Tokophobia The Missing Peace In Childbirth



I always like to start with my personal story because I literally went through the absolute fear of childbirth myself and then came out the other side and I am a birth educator and teacher of these principles and sharing sharing this understanding with pregnant ladies for their birth preparation so it's a real turnaround from absolute just thinking of a line in my book with from fear to freedom literally from absolute you know crippling fear to freak to freedom so I hope it will be helpful for people but but just just a little bit I just the wide highlight in my story is how because we do it in life in everything and we just don't really notice that we're doing it which is that we build stories of how we think things are and we're doing it all the time and it's invisible to us so it's almost like I had built this image of what birth was like and I had for some reason I had done it from when I was a very young age I was always petrified of giving birth I used to think about it when I was young like 12 years old for sure I remember thinking about it discussing it with my best friend on the swings I remember it clearly saying like how how are we gonna give birth it's like it's like it's torture I remember having those thoughts about it and really just really noticing pregnant women in the street and thinking how they're gonna get that baby out well he's so scared like how can they just be going about their normal life this is petrifying so it was very much for some reason highlighted in my in my thinking but I suppose just – there's a great quote but he'll get wrong I'm sure but I know it flies around a lot it's by the scientist David Bohm where he says some thought creates our reality and then says I didn't do it and that's what I really want to highlight here is that my thinking totally conjured up this rock-solid reality of this is what birth is birth is torturous birth is hard birth is scary it's just like that's the reality of it it's a nightmare that you have to enjoy if you want children like this is just the reality of it so I created that within my child's mind which took me through to adulthood as well and then I looked out at the world and people giving birth and that's it's it's almost like thought did it and then says it didn't do it and then it's like wow look how awful birth is and we all have to it's like you don't even question that this is just what it is you look out and that's what you see it's real just just so weird in a way it's a it reminds me actually of I think it's George pranskey he says something along the lines of Thurman it's like you draw a bigger lion on the wall so you draw this big scary lion on the wall and then you fall asleep and you wake up and you see this line you're like oh my gosh hello lion and it's it's so laughable but that's exactly that's exactly what we're doing and I'm sure I've done it and I'm sure I'm doing it with lots of things currently in my life it's just invisible to us this thinking and that is what it's so subtle about the whole thing that thinking is creating a whole reality of life all the time and it's invisible to us it's invisible to us so we look out and we just see what we believe to be to be real and anyone can try and convince us that what they see is real but they're never gonna succeed because they're looking out through they're thinking of what they see is really all looking at through your thinking and it's never gonna tie up so anyway so this is what I'd created for myself unfortunately which I think a lot of people do create for themselves with birth it seems unfortunately definitely in the Western world when when I take my courses I'll ask how many what what vague percentage give me a percentage of how many negative versus positive you've heard and it's always like way above from nineteen ninety nine percent sometimes like that yes every one of my friends have awful experiences maybe maybe once I heard of one nice experience it's just unfortunately and it's really just from what we see I suppose from from the media where they really trying to dramatize you know for drama for entertainment that's why they do it this is screaming women and you know from from from literally everywhere I even say from the Bible it's after if people know about it but Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden when Eve ate the apple it was like right the sin of Eve was that women will be cursed with a painful childbirth so it's like it comes to us from more directions and I'll just put in here because it's interesting relevant to what I'll be talking about that I did see it a different interpretation of this pain and childbirth from a religious perspective that that one of the teachers said that it was never meant to be painful when it talks about that it will be a hard experience but it will be as experience that is beyond your control that's what it means my painful childbirth which I thought that just makes so much more sense but I'll come to that later about about control that we think we have and that actually is freedom to realize that we don't so it's quite a yeah so yeah really just going through going through my childhood and my teens petrified petrified not to worry because I wasn't married and I wasn't gonna be having kids anytime soon but it was then I did get married it was getting closer and closer I I did a master's in psychotherapy and counseling where I had to choose a thesis for um for the for the masters so I chose the fear of childbirth of course I thought look I just want to see what's going on here maybe there's something I can see fresh or although more or less I definitely saw it as a reality this is like I remember reading the introduction to my thesis that I did right at the beginning it's so drab and like you know I remember quoting things like childbirth is a torturous affair that we have to endure on all this so and then after I'd given birth interestingly I looked back at this paragraph I'd written it was almost like it was promoted from person I was like my gosh like how are you seeing things