Still struggling (baby plans, house, etc) (no edits)



hey I hope you can hear me okay I'm sitting in my car I just tried filming with the a/c off but it is too hot to sit in a car that is about 90 degrees in here so I hope this isn't too loud I feel like I never have any time and so this is this is the time I have is to sit here before I start my commute home and chat for a sec I don't think anyone's like dying for an update but I thought I should give one because I've been so bad about updating on YouTube it's just been hard to find any time to do anything much less sit down and edit a vlog so this vlog will likely not be edited which means you will probably have to have your ears bleed while I'd say I'm a million times and like and for some reason I do this thing with my mouth sorry normally I cut those out but I just I just haven't had time to edit usually like they like look better than I look when I do vlogs cuz that's for the internet to see and there are some harsh critics out there but I just I'm not gonna worry with myself with that right now um it's it's been hard I've been struggling a little bit and I don't think that anyone likes to share that they are struggling especially to the internet and I feel like I was doing so good last year which is I thought where that's the reason I was sharing is because I felt so good I thought I could help inspire others and part of me feels hard on myself because I like why am i why how did I lose that why am I not as good as I was last year how do you go through so much progress and then slip but I've been listening to some podcasts about like overwhelm and relief and stress and things like that and I'm realizing I've probably mentally and physically pushed my body with all of these basement fixes we've been working on we're so close though we just got carpet installed yesterday it looks so good we mostly are just down to like finishing touches it's surprising how long those things can take we also have things we want to still finish upstairs and we want to paint the entire outside so there's still a lot to do but for the basement we're just about done we were hoping to be moved out of it in July and then it was gonna be August and now we're actually thinking of possibly moving even later so that's kind of a good thing though because at least now that might take some pressure off of us to start functioning like normal human beings instead of having like two full-time jobs it's been so hard because for the last four to five months this has been all we've done has just been working on this basement there has been no weekend with relief every night has been a project I felt overwhelmed and to my maxed like two months ago and each night I have to like mentally kept myself up and be like okay let's do it again you can do this last night I told myself you only have to work for 30 minutes and then I ended working for two hours because I'm someone who like once I start a project or I start a job I don't want to do half of it and then I want to complete the whole thing so my my I ended up just going away longer than I then I wanted to I've put on a little bit of weight back which again is hard because I've been spouting all this weight lost success and then I feel like a hypocrite when I can't maintain it but at the same time I would hope people would maybe be a little understanding of that when when you're a food addict it's not something that you just completely cure first time you know and I am still making like better choices than I would have in the past but not as great as I would have maybe four months ago when I didn't have the kind of stress I have I'm also exhausted I'm not getting the kind of sleep that I want to get and or the the amount of hours I would like to get and my commute is hard thing is though we've all got hard things going on and I feel like such a whiny a person seeing this kind of stuff because we've all got something and I was talking to someone the other day and they were saying that they've been trying to work on understanding that we can't wait for the problem that were in to be removed and then we can like be relieved we need to learn how to work through our problems even while they're going on we can't be like oh I'll be better once this is removed once the basements removed from my plate it's I need to figure out how to work function function like a normal human even with the basement on my plate so anyway I don't know I don't want to come on here and seem like Oh what was me my life was hard because I'm very very lucky I have so many so many things that I'm happy about and and excited for and I honestly think I would feel those things more if I wasn't so tired so honestly my goal right now is to work on my sleep once I can get better sleep I feel like everything else is gonna improve wow this is going on I'm also reminded that one year ago exactly a year ago I had just begun my healing process of like okay I'm gonna work on healing my body I'm gonna work on healing my mind I'm gonna start with a therapist and I think even though it's not a conscious thought of like oh this is happening a year ago there's like this unsettled sadness that just kind of crept up on me this spring and I think it's just my body's reminder of like this time last year what I was going through so I'm trying to battle those feelings as well trying to go back to the basics of things I learned last year and just sort through that all the while we do have a diet but that's wrapping up in about a week and we do have a new game that we want to start mid-july it's gonna start July 17th you're probably thinking why are you starting up another game the thing is I really love it that's something that brings me joy is hosting these games I have not given the effort that I wanted to give to my own weight loss but being able to help other people on theirs just makes me feel so like it gives me purpose so I've I've really loved it um and the thing too is because the basement should really be wrapping up in like a couple weeks I feel like I will be able to give my full effort back to my health and I want this upcoming to be upcoming game to be