The Taboo of Miscarriage



oh yeah yeah I've had two miscarriages I've had ten miscarriages I've had three miscarriages I've had six miscarriages and I've had two I've had two I've had two as well I've had one miscarriage in my life I've had three miscarriages so far we've had one miscarriage ya yin which was some yeah hard enough I was around seven to eight weeks for both of them I was five weeks pregnant when we found out we're losing the baby my first miscarriage was very early it was at nine or ten weeks and my second miscarriage was at 13 weeks I was nine weeks along with the first one and 12 weeks with the second one so the furthest al along a guard was 17 weeks was my latest miscarriage and then I had about four miscarriages around the end of the first trimester so around the 12-week mark that I found out about when I went from our scan and then the rest of them were early miscarriages under the 12-week mark my first one I was ten weeks along and the others were you know around that seven eight week mark my first one I was ten weeks my second one I was somewhere between eight and ten weeks my first miscarriage I was six weeks along my second miscarriage I was 12 weeks along and my third miscarriage I was about 24 hours along the first one was eight weeks the second one was around six weeks and the third one was around six weeks as well my first experience with miscarriage it came out straight of the blue I woke up with severe cramping and bleeding and ran to the bathroom and immediately started contracting and my body just started expelling the pregnancy with my first one I didn't know I was having a miscarriage I just I had one teeny-tiny incy wincy drop of blood and I just thought probably nothing I found out with the nine week miscarriage the first one at the obstetricians office with an early scan I'm just basically showing that it was what we call a blighted ovum which is when there's just a sac and no baby and then with the second one I actually found out at our 12-week scan the dating scan that the baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat the second miscarriage I had I went for an ultrasound everything seemed to be growing normally they just couldn't find a heartbeat at six weeks so they told me to just wait a little bit longer my dates could have been wrong and subsequently in my second ultrasound they couldn't find the heartbeat was ten weeks pregnant and I'd had again a scan a few weeks earlier to make sure everything was okay because was more nervous in this pregnancy and I'd saw a heartbeat everything was measuring perfectly and fine but on holiday I started to spot then I started to bleed and I am I didn't tell anyone not even my husband because I didn't want to spoil anybody's holiday so I dealt with that as the bleeding got heavier and heavier and Ike started to cramp by myself for two days until I came home and then I went for a scan and then I heard those words again I'm sorry there is no heart beat and that pregnancy I passed naturally at home in the shower alone at 3 in the morning with nowhere to turn episode 4 Google to work out if it was normal what I was experiencing or whether I needed a trip to the hospital my third miscarriage was almost like an immediate miscarriage again where I got the positive pregnancy test went to work that day and started bleeding straightaway while I was at work literally straight after I had told my husband that I was pregnant so the first miscarriage was actually the first time I got pregnant through an IUI cycle and I'd been having spotting for about ten days and I ad jeté 'td the nurses and the doctors for a scan and the second miscarriage there were some other signs that were being picked up in my monitoring that gave an indication that things weren't going very well I didn't so I had had two children pretty easily so the first lateness car it took me by surprise and that was a missed miscarriage no I know I didn't know that there were different types of miscarriages I think the first one was a very straight down the line the embryo wasn't genetically sound and and just didn't continue to grow and develop as it should have and the second one there was actually a proper genetic abnormality which led to the baby not being viable from all I know is I had a normal miscarriage or it may be an early term miscarriage we got a call a week later after we found out we were pregnant that my HCG levels had dropped and to expect to start bleeding within the next few days so for me yeah it was smog refers he did a really poor job of telling me the news by the time I think I heard my fourth missed miscarriage diagnosed by ultrasound I had gone insane this has happened to me three times already when she said to me the baby has no heartbeat I just remember saying of course a dozen so it was pretty pretty tough I went to the emergency room and I was told to go get an ultrasound when I got an ultrasound and they couldn't find anything in there basically my body had just expelled it pretty quickly I think they found a little bit of pregnancy tissue and mmm I was told to take a pan at all and just go home and wait for it to end basically I mean definitely the first one that stands out the most as that you know I'm some I'm very sorry your baby has no heartbeat yeah it was just yeah it was just devastating nothing I think um you never hear a silence like it hmm just completely unexpected in Florida and I think you condition yourself then yeah but you know when you go for those for the subsequent ones I was expecting it almost so it was just I don't know somehow bit different but yeah support was amazing but then once you walk out of the hospital or out of the clinic you're quite lost yes my doctor was amazing he offered me his own personal support and gave me connections to details that he had at that point pink elephants didn't exist sadly so that was I think sans probably but I relied on family and friends the second time around I found a GP who had a much better model of care and she was far more supportive she had a level of understanding and she as she offered more emotional support which is and that made the experience easier she validated that my loss matters and that it was okay to be absolutely devastated and that was normal definitely for me the GP was the head of the clinic and he was just he was so sad that he had to be the one to tell me about the miscarriage and it was funny because I felt like he needed to give me something or like I walked away with nothing no paperwork nothing to refer to and I feel like that's