STORY TIME: OUR MISCARRIAGE



hey guys so I wanted to film another video for you guys and I couldn't figure out what kind of content I wanted because I'm stuck on something that happened to us recently which you guys probably already know we had a miscarriage last month so I'm feeling like in a rut and I can't figure out in what direction I want to go and I just I'm like you know what I just need to get it out of way because I feel really strongly about what happened to us and what we went through so I thought I had come up on here and film a story time for you guys I hope you guys enjoy it and I don't just get a little insight from my story and what happened with me and for any woman out there just so that you guys know that you guys are not alone that you know I have had it happen to us and our family and I'm sure there's a house and other women out there who have had it happen to them there's women out there who have serious problems with infertility which is not my case um well at least I hope not but as of right now that we don't consider that being my case with my OB um we've discussed the situation and/or what happened and she said she thinks it's just it was just a like a bump in the road and or it is so common and it happens so often most of the time women don't talk about it because it's you know it's such an emotional roller coaster and it's such an emotional time in your life and it's something that's not easy to get over with or not necessarily over with because you never really get over it um something that's really is now being talked about a lot actually I was going to say um a lot of women are coming out and I wanted to be a part of that I wanted to share my story and kind of how it made me feel and how our family felt at the time and how we handled it and just where we are at now in our family so let's stop rambling and let's get on with the story so mean Oliver decided that it was time for us to start trying again for baby number two um we have always said that we want a large family we want four kids if God allows us to of course it's not you know what that ultimately but we would love to have four kids it's the number of kids that we would love to have well we just had you know it's time to start trying for baby number two we had said we were going to start trying actually July which is next but we just were like you know what it kind of like when we started trying brashaad were like just go with it so we started trying but not trying if that makes any sense so we were not protecting ourselves and we're just like you know if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't it's kind of like our mentality where our mentality was that that woman because we didn't want to really start trying until July um we're like okay let's just start trying for not trying or not protecting ourselves in this in the safe so with the event news protection and me being me I got pregnant with the first I don't mean I'm assuming the first time that we tried it um that we had sex without protection and I have very regular periods I've never had any issues with that um the only thing with my parents is that they've only they're only last four days which is I know it's common like anywhere from four to six or seven days I know there's women who have it like forever but mine are pretty short and they're pretty light which is what I was telling my OB um my pears are pretty pretty regular pretty light and only lasts about four days its he might so um I I kind of had a feeling that I was pregnant so I was testing and they were all negative negative negative negative negative negative I was like okay whatever you know like I guess I'm just testing early I don't know and I started testing at the same time that I had started testing with Shila before um my miss period because I do like to test earlier I'm just that excited or hyper to have a like I just might want to have a baby is just that big that I test her I don't like to wait so I was cussing early and they were all negative and then finally it becomes like two days before I miss period I was like my boobs feel weird because I had stopped testing for like three days so I was like okay I'm not pregnant they're all negative whatever my period will come but then two days before I got my period I'm like okay this is weird um if you know what I'm talking about is any of you have breastfed you know what I'm what I'm talking about even more because my boobs felt like when I was breastfeeding I don't know why but that's what they felt like I need to take your pregnancy test so I went into the bathroom and took apart test and sure enough there was two lines there was one very very faint line and I'm like okay so I went to the store and then two days later I tested with a clear blue pregnancy test which is what you guys saw in the video that I posted and of course it said I was pregnant we're so over the moon and overjoyed about it and we were so excited we were in disbelief that it had happened that fast again and we were just like you know we're just lucky so that happened I shared the news with my husband we were very both excited but for some reason this pregnancy guys I wanted to wait before telling anybody in our family because with Shila we told everybody pretty early on I believe I was like seven weeks pregnant when we told our entire family and when I say entire family I have a huge family if you guys know me yah know how big my family is both like my husband and mine and so this time around I was like you know what I was like Oliver I don't want to like I don't want to tell anybody yet like I don't want to tell nobody like nobody nobody nobody until I am 12 weeks pregnant he's like why that's a long time of the law how are we gonna hide it and then on top of that my stomach was bloating up so much and I don't know why but I literally looked like I was