Story time: I'm struggling with Postpartum Depression

hey guys welcome to my channel my name is Sierra and that's health on a story Oh will the title of this stream that I am going to be basically talking about my postpartum I'm struggling with postpartum depression and while I am streaming I just kind of wanted to come in here and just play with some makeup um because that's what I like to do and that's what I do for my career field outside of my other jobs that I do but you're doing makeup is one of them I am a freelancer got a counter a very well popular counter and that's pretty much it so I'm just gonna jump right into it so I've already done my brows and I'm using top brows I kiss professional be Marie fat me hip to this brow pencil is really really good it's just like a dupe spike from Mac and it's like $7.99 you can get from your beauty supply store and I am going and I've already primed my eyes will set my eyes with a base I used the NYX jumbo pencil in the shade I think is a milk yeah I use the jumbo pencil in shape milk I haven't used this in a long time and the palette that I'm using just to kind of like give my skin tone like bring a little lightness around my eyes I'm using my beat-up old raggedy Modern Renaissance palette from Anastasia Beverly Hills which was actually my first eyeshadow palette I ever bought for myself but yeah so for a new title I am struggling with postpartum depression and I've actually tried to make this video like nine times now and I started and then I canceled it or I delete it I'm just saying because I just don't feel comfortable um I've been struggling tonight trying to concentrate and really get things done um actually do something for my Instagram because I like to post pictures you know to pull Melanie oh yeah now that I've laid down my eyeshadow actually want to go into some colors but I'm struggling postpartum depression I'm a new mom I just had my baby not too long ago I had my baby almost four months ago and I've been kind of struggling and I just blown off a picture like I'm just trying to recreate a look um guys excuse my scarf along with going through postpartum I'm also going through postpartum shedding which really really sucks oh yeah it's just come on in and I'm gonna share my story time about what's been going on with me and you know just kind of like tell you other women that are going through it or if you're new mom that you're not alone and that you know these feelings are really grow and going full of shamed about it I'm also gonna be going in with my jeffree star jawbreaker palette which I just got and I've been trying to sit and play with it um trying to get the use and the hang of it so far I tried to create a look already and I don't really much care for it I don't really care much for how the colors are blending but I'm gonna try it again so we'll see so the first color that I'm taking in this palette it's gonna be cone and I'm just gonna keep continuing going over that brow and then I'm just gonna have some depth oh my god yo okay this is not good so I just got this palette and the eyeshadow pan is coming out and I wait 67 oz from this palette in the shade right here this little purple shade gumdrop the lavender shade is coming out of my palette and one drop of this and it's over everything else is pretty much pressed inside but I'm really really shocked and a little little disappoint because his products are likes held so I'm very high standard and just like well that's not okay so strike two well I'll give a strike one because I'm still trying to play with this palette and see what primers work best when I first did the first look I used uh clear concealer I didn't use a primer but now I'm going to use a Nestle oily base because these are pressed pigments and I guess that does something to the shadows when you use concealers base I'm not sure trying out new things yeah so anyway yeah I had my baby three months ago 104 those will be four months in two weeks which I'm super excited by he's getting so big I didn't start filling the pressed and tall about I want to say two and a half weeks ago I've been feeling more so angry and just trying to sort through my emotions but if I was because I was stressed out because I worked three jobs like I work seven days a week I don't like really work three jobs all the time is mostly two jobs but it's just like seven days a week on top of you know trying to get this new mommyhood thing down pack and stuff is really really hard um there's my boyfriend huh you can come in here I mean you can come in here yeah are you coming here I mean I'm live but a while I won't be long John I won't be long yeah so I've been struggling feeling super duper sad not like myself sad or anything like that but I mean feeling kind of like unfocused like I can't really get my focus together and I mean overwhelmed like anxiety like I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks and I think the job that I'm doing is they're really helping um I work I'm working a summer job by the way I'm going into cherry wet which is I like that name from the jeffree star