something where pink elephants could have been really helpful I had none of my questions were answered I was really dismissed and I just felt like a number you know system and I felt as though my living breathing child to me was just nothing to them I felt really like trapped in this grief I felt like I was trying to speak to people and tell them that I really wasn't coping but I think the shock was so so big that I just yeah it was really really tough and I have amazing supportive husband and family and everyone around me and everybody wanted to help and everyone wanted to be supportive but it's really hard to vocalize what you're going through to someone that hasn't gone through it I was quite lucky to have the support that I did because I had close friends that have been through this sort of thing before so I was very open about it and was able to talk to my family and friends about it for me my family overseas so I was probably felt further isolated from them because I couldn't just have my mom give me a hug and and then even with friends I struggled just because people would talk about it whether I've had one too and they'd whisper and for me who is a talker and he's quite outgoing that made me angry because it made me feel like we were hiding this thing that had happened to us and I didn't understand why I should hide something because I didn't feel guilty about my losses I felt grief I was sad I'd lost my babies that I'd planned and wanted I felt I could talk to my own mother I had no idea that she actually had a miscarriage until I probed her a little bit more recently but but generally miscarriage wasn't in my family no one else had experienced experienced it my husband's side of the family I really struggled talking with them about it because I felt such an odd like primal thing but like I felt like I failed their son so I I struggled yeah I struggled speaking with the most of my family except probably just my mother and you know family like to come up with solutions for you friends like to come up with solutions you know well it'll happen again quickly or just fix this or just do this so why don't I get tested for this and and you know it's only coming out the other side that I realized they were all just trying their best to support me it was really strange for us because if you think about it we had a week where we felt well pregnant so it was we kept thinking up with so early so we shouldn't obviously get excited but keeping it was my first pregnancy I I was in I was I I'm pregnant this is gonna happen so when we found out that suddenly it wasn't going to happen it was a it was a really big shock yeah it's very complicated I found it like the first loss kind of went through the loss and my husband we were really close and everything went you know kind of really we got through it and we're like we're gonna try again and then after the second loss I think the shock of the miscarriage and I actually had an emergency DNC and there was quite a lot of trauma and it was very traumatic for both of us and it we really struggled to get through that because my husband he I know now that he wasn't coping with seeing me the way that I was and he could do absolutely nothing to fix it and I found that also talking with so many women through the support program that like men want to fix this like so they want to mend the fixes they want to fix things they want to make sure that you know everyone's okay and they can they can fix things this is probably one of the only things they can't fix and I find that that's that's probably for me the thing my husband couldn't do anything for me and we got to a point where I was six months down the line and I was still grieving and he just didn't know what to do anymore and that actually made it really really hard for us to communicate and we talk about that now when we look back at it and that's what he says to me he said I just did not know how to do like what I needed to do for you because I couldn't fix the situation yeah my husband he was absolutely devastated as well he wasn't at the scam with me but he came straight home and we then he had the next day off work as well and he just he was distraught absolutely distraught but he was betty was great like you know he was so supportive and so wonderful and it was nice that we could nice but that we cried together and grieved together so you know I didn't feel that I was alone in my marriage having lost a baby together you know I think probably as we went on and got further down the track with more losses wasn't it was just a bit different I think it you know it just go you know sad but obviously went to work and kind of continued on as normal because kind of had to really but no it look he's he was great definitely great and supportive yeah I definitely think that men and women cope with loss pregnancy loss differently yeah definitely absolutely the Menem are known as translational grievers which means that they cope by doing and fixing and boxing things away and trying the best to make you okay rather than actually processing the emotion of the loss that's Berta say the woman is physically going through something and the man is emotionally going through something and trying to be supportive but he'll never know what that physically feels like so that fundamentally there's always going to be a different reaction and and coping mechanism to that because he's not feeling what I'm feeling on the inside he's not going through you know the the cramping that bleeding the just everything you know all the hormonal changes so he's just seeing everything on the outside and and of course he's upset emotionally and mentally but for him to to go through it physically he he can't my husband and I both dealt with the miscarriage in different ways I really wore my heart on my sleeve with him I really told him everything I was physically feeling emotionally feeling psychologically feeling whereas my husband seemed to shut down and go on autopilot mode of being the protector the husband the rock the you know pick yourself back up kind of thing and it took a lot of questioning on my end for him to finally sort of share a little bit more about how he was feeling and even to this day I think he still struggles with it then the biggest thing with miscarriage is the self blame you know I got quite defensive at times and so we would end up in quite a few arguments during that period when we were trying to keep calm so I think there was a period later on where I really looked at that it wasn't straight away it was it was quite