Queer Mama for Autostraddle: shots and credit cards, an IVF story

hello and welcome back I wanted to answer the big question everyone has which is how did we do it it's pretty obvious being that we're tous is female people that we needed some help I've always wanted to carry a baby I've always thought it would be like the coolest thing ever and my partner Simone has never wanted to carry baby it does not jive with her sense of being in her body and her gender and all these other things so we knew that I would be the one to get pregnant and we decided that I would carry Simone's baby eventually trying IVF in February of 2014 but sadly it ended in a miscarriage in April of 2014 I feel like self-conscious that like this part isn't very fun but the reality for me is that getting pregnant wasn't very fun this is not a story like we went to Vegas and we got drunk and we stopped using condoms queer procreation often isn't like that oh here what was the hardest part of a miscarriage yeah but you mean the second time or yeah just I'm doing IVF well the financial burden is very big because it's literally like putting tens of thousands of money down on like red we basically put IVF on a credit card two rounds of IVF with two rounds yeah and the first round was went terribly awry though the fact that we went back and did it again is particularly ridiculous and a little bit may be going against we should have done logically we were told we had about at best a 50% chance of having a baby so Dan is like putting a bunch of money down flipping a coin there's like a whole other story about why our first time didn't work but regardless of the reason it's like we'd come so far that to like stop would feel it's the gamblers burden yeah exactly it's like you lose and what do you do do you walk away from the table or do you double down go down and basically we double down the first time we transferred one embryo the night we transferred three we doubled down so we'd really double down this is a prime example of how we live our life this is actually kind of like who we are and we really wanted to make this baby hop in this way I wrote a lot more about this in the column but I just I really wanted someone's baby I just wanted their baby and I did mm-hmm how could I not just love you so much yeah he knows how much it meant to me and also it became really important to her in the process right so we both had this common goal and we're not quitters no I don't give up very easily I don't like to take the easy way I just I just wanted to have your baby so fucking horrible so the way we did it was I start taking stimulation drugs for all of my follicles to grow and then when they've decided they're ready they gave you a special trigger shot that basically tells your ovaries to release all of the eggs and just before your ovaries are gonna do that naturally they go in with a giant needle and suck every follicle empty hopefully those follicles are filled with eggs would say that can get they fertilize them with our donor sperm and then they grew them for three days saw how they were looking and because of someone's age and the fact that they were three day old embryos they decided to transfer three – – which have been prepared with hormones mainly progesterone and Esther then I was nervous going in we were on our way we were in the car and you were like I don't know if we should transfer three like what if we end up with twin and I was like I'm never doing this again and like I really want there to be a shot at having a baby I think it was so hard the hormones are awful I mean not everyone reacts the same way but they're really hard for you for me like it was horrible I was so exhausted on the progesterone it's kind of like being in the first trimester before you even are pregnant and then estrogen I felt like super moody all the time so I convinced Simone that like I wanted to go for wanted those three embryos inside me we worked so hard I wanted have a baby so we transferred three ham breo's and that's how we got pregnant I let Hayley take it from here I hope that made sense there's like so much to say about IVF and getting pregnant and why we decided to do it and you know that was just a small slice of it so if there's something you want to know more about you should totally let me know and I'll do another episode in the meantime subscribe to my channel if you haven't already and follow me on Twitter and I will see you soon

13 Replies to “Queer Mama for Autostraddle: shots and credit cards, an IVF story”

  1. Haley/Camilla your story is fascinating for many reasons and definitely deserves to be told and analyzed in all aspects and angles (and probably have in student papers over the years worldwide). Seems to me for someone who for years was trying to escape all 'normalcy', 'vanilla' and 'establishment' ideals you seem to desperately seek here every conventional, habits and norms including the house, baby and white picket fence. But you are far from being 'conventional' and I doubt that fiery spirit of yours will settle in the 'housewife' (even if in lesbian-style) role… plus with people reminding your child of your hardcore XXX exploits online every day and finding material growing up everywhere on the internet I doubt 'normalcy' will be the end result. I'm of course interested to know how this will evolve but in all likelihood the 'rebel' you embody will feel trapped in whatever housewife role more than the restraints seen holding you in the many BDSM scenes you were in.

  2. do u guy recommend a clininc/ doctor to work with? im a trans male my partner is a cis female. i still got my eggs. how much is the cost more or less? does the baby end up looking like both of you or simone and the sperm donor?

  3. I know this video was from awhile ago but my soon to be wife and I are starting the process of ttc we are trying to track my ovulation and whatnot. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on what type of ovulation tests to get and if you would recommend the cheap ones …also do you have any advice on pre ttc… I know eating better and weight loss would be good for me but any other recommendations from you would be awesome! Btw I love love love your channel you always give such good advice and I like that you give a lot of great info too! Kat

  4. Hello girls! I am so glad I found you and your beautiful family. I knew of you from Chentel from Mabel's Moms. I am a lesbian as well and have 2 wonderful sons, they are 28 years old and 26 years old. Being a mama is a beautiful happening. Blessings!

  5. You're right- having a baby when you're queer is the least fun thing you'll ever do. Worth it, but hard.

  6. thank you so much for this. i'm a queer hopeful mama to be, and just miscarried. it just sucks. (i'm not doing ivf, though.) i look forward to that vlog and have really enjoyed the series so far!

  7. Congratulations on your current pregnancy! I will be embarking on the IVF journey soon already taking the Birth control pills! I hope everything has been going smooth with your pregnancy!

  8. Hi lovelies, thank you for your vlog and sharing your story. Is there anyway you might touch on the issue of why the first pregnancy did not continue? If this is too sensitive, that is understandable, thank you for sharing all that you have. Xo

  9. It's a vulnerable place to be to tell this story, but the process of sharing it with the queer community and world has already been a meaningful one.

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