different than any other game I've ever hosted before I've been trying to figure out my plan for it and I don't have it worked out quite yet but I wanted to go something along the lines of me giving my full plan workout meals recipes and all of that stuff right when we start so if you want to follow along with what I do you have the exact full plan of the work out the exact flow plan of the meals recipes whatever you need obviously I'm a full believer that everyone's body is different and you need to find the thing that works for you what works for me may not work for you but at least it can give you the idea of some ideas and some things to try and I also hope to give like every single day a podcast or a YouTube video something to help inspire you to stay on track right or at least educate you about your mind in your body and we might be giving away an airfryer anyway if you have any interest I'm gonna put the link to that game in the description box so feel free to check it out and what else did I want to say oh I think I think we've made up our mind on a decision for the baby stuff I am still struggling like I'm struggling with everything I am struggling to figure out what to share what not to share it's so hard because like I've said before my my biology is removed and so in one way or another whether we do egg donor or embryo adoption or foster or adoption I mean we are leaning towards one and I've said before which one we're leaning towards but if we change our mind okay that's not gonna make sense okay anyway no matter what we use someone else is getting involved not only just like what doctors like another person with their biology in one way or another is getting involved and I just imagine like 18 years from now 20 years from now whenever we finally have the baby hopefully we don't have a B for tears I mean when they're an adult like I said I'm tired having the conversation of explaining exactly how this child came to be and of course like I want to be telling this child from the beginning of their life but age appropriately and if we do to adoption or if we do use a donor of some form I want them to be able to choose once once they're an adult if they want to reach out to the other people who are involved and I'm trying to figure from their perspective how they would feel if before we even met them I had already shared to strangers all about their life because that may not be something they want revealed I mean it's their life and shouldn't they have the privacy for that however on the other hand I also feel like an advocate for infertility and I don't want to have I want to do my part in removing any shame from using donors or using alternative methods to start your family so I'm torn I don't know what to do I don't know if we share a play-by-play and explain everything or if I give it you know someone else's life total privacy or if I share and help someone else with their story and how they start their family or again if that kids gonna hate me forever because I revealed something so personal I don't know but we're beginning some testing again no no final no final decisions have been made but we're starting testing and depending on how the tests go how we get the results and stuff will determine what we do okay I would already talked about the test Stu's getting his stuff analyzed again to the deepest level that you can and depending on how it goes or not will either use an egg donor or if it doesn't go well if his results come back four then we will move forward with embryo adoption in foster care or adoption so so so we are leaning towards egg donor if his stuff go if everything goes well um I hope we can use egg donor he is mourned the loss of me in his children like he won't see my smile in them but I don't I I mean I would still like to have little stews and not every baby I still have a strong passion and hope for foster care and adoption it's something that we both feel deeply about but I'm also scared to death of taking in a baby bonding with it growing attached to it and then having it taken away I don't think that's something I can do right now so I would like that to be for baby 2 or number 3 but if possible I would love to have a little stew but if it's not possible that's ok too and we'll we'll be ok but I'm talking away more than I wanted to and anyway maybe you can let me know in the comments whether if you were in my position would you share or not please keep in mind I really appreciate your opinion and this will help me but I may not choose what anyone says but perhaps you can give me perspective that's just a good insight you know so if you if you say this is what I would do and I don't do it please don't hate my guts we have to do it we have to follow our hearts anyway so I guess that's it sorry again for not popping on it's been hard a doping is hard I don't like the stuff I totally took my childhood for granted that's for sure and I do hope to show you the basement like all of it pretty soon here I'm hoping in the next few weeks it's gonna be ready to show and I can do some before-and-after footage and stuff so you can see exactly what we've done and yeah the thing is I want to honestly I want to share the fertility stuff I want to take you on that path I want to share that part of our journey but again when I think of the kid in the conversation 20 years from now that's where I get scared so um I don't know we'll see but thanks for being here thanks for watching this video I don't know if I've ever said but you know I do monetize my videos and I don't make a ton of money on YouTube but every every single cent I have made has gone into this baby fund my YouTube money is my baby money so every view we get every thumbs up we get that helps us make a little money and I am so grateful for anyone who who who just cares honestly I don't care so much about the money stuff but like if you were sending me good vibes from wherever you are that's incredible I am the luckiest and I am so blessed to have that kind of support so okay sorry I've closed this like 400 times I'm closing it for real now I have a good rest of your evening thank you for everything bye

