and I found out that that's because most part of depression doesn't always go away you can get partum depression or pretty part of depression excuse me I'm using the wrong term but it's very misunderstood and not talked about at all and I didn't know and so finally I had called a therapist who I really really trusted and I used to talk to when I was really young we talked to me through my first pregnancy and everything and I opened up to him and he was the one who made No people go through this it's just not talked about some people even have it words their baby is five six months old and they finally start coming around and feeling an attachment then for me that's not how when the moment I had the baby I held her and looked at her and like everything went away like I was back to where I was like with my first pregnancy just happy and thrilled and totally in love with everything so I want away immediately then but for some people it doesn't and that's okay you know as long as you're not abusing the child or doing something unhealthy because of where you're at mentally it's okay it's okay to hate the pregnancy because you don't actually hate your baby because you're not associating it with being a baby and I think so many people are afraid to say this is what I felt and I know I was because people were judging me and that's sick and you're a horrible person when I knew it wasn't because I I love people and I love and people making a difference it was just I was going through and depression and still postpartum depression from you know my daughter before her ride and everybody just made me feel like I had to keep it to myself I was being judged it was wrong and you were saying negative and harsh things about a baby you know everybody reacts shocked and on I don't like asking for help I like helping people so it was really hard for me to admit it in the first place and then I was getting shunned because of it and it was really awful all around so I'm here to try to attend it share my story and say you're not alone it's not a bad thing it's ok to have these thoughts because it's the depression talking it's the mental state you're in from the hormonal changes from the emotional changes from the stress on your body and on your mind and it goes away it gets better especially if you're accepted and you're not made to feel like a bad person because of it because the moment people started making me feel like oh well you're just evil and you're sick and that's disgusting that you feel that way I was in being resentful like wow I can't even have a conversation with somebody because of this situation I don't even want and why am I going through with this and like I said now I cannot imagine my life without this little girl she's one of the two best things that's ever happened to me I would never change I would never ever go back and not have her in a million years but I really wish that people would have handled it the way they did or that there was someone out there that I could have related to and that's kind of why I'm posting this I want people people to know it's OK in like the Labor story with this baby this is my PTSD the pain of that especially where the pain is isolated when you're having a baby contractions and stuff are you know in an area that would bring back a lot from my assault it just it was awful the first time around with Riley compared to this time around but I still emotionally had a harder time having this baby so you to kind of give back story really quickly when I had my first baby I couldn't get an epidural nothing like that because they tried for three hours plus to poke my arms and to poke my body and to get get a snip despite knowing how much scar tissue I had and they couldn't and then while I was ten centimeters dilated they decided to put a PICC line through my neck and subclavian so they could get fluids in me at 10 centimeters dilated with my first daughter and it was ours that was about a full 24 hours in labor before I can went to the hospital and I was there for and I can't even guess how many like three hours of poking it was like another three hours before we got to that point that I was there just talking to people it was just an awful awful experience this time around because they knew how bad it went the first time this is time with my recent daughter Regan everybody was in play they had an anesthesiologist there right away put in the PICC line put everything in you know how that induced right up a break before like 39 weeks I believe it was like a day or two before 39 weeks visible but my preeclampsia got I was trying to wait out as long as I could for the baby's sake despite how I felt what happened happened so we ended up having to go on a couple days before 39 weeks whereas my other daughter was like she took a while she was a little late and everything but this time was smooth it wasn't this horrible screaming mess I had everything in and was prepared and really really handled it I went on like the lowest amount of you so I still felt everything it felt awful and I wasn't asking them to give me more so it was wearing off and pretty much gone by the time I actually had her because I didn't want them to we do what her add more strengthen it up I was like alright even though this is killing me I can do this so even though the labor it was way better this time around it still was a harder mental experience for me because of how you know it was there's traffic and people being retarded if you know he sees the language I don't feel so good to see it retarded that's just like a term to be used or anything as I feel that is wrong but anyways I I tried to kind of cope with everything the best I could during labor and during delivery and everything else with this little one and I didn't necessarily handle it the best even though went very smoothly I just I felt depressed I felt this connect and then when I had the baby and felt under my arms I was like wow you know this is this is everything it should be everything I wanted to be like I don't know why I did so I asked my point in sharing this story with you is to say I don't know it's just to say you're not alone don't worry but you don't have to be afraid to talk to somebody you don't have to be afraid of what you're feeling because you deserve to get help – you're a person – if you were a baby once – I was pregnant with you – and if they were depressed you would want them to get help and you'd want them to be able to reach out to somebody let's never forget you are just as much to be human that baby is and maybe they're more helpless and but doesn't mean we don't know you need to be comfortable reaching out saying hey this is what I feel and if people won't listen and after those people go and find somebody that understands whether it has to be a counselor or it is the close friend would listen if you must you know if you feel like you still need to talk to your mother or your best friend or your husband whatever it may be if you still let me get them to understand you maybe get some literature on it showing this video help them to see it's okay and it's not and the things do get better help them to see that it's that you need help dealing with your pretty part of depression and it's not that you're a bad person or anything like that at all so please just don't do nothing because I just by the end of it had to kind of sit in the dark and wait because nobody was really listening to me until like I said I talked to that one counselor that I had known for a long time when I was younger and while I wish I would have done that a lot sooner I opened up a lot sooner because I found out it was an actual clinical problem I had it wasn't something I was making up it wasn't not a big deal it was a really big deal and if I would have been able to get help and manage my depression better well pregnant it would have made them feel the difference so just know that these thoughts don't make you evil it doesn't mean you'll never ever connect with your child and that everything in the world is going to go bad it just simply means that you're going through something really hard and that postpartum depression that comes after for a lot of people don't think that there's nothing you can do yes a lot of times the last long time and it feels so hopeless because you just feel so alone but aren't alone and there's a lot of people and a lot of support groups the literature out there that can help you for me one of the biggest helps was watching people on YouTube to talk about you know what they were going through and like I said it was all about postpartum nothing about like a 3-part on the depression but even just hearing people talk about how they felt I could relate and it helped me a lot so don't be afraid to reach out and look or even google what you're feeling right in like you know I hate I hate that I'm pregnant or I I don't feel connection to my baby and yeah there's negative comments out there in forums there's a few really good articles that people posted apart from one second huge I can finish this up but there are a few really really good articles that people posted and wrote that are beautifully said and really beautifully done so maybe think about looking into one of those and really reaching out you know just a good counselor to someone you care about that you feel wouldn't judge you and wouldn't put you in a worse spot already then you already are I should say there is hope and I know it is such a low and hopeless feeling but there is so much more to life than being down and being depressed and your life isn't over because of what you're feeling and because of how low a moment this is your high moment is coming back so don't give up or hurt yourself or someone else because you think it's always gonna be like this to me I thought this feeling was never gonna end this is how my the rest of my life is going to be and it's not true it's not like that at all anymore and my little ones not even a year old and I don't feel an ounce of what I felt before I still have PTSD of course because that's always gonna be there and I'm still I still have the depression I've had in general but the postpartum and the prepartum are just about gone and I'm doing so much better it's so easy to manage with good supportive people so remember it's okay no matter what someone says what you're feeling isn't wrong you're not evil you're not a bad person you deserve help just as much as a baby would or any other person whose you are a human being who deserves to be loved and listened to and understood you don't you don't deserve to go through hell and back alone and silently and it nothing good comes out of that it doesn't benefit you in any way so just really stand up for yourself and if like I said if people won't listen and really try to find somebody a good counselor who won't judge you and even if you have a good opgi and try to talk to them lately I know I hesitated because it was like oh well what if you know what if they call somebody or if they think I'm an unfit mother but if you can really trust your OBGYN then that's not a bad decision either they're maybe they can wreck it on somebody really helpful so again talk to somebody or at the very least if you don't even want to talk to anyone or you feel you can't or just aren't ready to take that step watch this video and read articles and at least know that you're not alone it gets better it gets okay and you're going to have something wonderful come out of this it is most likely if you're feeling prepartum depression you're way too far along you don't have options you now have to finish this pregnancy and see it through so just know it's okay hang in there if you start feeling sick if you have you know side effects and they're not listening push for it push for your rights I had preeclampsia but the protein wasn't showing up in the beginning and I knew I had it because I had it before and my blood pressure was off the charts and everything the swelling was unbearable I knew it wasn't just side effects so I pushed and they did more tests and it was like worst case preeclampsia really really bad so taking a stand for yourself feels really good it might be hard to take that in a fuel step but believe me it's so worth it and life is so much better once you start caring for yours so hang in there guys I love you and I will be here to support you guys and to give my stories to try to help others sorry this is a super long video but I hope y'all are alright and I'll check in with you guys soon have a beautiful day

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