jawbreaker probably and I'm just gonna put that in my crease yeah I'm just gonna put that at my crease and my job my summer job is really really stressful I work for a government agency that teaches kids you know educational resources to better their community and get their environment more sustainable and is really really stressful because you know I deal with high school kids and some adults and um I wasn't even moreso the kids it was just more so than the upper management that I'm really hard I'm in a management role so of course that's basically like self explainatory that you're in a management role it's a lot of stress that comes with it and you know on top of being a mom and trying to get you know my emotions together it's been kind of hard so lately I've been noticing that my anxiety has been triggering me a lot a lot and when I talk about these things I'm going to be like a stayed in my life oh my god because a lot of people don't like to talk about their postpartum depression but I'm like to the point where I don't care it's like I need to get it off my chest because I don't like walking around feeling upset and that at the world cuz that's just not me now right now I could go to therapy cuz I mean that's something I can do this utter just complaining about it but I'm like really scared to go there because I yeah um I used to therapy when I was in high school this thing I'm gonna go I don't know I'm gonna hide though about one in therapy right now I wanted to come on here and just kind of unwind and plan and some makeup to see how I felt but today I had an anxiety attack and it was rough and nobody allowed it I don't like to show when I have anxiety attacks iconically when I have his idea sex because I'm a little socially awkward which is fine I really care along his body attack stuff Billy it kind of burdens of people I don't other people be like oh god here she goes she's with having a panic attack or think I'm unreliable because this is something I've been suffering from for a really long time now guys I'm gonna go to another palette because this jeffree star pilot is just a wonder for me I don't know what it is but it's just I'm not doing it I'm actually gonna go in my beat up weekly response palette and I'm gonna use you Vineet and red sorry if I put your D sneeze like I could never get the needs right out of his palette anyway I want to go into that rip I'm actually only used a brush I came from the palette I still have it um and just kind of like containing a deep enough that red cuz I just look so faded it's not as pigment as I thought it was gonna be um yeah I don't like it when people know I have an his idea tax so I don't feel like a burden langing one and so basically what happened today was we had a job fair for our staff they were there to kind of like get some jobs and you do like mock interviews on your resumes and just new career buildings we had a couple colleges come out and talk to them and it was a lot of people and I haven't been around a lot of people and like wow I mean I work out a counter has never been to that capacity like where I work at has been pretty dead and empty lately so I haven't I've been around a lot of people and so today while we were at the job fair I um I started feeling scared and nervous and very overwhelmed overwhelmed more than anything um I felt like everything in the room was just like kind of spinning and like all the noise was just over overbearing it was just like too much and so I left for a while and I went to the bathroom and I've ever been elated you know typical anxiety stuff and it took a lot out of me like I'm still tired from it this morning like I really went through it this morning and I came back out in that bathroom and act like nothing ever happened um I told my boss about it cuz obviously she kept asking me you know was i okay and you know I just had to tell her you know I'm just feeling anxious about you know being around this many people and I was ruler her but I don't like like I said I don't like disclosing that because I don't wanna I don't want people to use as a weakness against me because I'm already soft-spoken but the other thing is I will postpartum what really kicked it off was when I started realizing I was losing hair and that's why I have the scarf worn because I'm losing a ton of hair like my edges are like wheat I'm owed to be able hit it lying close I want to be bold y'all like the way my hair is like shedding is ridiculous so the good thing about it is though I am prepared to get my hair done this weekend I went and treated myself and got me some good hair I don't wear weave often I'm fully natural so I always just use my you know where my natural hair because it's pretty long well it's a good decent thing going you know you as well it's a decent limb and um yeah I'm excited because we're treating myself to a mommy makeover but I guess I will talk to you guys my pregnancy like my pregnancy it wasn't that bad you know you're too full aches and pains and stuff I think the worst part of my pregnancy was I didn't have morning sickness but I had night sickness and