24 Replies to “Still struggling (baby plans, house, etc) (no edits)”

  1. I have adopted both of my beautiful children and just wanted to say to your husband that you will still shine through your children. This happens without any biology involved. They learn from you and pick up things that you do and say and it is great!! Adoption is great and I am so grateful that it came into my life! Praying for your journey and love watching your videos!!!

  2. First of all-weight gain ( I couldn't see) or no weight gain-you look ABSOLUTELY beautiful! That smile is worth a million bucks! 🙂
    To tell or not to tell…..I believe a child of yours-ANYWAY THEY GET IN YOUR ARMS- will be as giving..loving and supporting as her Mama..her story may of began without her consent but her FEELINGS ab that story- are still being protected by you bc this is being told from your perspective-not hers or his. You're not speaking FOR your baby-just healing heartbreak-that only another Mama who's struggling with infertility could EVER begin to fully understand. That child will truly understand your desire..love..need and fight to find her or him anyway you possibly could. What child would ever find fault in that?!? 🙂 BUT-you follow your heart my sweet friend bc God will show you not only HOW to get that baby but WHAT to share about the journey also! And I have been telling you for years what a beautiful Mama you're going to be…this is yet another example of that–you're thinking of their heart before you even hear it beating.
    Hang in there! The struggle will be worth the journey–I PROMISE! Much Love!! 💛💛

  3. On 26 we too had failed IVF cycle I hope your videos can inspire my wife because we had a miss cairrage two years ago than we tried to convince naturally but it didn't worked we decided to go for IVF but that too didn't worked now we don't know what next…

  4. I totally agree that sometimes you can only focus on one thing at a time and it's okay if everything isn't perfect. Very relatable! You will get there, for all the things you want. With respect to the privacy concerns, I wholeheartedly believe that your love for your child will shine brighter than anything else. You have a pure heart and the fact that you have worked SO hard for this will matter to them so much when they are old enough to understand it all. Imagine knowing that someone worked and fought for ten years just to have you? That's amazing. I know it's hard to deal with negative opinions of other people, especially on social media, but at the end of the day, you know your heart and it's no one else's business to have an opinion on what you decide. Free free to message me anytime 🙂

  5. ((((HUGS))))!!! I think you should share what you feel ok sharing. Just think where technology will be in 20 years. I think your kids will think it’s cool how they came to be just like every one has their own birth/life story. My husband is adopted and we’ve found his birth mother and she’s great. However, she has yet to tell us too much about his father. Even though it’s been almost 50 years ago. We don’t care what kind of person he is. We just would like to know who he is. Actually, I probably want to know more than my husband does. LOL I pray you find your way and can get back on your health journey. Don’t be hard on yourself, just keep going. Don’t give up! We are proud of you and are rooting for you and Stu and those future babies no matter how they get here.