so dark and drab and I redid the me did the introduction and suddenly I've got quotes of all these positive a no it's amazing and it's just so interesting how your whole reality can shift and you can find quotes that back up whatever you believe like and research to back up whatever you believe so it's just really there's no truth out there that's what it's pointing to which is again freedom and so during this thesis that I was doing it was um it was on toka phobia which I found out that existed as a thing like Oh brilliant I've got a name for I've got which is the pathological fear of childbirth to the extent that you're so scared that you postpone birth or that you prosper or that you avoid having children all together that's like the the definition of what it is so I was interviewing women who who had this what they thought was toka phobia and they hadn't had the chemical into relationship they didn't even have relationships because of X they were so scared that it might lead to chant birth and and really just listening to their stories of why they were so scared and then just sort of what was behind all the fears and and in-between thee as I was doing my thesis I found myself pregnant kind of like unexpectedly it was always something that I wanted in the future but I was too scared I was just too scared and I was just postponing postponing found myself pregnant and I say that was such a pivotal moment in I didn't understand the principles at the time and I didn't really understand what it was at the time and now I look back it was literally I looked at the remember it's so clearly I looked at the two lines of the pregnancy test and like saw I'm pregnant it was so unexpected I mean I was doing a pregnancy test like because because my period was late but it was like well there's no way you know where I can be really so it was a real shock and in that moment of seeing the test It was as if and the way I see it now it's like it's as if the thinking that was so held in place so strong and like so that I couldn't see anything other than this is what birth is it was as though maybe because of the shock I don't know what it just dropped like a split second and what washed in in that moment was just like oh my goodness just a feeling of such cautious even hard to explain it was just such knowing and a security and a safety in it just a real comforting nurturing whoosh of light is fine it's fine absolutely fine I knew in that split-second you're not going to be having the cesarean that you've planned your whole life that was always how I thought I'd get throughout can't give birth and and you're going to be fine and you're gonna give birth normally and naturally without fear like all of that just came through in like a whoosh and then I was back to panic again it was just like wow I always remembered that even like when I came across the principles a years later I was like oh right like I get it it's like this rock-solid thinking that we we create our whole world out of that it just it dropped and I was able to see the truth for a split second and it's kind of that's all you really ever need you know they talk about the snake that you see us do you think it's a snake and then you see it so you get close up and you see it's a rope and then you're not scared anymore when you come up away from it again you can never really be scared again because you know it's a rope it was kind of that that kind of analogy of like you know it can't really it lost its grip and that little bit it can't really be as true as I think because like what was that that was something like the realest thing I've ever felt despite all of this fear all the time all the time anxiety fear there was something like so in the feeling of it that was so real in that that really just sort of got got me through I suppose without without panicking too much but I knew obviously I had the nine months to overcome my fear I drop a thesis and I went and studied um hypno birthing which is self hypnosis for birth and I suppose at the time well at the time and afterwards this is another interesting thing that I was taught all these tools and techniques to proc armed and peaceful birth and I very much took it on like my religion I would just do like everything that it told me to so affirmation visualisations listen to these tracks this many times a day and you'll visualize that the exact birth you want and that's what you'll get and it was all very much almost like magic I was like well how can this actually reading work this is this can't be true like you watch videos and the women look like they're sleeping the baby just comes out and I'm like come on I was very skeptical of it but at the same time I was like I just don't have much choice I'm petrified or just gonna go and do this course and so I did listen to these hypnosis tracks which were meant to be like changing your thinking from I'm really scared I'm really confident that these tracks saying you're you're confident you're calm and as I'm going through this preparation I am feeling myself to be confident and calm so I'm not falling into this misunderstanding oh wow look the hypnosis is working it's making me confident and calm it's getting rid of all my fears and of course I'd go in and out of it and then came the birth and it was just unbelievable unbelievable birth experience like the ecstatic really is my first birth I would say was just like the most ecstatic moments of my life that that birth and again what did I put it down to I was like well these tools and techniques have enabled me to keep calm and to create this piece and to give me this amazing birth it because I visualized so much look I got it so I straightaway trained to be a hypno birthing practitioner because that was what I thought had given me this ecstatic birth experience and I I was teaching women for many years and it didn't take too long for me to realize hold on a minute like how come these women are all doing the same thing some are having these adil ik wonderful births and some absolutely on and so like what is it I felt that what am I missing what there's