Stillbirth | Postpartum Update

hello this is sasha and i'm coming to you with my eight-week postpartum update after my stillbirth I had my daughter shaleah on october third of 2015 this year and i want to come in and let you know how i'm doing and how i'm recovering during this time of loss before i get started our first one to say thank you so much for those of you who have given me words of encouragement or love comments or you know like my video or personally you know message me and just gave me words of encouragement for my husband as well as myself during this time it has been extremely difficult even being a person of faith it has been you know trying getting through so i just want to let you know from the bottom of my heart that i really do appreciate it and i know that my husband appreciates it as well I wanted to get started after the baby was born we had our service on that following Friday's her she was born on that Saturday and we had her funeral on the 9th of October it was at the same church that my mother's funeral was that so I was a little bit difficult you know because it was the pain of both funerals at the same time for me and then after that it took a while for her we end up getting her cremated and it took a while for that process to get done and it really fretted me I did not do well my husband was not doing well just waiting because for like we couldn't rest until we had her in a final resting place so it was very difficult for him as well as myself went through a lot of crying and was just really grieve but then once we were able to bring her home I felt so much better my husband felt so much better it was like we could finally bring her home even though it wasn't the way that we thought but it gave us sense of comfort and we got a mother-of-pearl earn that I think I might have mentioned in the last video which was so fitting because her middle name was Pearl after my grandmother who passed away back in June of 2013 and so it was just like heaven sent and they were so nice and kind to us so I stayed at home for about three weeks to recover and that was a process in itself because i was just all over the place my husband won't have to work before I did and sitting in the house she stood me absolutely no good I had so many creepers and breakdowns and I was in disbelief and shock steel I was waking up in the middle of the night crying or getting up crying almost every day and so I went back to work and going back to work was really right on time for me because it was so beneficial to helping me kind of like snap back in to some kind of routine and just helped me feel more normal after all this because i felt like i was looking at my life but I didn't feel like I was part of my life if that makes sense um and there's literally that first week that I went back to work because I i was offered three weeks after his birth I'm that Wednesday my first week back at work I got into a car accident and I was hit head-on and the front of my car was severely damaged and end up being around twelve thousand dollars worth of damage and I still don't have my truck back and it just I think at that point not I think I know at that point I pretty much broke down that was my breaking point that car accident was like okay I don't mind taking you know couple hits in life here and there but I end up injuring my foot and dealing with that and then the car was messed up and it was raining and it was on a wednesday and i found out that she it past four weeks ago on Wednesday and it was just too much at that point I just couldn't handle it so went home and was off from work a couple days so I end up having to get on the cane and during that time I felt the need to start doing a lot of meditation and processing and also during that time I went back to journaling when we first found out about chalette I didn't journal right away but once we got back home without left the hospital I started doing journaling every day just to get my thoughts out when I feel like I couldn't process it and I was all over the place I wrote and I found writing was soothing to me because it helped me not stay in that sad place too long where I was just devastated in despair I could write it and it was like talking to someone I could read what I thought or felt the previous day and it was just really helpful for me kind of like a form of therapy or meditation so now that car accident has been behind me it was over a month ago now I've recovered I'm off the cane I'm able to wear closed toed shoes because I thought was so severely swollen that I could not wear a regular shoe it was like being pregnant all over again and so that's gotten better I'm still dealing with that and of course the bills and whatnot that was a whole nother story in itself because it's like you get these medical bills for a child that you don't even get to see grow up so I had my moments about that as well you know just regular triggers that you have during the loss you know just trying to get through the motions in the day my husband and I talk daily um about shaleah and make our presence known for us and that's been very therapeutic for not only me but also my husband as well and there's some special things that we're doing that I really want to share with those of you who have experienced any kind of loss and it's not just for sure Leia I'm just gonna kind of do things and show you things oh how I represent those loved ones that I've lost such as my mother and my grandparents and my daughter through the holidays and I was cleared by my doctor that's how I was able to go to work so quickly because I had no cheering and things like that I just had a lot of bleeding that occurred I played for almost a month hopefully that's not too much information but this is a stillbirth postpartum update and I also got some grief books I didn't like the ones that the hospital provider was me because I just felt like they were really insincere and because i am a faith-based person I wanted to have more readings that either dealt with what I went through or they were centered around faith so I actually charity as she's here on YouTube she talked about two books that she was given and i actually purchased my books they were like a dollar and some change i purchased mine off ebay and they really been helpful when I don't seem like i have my thoughts kind of clear i read a little bit out of those books and I journal about what I think about reading that certain passenger information and it's been really helpful in informative for me just because I don't want this situation to spoil everything about having children because lord willing in the future we will have more kids and because this is my first child has really left a sour note and it's our experience for me because it's been so traumatic and so I really had to pray about that daily because there is a huge fear that still dwells within me on a daily basis um about my future and about even being a mother just feeling like in my meant to be or not but I just take one day at a time I'm also seen a grief counselor and I feel like it's really been helpful to me and it's been a great blessing to just talk to someone who has no relationship with me prior to and just can give me open and honest feedback about whatever I'm feeling at that moment in time so you know I understand grief counseling is not for everybody but it was encouraging my husband has been decreased counseling and he supported me in doing it and I really feel like it's beneficial so if that's something that you know you thought about doing or maybe you're interested in all more I definitely want to update you on how grief counseling is working for me and maybe be able to give you guys you know some of the tips that have been given to me in the future you know just to hope whoever is in need of help because I understand this is a very very taboo subject you don't hear too many talk people talking about it it's uncomfortable for a lot of people I know when I return to work it was very uncomfortable for other people but you know as I told one person all you do is have to kind of ask the question if you feel comfortable and not saying anything is also ok as well it all depends on the relationship you have with me or whatever individual who is going through something and making sure it comes from students to your place those are the main things so I really don't want to talk too long I just wanted to you know again thank all of you for your prayers and your concerns during this time and thank you so much for the words of encouragement and you know I'm just taking it day by day as I pray anybody who's going through any kind of situation any kind of loss all you can do is take it one day at a time and you'll you know one day be like me I didn't think I could make it a day and I look back and it's been two months and I'm very thankful I'm blessed I've made it this far and I hope to make it a little bit further so I really hope you're having a wonderful and blessed day and that you had a lovely thanksgiving and just kind of keep your head up and i will talk to you in the next video bye

4 Replies to “Stillbirth | Postpartum Update”

  1. How did you get through this? I too lost my daughter in December 2018 at 31 weeks and I’m finding hard to cope with life and to take care of autistic son.

  2. you are beyond strong sis.
    💖 💙 I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. all we can do it the it 1 day at a time. my return to work was very uncomfortable. I work at the hospital where everything took place. I also go to a grief counseling and my 3 counselors are amazing. I'm start meditating as well.
    I am looking forward to your journey. I'm happy you're in a great place.

  3. happy you are ok. I know that your sweet little girl is watching over mommy and daddy. also when you said you started Journaling it gave me the idea of doing that because at the beginning of the year I lost my godmother and because I was and still am on bed rest (a lot of health issues ). I never got to go to the funeral and say goodbye to her and that almost a year later still hurts. God bless you and your family. sending you lots of prayer and posativaty and love through this difficult time.

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