a little while afterwards but I was starting to feel feel a bit of that to feel a bit of guilt and felt like you know I was partly to blame for that by not keeping stays calm and keeping the relationship settled during that period of time so it definitely did creep in a little bit which breaks me I need to say again everyone's filming us we never have that power I will just continue to repay these yeah yeah yeah no I didn't blame myself no I am I've got a good kind of belief system and some really good foundations you just feel so responsible for your body and what it's doing and you just feel like such a failure and that's really difficult as a woman and that's a really hard cross to bear I really wanted to know why not it wasn't that I blamed me or anything that I've done necessarily but I just needed to know why because if I knew why I could rationalize it if I knew why I could fix it I can do something tell me why and what I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen again no it was really weird I never blamed myself I think had dissociated from everything that was going on I think I had to again the rational part of me knows fully but it wasn't but they'll still always be a little part of me with self-doubt I don't think I'll ever go hmm yeah I definitely yeah no definitely come to realize that it wasn't that it wasn't my fault and I've definitely grown more accustomed to surrendering to whatever the universe has in store knowing now what I do I know that it was nothing that I had done nothing I'd eaten not my stress I know now that sometimes just an embryo doesn't have enough energy or your lining wasn't quite right or there was something wrong and it's not your fault there's always that what if but I mean 9 out of 10 times I know it's not my fault and I know that I shouldn't be beating myself up blaming myself you know call these losses I know now that there it wasn't my fault but it doesn't take away the fact that there's still that sense of loss and I feel comforted in knowing that by sharing my story I'm speaking with other women who have felt similar things and that certainly makes me feel stronger and it certainly helps me knowing that if someone else was feeling the same way they would hopefully gain a bit of strength from me sharing my experience and realizing that it's not their fault either yeah it's a good question I think aha I was just trying to get through the days I was literally just you know kind of you get getting through the days I think after the second miscarriage I I was just I I think I ended up with complicated grief I was still six months after really struggling and I actually went and saw a psychologist which I think was very very helpful so the way that I dealt with it was I said I'm going to become a counselor and I'm going to work in the space and be able to help people who are losing baby so even though I didn't have the capacity to look inside and see what I need I guess what I did was went to study counseling as soon as my husband and I knew that we were going to miscarry and we were told obviously a few days before it was going to happen we booked a little country place down south together with our dogs and we spent a few days there just to go through it together I think it was really important to get away from everything and really acknowledge what was happening and not pretend it wasn't happening and then just really be there for each other I would normally kind of go hide under my rock for a few days and just I needed to just be with me husband just not talk to anyone not see anyone just you know I didn't do any particular self care things other than just protect myself while I kind of processed what was happening I didn't do anything I just kept going I just kept going I love myself to cry I really allowed myself to cry but a lot of that was done in the shower or when no one was really looking or with my husband when he was just about to fall asleep but in bed and I was still wide awake in my mind was racing I I allowed myself to cry and grieve but I didn't I didn't really nurture myself or anything like that I think that only came after the fact I talked I told everyone I didn't care how uncomfortable it made them feel because it made a little part of me feel better by telling them and sharing it it almost kind of relieved the burden of it a little bit for me it was talking talking to friends I like to journal and draw and do a few things like that just to remember the babies that I've lost it's funny before I ever had a miscarriage I I didn't really ever think about this and didn't think about when my friends used to talk about that they'd had a miscarriage it felt really like oh yes so it just didn't work now being in the situation where I have had one and women aren't talking about it I really feel like it's got to do with feeling like you've failed in some way that you couldn't quite do it maybe something's wrong with you for me I think personally that's why I wouldn't go telling people it's something that I've thought about quite a lot why Society has trouble discussing this really important issue I think there's a lot to be said for the fact that couples and women don't talk about that the fact that they're pregnant in the early stages so then turning around and trying to explain that they've lost a pregnancy that they may not even have it announced is obviously just something that's not going to happen because it's disenfranchised nobody wants to talk about dead babies or infertility and it's really uncomfortable for a place for people and it's unbelievable how many people I speak to who have had miscarriages and the one thing that everybody turns around and says is I never knew I did not know that it could have an impact like this on people I wish I did and I often find that people have regrets about the way they speak or didn't speak to people who were having miscarriages I you I don't know I I think it's just it's I think it's society our reaction to grief I feel like we just don't cope with grief very well we innately as women have this idea that we should bear children and there should be no complications and it should look like those lovely Huggies ads you know there's like a lovely bump and you go to have the baby and there's no conflict and a baby just comes out it's there's this there's this idea and if you can't provide that idea you and Nate Li blame yourself and that just perpetuates this cycle of failure and I think women struggle to talk about it appearing on video talking about miscarriage do I have triggers