a missing piece there's a missing piece what is it what is it and then of course coming across the prints pause and that's why the book that I wrote on birth is called the missing piece deac II the missing piece of the jigsaw and the missing piece such as our piece inside of us the missing piece in childbirth what I now see it to be is and it's so so simple that we miss it it's just so obvious and simple but rather than these tools and techniques like creating the calm and creating the piece for me what was really happening was the piece is already and even the confidence and everything it's like all of that is already within us like how amazing is that the full package everything we ever want in our lives that's why it really is the secret to everything everything we ever think we could ever want our self-esteem our confidence joy peace of mind which is what everyone wants is after in the end just this joy the most joy we could ever feel like everything that we are seeking all the time that's what we want in our lives we have already it's just so ridiculous it's so ridiculous that we miss it and then along come these tools and techniques that say you know we this is going to create it for you and and what is what is really happening is the dust of my thinking was set her settled was settling so that brick wall of what I'd built of what birth was had kind of fallen away if only for a moment but it was enough to like me make me aware that something's not as true as I thought and just in fact there's a great quote in the that I put in the book yes by deep Deepak Chopra he writes meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet which is what hypnobirthing really is meditation it is a way of entering into the quiet that is already there and that's just the key point buried under the fifty thousand thoughts the average person thinks every day I've actually heard eighty thousand this is even worse but it's just like all day every day our thoughts are going crazy you know I I usually have a glitter jar on my desk and I think my kids have stolen it but literally these are the snow globes the snow globe is like going crazy without thinking all the time all the time shaking its shaking shaking shaking and like all that has to be done or not even has to be done it happens by itself it happens by itself but you know when we're in this crazy world of thinking and stress and exams or whatever you're having to contend with in your life whatever it is the moment that all of that just settles its you've got your natural confidence your natural everything just coming and shining through and and I suppose that's what I see now as as what happened that it was and even more so like a doing that thesis I came up with some key things of the fears that women actually fear and one of the I'm thinking I've been thinking about it a lot recently but one of the fears of the fear of death and I've been wondering recently whether that fear of death is actually a fear of losing oneself like losing the ego in a way and I say that because of my own birth experience the reason why it was so ecstatic I think was because I just disappeared I disappeared Debra was no longer there it was the death of Debra I mean for that it's that's why it was so good and it's so ironic I know Sidney banks the originator of this understanding he talks about his enlightenment experience as a death as well so it's kind of like the death of like and it's no loss really this thinking of who we think we are with our conditions and this is what I like this is what I don't like this is how it should be and it has to go this way for me to be happy all of these and my personality and I'm this type of person all of these sort of took that we got box ourselves in into this little you know all the potential of what we could be by saying this is what I am it's like all of that just disappeared in my birth I was just like I was gone I was just gone there was no critical voice whatsoever I was just like amazing it's an annoying voice that's always there that's something to say about everything all the time I'm gone and suppose even like typical things that I wouldn't do I'm it sounds a bit strange but like I walk from one room to another with no clothes on during the birth which I would never do like in as Deborah I would never do that it's almost like all the things of my personality is just like patrol it's just all out the window and I was just in the flow of life I like really just in in sync with just life as well I can really put it as and it was amazing it was like it was no loss for Deborah to be gone it's almost a shame you know that thinking had to rush back in afterwards but it's like you know obviously that's life that's what we that's what we are it comes and goes but I was able for that birth to have an experience without any of that and what's amazing about Bertha's are comforting to pregnant ladies is I always have to mention brain way too sorry if you've heard me speak before because I always mentioned the brain waves because it's so fascinating to me but in birth your brain waves go to the slowest that they will ever go in a waking State so like agitated thinking is beta that if you put if you look at the brainwaves of an agitated stress person it's bitter like jagged you can't think clearly and then once you've little bit relaxed maybe you're in meditation you're just really relaxed it's slower it goes to alpha so it's just like I'm weak in this state weak we gain more perspective we like it's just we see differently we see the same thing but but differently we just gain this the bigger picture you see the a picture and then this this during birth what we're given is the brainwaves go to theta it's just like these slowest that your that your brainwaves will ever go in your life you only get get it during birth which just says to me like wow wow wow like how incredible is that like that nature oh god or whatever in its brilliance its phasing us out its facing us out in this in birth we are being phased out why because our intellect and us are not needed whatsoever in the