three months pregnant and I was only like five weeks six weeks um I didn't understand that either I don't know that was like the sign of a miscarriage too or I don't know but my stomach was very bloated um and I was like okay and Oliver said are you sure you're not having twins we were like okay you know so that happened and I was just very adamant with my husband I'm like you know there's just something in me telling me like wait well six weeks came around and I was about six weeks five days it was on a Wednesday and I remember I was outside in the front porch with Schuyler we were sitting waiting for Rico to go potty and I was like okay let's go inside and shower so we came in and we were getting in the shower and I don't know about God but I have to go pee before I shower so I went to go pee and when I pulled my underpants down I noticed that there was blood and usually when I start my period and I plead like that on my clothes I can feel it like I'm like oh shit I'm bleep this time I didn't feel it which was weird like and it wasn't just like a tiny little spy was like an big spot like that big and I'm like okay I'm like why am i bleeding so I had never had bleeding issues with Shila so it's a little even more scarier for me this time and I'm like okay and I hadn't been to my first appointment um to the OB anyways because you're not supposed to go in or they don't typically see you if anywhere from seven to eight weeks so it's like there's no point at me scheduling it's like I'd even scheduled an appointment or anything I was you know what I'm just gonna waiting to like I mean eight weeks to call and go in I'm sure he'll be fine I had a super breezy easy-peasy pregnancy with a Shila know like hard times there was nothing wrong the only wrong thing that happened with Shila was towards like the end of the pregnancy my amniotic fluid started to go down in this levels but other than that pregnancy was a piece of cake and besides they're like throwing up every day all day my entire pregnancy um but yeah I was like why am i bleeding so immediately I call my husband and I'm like I'm bleeding what do you mean I'm like I'm bleeding and he's like will call the doctor go to the hospital like what do you want what do you want to do blah blah and I'm like let me just call the doctor doctor's office and see if they can see me or like you know what they're saying so I call the doctor's office and explained to them what was happening I told him I was bleeding and she said okay well we haven't comprehensive pregnancy so it's a little hard for us to tell you what's going on or like you know give you an answer so she's like how far along did you say you were and I was like six weeks five days and she's like well you know I know it's a little early but let me talk to the tech culture sound or ultrasound type of person and see what she says maybe we're able to see her heartbeat because the baby should be a little bigger now and I was like okay and I remember that first Shila I think they saw me out like six weeks at a couple days – and it was awesome there was a great heartbeat and everything so that went on and she was just kind of telling you know like if this is a miscarriage there's nothing that you can really do to stop it but just go ahead and come in and we'll see what what's going on and that way maybe we can give you a better answer so I had Shia and I needed somebody to come with me because obviously I couldn't hold her because she's not walking yet and I knew she was never stay still so I couldn't hold her try to call somebody to come with me to the doctor's office so I called Ellie my cousin and Yasmine actually with her two because they were together and I called Ellie and I was like um do you mind coming with me to an appointment I really need you to come and she's like yeah that's fine I didn't even tell her where I was going or anything she had to be somewhere so she actually followed my car and then when we got there I was like I'm pregnant and they're like yeah and I'm like well not to be so excited I'm like I'm actually bleeding I think I might be having a miscarriage but they're telling me it could be hormonal bleeding so they wanted me to come in and that's why I need a job to come in they're like okay it's fine so we went in and I got seen right away and they did a vaginal ultrasound and she took a minute before turning on the camera for us to see just like looking around and stuff and then she turned and she at first first she asked me she said um are your parents regular and I'm like yeah and she said what did you say your last query was and I told her and she's like okay and so I kind of had a feeling that there was something definitely wrong um and then she said I'm like not crying and I'm trying to think about everything that happened um then she said okay she's like well the baby is only measuring at about five weeks and I'm like okay and she's like um it could be that the baby is just a little smaller and hasn't developed all the way yet or it could be that you're in early miscarriage and I'm like the sack was tiny she should she finally showed me the ultrasound picture and I looked nothing like what Sheila's looked like there was nothing inside the sack that I could see and it was tiny so I that kind of gave me my answer but I was being hopeful and then I went in to see one of the doctors and she came in and she pretty much told me what I already knew that if it was a miscarriage there was nothing that we could do to stop it and that there was nothing that I could have done to make myself have the miscarriage or harm the baby or anything like that but that it could also be hormonal bleeding and that the baby is just smaller than we thought I can see later than I had thought so I came home thinking about it and like you know if maybe it didn't happen when I thought happen and maybe I did