The Silent Pain of Pregnancy Loss for the Man


hey everyone welcome back to our voyage
today I’m going to talk about something personal and to be honest it makes me a
lot uncomfortable I was gonna say a little bit that’s not true um and I
debated whether or not I actually want to talk about her or not but I talked
with Melisa and we agreed that it’s important to share so anyone who has
recently watched our channel you might have seen a baby a week or two ago my
wife Melissa shared a video where she talked about being scared to get
pregnant again after going through two miscarriages in a row so we thought as a
good companion pizza that I would talk today about the feelings I’m going
through and wit through at the time and share sort of the struggle from from the
male perspective of the effect the miscarriages have on myself on our
relationship and on how we’re feeling going forward so it’s something that
maybe doesn’t get talked about as much because obviously the woman in that
scenario goes through something way worse that I could never my wife went
through something that I could never imagine or recreate or you know come to
terms with but there obviously is a great emotional effect on myself as well
having lost two babies that we had plans for and we thought we’re gonna come into
the world but didn’t get to see them so today I just want to sort of share my
perspective on that and my feelings and hopefully it could be helpful for anyone
out there may have been going through or is going through the same thing for
anyone out there who doesn’t know my wife from Lisa and I have been married
for four years now and we have been actively trying to get pregnant for the
last year or two I’d say on and off and we had recently well not recently but in
the last year we had two miscarriages in a row
I don’t had a really tough thing to get one that wasn’t something we were
expecting I think no one really expects it when they tried for the first time
good he’s been so long trying not to get pregnant you think that when you’re
ready to try it’ll be not easy but you think it’ll happen and so it was
definitely it was definitely surprising I’d say when we saw that there were
issues and it’s one of those things kind of hard to prepare for I think why it’s
hard to prepare is because it’s not something that people talk about a lot a
lot of women don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I know men
definitely don’t feel comfortable talking about it I think one of the
reasons it’s hard especially as the husband or the father to be or you know
just the male and the partnership who’s trying also to get pregnant with okay
have a child is that you know how much harder it is for the woman who went
through the miscarriage because they’re the person who had their baby growing
inside them and they they’re the one who had to prepare mentally for all the
physical changes they go through all the emotional changes that come with
different hormones and just something they’ve obviously thought about their
whole lives and so in a way it’s hard from it was hard from my side to feel
like I had a right to be as upset even though I was obviously devastated as
well when I found out about both miscarriages but I felt like I had to
make sure I was there for Melissa first and foremost and making sure I was
taking care of any kind of things she needed any worry she had trying to be
her shoulder to cry on and so it’s hard to feel like you can or felt like I can
ask for sympathy for myself because I didn’t want to feel like I was taken
away from the gravity of the situation for her
because I can’t compare to what she had to go through I didn’t I wasn’t the one
who’s pregnant I wasn’t the one who’s growing and I wasn’t the one who had to
deal with the after-effects in the trauma of having a miscarriage and what
all comes with that but obviously the potential boy girl whatever the baby
that was being grown was mine as well so it hurt me greatly also and it’s it’s
just an interesting position to be in because you don’t want to feel like
you’re not being there for your wife or your partner you don’t want to feel like
you’re making it about yourself because the police’s situation wasn’t worse but
at the same time at the same time there’s a lot that you’re going through
as well and so it’s an interesting and really tough position I think to be in
because I didn’t want to add to her worries she was going through so much
already but I did want to talk about it but I had to I you I wanted to wait and
make sure it was what she was ready to talk about it and so I was making sure
that she was all right first and foremost and it does and it’s tough and
I said it’s really it’s a tough position and it’s in a tough situation and I
wouldn’t wish it on ously on anybody to go through and I think one of the hard
things too is when you go and malia submission this I know is when you go to
the doctors and the nurses about this and I mean it makes sense it’s their job
they have to deal with this a lot they have to have you know a professional
disconnect from it but it’s especially when it’s early on in the pregnancy even
you know two months in it’s treated with a lot of kind of disregard like it’s no
big deal when because for them it’s just another
case that they probably see on you know daily
a weekly basis or however option it happens but much more common than we
have to deal with as the couple but for us it’s like you know you’re already
thinking about what you’re gonna change in your life basically changing your
life plans around this potential baby and then you’re just told in an
examining room or in a doctor’s office or open over the phone
that yeah you’re not gonna have a baby now and it’s you get told things like
it’s very common and it’s logically it makes sense and all that but it’s really
it comes off as dismissive and it comes off as something that not a big deal
when it is a huge deal obviously to you and so that was really tough to I think
and it was I I also had a hard time because on melesa side she would tell me
things like she felt like she failed me or she failed us as a as her you know
her role or her promise or whatever she however she earned it in her role as
being like having a baby for us because she wanted to see me be a father and she
would have us have a child and she felt like with two miscarriages were that she
was family and there was something wrong with her and that’s really hard to hear
your wife stay because there’s only you could tell her over and over again that
that’s not true that I don’t feel that way because I didn’t but you can only
convince someone of so much when they have that thought in their head that
they’re failing or that they’re not doing what they’re supposed to and so it
was really tough to see him always to feel that way and to feel like I had
heart and causing that because it makes you question like do I want to keep
putting my wife through this because obviously we really want to have a baby
but I also don’t want to constantly see my wife go through this disappointment
and go through this pain and feel like a failure feel more like there’s something
wrong with her because she’s the one who’s you know growing the baby and who
has to go through the miscarriage even if it might have been something from my
genetics it’s still I’m not the one who has to go