birth process we are not needed we actually just create havoc as we see with all the births that we hear about we create havoc we'd bring fear we bring anxiety we we like we just muddy the waters like just get yourself out the mind is not needed to give birth and actually in the hypno birthing book I always remember the this image of them they say that even if a woman is in a coma her body will still give birth I always remembered that so striking because what is it showing us that your body your body will just birth you your mind does not need to be there whatsoever to have an opinion on what's going on you can have an opinion on what skok honk it's it's really quiet you know you can have your running commentary it's just gonna cause suffering really in the end it's no use and you know no pushing there nothing she just has the baby so that to me really like is in a nutshell that can take all the fear out of birthing I think for just really to realize that and also during the pregnancy we are not doing anything that the amount of stuff that is going on within our body is just mind-boggling I mean I know such a small amount and even that what was my mind but let you know that the amniotic fluid changes every two days apparently and all the ligaments are being softened hormones all around even all the pregnancy like grievances like hemorrhoids or I don't know heartburn all the things that we complain about there's a there's brilliance behind all of it there's reasons for it because more blood is being pumped around for for even preparing for later for after birth giving you stores of more blood it's just like you can't even intellectually understand how brilliant it is so that's all happening throughout your pregnancy even when it's coming closer to the birth your body is getting ready to open up like all of this all of this is just happening and then I really just like to put across to women that when you when your body comes to give birth that brilliance does not just leave you it wouldn't make sense that would just suddenly right now you're on your own now you get on with it and you go and give birth on your own and just really made me think about this other big fear of pregnant ladies the fear of losing control it makes sense if you think that you're in control and that you have to do everything yes that is so scary the idea of losing control like my gosh it's all on me I have to give birth like that's such a big responsibility I have to get the baby out of me like you know how how do I do such a thing like how that's scary if you think you're in control and then it's scary to lose control but this is what and this is where my teaching just have become simpler and simpler of what I'm trying to put across to women now is you're not in control you never have been and guess what there's something else there is that's so much more effective than us a million billion times I often think waves at these powerful awesome perfection of the waves like this just such power and like so you've got that going on it's like the power of the universe and then like if you can imagine like trying to make your own waves I don't know like let's just try and create artificial waves with our hands say and we're like paddling around and like losing a breath and like we did it how can we do it or it's all on me to create the waves otherwise there'll be no way it's in the sea like a ludicrous example but like that's what it's like like why would we do that when we've got this powerful natural force which is just perfect doing exactly what needs to be done so much bigger than us and yet we're trying to like gasping for air just try to like oh my gosh it's all on me I have to do it so it's really just that's what I'm trying to and it's not just in birth of course you know I see it in birth so I think it's so easy to see in birth for anyone who has given birth I think they would say afterwards that that wasn't me I mean that was the overwhelming feeling I got after I'd given birth that that was nothing to do with me and then people are like patting you on the back oh wow what a good birth that well done I'm like what are you talking about it's so it's so laughable ludicrous that he's saying well done to me like I didn't do and I think obviously I didn't do that okay that was so big there's nothing nothing nothing to do with me I mean however people's birth go I would think that's kind of the feeling that they have like wow this is so huge and beyond me you know I didn't do this so I think that's why in birth it's kind of so clear that you're this chattering of the mind that rules our life that we listen to you most of the time it's it's totally irrelevant in birth like its if anything it just gets in the way and yeah I suppose just to to realize that that's the same for the whole of life and that probably sounds quite strange but just this constant commentary that is in our heads and should I love what I'm reading at the moment it's Nicola Byrd's book it's called a little peace of mind has just come out I've got a copy at the conference and she talks about Bob Bob being in our head I don't know why Bob but Bob is this drunkard that's in her head who has an opinion on everything who we listen to we actually like ask opinions or should I do this should I do that and he's just spouting out stuff he's drunk [Laughter] like he's never talking sense like why are we paying him any attention it's just such a laughable thing but that's kind of like we've all got this Bob in her head and it sounds like us it's got our voice is even more compelling but you want to listen to it but it's just actually it's nothing it could be anything and nothing what this Bob is saying like you listen to a drunk person like what they sprout out is really just like nothing I also heard people talk about it as if imagine as if your thoughts were speaking a different language that you didn't understand all of a sudden you're just like not affected by any more brilliant but somehow over time we've got to pay so much attention to this it's like how thinking is gold it's like and we follow