I couldn't hold down a lot of food at night so I would never throw up in the morning only at night because my son was like really really active at night so all hell broke loose I worked I worked my whole entire pregnancy I took two weeks off before my due date and yeah it was stressful during my pregnancy at work I mean some people are just don't care about you being pregnant and well business is business unfortunately I didn't get paid maternity leave because it a position that I'm and they do not offer it to freelancers they only offer it to prominent artists only which was really really I don't know it was really dumb okay but yeah it was stressful try to work and be pregnant and waddle and try not to fall out when you're sick because you have to worry about being ridden up and all this extra that was just like come on man like I'm pregnant like can I catch a break but ultimately before I thought that I was pregnant and I think what I'm about to say as a tie-in right before out I was pregnant my adoptive mother got sick because my biological parents are deceased and I was erased with my aunt hurt her daughter and her son so I called my aunt her daughter I've always called them Wow and so my aunt's daughter got sick and had a heart attack of last year and she actually suffered major brain damage and had one life support in addition she passed away or her own my support we didn't take her off yeah so I never really get a chance to process those emotions because I was pregnant and I didn't want to stress out and cause any harm to my baby cuz in my mind I knew I was gonna take care of my baby so I started noticing the other day along this movement along with my hair falling out that I was thinking about my mom my adopted mother and how much I missed her and I just started like I broke down in tears and I just started crying so I think everything that I didn't really gets a chance to process last year is finally coming out like me grieving and trying to you know feel better because like you know I'm still healing I'm still recovering I think it takes a while for you to actually fully recover from having a baby think I'm healed up down there pretty much had a second-degree tear but I mean as far as my hormones and hormones and stuff in my body and you know all that good stuff I'm still I'm still healing I think because I deal with really bad arthritis from postpartum and it's hard so I've just been dealing with a lot and I really don't know how to process my emotions right now I don't I really don't like I believe I haven't haven't been this depressed in a while and it's not scary like I know I'm not gonna harm myself or anything like that hasn't got to that point but I just feel like at some point I am going to have a breakdown it's not going to be too good so I'm actually that I plan on talking to somebody going to doctors think it's this week sometime no this next week we looked at doctors next week and hopefully just tell them how I've been feeling I thought postpartum depression was basically the stigma where oh you don't want to hold your baby and like the stories that I've heard I've actually never really sat down a research postpartum depression because I didn't think I was going to get it I don't know why I thought I was you know I wasn't gonna get it like I just like I'm not gonna have postpartum depression everything's gonna be alright but um no I just thought that people don't wanna hold their baby like women didn't want to hold their babies and that's pretty much what postpartum depression was I really didn't know that plus we're under pressure means anxiety um depression and fatigue and like really hard time concentrating and when I say I have all of it down to a tee it's like oh my god but I don't know I don't want to self diagnose myself but the reason of me coming over here and talking about it is because a lot of my other friends who had babies this year I've been noticing a lot of their posts on Facebook or they'll be like oh I have to take a social media week and going through a lot and I'm just like yeah I think they might be postpartum having postpartum depression and a lot of people don't want to talk about postpartum depression because it's like a stigma sigh oh well she's crazy and why are you saying why can't you hold your baby why can't you just you know adjust but every I would see not everyone can do it so me I really don't give a um I'm gonna talk about it I'm gonna talk about my experience because somebody has to say it I mean there's tons of videos on here but and I know I probably get flack when I say this I'm gonna make somebody met when I say this but I really don't mean to make anybody mad when I say but for women of color per se and this is not to knock anybody I feel like we have babies and stuff respected to just go back into our normal selves like our strong diligent and resilient self but we don't really have that opportunity to really show emotions and you can't really speak on it unless you've been there personally and had an experience as black women I don't really want to talk about that goes on or anymore