conceive leader like so I started to be hopeful because the bleeding started to calm down a little it wasn't heavy any or I mean it wasn't heavy to begin with but it wasn't getting heavier so it was it okay that's fine and there was no cramping involved well then we went to bed because it was pretty late that night we went to bed and then during the night I started cramping and it wasn't horrible like it was like like mild cramping but I kind of had that feeling like it's happening like I'm about to lose my baby keep in mind I was pretty stable and I was pretty put together this entire time like I did not cry at the doctor's office I did not cry when I was calling all over I didn't cry like at all that day and so overnight I had what I was telling guys the cramping and then I could feel the bleeding just get heavier and heavier and I kept telling myself just go to sleep it's a bad dream you're gonna wake up I'm here to stop bleeding and everything's gonna be fine so I ended up dozing off and falling asleep and then in the morning I woke up I couldn't even wake myself up like I was so tired but I Sheila was crying in her room and I remember I got up and I knew in that moment I knew so I felt like shit literally what I felt like shit and I knew I needed to get up and get my daughter because she was crying in her room alright anyways like I was saying I knew I need to get up and get my daughter and get taking like take care of her because there was nobody else at home with me my husband had already left to work so I got up and I got her and I gave her some Cheerios and some milk for her to eat and stay together and when I gave her her stuff I looked or I turned around so I wasn't facing her and I lost my shit guys I lost it I completely just lost it I was screaming crying my eyes out there was nobody with me I didn't have anybody my family know what was going on not my mom not my mother-in-law not anybody not my sisters no one knew except my cousins and they had to I hadn't talked to them at that moment but I won in my mom and I wanted my sister's here so I couldn't bear to call my mom and tell her what was going on because that's just not something that you want to tell your parents you know that you're losing one of their grandchildren so I called my sister so I called my sister and I told her I need you to come right now and she said what's going on why are you crying like she's panicked you know because she knows something really bad happened and she's like Ana you know it's wrong and I can't even get a hold of my breath I wish I could explain to you guys the way I felt that moment better because it was unbearable so I'm trying to get my breath together to be able to even tell her what's going on because keep in mind I just they don't know what I'm pregnant and finally I get I'm able to tell her what's going on and she's like calm down I'm coming like I'm coming I'm coming and after I finally said the words and everything was like said to her I kind of felt a little relief but I was like okay it's I said it it's I said and I told her no it's fine like don't worry like I just need to get it now I needed to tell somebody like I'm fine now I'll be fine and she's like new to know you're not supposed to be alone she was like have you called mommy and I'm like no I can't tell her like I can't bear to tell her and so she's like well I'm still coming I'm like no you have to go to work go to work it's fine which is like no no no I'm still coming you know like I just really needed someone here because I don't feel like I can take care of Shia so she's like call mommy let her know and like I said guys I could not call her I could not tell her I don't know why I just couldn't so I texted jacking my other sister one of my younger sisters the one that's after me and I told her I told her and in text what was going on I said I was pregnant and I'm having a miscarriage I need John to come now Monica got here and a little bit after my mom showed up near my sister's and when Monica got here I was a little more I had my stuff together a little more like I wasn't crying or anything like I had cried a good bit already um and then my mom got here I don't know why it makes me more emotional when I talk about my mom my mom got here and she looked at me and she had tears filling her eyes and I could feel them filling mine and I just cried nice when I told her I'm losing my baby and she cried and she held me and she said no more crime she said things happen for a reason and God has a plan for everybody and that was our plan and our family and that was her plan and that was your baby's plan she said you know maybe the baby wasn't okay um they just happened she's like which you're okay you have a beautiful blessing your daughter like I know I don't fit it's just it's crazy because you don't think it's gonna happen to you honestly like when you've had such a great pregnancy your baby so healthy you couldn't you could have never expected it so they were with me pretty much the entire time and and that was that like 8:00 in the morning 7:00 in the morning and then Ellie and Yasmine showed up after I guess because I didn't text Ellie back I think or maybe I did tell her I can't remember um would they showed up too and then by like ten of 10:00 a.m. I miscarried and I know I miscarried because my bleeding got really really heavy animals I mean really really bad and I you know a lot of there was a lot of clots and stuff so I knew I had miscarried at that moment I did not call my mother a lot either that was another person that I couldn't tell like I just me myself I could not tell them and on top of that I didn't want to talk about it anymore I kind of just wanted to cry and that be it like I didn't want to tell anybody I didn't want to talk about it I didn't want to like I don't wanna have to repeat what was going on sorry guys I had to