it and we think it's oh we think it's serving us this sort chat it's mental chatter that drives us mad and when we realize I suppose like how irrelevant it is like your body will give birth whether that's there or not your life would be live your life will be lived whether that's there or not and more effectively if you just don't listen to that nonsense just leave it in the background it's never saying and I think that useful and just like let life unfold as it were like it's interesting because I I've just recently been listening to these interviews and it's about how people got into the work that they got into they all start off the interview by saying I never meant to do this I never it was never planned and then this happened and this happened I somehow fell into it it's very interesting thing to get across to students because when you're at university you're 18 years old and you're thinking I've got to know what I want to do with my life and like of course of course not of course not like you're gonna choose what you do it's gonna make sense in the moment I studied finance that got to do with birth nothing but in the end your life is just gonna take you in all directions and you're just gonna be you're just gonna be doing what you're doing in the next I suppose what makes life so simple with this understanding is I think you start to see you start to see that you just you just do find yourself more in the present moment so that you're just like doing the next obvious step right in front of you like what's obvious now to do what's obvious now to do you don't even think about it and and that's what I think just simplifies life so much it you almost like I mean of course you go forward in your head and start whatever what if what if what if but it's almost like you you catch on to it pretty quick when you when you've been in this understanding a bit you're like oh gosh look I'm I'm doing that again and it just becomes very much a very simple life of course what's the obvious next step and that's all you ever have to all you've got is now so we ever have to know really we don't even have to know it just happens and that's very much in birth as well that when you're in this when you're not caught up in your thinking in birth which you also will get caught up in your thinking which is also absolutely human and fine but when you'll find that when you're like in the flow in the they call it labor land or in the zone or it's another word for it in birth but you'll find that you just know what to do you just know what to do so you'll find you don't even question it you'll find yourself standing you'll find yourself pacing stairs you'll find yourself lunging down it's just that there's no thought behind it there's no thought behind it it's just you're just doing what is to solve this as some would say to you like why are you doing that it's just like I don't know I don't know why I'm doing it it's just just what's making sense to do so very much the same but you know as in life and just even if just find it amazing when you look at babies when they're first born and not many people know because they don't they don't do it because they don't know that it's even a possibility but I've seen it on YouTube if you put a baby on its mother's stomach straight after birth it will actually crawl up and go to the breast and drink it's just just like a newborn it's just unbelievable and the breast of the mother the nipple has gone dark just at that time like towards the end of pregnancy you'll find that it's gone darker and women often say like what's so weird was it and the reason why it's gone dark is so that the baby can see where to drink so it's just literally life is just being lived for us they you know the color of the skin changing so that a baby knows where to drink like is there any thought anywhere in that baby isn't thinking I want to drink even it's just life's all occurring and then like the colostrum which is the baby's first that the mother's first milk is the perfect nutritional content what the baby needs it's got a laxative effect that the helps the baby to do its first stool that will then get rid of red blood cells it needs to get rid of just like again the brilliance of it is just it almost like gives you this confidence of okay everything is so taken care of it's actually so beyond me all of the details of this I am so not needed like just sort of I don't know there's just realizing that this running commentary is no use to us and I say that knowing that that running commentary is going to come or as well and that it's not it's not the aim to get rid of it either although it sounds like that's what I'm saying that birth is like life a real rollercoaster of emotions like at the end of the day you're going to be thinking we're gonna be feeling whatever you are thinking in the moment and and that's just that's just how it's gonna be so if you're gonna get fearful thinking you're just suddenly gonna feel scared and that's you know and a lot of so what I didn't quite agree with with the hypno birthing are afterwards when I came across the principles was the resistance to these bad feelings so it's like you'd get fear all of the negative emotions fear anxiety overwhelm pain it's like all of that we we don't want that we don't want that in our experience like the peace and the joy and the calm yeah we walk will welcome that in that's lovely but all of this just like resist that with all your might we want that though it's very much a fear comes quick do a fear release exercise or quickly replace the image replace your thinking and that can be very stressful to be busy managing your thinking and you don't need to do it like that's the wonderful thing and again we'd be snowglobe is just like so the snowglobe is a bit cloudy fear it's you've got fear at the moment and you know let's are we going to continue shaking it up which is really what hypno birthing is doing I think because it's like first of all it's panic oh my gosh there's an emotion I don't want chip chip chip how do we get rid of it and then putting on all these exercises