so I don't wanna sound racial that I mean is this true we're always taught that we have to conduct ourselves a certain way or less we're gonna look like a angry black woman or a crazy bitter woman or whatever stereotype they want to put or stick when they want to put on women of color but me I've always been it's right that will speak up sometimes for what I believe in I mean I'm very soft-spoken when it comes to certain stuff like I don't like confrontation but like certain topics that nobody else wants to talk about I will just go ahead and bite the bullet and just be that one so like if anyone is going through postpartum just know it's okay you're not alone don't matter the race I just wanted to touch on that just specifically saying that you know as a black woman I feel like you know we have it we have a stigma that's a little bit more pressed on us that we need to carry on and conduct ourselves a certain way without bringing shame to us unfortunately but yeah you're not alone I'm pretty sure I'll get through it I don't know what it's gonna take I really hope I don't have to go on medicine because that's not my goal cuz I feel like if I go on medicine then it's gonna cause my anxiety to go worse and then I'm currently watching you for you and yeah I'm not trying to be like hroughout here yeah so I'm just gonna continue my makeup um you can come in and talk but that's pretty much all I really have to talk about with my postpartum depression I'm just trying to cope with it right now because today was really really bad and I got really really frustrated with my supervisors because you know not everyone has the same work ethics as you were like so I was basic cutting the crease and the brush that I'm using I mean I've been cutting the crease for a while now but the brush that I'm using it and the concealer like I absolutely love this concealer like I'm out and I really need to go get some more because I have been scraping it because sealer I'm using is the fit me concealer in shade 35 deep pots and then brush and I'm using to cut my crease is the more feet and 4:21 brush so yeah I'm gonna just continue to look what my makeup that I were you know as my boyfriend wants to go to bed and like I said I'm trying to use video all night but I'm stopping because I've been really really scared and anxious and not like you know any things come out I'm very self-critical of myself I gotta stop blowing it yeah so the next color that I'm gonna take I think I want to do cuz I'm trying to recreate this look like I'm trying to recreate this particular look because I think is really really pretty and I really want to playing some Purple's to be dominant so I am going to say delicious from the jeffree star draw birthday palette and I'm gonna put that on the outer outer corner of my eye or the outer V and I think I'm gonna take C yeah I'm gonna take my morphe e18 brush and really work in there I'm gonna bring my camera just oh sorry max my dog is sitting there he's like under my feet I tried to play with this color earlier but it really wasn't and really wasn't working for me and this color is more so like a navy blue color yeah this shadow here hi this is my second time using this eyeshadow and it's like really really patchy and I'm having a hard time I'm kind of blending it it's not blending smooth like other palettes I had like all my morphe palette I've never had any problems out of but this particularly one is like really really patchy if you hear something my dog I don't know what he's gonna yeah he's like licking his home he's licking himself like this little disappointment I'm gonna keep working with it I'm actually gonna go into my old reliable morphe 35o palette it is beat up because I've had her for a while as well yeah so I'm actually gonna go in with a little bit more of a purplish shade with this shade here of course this is the old pallets I didn't have names for them I'm gonna go on with this palette here because I want it to be more purple than I wanted to be navy blue I'm just gonna go over to navy blue legit just a decoy I'm just using a regular BH Cosmetics pressure doesn't have a name or anything but I have two brushes a couple years ago a couple years ago I liked a mirror on the palette I think the mirror is really nice I'm just gonna blend any harsh edges okay that's much better and I'm going to just repeat the same thing on the other all right so let's see what else in this picture here okay so the next color I'm gonna go over to dry we're gonna see so the next color I'm gonna do actually is gonna go into back into jeffree star palette and I'm gonna take bite me and I'm gonna take it on a flat brush and dirty this brush is so raggedy I've had this brush for like ever like this is like my first set of makeup brushes this is a BH Cosmetics brush – I mean majority of my brushes are morphe but my OG brushes are like BH Cosmetics so I'm gonna take bite me and I'm just gonna start placing that right on the lid and I'm actually gonna blend it and see how this purple shade comes out okay I love the shimmer I love the shimmer so far oh that's pretty