President Trump’s Approval Rating, Birth Control Gel – Monologue


-Let’s get to the news. According to a new poll, President Trump’s
approval rating has risen to 46%. Though, the only question
on the poll was, “Would you rather have
President Trump or scabies?” [ Laughter ] A start-up in San Francisco
has developed a way to make an aged whiskey
in just 24 hours. They just put the whiskey
in a bottle and put the bottle
in front of CNN. [ Laughter ] Researchers launched
the first-ever large-scale test of a male birth control gel
that is rubbed on and absorbed through the skin. Wow, I can remember when this was the only
male birth control gel. Very effective. [ Cheers and applause ] Ozzy Osbourne turned 70 today,
and technically — -Whoo!
-Yeah. Technically, it was
a surprise party. [ Cheers and applause ]
“It’s my birthday.” “It’s my birthday.” Starbucks has announced
that it will block pornography on its in-store WiFi in 2019. But bad news for them —
all I need is that mermaid lady. [ Laughter ] A worker at a food-processing
factory in Wisconsin has been sentenced to four years
in federal prison for putting foreign objects
into sausage links. Of course, in Wisconsin,
that could just mean vegetables. A couple visiting New York
from England this weekend got help from the NYPD
recovering an engagement ring after it was dropped
through a grate in Times Square during the proposal. Said the woman, “Oh, thank God. Now I can finally say no.” “You have it?
You officially have it? No!” She said yes, you guys. Relax. A company has developed
a new robotic arm that attaches to toilet lids and automatically
puts the seat down. And it says a lot about men
that this was an easier solution than just asking them to do it. [ Cheers and applause ] “I could. I could do it, or —
or hear me out — robot arm.” Parents of first-graders
at a New Jersey school received an apology letter
last week after a substitute teacher
told the class that Santa Claus isn’t real. Even worse, she told them that
when someone texts “on my way,” it means they haven’t left yet. A vintage TWA Airlines plane
from 1956 arrived at New York’s
JFK Airport last week, where it will soon be converted into a 1960s-themed
cocktail bar. Though, if you really want to
pretend it’s 60 years ago, go to LaGuardia. [ Cheers and applause ] And finally, a teacher
at a Hawaii preschool last week mistakenly served students
the cleaning product Pine-Sol instead of apple juice
during snack time. On the bright side,
when the kids threw up, it smelled great.

100 Replies to “President Trump’s Approval Rating, Birth Control Gel – Monologue”

  1. These are the same type of people who, for years after Nixon resigned, insisted he did nothing wrong because "everybody does it."

  2. If i have to make the effort to lift the seat, are women SO RETARDED that they cant put it down on their own? Are women THAT HELPLESS??

  3. Being entrepreneurs, the Trump bros should harvest that greasy sheen they seem to naturally produce, bottle it and sell as literal snake oil.

  4. 2:06 i think i’m one of few men that actually puts the site down when i’m done with my business, but i actually put the lid down too, my mother thinks i’m weird.

  5. Wasn't a teacher serving PineSol – was an assistant. The teacher smelled it when she brought the kids back into the room. All children who had sipped it were medically attended to at a hospital. No one threw up. That was a (bad) joke.

  6. I could do it or so can you. Think about it I have to put it up then down for you? How about I pick it up and you put it down? Sounds fair right? Or I can just leave it down and try not to pee on the seat.

  7. I know Seth Meyers caters to Trump haters. But we who do not vote based on race or gender, who think with our heads not our hearts, and who know big government is the mother of tyranny, inequality, and bankruptcy, also know fake news when we see it. Seth is nothing if not fake news about Trump.

  8. I invented a light clip that illuminates the seating area of the toilet so those who wish to sit can determine if the seat is already down or it must be lowered prior to sitting.

  9. Hows your liver seth? Maybe tell make up to ease off the jaundice hue.. ah, on the very off chance people see this, im just kidding, love the show…but really, u yellow.

  10. Wow. Ozzie is 70?
    I saw Ozzie at the New Haven coliseum on his 40th birthday.
    I remember we were stuck in the parking garage for hours and hours afterwards because someone jumped off/fell/was pushed (I don't remember which was the determined cause)from the roof and landed near the exit and it became a crime scene.

  11. 2:05 But why leave just the seat down? Close the whole thing! You should before you flush anyway, right? It's called a "lid" people, close the lid!

  12. A bit sexist to imply that a man invented the robot arm to put the toilet seat down. You haven’t heard that there are female engineers now?

  13. Yeah, that Pine-Sol was an "accident." By the way, women are lucky men remember to raise the lid BEFORE they pee. So stop complaining and just put the lid back down!

  14. do you guys hear all of those “awws” literally for no reason. People get offended from the tiniest things!! #UnitedStaresOfPussies

  15. Never understood the whole toilet seat thing. It is a very simple contraption: it moves up, and it moves down, if you need it down, just move it down yourself! Why are men always shamed for forgetting to put it down?? Why is it OUR responsibility? Fuckers get in trouble if they DON'T lift it up before doing their business, which would be fair, but why do we have to move it down for you when you can do it yourself? Are you that lazy? Can we start demanding women to move it uponce they are done their business? No? Why not? What is the big fucking issue of where it is? Move it to what you need and get on with your life. If your argument is that its easy to do and we can just do it…guess what? That argument can be applied in the other direction too, its easy, you can just do it as well.