what we have to do like with filling our mind just with more and more stuff that we need to do where is what do we do with the snow globe when we want when we want it to we want the snow to settle is you just put it down you just leave it alone just put it down you know and but we don't know we don't know that's the possibility I think I mentioned last time we spoke that even in my fourth birth I found myself scared again and you'd think with all of this whatever the hypno birthing and the principles it's like almost like you think well you won't have fear as part of your experience anymore and it's not also because you know we're how can I stop a fearful thought coming it's again it comes back to this control like I have no control over what I'm gonna think the next moment I have no control over over circle I have no control over anything you don't have control over circumstances we don't have control over over our thinking and it's fine and whatever comes comes and I was scared and everything was active and almost like just the relationship to the fear is so different now it's like the fear came in and I was scared and I just started thinking to myself wow this is really interesting that I'm doing this isn't it interesting that my mind is going to fear when everything right now is absolutely fine because it was fine and I just started running forward of all what if the second heart hurts started thinking what if it hurts in the second stage and there was no reason for me to be doing that but again there's no control and that's what was doing but it was kind of like I was able to create a distance from it of like oh isn't it interesting that I'm that my mind is doing this and how annoying that it's doing this because like now I'm scared but then kind of just sort of leaving alone it couldn't really catch me it couldn't really get me as it as it would have in the past problem it may have got really panicked about being scared so it's this it's almost like your relationship to the thinking just changes it just softens it's just whatever comes in it's kind of like we don't realize it but that resistance and pushing away of all that negative thinking is what's creating all the suffering in the first place just crazy to think so that if we just allowed it in it would just come in and it would be on its way out probably before we know it or not or nots not even as a strategy but it's just yeah I mean I find a lot of what gets to people in birth is this should it be happening in general this shouldn't be happening well this should be different and that's what takes up a lot of our you know headspace but but again like you're gonna you're gonna go through what you're going to go through you know what thinking is going to come to you and it's like a roller coaster and a roller coaster that you know that you've a safe one you know you can't really fool there's nowhere to fall you've got this ultimate safety net of a guidance even guidance your body's just doing what it has to do and you're gonna be doing what's obvious to do in front of you so it's like you're supported mind and your body are supported like you're not on your own and that's why we realize this control aspect there's nothing to fear of losing control in fact losing control is like amazing the best thing you can do like just like let the intelligence of the entire universe do it like why are you doing it but it's funny it's interesting like even from child childhood to adulthood we do the same thing like when a child learns to walk it's not thinking oh no I'm gonna put my first foot in front of the other now I'm gonna walk now I'm gonna I'm gonna put my hand up now I'm gonna it's not thinking anything it's just life is living it life is living this child and then at some point in time we start thinking oh I have this is down to me or even like we encourage it cuz we're like well time you're walking you manage the world well done like so then they stopped building this thing I'm alright like I have achieved this and I'm and I you know it's obviously the way that life is that we start we start taking almost too much on ourselves like ok that's all there is there's only me here to be you know that has to it has to do that's to achieve that has to maneuver and manage everything and if I don't do it you know nothing's gonna happen and I think that's the amazing thing with this understanding that we really start to see that the more you take your hands off your life Shh it just flows them the most wonderful of directions first of all you're just so open to everything you realize that everything is ultimately just a creation of your own making all the different thoughts and beliefs that you've taken on and if you can just really open up so the beauty of life right in front of you it's just so much more enjoyable first of all and you just watch life unfold or there's another great quote I wonder if I can fuck oh it yes by Janet Velasquez she's a she's head of the active birth movement in in London quite a famous famous in the birth world that she writes I find it incredibly comforting to know that we are held and guided in life's journey by forces greater than ourselves it's not all up to us we can let go and let both life and birth unfold in all their majesty so that is really and it's interesting that she's a birth expert because again in birth you just see it so clearly it's just like it's so blindingly obvious you know that we're not in control that there's something else in control but we don't have to worry or fear that we've got this incredible I call it in the book that the optimist safety net of just your so held and supported you've got that all the resilience you need inside of you there's nothing in the end to fear there's nothing to fear you've just got you know if they say like you got nothing to fear but fear itself that's it it's a fear will come in and that will feel unpleasant for a bit and then like there's nothing really it's a strange thing it's a strange thing but in the end you can just sort of it gives you this sense of real peace inside you just know that