change the battery it was dying um like I was saying I didn't wanna have to repeat what was going on so I called my husband and I told him I said you need to tell your mom because I can't tell her and he was like why not just call her you know I'm sure she wants you to tell her and I'm like Oliver I cannot tell her I'm like I'm telling you I cannot tell her you need to call her so he waited to call her until after work and he called her I think she called him maybe because usually she called him in the afternoon so I think she called him just to see how we were and Oliver broke the news to her and then she called me but I think somebody was over or something and I couldn't answer so I didn't answer oh no I was finished I lived asleep because this was like really really late at night it was like 9 p.m. by that time Annika and her husband um her husband Monica and her fiancee came over my sister and they just came to check on me and stop and you know say their condolences and whatnot and spend a little time with us just to make sure we didn't need anything or anything like that we had been outside in the patio for a while with the dogs and then finally we came in um I was rocking Shila to sleep and I think that's when she called so I couldn't answer it and I texted her and I said I'll call you in a moment and then I came out and I spoke to her on the phone and I told her you know from my own words what had happened and what had the doctors had said and everything like that she was crying and she pretty much said the same thing you know that my mom said and she's you've already cried about it don't cry about it anymore um she's like things happen for a reason and you guys are healthy and young and you guys can try again and it's like when people say that like it makes you bad I want to like I I don't know about y'all it makes me mad because not because they said that or because they're like not sensible about it but because you've lost your child you know so there's really nothing anybody can say that's gonna make you feel better Amy like there's nothing so finally um I think a couple days after that was like the week after I spoke to my husband about her and I'm like you know I don't want to keep this to ourselves I want to share our baby story and I was like I need like I wanna announce it and I wanted people to know that there was a baby that we had another baby just because it's not with us anymore doesn't mean that if we didn't have a baby and so he's here Frieden we announced that we had had a miscarriage and I got a lot of support from a lot of people um my cousin was reached out um one of my cousin wasn't specific she texted me and she said you know there's absolutely nothing I can say and it breaks my heart she's like I just wish I could take that pain from you Enda as much as I didn't want to feel that pain I wouldn't have ever wanted her to feel that but just what she said was just perfect and she asked me you know how are you doing you know how are you feeling and I told her just when I feel like I'm okay I lose it and it was honestly like that like dealing the couple days after the myth with like okay I'm fine you know God is right you know there's no reason to question God's plans and I still don't I still you know believe that everything does happen for a reason and that was just what happened to us um so just when you feel like you're okay there's just something that triggered then you lose it honestly um it was just a feeling that you can't get rid of so now we are here almost a month after pretty much I think month after everything um we're almost a month after everything and it does get easier I can't say that it doesn't but you still think about that baby you know and you're always going to think about it and you're gonna think the the what-ifs even though I I read a post some somewhere guys that we shouldn't think that way we should think that there was there is no but it's like that's just what God wanted but anyways I just wanted to come on here and share my story and share how I felt and how our family dealt with it and everything like that um like I said I had a ton of great support from my family all of my family my aunts my cousin's um everybody um also one other aunt gave me a really great piece of advice that she kind of found that helped her when she had her miscarriage not too long ago she said put a sex to that baby and a name because that baby is your child and it has just that right as any other child I have not put it injured to my baby or a name but I would love to do that actually I think that's that's a great thing to do mmm there's something me and my husband have been discussing but that's all I really wanted to share with you guys I hope that this gives you a little bit of comfort if you're going through it and watching videos on YouTube I know I watched several several miscarriage videos after mine happened if you ever need me I'm here for you guys your need so I'm gonna talk to someone to cry with I'm here for you guys just do you have me on instagram or anywhere if you have my personal phone number or just messaged me and just know that it's I'm one in four I'm one in four women who have had a miscarriage in their life I hope and pray that that was my one and only my mom went through four miscarriages I think in her life three or four I can't remember but a few so yeah that's all I wanted to say I hope you guys enjoyed this video even though the little side it's a it's still a story time and I wanted to share my story if you liked it give it a thumbs up I promise you guys I will have some more exciting more like I legged it content up for you guys in the next videos but I'm glad to be back that's one of the reasons that I was pretty much gone for a while glad to be back and I will see you guys in the next video

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