  16. i bet people look at the economy and use that to see if the president is doing a good job. an economy that has been steadily rising since obama…

  17. Wait, Santa isn't real? Then who the hell has been eating the cookies I leave out? And who's leaving soot covered footprints from the fireplace to the tree? And who's been shitting on my roof?

  18. Never understood that whole toilet seat crap, like why is it that women want men to lift it up but they have a problem lowering it? That's a double standard and a bit hypocritical…

  19. How the hell is it even 46% that’s not good at all… but that seems a little too high for a president that’s so stupid.

  20. I've heard of child care givers accidently using Clorox wipes instead of baby wipes, so pinesol for apple juice isn't too surprising.

  21. I’m about equality on the toilet suit issue. My wife has every right to be angry with me when I forget to put it down. I too get a little annoyed having too pee through a smaller target when she forgets to put it up.

  22. Do people find this funny? Honest question. Not trying to be mean. It’s not boring, but I don’t find this guy funny at all.

  23. The toilet seat joke is so true! Now I just need to find a toilet seat and sanitation assist in one for those a-holes that refuse to wash their hands.

  24. Ive a friend who made the agreement with her roomate…

    He put the seat down when he was done, she put the seat up when she was done.

    Some people just naturally understand compromise, and have an acute abhorrence of double standards, no matter how inconsequential those double standards are.

    Me, I live alone, and still put the seat down. Because I poop, sometimes in a hurry.

  25. Women should accept the fact that they have to lower the toilet seat, men have to raise the seat, women lower the seat, everybody has to touch it once, it's fair.

  26. All the polls I have done and seen put T approval rating at about 10% max. That is 'Highly Disapprove'.

  27. I do you a favor by putting the toilet seat up so I don't piss on it. If you don't want to sit IN the toilet, put the seat down. You're welcome.

  28. I figured out that Santa wasn't real at quite a young age, but was astute enough to keep the illusion going so as to not upset the gravy train!

  29. Learn to sit, guys. Peeing standing up leads to splashing. Yes, even when YOU do it. Yes YOU, guy who comments “that doesn’t happen when I pee; you must be doing it wrong!”

  30. for the first 16 years, the original starbucks logo had actual bared breasts.
    edit: they had to change it because america couldn't handle a drawing of breasts on their paper coffee cup.

  31. Women how fall in the toilett are stupied and you as man should run away from such a women. And women a man how piss in the total bathroom and does not clean it run away because he is a idiot like the swiming toilett women!!!

  32. I always but the seat down, even when growing up. It pisses me off just seeing the inside of a toilet lol, idk why I just like it closed.

  33. I think women should have accountability when it comes to putting the seat down. Like, I'm not gonna treat you like you're a common sense human being, some of the time. Lmao, women gotta grow up at some point fam, gotta stop treating them with special treatment while they argue for equality. (Which in most western nations they have more protections than most and cuagra isnt just for erections, it's for a lot of cardiovascular issues and thats why its offered through medicade and not contraception.)

  34. If you get bored, let me suggest we play a youtube comment section game.
    It's like this, find the angry, detached from reality, defensive, argumentative, Trump supporter in the comment section.
    Easy to locate, because they use words like "libtard" thinking it's so clever and the funniest thing ever.
    And they marinate their texts with NPC because they are so "clever"?
    They are obsessed with Hilary or any of the Clintons.
    They may mention conspiracy theories long ago debunked yet continually reported on Fox News.
    They are serious about a Fox News/Qanon term like deep state.

    They parrot Fox News as if it's some kind of gospel.
    They liberally use terms like Obumer to describe Obama, using the same hysterical (to them) word play as the libtard and Hitlery Clinton nonsense.
    They may bring up a Soros controlled reptile/human hybrid who compulsively votes for Democrats. (Because that sounds real)
    Often they use terms like MAGA at the start, middle and end of a comment as if it's the most intelligent acronym ever created or as if it actually means something.
    (It's not and It doesn't.)

    Notice anytime a bad sentiment is uttered about Mr. Failed, actor, reality star and business man turned con artist Trump, they comment like belligerent drunks and they argue the same way.
    Because when he is insulted, They act as if he is their best friend/relative or Messiah an has been unfairly slighted.
    Then acting like their lord/king they seek instant “commen-tribution” by having a tantrum sans twitter.

    There are many more trumpisms they obsessively use, but because I am not writing a book on the trumpist effect on the conservative mind, I have not learned more Trumpisms.

    There are no prizes for playing this game, but it could be fun because now they may be forced to turn to page ten or twenty of the Fox News guide to trolling a liberal, progressive or one who has a dissenting opinion from the gospel of Trump.

    And…
    game on.

    Have fun.

    (If the game becomes worthy of playing please mention that this game was a collaborative effort with
    Sib Anna C.

    Thnx.)
    🙂

  35. How does this guy still have a job, forget about politics for a second, half his jokes only got a sympathetic snicker from the audience.

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