there's Turner that Atlas life is not what you thought it was and even when I think back to fear in birth it's like I wasn't actually fearing birth well I thought I it was my thinking about birth that was freaking me out my thinking that I held about birth was just like and I remember the feeling of it was such a horrible feeling of this but you're not scared of what you think you're scared of I was never scared at the birth because the birth itself I mean was amazing um I didn't even know what it was I mean I didn't even know the first so it's just like I'd conjured up this thing in my head of what it was and then I was freaking myself out of my own thinking and again it's like you just reminds me of my friend who was scared of he was always scared of the airplane falling out the sky that was his number one fear aeroplane was that was just gonna fall out the sky used to replay in his mind and especially when he went on trips and then one day he was on a plane and it got stuck in an air pocket and it feels like it's falling out the sky so it's like this is his worst fear coming true he'd replayed so much in his mind was so scared of it and he was just so calm he was just like it's fine so it's almost like all of this fear it's not even fearing the actual event in the end it's just it's you're thinking about what it is so that's just interesting – you know when people say well just the thought of it makes me nervous just the thought of it makes me nervous so imagine like actually having to do it just the thought of it makes me nervous it's actually only the thought of it makes you nervous if it wasn't for the thought you're gonna be nervous like it's just so funny so that's really new yeah the feeling when you when you explain that it's also lovely I have got a couple of questions and I just want to say to people who are listening if you have any questions you can type them into the chat box or you can put your hand up and you can actually come on and speak to Deborah or if you'd like to but while we're waiting to see if anybody else has questions that there's a couple of things separate one is one is that I I'm the thing about being fright when you get fear say say you're in childbirth and the fear comes up what what I used to believe was that that fear meant something right and when you think that it means something then you start adding more thought onto it right you you add more thought and then you get even more scared and what you're saying is that it doesn't mean anything at all and that was one of the biggest things that I got from this understanding was that those feelings don't mean what you think they mean yeah it just means I'm having you know there's some fear there's some thought fear fearful going through my mind and it doesn't mean I have to take notice of it it's just Bob not so that was not so much a question but but what I'm imagining is that that someone who's already had a difficult birth right so they've been through a really bad experience having because what you've described is you were really frightened of it and then you had a birth and it was fine right yeah but if somebody's already had an unpleasant experience of some sort you know I had a really difficult how do they then look at I mean I know you've actually said that in one way or another but just maybe you could maybe you could just speak to someone – someone has been through something really difficult yes it's really interesting that because I have them seen clients who really are so set on the birth that they had they've got their story of the birth that they had and they have strong memory of it and almost in learning the principles they start to see what happened differently so it's just like you're never stuck with the experience that you think you had it's like they suddenly gain perspective they're like oh so maybe this they start to see new things even if it was like years years you know years after they're like oh right maybe maybe the doctor wasn't really forcing me I think I think maybe he just really thought that was the right thing to do like I had a client like that like she was so upset because she really thought she was forced into a certain intervention and then I call of a sudden a few weeks since she's suddenly like you know what I just realized he'd really thought that was best for me like he was doing it for my own interests and it's just like so even it's just so amazing isn't it with us understand you're never stuck with anything you know you think oh gosh there's this horrible thing in my past that happened that it's just it's always gonna stay horrible and it's just not so do you gain new perspective on what actually happened why is it thoughts just start emerging for you around it so there's that and then I suppose just going into a new birth fresh just as much as possible and and maybe the memories of the last birth is going to come flooding back but almost to see them for what they are okay like I'm getting this horrible feeling and it it feels just like the last birth well it feels like the last but because memories of the last birth all right in front of you now and so that's what you're experiencing and in it's as simple as that but like there's fresh Shh new thinking always there's fresh new thinking there's fresh new experience always and I suppose just to be aware of that just to be aware of that and realizing that it's only just these thoughts that are being brought back that are giving you that same feeling yeah I don't if that makes sense yes no that's lovely that's lovely I just so it seems like nobody's asking questions so they must be very happy with which is really good which is really good so that's lovely and I can't think of anything else to say on that Deborah I don't know if you've got anything else that you want to add oh gosh wow I mean I think I mean I just love I just think Jack pranced Keys quote I know I'm really into quotes as you can probably tell it sums up the whole of the principles to me is that I hope I get it right all we are is peace love and wisdom and the power to create the illusion that