I’ve always wanted to have kids one day. Not only women feel broody. I’m going to have my own baby because it’s the pragmatic thing to do. It’s the simplest option. This is a physical process and I will be… the dad. I worry that people are going to judge me… because I don’t fit the stereotypical… thing, story, whatever it is that, people expect to hear… from trans guys who are like… “Oh yeah, I just – you know – I identified as a lesbian…” “And then, I realised I was a guy, and I’m a straight guy”. Like… I’m gay… and that’s really – and that makes things even more complicated. I loved being pregnant. Yeah – everyone should experience it, shouldn’t they? I think… especially men. He was up at university at Edinburgh… and he’d been feeling quite unhappy.
He just said… I’m a boy… and I want to be a boy and… because this is how I’ve been feeling… all my life. Good. Good girl. What a funny thing you are. I’m now… one month and three weeks off testosterone. And now I feel a little bit soft and almost like I’m shrinking from inside. I don’t like it. Every time I think about it… It’s like, “What the *bleep* am I doing?” What? Am I imagining that? That looks like a positive result to me, darling. My heart is *bleep* racing. What? That is… a positive result. Here’s the baby’s heart, just here. Coming down through baby… Oh, he’s having a wriggle again. I think I can probably just see the very beginning of a bump and… my trousers fit less and less. What I feel like I’m going through isn’t… me having a baby, or pregnancy. It’s like a much more… fundamental, total loss of… myself. That’s it. Just lean forwards. Do you want to see what you’ve got? A boy. A boy! I obviously feel a very strong bond with him. I just know that I want to be near him… all the time. And I miss him. And even when he’s in bed at night… How silly is that, eh? It’s crazy. I think anyone has the potential to feel that way.