  6. I smiled at the start of this when you were talking about the bits you normally cut out – isn’t it funny the little annoying things we do that we don’t even realize we do until we edit lol

    As hard as it is to put your vulnerable self out on the internet and admit to the world that you’re struggling, by sharing that it does help others feel less alone in their own struggles. You’re so real and honest and people admire that. You’ve endured so much and are such an inspiration to so many, you really really are. At the end of the day you’re only human. I just wish I lived closer so I could pop round for a cuddle and a cuppa!

    Gosh you guys are troopers! Sounds like you’ve worked so so hard on this basement! What a huge accomplishment to have done what you have already! I’m glad some of the pressure has been removed with pushing the moving date back.

    You’re such a beautiful human, inside and out, and I truly hope you start to feel more rested and in a better headspace soon. Navigating all of these complex thoughts and emotions is never an easy task – adulting is totally hard!
    I feel like we’ve been in a very similar headspace! I’ve been having the same thoughts also about the privacy of future children as we’ve been thinking about embryo adoption. Thinking about the conversation we’ll have 20 years from now & wondering how they’ll feel… It’s such a tough one – there are definitely mixed feelings for sure! At the end of the day you’ve got to follow your hearts and do what you feel is right. With you, I’m still trying to work all that out. But we will get there. Hope you’re able to have a mini Stu – mourning genetics is such a painful thing too… I get it. Either way you’re going to make the most incredible parents and that baby of yours is going to be the luckiest. Here for you always ♥️

  7. Hi there! I want you to know that whatever decision that you & your husband make is completely 100% yours. I am very fortunate to be currently pregnant with the assistance of my own separate selection of egg & sperm donors from egg & sperm donor banks. In other words, I personally selected each donor, then paired them together to make my baby super special specifically to me. It was quite fun to do because although I didn't have control over using my own eggs, I had 100% control of who was going to be involved in providing only the 'shell' of my child. I thank God for them & their selfless act of donating to me. The rest of my baby comes from me. My baby is surviving off of my body, NO different than someone conceiving a child 'naturally'. Hopefully, this makes sense to you. I PROMISE you that as soon as my transfer was literally happening, I automatically felt this special bond with my baby because my baby and my body did what it naturally was suppose to do. During this entire IVF process, I prayed while literally letting go of the 'control' I wanted & simply "let go & let God". I stopped worrying & developed that 'what will be, will be' attitude. Now, every day I wake up, I wake up with, no matter whatever else is going on, peace & gratefulness that my baby has a strong heartbeat & is growing so effortlessly inside of me with God's help. Yes, I have given my child the option in the future to know his or her biological make up regarding each donor I selected by chosing non- anonymous donors. That placed my mind at incredible ease. I won't be taking that power away from my child. My suggestion to you: IF you decide to use the assistance of a donor route of any kind, keep a journal of each day to have your child later read your journey. It will give your child a glimpse realistically inside of your past. I have no doubt after your child read it, he or she will know that they're loved beyond words & expressions will ever be able to describe. Placing your transfer photo & embryo photo in 1 beautiful frame can serve as a beautiful representation & conversation piece that you can hang inside your home. It may even spark the initial conversation😊. I took it a step further & requested, right before I 'graduated' from my fertility clinic, that each staff member at my fertility clinic who took a precious part in helping me conceiving my baby to simply place their signature on a large piece of paper on the back of the frame so that I could show my child and take him or her back in time to those special moments. Instead, each staff member, including my fertility doctor, each wrote very, very special notes directly to my unborn baby so that he or she could know how much I wanted him or her. It was so emotional & heart-felt that I will never forget it as long as I live. It is only natural for a child to be inquisitive regarding their biological makeup later in life. I am not intimidated by that. I intend to tell my child early in life with age-appropriate assisted tools, books etc. & not treat these special moments of courage and strength on all levels it took for me to have to conceive my child as something that my child needs to be ashamed of. I pray, with all the love I have inside of me, that my child will be empowered and grateful of my decision to give him or her life. I believe by being 100% open & answering all questions my child has and being very honest, my child will know, be confident in who he or she is, & should have confidence knowing that he or she was made in 100% L♥️VE. I hope my comment gives you peace of mind in whatever decision you decide & I truly hope it helps others. There are countless ways to make a beautiful & strong family🤗. OH! It would be a good idea if you, if it comes to this, select the female donor & give your husband the power to select the male donor, or vise versa, whichever makes you comfortable. By doing that, it gives the both of you that form of control that still is an essential element we need in the fertility process because we lose so much control initially. When you pair your final decisions together, there will definitely be a bond already there. And when you see that 1st beautiful ultrasound photo, your hearts will EXPLODE with overwhelming love, which was no different than my experience. Again, my comment is simply my experience and suggestions. You can do this! Your baby is waiting! Have an amazing day!💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