I don't have any triggers anymore I used to have triggers and the one trigger that was for me was getting my periods every month I gave blood last week and on the phone was when was when was your last pregnancy and did you have a miscarriage and I teared up about that there's been a few years and yeah I think it can catch you by surprise some days I think possibly other people going through the situation I desperately want to step in and offer support and and emotional hugs and and concern for people who are in this circumstance but I do find that it brings my own experiences back to mind I think if anyone's been through a miscarriage or a loss of any type it's like everything is a trigger every pregnant woman every prayer every baby crying every pregnancy announcement on social media anything like that for me is a trigger now my trigger is still I get very often like I'll have you only got the one and that's the one that that gets me every single time yeah sorry doctoring up so many people we yeah it's it's really opened up so many beautiful friendships and relationships and yeah it really has yeah I've made quite a number of new friends through this whole journey I've made plenty of relationships and connections with other women I think women in general are now starting to have more of a voice in talking about miscarriage and I think platforms like the pink elephant support network and other communities out there allowing women a voice to share their experiences and I think it's magical absolutely I've made so many connections with other mothers who have experienced loss I think some of the crappiest things people have said is well at least you know you can get pregnant or well at least it happened really early so you didn't get too attached they probably who the worst worse ones so the most unhelpful thing was don't worry you'll have a baby you can try again I knew I was going to try again that was given I wanted a child but at that point in time I needed to really sit with the loss it's okay you're still young you can have another child soon that was probably a pretty crappy response your losses are there only early on so you know that's pretty lucky yeah and at least you forgot one healthy child also I was only early that's the other one you can try again you're young you still got time it's not your fault a little more I heard a lot of I'm sorry because I I think people do struggle with saying with sort of trying to sympathize with you when you're going through this but I would have liked to have heard a little bit more it's not your fault because I'm sorry didn't cut it when I was at home blaming myself I'm sorry what can I do to help you let me know if you need anything I'm here to support you I don't think I really wanted to hear anything I think I just wanted someone to listen to me when I was just crying I think if you don't know what to say to somebody that's had a miscarriage maybe don't say anything at all and just sort of be there hug them support them make them feel like it counts and it mattered it's such a tough one to to help people to understand what to say we're all different and all of our journeys are different I think you really just need to be with your friend and try and be in the moment with them and give them support perhaps in other ways other than words I'm sorry for your loss yeah that's all I needed yeah and I think that that's all you need to say when you when someone tells you about their loss to tell them that you're sorry that's it you don't need to say anything else the pink elephant group has supported me by creating this platform that I can speak to other women about what I have been through and also being able to read a lot of content and talk to people about stuff that no one's talking about and I'm getting to a point where I'm not feeling uncomfortable about sharing that content on my own channel because I think it's so important to get that message out there I didn't come upon them for support in my own miscarriage I found them or they found me through work but I can absolutely say that they've helped me in a myriad of ways with dealing with my own situation and they've helped me amplify what's an incredibly important conversation through my work and their work I actively researched online I was looking for support networks particularly early miscarriage loss which I think gets dismissed quite a lot and I came across the pink elephant support network and I love chatting to the women on there I loved their ideas about acknowledging their losses and dad opened my eyes to this incredible community of women that are really changing the conversation for everyone honestly it's just been the final part in my recovery and it's just been something that has been so rewarding for me personally and I just yeah I just really feel like it is the positive thing that has come out of the negative that was the miscarry to stop and allow yourself allow your psyche to catch up with what's going on for your body physically to reach out to seek support from others who have experienced something similar I think they're so powerful so much power in sitting in a space with somebody who does get it one of the better ways to help each other cope is really communication you really need to be and and I think this particularly goes for blokes I know I'm not the best communicator and I'm sure there's a lot of other men out there who are like emotions feelings what are they you know they don't feels and I think it's hard you say them yeah but sometimes I think it's hard for guys to figure out what the emotion actually is you know sometimes days has asked me what you're feeling I'm like upset she's like that's not an emotion my advice would be reach out to communities and other women you know who have gone through this there's so much power and there's so much nurture in numbers and speaking with other women make sure that you're you're sitting and feeling what you're feeling that you're not trying to move through it too fast or pretend that it's not happening you are well entitled to be feeling grief I just tell them that I'm so sorry that they're going through this loss through the grief through the pain that our networks there are people that will definitely be there and will loan their shoulder for them to cry on reach out to people and whether it's a friend or a family member or your GP just talk to someone reach out to pink elephants I know hopefully you got its what you needed yeah great that's a wrap great thank you

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