that loss and feel like something my body did caused something to go wrong
and so it was a really tough thing to go through and I tried to I think the most
useful thing I said then when he’s at least according to her that she thought
was the most helpful was that I told her that no matter what I mean I didn’t I
didn’t marry her to be a baby factory I married her no matter what so if we have
a baby great if we don’t we’re still gonna have a really great life and we’re
still gonna have great things to look forward to together and that’s why I
married her I didn’t marry her so I could produce for the only reason to
produce my obviously we want to have children but that’s not the only reason
I married her and I know we’re gonna have a great life no matter what and I
just keep reminding her of that but it is really scary I think just like she
said it makes it were you worried about even if you know Melissa gets pregnant
again is it gonna go wrong again and then am I gonna have to see obviously
all the pain that that caused of myself but also even worse in my opinion is
seeing Melissa be in pain because one of those things where it’s like I think you
get used to everybody has pain in their own life
they get used to things that happen to them things that make them feel sad feel
bad whatever but it’s really hard to see someone who you conveyed your life to
who you love who you want to have all the best for to see them in pain and to
see them constantly be subjected to this pain and you’re being an active part in
it by trying to have the baby with her it’s really hard to see at least they go
through that and note that I in some way obviously I was part of causing that
pain because we both decided to have the baby we’re trying again so it makes you
scared to try again and then if that goes wrong then try again and so it
causes a lot of anxiety and it causes a lot of worry and it’s just a tough
position to be in and I get now why why people can really
lose it from these types of from having miscarriages whether it be having
trouble in their marriage for the having trouble you know mental issues
depression things like that because it’s a really tough thing to go through and
there’s not a great support network for it in terms of you know everyone’s
experience is different and it’s hard to talk about people because when it
happens you first off at least like we did we feel you feel errors first off if
you’ve already told people if you told your family or thing like that you feel
embarrassed that you come off looking foolish that you made this big
announcement and then you’re gonna have to tell everybody you can say when the
last thing you wanna do is talk about you we’re at the Kalimantan say no it’s
not happening or not gonna have a baby and so you feel embarrassed and you feel
foolish and you feel mad you feel upset and you feel like you don’t want to talk
to anyone but at the same time that’s what you need to do to feel better
really you really do need to talk it out but there’s no there’s no really best
way to do that there’s no best time to do that you just don’t wait and yet the
guess especially with each other even without when is the right time to
approach it when it’s the right time to talk about it how to talk about it how
to make sure you’re not making it worse for the other person how to make sure
you’re setting yourself up to be able to try again in the future without it being
something that’s going to cause a lot of anxiety and a lot of pain and it’s just
it’s a really tough it’s a really tough thing to go through and so the reason we
want to talk about it out here and share I guess our experience with it is that
we think it is something important to talk about and we think it’s important
to let people know that there they are going through this are not the only ones
and it’s not unimportant and it’s not even if it is common it’s not it doesn’t
make it what happened to you what happened to us any less important or any
less traumatic or any less painful just because it happened to happened lots of
other people as well and so we wanted to share our perspective on it
let anyone out there who is going to be the same thing know that while you’ll
never forget it even if it was a short pregnancy you never forget it it is
never unimportant that I think talking about especially their partner is the
most important thing to do and being there for each other because no one’s
gonna quite understand it like them even other people who got through
miscarriages those couples will never fly understand it because it wasn’t the
same people it wasn’t the same potential you know maybe going to be very not born
it wasn’t the same situation and so just making sure you’re there for each other
and you’re giving each other support because no one else really can and I
think that’s the most important thing me and at least I’ve learned that it is
that it can either they can either I’d say it can either strengthen your
relationship or or weaken so we’ve chosen it we’ve chosen to make it
something that strengthens us and bonds us that we were there for each other in
these hard times and that we hope will get through it on the other side with
you know a really positive story at the end and that hopefully this story could
even help other people who might be going through the same thing and just
give them a chance to talk to each other and to know that there ain’t not in in
all this so we hope this helped we hope to hearing it from my side helped I was
like I said I’m a little uncomfortable with talking about personal stuff
especially I have getting comfortable talking with personal stuff with people
in person much less to you know through a youtube video but like I said we
thought it was an important thing to share we hope you guys got something
useful out of it and that yeah you if you are having something like it just
know you’re not the only ones and it hopefully will get better and something
positive will come in the end

7 Replies to “The Silent Pain of Pregnancy Loss for the Man”

  1. Thank you for sharing. We don't hear enough about the effect of this loss for the other half and I can see it wasn't easy to talk about it. Much love and hope things work out if/when you're ready to try again. More time to prep to be even better parents for when the time comes. πŸ˜€ xoxo

  2. I commend you Joseph for coming forward and expressing your feelings, thoughts on the loss of your pregnancies. You never really hear from the fathers point of view. Like it's some kind of taboo for a man to talk about their feelings. Thank you for being so brave in hope that this could help others that are going through the samething.

  3. Feel your pain. My wife and I went through the exact same thing. We ended up adopting our wonderful son. Win win! Look into adoption through the state…it’s inexpensive and lots of kids need loving homes like yours. πŸ‘πŸ»

  4. So sorry for your loss. I think it will help other men hearing this. The loss is experience by the entire family.
    Sending my love Aunt Linda πŸ™β™₯οΈπŸ™

  5. So sorry for your loss .Thank you for sharing ,you are both such good souls and if anyone should be blessed to be parents it is you two awesome people!.I am praying the best will happen soon for you both.

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