  8. Being a very private person, I totally get trying to respect a child's privacy. At the same time, I think it could actually be really freeing. Sorry if this is the worst example but it reminds me of telling people I'm pregnant. I always feel so awkward doing it. It's hard to ease that chunk of news into a conversation but I want people to know. I'm not sure if a child would want people to know that about themselves but at the same time, it would be nice not having to tell people and to avoid awkward conversations. If some type of adoption was involved in my personal story, I know I wouldn't want to hide that fact like it's shameful but it would also be hard to tell people. All that rambling and I have no idea what I would do in your shoes. You're a wonderful person and I think whatever you choose will be the right decision.

  9. I think you can totally share your journey now and you’d definitely still have the ability in 5 or 10 or 20 years time to make the decision to delete whatever videos you might have made online. I think it’d be a long shot for any of this information to be public knowledge if you don’t want it to be.

  10. I admire you so much… Thank you for this video and for your honesty. Please Don t worry about not editing, it was the sweetest video. Also it is totally OK that you gained some weight. Perhaps you body needed it, it is fine. You are a mother without a child trying to take care of it while it does not exist. How moving and inspiring. Share what feels right for you to share. Your decision of your next step is not private information of the baby, but yours according to my opinion. It's just your thought and you may change your mind about your path, who knows. Take care of yourself. We are by your side and you have impact in our lives. Also, if there is any positive energy that you will not use tomorrow, please send it to me as I am having my 3rd miscarriage. So I know what you are talking about when you said about grief. I can t wait to see you with a little baby in hands. All my love from Greece

  11. I haven't been in your position, but I believe the ways in which you have shared your videos has only been an uplifting thing that you and your family will look back on with pride; That you, together, overcame all the darkness that was thrown at you. I believe sharing your journey could give your child the opportunity to witness the sacrifice so many people have gone through to bring them to this world. I imagine a child, raised by you, grateful that they can see every step of the journey you took to have them. However, I don't think that you have to share that with everyone. You could just record and keep it for yourselves, while telling your followers that you have made a decision and you are going forward with it. Sharing your journey doesn't have to be fully shared and I hope that just because you have shared so much in the past, that you don't feel obligated to share now. Prayers that it will all fall in to place! And….. that someone else will magically finish your basement because girl I am tired for you!

  12. Whatever path you choose, I am sure you both will see yourself reflected in the baby. There are facial expressions, verbal habits, personal quirks, etc that your baby will pick up on. I totally got my sense of humor from my father (who I have no biological relationship with) and people tell me all the time I am exactly like him. I promise you, however this child comes into your family, there will be times you both find yourself amazed by how very much of yourself and your partner you see on display. The things that really make you who you are get passed on through time together, love, and example rather than by genetics.

  13. You are so cute! I love the unedited vlogs. Okay so I can't back this up with anything specific but I've heard from a few women about how if you have an embryo adoption or an egg adoption, since it will be your body and blood growing the baby, it is possible that the baby could develop some of your features too. So cool! I'll have to do more research on it. Not sure if you heard that at all before me telling you about the new studies that are being done about it. 💗 Also so glad you can take a breather on fixing up your place! Enjoy your weekends! You need them to rejuvenate and spend some quality time with your hubs to be close and stay close. So important. Love you girl! Praying for you!