we're not I think that me is like don't even bother going any further with delving into the principles that's all you need to know like that really is the truth of it you know and it sounds so yeah with peace and lovin with it but like really when you when you fall into that and you see it it's not even we see it in our everyday life you know so it's not even wisdom can sometimes sound or grand and wisdom and all I'm talking about it's just the simplicity of common sense that we that we know what to do in general life until we get clouded and we don't know what to do anymore and then you know we're showing it again and it's just this that that's what's there for us that's what we are that's what we are we just even if we do get caught up in birth or in life it's just fall it just realizing oh and caught an illusion I'm courting this thought storm at the moment oh well and for kind of just interesting the words of like fall asleep and fall in love and fall it's like a falling out of it's falling out of the thinking falling out of the concepts that was stuck in in that moment and just like falling into the truth that gots really their of just like I mean often just if I get if I'm getting caught up I'll just physically sort of go backwards like this just be like just remember like it's just so comforting like I just get this whole wood of comfort it's like just remember what's really true just remember what's really there for you you're just caught up and constricted at the moment and this feeling of constriction is what it's telling you that you're constricted and you're not seeing clearly what's true at the moment and just a falling out of that you'll find yourself like in a new place and a new reality with access to all these lovely feelings that we are all ready and not to push away the bad I would say like not to be scared of this isn't about being peaceful all the time like not at all when I call it the missing piece in childbirth I'm more I'm talking about being at peace with whatever you're feeling that is the absolute true freedom I mean because if we're just trying to be peaceful that is actually very not peaceful because you're just like no I don't want that I don't want that yes welcome in the peace now but I don't want fear I don't want that's so not peaceful you know to be a peace with it all fear comes in like oh well how annoying oh well looks like I'm gonna go on a journey of a bit of fear now looks like I'm gonna be go on a journey of a bit of depression now oh well this is what it is it's only thinking it's I'm gonna come back some of my self you know even after you've had the baby all the overwhelm all the stress that the the baby blues that might come or all of this it's like yes it's gonna come and just like okay let it be there let it be there let Bob be there in the background being drunk okay he's there right okay just pull up a chair and stay for however long you could go to stay and then like you know I'm not too worried about you because it's because that's not really who I am I think I suppose that's the ultimate that is not me you know that's not who I am I don't have to be scared a bit I think it's like you said that we get this feeling of fear and we we think gosh that means something is wrong and it's the exact opposite like it means nothing it means that you're clouded it means that you're stuck in some thinking it's like how amazing that we get this fear to show us where our head is otherwise we wouldn't know you know just like a cot on our hand if we didn't have the we didn't have it you know if we didn't have pain we wouldn't take her hand out the fire so it's just the same amazing wisdom in the the whole thing is wisdom you know everything that comes to us is there's just wisdom in the system so any negative feeling is just alerting us oh you know I've left who I really am and I've forgotten that everything I want is already there and just a falling out of what you're in but not on our timeframe of course it's just like going with it and flowing with it and not being too interested this is a natural thing not being too interested in in all of this anymore it's just like you start to realize it's like okay it's just drunk Bob it's like how much can we really pay attention to this and keep believing it but it's yeah there's nothing really much to say just her if you are pregnant I'm jealous you're gonna get to give birth like what amazing experience like really the or magic of birth of like just this human being coming out of you in that and the baby in the there's like even just the thought of that again thinking it's just you know that is life that is life if that is life in front of you pure awesome life so just enjoy it enjoy whole rollercoaster of it and yeah yeah so that's what so if anyone is interested in knowing more about Debra and what she does and her book and all of that stuff there's going to be a link underneath this video on YouTube to show you to link you back to Debra and all of her all of all of the things about her how you can get in touch with her how you can work with her if you wanted to and what and the book and so on and also I would I would really recommend listening to this this watching this video again and just listening to it and being in the feeling because I feel I owe i've just had such a wonderful feeling listening to type of pristine gorgeous thank you so much and and if you're interested in any more there's a this is part of a whole series of the secret of everything videos so you can you know if you if you want to watch more there are more on this channel too so that's more stuff so thank you so much Deborah for being here I'm sure I'll see you again soon yes thank you thanks everyone else for being here too bye then

One Reply to “Tokophobia The Missing Peace In Childbirth”

  1. Wow – if you just want to experience a gorgeous feeling (and remember all the learning is in the feeling not in the words themselves) listen to this video – I was in such a beautiful feeling all the way through. What did you notice?

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