I'm just gonna get singing a pat and I'm gonna go back my other brush the brush that I used to take that out of corn color and I was gonna blend it in kind of give it for like a seamless blend so movement on I think I wanted I'm gonna just say anything to the other eye first before I'm a one lied by his shimmery shades are like bomb though I'm not so crazy about the matte shades but the shimmer shades mm-hmm okay all right so the next year that I want to go into actually wanna take a good morning which is a matte shade hopefully I don't hug it out I want to go in there and I just kind of want to put that in the inner corner of my lid like the inner art and just so work what I see what that fix me I probably should do a shimmer though because I need to make this cut crease a little bit higher so I'm gonna take snack and just focus that on there and stop it up matte shade and I'm just taking the inner corner of my cut crease a little higher so I don't really need it to be to define but even if I mess up and I can go on with like a little flat brush my toes and just kinda fix my eyes I'm just kind of like going back over everything I think I don't actually some pink in this to like I think I want to put cotton candy in there I really like this palette of course my foundations were like on the other side so excuse me guys I'm a laptop so I just need to bring them in front of me okay so I'm gonna be taking my NW 45 Mac foundation prolongwear and I'm just gonna be eating that but I'm actually gonna mix it with another foundation and I'm actually gonna mix it with a little I'm gonna mix it with my match master for Mac usually I am at NC 50 though because in a summer and work that we do I'm outside so I've gotten a bit of a tan and it makes my foundation because the NC 50 so I'm actually gonna take my morphe in for 39 and I'm just gonna go ahead and apply my foundation and then the thing about this foundation is it oxidizes what's wrong all right yeah yeah there goes my baby another thing about this foundation is even though it looks too light and as oxidized down so I will try a little darker so if the looks come in here in for my forehead let me take a smaller brush because I don't do we have worn it that brush is way too big for my partner I'm gonna just save my mother fee and five to three brush and just blend for usually I would say go Beautyblender Beautyblender is 30 you next thing I am actually going to go back into my top probably what I use to auto my eyebrows on camera I'm gonna go into my kiss professional palette and I'm gonna use this to highlight I'm gonna be taking these two shades here I just mix them a little bit because they're a little off the shades a little bit too light for me I don't like anything to give him flashback so I just mix it with the darker shade to kind of like even it out and actually I'm gonna take that on my morphe and 224 brush you you you you you you you you you I use the same brush that I used by the foundation I'm sorry I'm talking to we're back in that same palette I'm just going to take the darker shades from the palette and I'm going to use that's a contour I only use a little bit around the samples but barely any forehead that I'm going to actually take I'm gonna take my morphe efore brush and blend out you you you you but I was really I didn't when I head out right now I wanna set some powder and we have been going back to my covergirl powder I have been using like this is something I first started out with when I got into makeup um about a year ago yeah but maybe have been really really liking it so set again I stopped using it for a while because I was trying other products but I'm back to my flower girl and I can't actually remember the actual link line this is wrong because it's been so long that I'm just gonna go ahead and step underneath my eye with just powder all right so I'm gonna let that sit for a second and then I'm gonna go ahead and set my contour with power as well so for my powder contour I'm actually going to I want to use my studio fix powder in the shade NW 58 and just to set the powder will the cream contour that I put any holes on the cheek and I'm gonna just use a regular off-brand angle brush I'm actually going to take this um powder and I'm going to go and the e formation come out my face a little bit so we're just pretty much almost done I like Trista and just take a big fluffy brush and I like to just go over everything and just kind of like seamlessly blend and make sure like there's no sharp lines and make sure everything just really nice I'm actually gonna spray my face down and dust away that excess powder because I don't need it anymore I'm gonna use them at present prize explicit spray just sexual favors and actually just kind of lay also get started powdery look and kind of like is your skin finish right so now I'm gonna move on to my lashes I'm going to be using these clashes here these lashes are called miss lash they're hundred percent silk lashes you can find this at your local peace by store they're 399 absolutely absolutely adored these lashes like they are so long lashes