  14. Maybe you can share that you chosen a 3rd part genetics and not specified if is egg or sperm or embryo and left that side to you two in private. That way you are keeping that information for your baby privacy and open to your followers about your journey… is my humble opinion even in my case I would do it that way. You will find a common sense with Stu listen what he feels as well (I’m sure you do it but boys are less expressive of the emotions)

  15. Welcome to parenthood – trying to figure out what choices of life you do today will harm, improve or be irrelevant to your childs life in the future! And we all fail, because it is an impossible prediction. You only have limited information in the now to estimate what will come of it someday. So what can you do? Widen as best as possible your pool of information in the now. So get in touch with people who have experience in egg donation, embryo adoption or adoption and how the kid reacted in all possible scenarios. As far as i know research clearly shows that it is much much easier for a child's identity, self awareness, trust and understanding to grow up knowing how their family came to be, instead of a day X when they turn 18 and have been lied to all this time. Talking from my own childhood and what i witness from parenthood so far – children will automatically be a part of the reality you give them, whatever it is (sadly). If it is their reality that they were longingly chosen for your family from another person's dna and you shared this special experience with an online community to receive support and raise awareness, then it will be a normal part of them. They will ask a thousand questions about it (and everything else lol), sometimes from a very early age. If you answer with kindness and truthfully, it will shape them to be an empathetic, aware, kind and understanding person. A person like that is very unlikely to turn their back on you someday with an angry "how could you??". If you choose to let your journey and its personal information be public, you will have good reasons for it. Your child will grow up with knowing these reasons and seeing your position when you made that choices. Thats the best you can do. In the end nobody truly knows if something you do today will provoke your kid's frustration in 18+ years. Your questioning is very valid and i hope you both come to terms with a decision that you feel confident and happy with! Good luck!!

  16. First of all: there is no shame in struggling – thats human and thats how we learn and grow. If someone tells you otherwise or shames you for it: thats more a message about that persons state of mind than it has to do with yourself! Also I think sometimes we forget that life is not a straight road and you just have to find the "right" path and once you are on it everything follows forever. You try, you struggle, you learn, you grow and then you start again.

    Something I found a couple of years ago and that helped me ever since in rougher times: If you can´t fight and you can´t flee: just flow. First of all it gives me two options to consider (get my butt up and fight or just leave behind whatever isnt good for me) and if both options are in fact not an option I imagine myself riding a wave. I can´t control it, I cant fight it and I cant leave. It is coming and it is taking me with it, but I am flowing on top and not letting it drown me. And when it calmed down I will see where it has taken me and go from there.
    Thanks for sharing – you are awesome.

  17. I would share what I feel is best in the moment. I think your child would love you no matter what cause your just sharing your thoughts and feelings. I think the child would be interested in the process actually. I know if it was me I would wanna know how I came into the world.

  18. My 5 yr old son was adopted as an embryo. And we are definitely starting to now get to a point where it is really becoming his story to share if he chooses to. I do share our embryo adoption story with people in person and a bit online in private FB infertility groups to encourage others. But I am going to be more and more leaving it to him to tell or not tell. It is honestly not something that is always at the forefront of our minds as we see him as our son and not our "embryo adopted son". And don't be too sure about not seeing your features in your child if they are not genetically connected to you. People tell us all the time how much our son looks like a combo of the two of us. It makes us smile. 😊 Many blessings to you in your journey ahead. ❤

  19. I think Ayla and Caleb did great in regards to privacy towards their donor family but still being open about their journey. I know their story with egg donor and adoption has been a wild ride, but I think once the legal paperwork was signed they were more open to sharing the transfer details and then once she was pregnant they were able to capture their pregnancy as "normal"

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