I really like these lashes because I don't really have to measure them I'm really perfect to my this one be careful because I got these style like last Friday and I decided to get these long nails which I had never really do and success Cara's going to bend these flashes because they need a little shape and now Ashley I'm gonna be using today see we go I would hate to have to go blind let me use this tool that I got from really lashes just to pop that lash on those are these nails I thought was will be able to use the tool I just going to use a regular liner from that point black believe my eggs a pink liner pen because like my favorite on a white wall but I left the top off of it and dry it out trust me Evy Russian and may you be friggin and stuff you learn how to move over self because I surely am not about to say to slash off all right that is my liner I don't care this one cuz I was doing good when I did my other lash last weekend I went out and the same lashes when I got to the second one I slash is the best wrong with this particular style is like it's acted it pleased me work and I'm just bending my lash until see shape that way can curve and act like have a better cover curvature just water it could fit better to my eye shape I use my tool again and grazing about is I got this tool from loli lashes by absolutely lashes that I got were from TJ bags and this came in a little set okay I like those glue dries really quick alright I'm going to take some black liner and I am going to line my waterline with it I'm taking the Nikki K auto liners for the dolly nine that's my first time using okay go and choose and just do a shade of shadow like some eye shadow underneath them underneath my eye um I really like to use red some brow so I'm gonna write down use red or kit work it I mean how about the same color and I use the crease well the first shade we use I should say I'm going to just add and we'll blush according to use my everyday blush that I use I don't use I'm going to use my Mac burnt pepper brush blush ever since I was 20 and of course we have to have some highlight so for my highlighting I'm going to actually not be my lady okay I'm gonna just do some mascara mascara I'm using the big tease mascara from buxom and you wanna use some at the bottom lashline as well oh my little tiny lashes are not perfect hey before I go blind for the innocents were you and you know you're those mommy brain because the highlighter was right in front of me but it wasn't the one that I wanted to use but there is highlighter so I'm just gonna go ahead and do that really fast I'm going to do gold deposit I'm just gonna highlight how we usually face on my big plus brave and this way anxiety is starting to back in okay would the glow that glow is disrespectful all right I don't like anything I don't want to look like Napoleon ice cream alright cuz I always lose stuff I take my lip liner I just bought it today another wing cos I bought another one like 2 weeks I lost it lately haven't come very very forgetful mommy brain is yeah I'm gonna take my NYX liquid eyeliner with lip liner and the line um this wave of matte liner and clap offers just like my favorite lip liner in all my world besides chestnut but I should we feel like this was kind of got an adjustment god I can't wait the ratings now get it open I will use my teeth to open it but I have big teeth and I'm sensitive so I use them big old beaver teeth but I might have to good this here ain't working it ain't working y'all need is the organ no I'm gonna have more Jesus Christ they got this thing seen thanks God I think that's just gonna get OH this liner with some bear claws Lise Meitner I just gonna take some regular old regular Doug Leier lip gloss some coconut gloss all right I think I am done I actually really really like this like but I feel like there's like one more thing mrs. I kind of just want to be extraction kind of Engineers I'm going to use our shoes and I am going to take a very small brush I'm gonna take the morphe three swing lump brush and I'm just gonna pop that right in the corner so I don't know I just really orange would be balm with this yeah alright guys so I think that's pretty much – look my lighting is off because I'm on my laptop of course I mean I have a camera but my camera thanks will finicky off the side I think I need to get some type of like memory Florida I don't know if I would be SLR camera doesn't really hold so it might be the SD card that I'm using but I'm gonna well that's up in my room light so you guys can see it pretty much go from there to much the finished look you guys thanks very much I'm gonna take some pictures and please no mr. brown so that's it thank you guys for turning there with me you'd also follow me at Beauty licious underscore Beulah steer on Instagram for my looks and if you guys want to see me do more videos so standard cliche YouTube ending then definitely definitely say something or comment once this video is done I think you guys hanging out with me and I'll see you guys on the next one bye

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